Four weeks later
Another meeting was over. She felt drained but at the same time she also felt stronger. Zach was right. The support group was giving her back her old self. That same piece that she felt cut out of her, her feeling of self-assurance, she was now slowly gaining it back.
Just the other day she had managed to actually stand beside Lane and be professional, as if nothing had happened. She also managed to stand up to him when they were alone. And then, this morning, when she saw what he had done to Asha, she finally had the courage to go to the police and tell her story. She didn't like the word victim when it came to describing herself, but a few meetings with the support group and she was coming to terms with her new role in this play.
At first she came to the meetings and used a different name. She also wore a hat and sunglasses so people wouldn't recognize her. She wasn't able to accept herself as vulnerable and she wanted to detach herself from the events of that day. If she were somebody else, she thought, then it wouldn't be about her. It would be another woman to whom all of this had happened.
The group director didn't say a thing. It wasn't uncommon that women who were raped, especially those who considered themselves as strong, felt embarrassed about being overcome by a rapist.
Gradually, as she continued coming to the meetings, Dawn began shedding her disguise. First it was the hat, then the glasses and finally she told them her real name and what she did for a living and who the rapist was in her life.
Sharing with the group and finding others to relate to, made her burden lessen. As she understood that the problem wasn't that she was weak, but rather that her rapist was, did she slowly begin to regain her self-esteem.
During today's session she revealed through gasps and tears, that she was pregnant as a result of her attack. She broke down as she told them that she was told she had a slim chance of ever conceiving her own child and how she was torn between her wish to become a mother and her will to tear the unborn fetus from her womb.
The other women didn't give her solutions for her problems but they understood her. Some had the same dilemma; some had already resolved it, either by termination or giving birth to the child. Some were raising the children, others opted for adoption. She had people who could relate and feeling that she wasn't alone empowered her.
As she unraveled from session to session, she realized that more than anything, all she wanted was to be a mother. She was raped but it had nothing to do with the child. The child wasn't Lane. She had to work on this because she needed this child. She now knew this and she decided that she was going to keep him or her.
The problem was, the pregnancy was taking a serious toll on her body. While she began reducing the sleeping pills as she proceeded with the group sessions and got mentally stronger, she was still having a hard time keeping anything down. She couldn't take Compazine on a regular basis as it had too many side effects and she still had to keep functioning. She managed with milder forms of anti-emetics, but some days even those didn't help. She kept a strict diet, but she was still losing weight, and as she was far from overweight as it was, she was beginning to get worried stares from colleagues. It didn't help that she had deep dark sacks under her eyes, that she was extremely pale and that she was so exhausted and couldn't hide it.
Zach would arrange for her to have IV fluids every day. He would get her a private room and set everything up. It would keep her going, but she felt physically ill most of the time, and the peering stares she felt aimed at her from people passing her by didn't help.
And then there was that big elephant in the room. People didn't want to bother her, but on occasion she would overhear the end of a conversation concerning her. Just the other day she happened to hear Charlie and Alex mentioning her name and the word cancer came up. Brilliant. Just what she needed. Cancer rumors spread all over the hospital.
But to tell them the truth? There would be plenty more rumors once it was revealed. Not that such a secret could stay one for long.
She was going for a scan tomorrow. Zach got her in touch with an OBGYN doc friend of his who promised to keep things discreet. She was eight weeks pregnant and tomorrow she will know if her child was alive and well for the first time.
She was scared and excited, all at the same time. Zach promised to come along. If only a few weeks ago she would have refused, now she was grateful. She wasn't sure if she'd had gone without him.
She had to get through the scan tomorrow. Then she will decide how to handle the prying eyes at work.
The day after the scan
She held the sonogram picture and stared at it. Despite having been pregnant for eight weeks, nothing could convince her more strongly of this fact than having actual proof before her. She closed her eyes and recalled the sound of staccato heart beats emanating from her abdomen. It was alive! She or he was fine! The tight knot in her belly untangled as the doctor continued his account of her womb's contents. She followed his pointed finger as he traced the fetus' delicate skeleton and let out a sigh of relief as he added color to the image and the blood flow path was shown.
She gave Zach a relieved smile and he returned it.
