Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but my own messed up imagination. SE Hinton owns the Outsiders.
AN – wow thanks for all the reviews!
Also – some of you have been confused with the overlapping timelines, here's a little guide to help you along.
When Soda and Ponyboy are alone together and having 'bonding' moments, that is the present. The rest are all memories (one was Ponyboy's dream as seen in the first chapter) . In this chapter, we will see one memory that was before Soda left, and Darry and Ponyboy were close to each other. That's a moment that Ponyboy cherishes.
Well, on to the story! Hope this helped.
…
Tears keep falling, but I feel no sadness. I lash out, but I feel no anger. I smile, but I don't feel happy.
I don't feel anything anymore.
Soda's watching me warily, making sure I don't do something stupid probably. He knows. He can see past my façade. He knows how broken I really am.
"I'm sorry." He keeps saying over and over again, but I know it's not his fault. He was drafted to war, Darry became an abusive alcoholic. I felt nothing but pity for him. Or…what little pity I could feel. As I said before it's getting really hard to feel anything now.
"It's okay Sodapop. I missed you," I added.
"I know…I missed you too."
"I thought you had stopped…stopped writing to me I mean. I thought you hated me. Darry said you did." I felt tears building up in my eyes, and my throat was choking up. I may have a hard time feeling things now but in the rare moments I did feel something it hit me hard.
Soda wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close, I sobbed into his shirt.
"I would never stop writing to you. I tried writing to you every week, but you never responded back…" now Soda was starting to sound upset. Oh no, I didn't want Soda upset. He can't be upset! It wasn't his fault. Not his fault, not his fault, not his fault . . . it was my fault. My fault, my fault, my fault. Damn Darry! I thought, He's the one who drilled this into my mind.
"It was Darry," I explained, "He was cutting off our letters. I don't know how though…I guess he had them mailed to him at work or something."
"Yeah, that's what I found weird about the whole thing. I asked him why you stopped writing to me and he just said you were 'busy'. It…it made me feel like I wasn't worth your time…" Soda trailed off, and I felt anger seethe inside me. It was bad enough that Darry was hurting me, but then he had to hurt Sodapop too! This was too much. Too much…
I must have been shaking, because Soda cautiously put a hand on my shoulder and told me to calm down. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to control my shaky body.
"I-I'm sorry." I said when I finally gained enough self-control to talk.
"What are you sorry for baby?"
"…I didn't want you to be hurt to…"
"I'm not hurt." Soda said, confused. Then I pointed to my heart and he got my meaning.
"It's okay Pone, I know it wasn't your fault…I know that now…"
I nodded and snuggled up against Soda, searching for his comfort. Soda wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I think we fell asleep like that because the next morning when I woke up we were still in the same position.
…
"You little shit! You snotty nosed piece of shit! Fuck!" Darry grabbed at his nose, which was now sporting blood. I stared at my own bloody hand in astonishment, had I really just hit Darry? Or was this all something my sick imagination was thinking up.
I didn't have time to ponder on it though, because the next thing I saw was Darry's fist fly into my face and then I was down. Before I could get up he was on top of me, beating and hitting me. I wasn't going to go down without a fight though - Darry might have currently been going ape-shit on me, but he wasn't going to any more, not without my consent. I grabbed a chunk of his hair and pulled it back, distracting him. Then I kneed him in the groin and rolled out from under him.
I grabbed the first thing I saw – a knife.
Darry took one look at me - his hands still supporting his manhood - and laughed from his half-crouched position. I was scared, and he knew it, but I was still intent on not letting it show. I felt as though I had to act, for him. Why should I do anything for him? Because he's still my brother and I love him, I thought. It saddened me, seeing him red in the face and hating my guts, when I still loved him. I wonder when he stopped loving me. Maybe he never even has? Maybe he only loved Sodapop, and that's why he was acting like this to me now that Soda was gone.
"You wouldn't." he laughed again, and I shakily let the knife fall to the floor. A loud clatter was heard as it crashed to the ground, and I winced. Darry didn't seem to notice though, because he simply walked right past me, mumbling "pick that up". I closed my eyes and let out a long, smooth sigh. I had gotten away, but only this time.
…
I jumped as I felt a hand come down on my shoulder, thinking it was a Soc, but it was only Darry.
"Hey Pony." He said, coming to sit down beside me.
"Hey Dar."
There was a moment of silence, then Darry asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm just thinking…"
"about what?"
"well…Soda's been acting strange lately…"
"Has he?" Darry frowned, concerned. "Do you think something's wrong?"
