good evening everyone!
I am very happy to share this new chapter. I didn't updated for a month and I'm sorry: I need time to write, to correct by myself, to have someone who's correcting me (Thank you sooooooooo much!). I hope you don't mind! If you could let a review when you leave, it will be really very nice :)
Thank you very much and BONNE LECTURE!
Previously, on the last chapter
On a call, everybody entered a burning building. After rescuing a dozen of people, Matt and Hermann rescued a woman who told them her son was still inside. They entered the apartment, and saw this little boy. But there was a backdraft, and they saw her five year old kid being killed by flames. This affected very hardly Casey.
And now, the next chapter...
Chapter 2: Return to reality
Arriving at the firehouse, Casey locked himself in his office, closed the blinds and locked the door. He didn't want to be disturbed by his men or anyone, he just wanted to think about what he had seen. He collapsed on his bed, laying on his stomach, head and arms under the pillow. He saw this picture again and again in his head, this poor four year old kid being killed by the flames. Soon, these images changed and those of Andy, his best friend, took the place. Andy Darden died in much the same way than this child. This was burning him from the inside. He closed his eyes, thinking that sleeping would allow him to forget but couldn't. He moved constantly, tossed and turned.
Meanwhile, all firefighters gathered in the common room around Hermann. He was trying to put words on what he had seen.
"We had rescued this woman and, and she explained that her son was still inside. So uh... Casey and I entered and, and we saw him standing up, paralyzed by fear, and he was looking at us. Casey was ready to jump on him, to protect him and get down to the ground to avoid him to... To inhale too much smoke and uh... And there was t-this... Backdraft. I just had time to scream 'Casey, get down!' I threw myself to the ground and he turned to me and...and when he saw these flames he did the same but... But we didn't think about this child, we... We just threw ourselves to the ground and... And we watched the flames encircle him and kill him".
With these last words, he swallowed his saliva. "kill him". He and Casey let him die, watched him agonising.
"And... And the worse, it's that... That this child... He was what, four years old? And he looked us, he didn't cry, he didn't scream, he... He just stayed here, without a noise and we... We couldn't do anything... It could have been one of mine inside..."
"Hermann", the chief began. "You did what you had to do to survive. This child is dead, but it couldn't have changed anything if you had rescued him. Or maybe yeah: you and Casey will be dead to save him".
"Yeah but at least, we would have had a clear mind, chief".
Boden stood straight, ready to fight Hermann and hit him for what he said.
"I mean... We have to rescue people and save them... But instead of this, we... We watch them die?"
Dawson understood the situation, understood why Hermann had reacted like this. It was his paternal thinking. Not the firefighter. And she knew Casey enough to know what was happening in his mind.
"I'll talk to Casey".
"No", Severide interrupted.
Gabby locked her gaze on him and gave him the look.
"He is still in shock, he will just say he's fine".
"Kelly, you know Matt, if he's already in his world, nobody won't get him out. And when he's like this, everything can happen, especially the worse".
"I know, but hurrying him now will enclose him into his world, further and faster, out of reach. If it's not the case after what the mother did to him".
"We have to understand her, she just lost her child. I think anybody would have reacted like this".
Everybody were right. But there was one thing that nobody knew, and both Kelly and Gabby knew.
"There is one more thing: contrary to what we all may think, the most sensitive of us, it's Matt. He doesn't show it as he leads a team, but each call has an impact on his behavior. The more the call is risky, important and emotionally violent, the more he will suffer".
"Severide, don't be stupid! He is always here to help us, physically and mentally when he saw that the call was rude!"
"He cares about you yeah! But what about you? Do you care about him in this kind of case? Don't you think he might be hurt by these calls? He sees the same things than you, and if you're hurt, he's too".
"Matt is a leader", Gabby continued. "He would never admit that he isn't going well, for him it's a weakness. Even if we push him to talk to us, in such cases, he puts those memories and himself in a world in which Kelly and I don't even have access. And if he is in this world, then it's over. He was for Andy, he was for Hallie, he was when he had his head injury. And each time, his behavior has changed".