Then the doctor congratulated them on their achievement and that burst her bubble. There was an awkward moment, then silence as she got up and wiped the ultrasound jell off of her belly.
They were both quiet as he drove her home.
She went into deep reverie. This wasn't going to be the last awkward moment surrounding her pregnancy. She would have to get used to this. She would have to deal with it. Find the right answers to keep people's curiosity at bay, as well as her hard feelings over the subject.
Sudden pain soared through her body. Her eyes burst open from the shock of the sudden assault. She grabbed her abdomen and let out a yelp. What the hell?!
Then the sharp pain dulled somewhat and she managed to walk a few steps and collapse on her sofa. She felt her pulse. It was racing. What had just happened?
She sat on the sofa until she felt the spasm had passed, then got up to went to work. She was half way to Hope Zion when another piercing bout of pain soared through her. It took all her strength not to keel over and lose control of the steering wheel. Luckily, traffic was low, and she was able to maneuver herself to the road side where she sat the severe ache through.
As the second attack subsided, she quickly got back on the road and sped as fast as she could towards the hospital. This was more than just a tummy ache, that's one thing she was sure of.
Just as she was entering the parking lot, the pain had started again. She just stopped right in the middle of the lot and panted. The pain was getting worse. She had a general idea what it could be, although it was unusual at this stage of her pregnancy. Maybe it was something else. A kidney stone, perhaps? Funny one would hope for kidney stones, but then again.
Suddenly she jumped at a loud sound coming from her windows. She was still catching her breath, but she had enough strength to look aside at the source of the racket.
"Hey!" Charlie Harris was calling through the car windows. "You OK?"
No, Not again! Why was it always Charlie to the rescue?
She lowered the window and shook her head. To hell with everything! She was feeling like shit, might as well get help.
"OK," Charlie called out, "Stay right here, I'll get a chair." His last couple of words barely audible as he was already half way through the parking lot, rushing to get the wheelchair.
The hurting sensation calmed down once more. Maybe she could make it on her own two feet and somehow keep her dignity. She got out, took her bag and locked the car door. As she began her journey into the hospital building, she heard dashing footsteps from further ahead. Charlie was back for her.
He went into a complete halt when he caught the sight of her. "Feeling better?"
"A bit," she responded, "at least strong enough to make it on my own two feet."
"You don't mind if I join ya?"
She didn't mind. In fact, she was grateful and she let him know it.
They had just emerged within the ER doors when another cycle of pain crept on her without any warning. This time she really did keel over, but Charlie was close by and he managed to get a hold on her before she fell.
Into the chair she went, and the whole show just unfolded before the entire ER. She was sitting hunched on the wheelchair, but she could hear their voices – Nurse Jackson, Zach, Maggie, Cassie and Alex.
Privacy was a thing of the past.
A muddle of voices rushed towards her. "Dawn." "Dr. Bell!?" "What happened?"
She was in too much pain to respond.
"OK, people!" Zach said "This is not some road side show. You all have something to do, so go do it!"
"I don't." That came from Maggie.
She could hear Zach sigh. She would have sighed too if she weren't feeling so goddamn awful.
"OK. I guess you can help me, then."
"Where do you want us?" That was Charlie.
Us. Great. Us.
Dawn was finally feeling strong enough and was able to let out a sigh.
"First curtain to the right."
She almost jumped as she felt the wheelchair move. She was still recovering but she could now get back to a normal sitting position. As she straightened her back, she caught the curious and worried glimpses the rest to ER team were giving her. She sighed again.
She was able to get out of the chair by the time they reached the bed Zach intended for her.
"Hey," Maggie was smiling at her. That wasn't a good sign. Maggie didn't smile much. Come to think of it, neither did she.
"Hey," she responded with a week smile.
"What's going on?" Dr. Lin asked.
She didn't really want to tell her the whole story. She was trying to figure out how much she could say without spilling the entire bean factory, when Charlie excused himself and got out to take care of another case. When he had left, Dawn felt a bit better and freer to talk about some parts of the real issue. It was really Charlie's presence that bothered her. Somehow, as he was her ex, and since she had planned on trying to have a child with him only to find out it would be almost impossible, all of this just made this revelation a lot more painful.