"Well, I don't want to jump to conclusions but Soda always tells us when something's bothering him, unless it's real important. Soda always tells us, and now he's not…it's like he's avoiding us, ya dig?" I snuggled up to Darry, feeling his arm wrap around me comfortingly.
Darry sat, silent for a moment, then he said, "I'll ask him later tonight."
That's when it all started.
…
I had a nightmare. It was right after the first time he had beaten me. That night Soda slept next to me, and I had searched for his comfort. Soda had no clue to what had happened, and hadn't seen the bruises that were forming on my ribs.
I think I called out Soda's name, because he turned over, took one look at me, and concern immediately flared in his eyes.
"What's wrong? Tell me what happened."
I wanted to tell him, I really wanted to. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I think that was the reason Soda was freaking out so much. I never really liked to cry in front of anyone – even my brothers.
"Come on baby, tell me what's wrong." Soda begged, putting a hand on my neck. I just stared at him, trying to think up a lie.
I guess Soda noticed this, cause he said, "and I aint jokin' when I'm askin you whats wrong. You tell me Pone and you tell me the truth."
"I had a nightmare." It was the truth, I did have a nightmare, but it wasn't the whole truth. In fact it was a very small part of the truth.
Soda's concern melted into pity.
"Oh, Pone…" he reached over and pulled me into a hug. I sobbed into his shirt.
"Do you remember what it was about?" I froze, I couldn't answer that question.
"No." I mumbled a little too quick, Soda seemed convinced though, cause he didn't question me anymore.
I didn't like lying to Soda, in fact, I couldn't stand it.
"Sodapop?"
"Hmm yeah?" Soda was starting to drift off again.
"Why are you leaving me?"
Soda instantly woke up. "Don't say that Pone, I aint leavin you. I'll be back."
"But what if you don't come back!" I was crying, and Soda was looking worried and shocked.
"I will baby, I promise. Nothing bad's gonna happen to me."
I sniffled, "Promise? Promise you won't die."
Soda chuckled softly, "I can't promise I won't die Pone, but I can promise I'll do my best not to."
I shook and hugged him around his middle. He stroked my head comfortingly, and kissed my head.
"Let's try to get some sleep, huh Pone?"
I nodded, and snuggled up closer to him. But the sleep wouldn't come.
…
"It's time to go to school." Darry grunted, pushing past me. I glared at him, but he didn't seem to notice, for which I was glad.
"I don't want to go to school." I flinched as he turned around to stare at me, If looks could kill, I'd bet a million Darry'd be out back digging a hole to put me in.
"You. Are. Going. To school." He hissed out, and I nodded. I didn't want to get him pissed off. He hadn't beaten me all week, and I didn't want that to change.
"Get out, Steve's waiting." He didn't need to give me the look he did then – I already knew not to tell anyone about what Darry was doing to me. But it wasn't my fault Steve found out on his own!
This was stupid. Darry obviously knew something was up – he knew me and Steve never got along but us not talking to each other was starting to arouse suspicions. I hoped he didn't find out, he would be worried that he would get in trouble with the police. I wonder why he didn't just put me in a boy's home already. Was he scared I would tell on him or something?
"Hey Steve." Darry automatically stopped glaring at me as Steve Randal walked in the door. He seemed a little surprised, Steve usually waited outside. Steve didn't say anything back to him, just looked at me.
"You ready?" he asked.
"Ummm…" this was the first time Steve's talked to me in, well, in a long time. "Uh, yeah. I. guess." I glanced at Darry, he gave me a fake smile – which Steve seemed to notice – and literally pushed me out the door. I hit the cold, dewy grass outside and heard footsteps behind me. Someone grabbed my arm and I cringed, thinking it was Darry. I blinked in surprise as Steve pulled me up, checking me over.
"Uh…" I said again.
"Oh no Pone, I'm so sorry!" Darry shoved Steve out of the way and turned to me, mock worry in his eyes. "You okay?"
"I'm fine Darry." I said, my voice a little too tight. Darry glared at me then turned to Steve, putting his 'worried' face on. "Make sure he gets to school alright." He was a good actor, he actually did sound concerned.
"Of course." Steve said, but his gaze held slight hatred. It was then that I noticed a bruise forming on Steve's cheek. His dad must have hit him again – that would explain why he was acting like this to me. Darry didn't seem to notice this and ushered us into Steve's truck.
"Hurry up or you're going to be late." I rolled my eyes, like he cared.
Steve's jaw clenched and - without another word to Darry - hopped into the car beside me, slamming the door shut. I sighed, well this was going to be a fun ride.
…
Personally I think the first chapter was better – what do you think? Questions, comments? Review!
Thanks again to all who reviewed!