Casey woke up, jumping up on his bed, a cold sweat flowing heavily on his face. He was seeing himself lying to the ground of this burning apartment, looking this little boy afraid and consumed by flames. And at the end, images from the death of Andy came and replaced those from this little boy. His breathing was shallow, he was struggling to take a deep breath. He sat on the edge of his bed, putting his feet to the ground as to return to reality, and closed his eyes. Without wanting it, he let escape a tear, a tear that mixed with the sweat that was still coming down his face. But he reopened them soon after because of the images that were still continuing to invade his mind. He laid down again a little, his lost gaze locked on the ceiling. He was asking himself what was the time, so he looked at his watch. It was 11 A.M., just five minutes of sleep. He sighed deeply, tired of this so few sleep and so much uncomfort. He really needed to shower. Hurriedly, he grabbed some fresh clothes, his bath stuffs and made his way to the shower while taking attention to avoid the other firefighters of the firehouse. He threw his change on the ground, put his clothes off and entered the shower, then let flowing the warm water while closing his eyes. He put one of his hand on the wall, as to maintain his balance and slided to the ground, clutching his arms around his legs, his legs against his chest and his head on his arms. Without thinking about it, he had returned to his dream world. Or his nightmare world. Nobody could know.
The only one who noticed something was Kelly. He knew Matt well: if he wasn't on the common room, then he was doing his paperworks, and if his office had closed curtains and a closed door, then he didn't want to be bothered. And after what had happened, according to Hermann, Matt shouldn't be alone. Kelly was right: Casey was one of the most sensitive firefighter of Chicago. But as he was leading a team, he made sure to not show it, he listened to his men when something was wrong. But who was listening to him? Who was ready to listen to make him feel better? Kelly Severide approached the door of Matt's office, knocked slightly and tried to enter. He thought of finding a closed door, but was surprised to enter. ''Maybe he forgot to lock the door'' he thought, worried. But inside, nobody. His bed was a mess, so he slept, or at least he tried or he laid down. His bath stuff wasn't there anymore. The shower. With a worried expression, he took the way to the locker room to reach the shower. He met Hermann who had had the same idea as Matt: shower. Kelly stopped Hermann who frowned.
"A problem Severide?"
Severide bit his lips and thought.
"Don't know yet. Casey is in the shower, his sheets are messy and his blinds are closed".
Hermann knew his lieutenant well, he formed him as a candidate in this firehouse. He knew what it meant, its importance and its worry with this.
"You know what that means right?"
"Yeah. No choice. I know you want to do the same thing, and I won't stop you, but can you tell Boden about it for me?"
"No problem. Good luck with Casey".
Kelly tried to smile even if he didn't want to. He waited to see Hermann leaving the room to come to the shower. The first information he had had was that Matt was indeed in one of the shower. The second information was that the warm water was flowing hardly because there were condensation and hot smoke that invaded the space. The third information was the dirty clothes near the shower. Kelly still approached and stopped in front of the shower. He took his fresh clothes and his towel to put them on the dresser, took his dirty one to put them on the washer. Once done, he faced again the shower where Matt was. He didn't hear a sound apart the water. And it worried him.
"Matt?"
But no answer came to his ears. He continued to call him during a long minute, then thought to open the curtains when he still didn't have an answer.
On the other side of the firehouse, Hermann was searching for his chief. He was also worried about his lieutenant. So he came to his office, passing Casey's, looking inside at the messy bed and the closed blinds, then he knocked the door, looking inside at the chief. He signed to enter, so he did.
"May I help you, Hermann?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm here for Severide. And me. It's Casey".
Boden's face changed suddenly.
"What is it?"
This voice... He was also worried as hell.
"He's in the shower, his bed is a mess, blinds closed. Something's off. And after what happened in this structure fire..."
"I'm going to stop you right now".
Hermann closed his mouth while Boden sighed deeply.
"You are worry about Casey?"
"Yes chief, I'm worry".
He stood up, as if he was angry, faced Hermann and sat on his desk.
"You know him since his final test at the fire Academy, so around... Fifteen years? And you're just worry about him just now?!"
Boden was dealing with anger and astonishment. How his men could be worry just now, and weren't worried before? When Hallie died, or when Andy died? When he and Dawson lost their baby? When he had his head injury? Hermann didn't were to go to feel better.
"Help! I need some help here!"
Boden and Hermann jumped up and turned toward the office door. This was Severide's voice. Without hesitating despite the fact they hadn't finished their conservation, they took the road to the shower-room.
What will happen next: you will find out why Kelly "need[s] some help (in the shower-room)". I can't tell you more!