Zach was waiting patiently for her to respond, once again displaying his gift of understanding what people really needed. As Dawn debated her answer, he began hooking her up to the heart monitor, and slipped a pulse ox monitor on her finger.
"Well," she began, and then let out a painful groan. "Oh GOD!" she cried out.
Just like her previous ER visit, she could feel somebody supporting her head and patting her back as she went through another attack. At least this time she wasn't vomiting, but she wasn't sure this was any better. Possibly this was far worse.
Again the painful moment was over, and she fell back into the bed.
"I'll get you something for the pain," Maggie was saying.
"No," Dawn called out faintly.
Maggie turned back. "What?"
"No pain meds."
"Why?"
Dawn took in a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. Finally she spilled the beans. "I'm pregnant."
The surprised look on Maggie's face was something Dawn would have preferred to not see. Nor did she want to hear Maggie's shocked response.
"Get out!"
Zach gave Maggie a piercing glare.
"I mean, congratulations! Wow!" Maggie was unable to get that shoe out of her mouth.
Dawn felt tired and knew there was no rest in her near future. She closed her eyes as she gave in to the exhaustion she was feeling taking her body over.
"How far along are you?" Maggie queried.
"Eight weeks," Zach answered for her.
"You knew?" Maggie was surprised once more.
"Yes," Zach acknowledged.
"You two...?" Maggie continued her interrogation, but didn't say out loud what she was really thinking.
"What?!" Zach sounded appalled. "No!"
Dawn felt as if she was punched in the belly. This was the second time somebody implied that they were having this baby together, and lately Zach had become her confidant, her best friend, and she was beginning to understand she had feelings for him, but she was scared to say anything. She had been hurt too many times. She wasn't sure she could bear the thought of his feelings not being mutual. His response served as confirmation for this. Even if she had never revealed her feelings to him, it still hurt.
No sooner had that thought left her mind and he had realized she was hurt. He mellowed his response to Maggie. "It's not that I wouldn't mind having a child with Dr. Bell, it's just that this child happens to be somebody else's."
"Oh," Maggie was somewhat disappointed.
"Lin, you running the Spanish inquisition today?" Zach sounded impatient.
"Huh?" Maggie didn't get his point.
"What's all this with the endless questions? Give her a pelvic before she has another cramp!"
"Ah, right. Sure."
But it was too late. The, by now all too familiar, 'cramp' was back again and with a vengeance. It was getting worse and she felt as if she would lose consciousness as the attack seemed to last a lot longer this time.
This time, as soon as she relaxed back into bed, she could feel Maggie pulling down her pants so she could give her the pelvic examination. It was so humiliating but she just averted her gaze and stared vacantly into the curtain beside her.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Bell," Maggie apologized. "I'll get you a gown after this."
Dawn didn't respond. This wasn't happening. Not to her. This was somebody else.
As Maggie was finishing getting her colleague's lower parts undressed, Dawn could hear her shocked inhale.
"Zach," Maggie's worried tone could not be concealed.
The rush of air beside her meant Zach had moved from the top of the bed to its lower part to join Maggie and see what she had discovered.
Dawn felt tears streaming along her cheeks. She had no doubt now.
The pregnancy was over. She had lost her child.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry out loud. She couldn't.
"I'm so sorry," Maggie said softly.
Dawn wanted to curl into a tiny ball. She wanted to disappear. Why? Why?
She didn't even have the luxury of indulging in her sorrow. Another jolt of pain soared through her. There was definitely no rest for the wicked.
Through gritted teeth she hissed "Meds!" Might as well get drugged, now that her child was gone.
"Sure," Maggie agreed.
"Wait a minute," Zach caught Maggie by the arm. "Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to have an ultrasound to confirm."
What?! He had to be kidding. "I don't need confirmation," She told him. "I know."
Zach took a hold of her hand and squeezed it. "Then just indulge me, OK?"
She sighed, but nodded assent.
"Good girl," Zach patted her hand.
She hated when guys said that to her. She felt like an animal and its owner, patting her as if she had just sat down at his command. She pulled her hand from within Zach's palms. Just because she was feeling ill, didn't mean she was going to let anybody, not even Zach, talk to her in that manner.
Zach seemed a bit surprised, but he chose not to pursue this. Instead he asked Maggie to hurry up with the ultrasound.
