AN - Guest 1 - Thanks! The plan is to cover quite a time period 84-92 it's about 11 chapters with an epilogue (which is post pilot) though the first half is 84-86, Emily's pregnancies do get touched on across the chapters when Lorelai is pregnant. How Emily feels or more importantly why she does some of the things she does ;).
Sara: Thank you, yeah it is sad, v sad in places tbh :( There is quite a bit of Lorelai
Hope you guys like this so the story begins proper. The xXx are scene breaks if you will. Let me know what you think
Chapter 1 – It will not happen
Emily glanced sideways as she felt Lorelai shift further down in the seat beside her. Her daughter was slumped down as low as possible in the seat as she could without actually falling out of the chair. She wasn't sure if Lorelai was in the process of starting to act out or if her daughter was distressed by what she had just had to endure. Part of her wondered if it was both. Emily forced herself to look away from her daughter. Any appearance of critique would start a battle, and Emily did not have the energy for that. It had been hard enough to get Lorelai to get in the car with her to come to the doctors. Emily hated this doctor's office. She had been in it many a time over the last twenty years and whilst Dr Fenlon was an excellent OBGYN it didn't hold many good memories. They were not seeing the Dr Fenlon today, instead one of his younger associates in an emergency appointment. The receptionist had insisted that it was not an emergency but Emily had done what she did best and got her own way.
Lorelai had not wanted to come, nor had she wanted Emily in the examination room, but yet again Emily had been insistent, her daughter was still a minor, and as much as Lorelai thought she knew what she was doing she had had no idea what the examination entailed. The only way Emily had managed to get Lorelai to not start yelling at her was by turning the chair to face away from the table while the nurse and young doctor had carried out their tests. Her daughter had been sweetness and light to the young doctor complying with his wishes as she was weighed, measured and had her blood taken. When the doctor had told Lorelai he was going to do an internal examination and asked Lorelai to get into position, Lorelai had hesitated but done as she was told. Emily had shifted in her chair, watching the doctor out of her peripheral vision, studying him intently. When the internal had begun Lorelai had gasped out, 'Mom!' and her hand had reached out for Emily in fear. Emily had turned and taken it without hesitation. The moment the doctor had finished Lorelai had released her grip, Emily had held on a beat too long and earned herself a scowl from her daughter.
She had always been jealous of her daughter's beautiful blue eyes, amazed about how the colour could change and flash with life, joy, laughter and mostly when directed at her anger. It was fascinating to watch Lorelai's emotions dancing across her irises for all to see. Emily always felt like her own dark brown eyes seemed so boring in comparison. Most of the time she felt like you couldn't see where the pupils ended and the irises began. Richard always told her otherwise. Emily was glad that he was the only one who could see the subtle changes in her eyes. Today especially. She was working too hard to keep her emotions in check, she didn't want her eyes giving her away, any further then the seemingly impossibly deep stress lines that were etched around her eyes already did.
Both of them looked up as the door opened and the doctor entered. Emily straightened in her chair, Lorelai didn't. Emily didn't have the energy to chastise her and tell her to sit up straight.
"Right, well Lorelai everything appears as it should." The doctor sat in his chair and Emily stared at him like he was an idiot. If everything appeared as it should her fifteen year old wouldn't be pregnant. She held her tongue. "We just need to date your pregnancy. Do you remember the date of your last menstruation?" The doctor continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that Emily was staring daggers at him.
Lorelai mumbled something and gave a despondent shrug, after a moment she glanced at Emily and then repeated her mumble at an audible level. "I know when it happened."
"You know the date of conception?" the doctor asked.
"Give or take," Lorelai shrugged once more. "Well we did it once in November and then at the Christmas party which was like December 15t or something and then after midterms in January and then a couple of weeks ago at the Spring fling thing but that's probably too late…" Lorelai trailed off and glanced at her mother once more before becoming very interested in her chipped nail polish.
Emily tried to swallow but it felt as if her heart had just moved into her throat. The Christmas party. Her Christmas Party. Lorelai had had sex during her Christmas party. Whilst they had been entertaining friends and colleagues her daughter had been doing that somewhere in the house. And the Spring Fling had been a club function. She had been so busy playing keeping up with the Joneses she hadn't even noticed Lorelai missing from the event. Emily tried to speak but she couldn't seem to find the appropriate words to form into a sentence.
The doctor broke her brain freeze by asking Lorelai a question about the date of her midterms.
"Like January 16th through 21st or something," Lorelai shrugged once more.
"That's the most likely conception window based on the information we have here." The doctor studied the information in front of him on the chart. "I would suggest that makes Lorelai about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant."
Emily's mouth dropped open in surprise. Given the weight gain she had observed in Lorelai when her daughter was examined she had expected Lorelai to be further along than a few weeks but 14 or 15 weeks! That was the second trimester. Her heart dropped from her throat to her heels. Her brain flittering across the knowledge that Lorelai had already passed the 12 week milestone. Not that it meant anything. Lorelai and the doctor were talking about something else but her ears didn't seem to be able to discern sound.
The movement as Lorelai rose from her seat finally shocked Emily's brain to work once more.
"Mom?" Lorelai stared at her strangely.
"I need to speak with the doctor," Emily cleared her throat trying to make her voice sound steady. "Please wait outside." She looked up at her daughter. The scowl she hated so much had fallen across her daughter's face. "Lorelai please."
Lorelai mumbled something and stomped out the room. The door wasn't slammed and for that Emily was grateful. She made eye contact with the young doctor in front her of. "My daughter is healthy?"
"Yes, she is, everything appears normal. She's booked in and the ultrasound service will be in touch to arrange a scan but based on everything I see here she is in good health." The doctor smiled and made to get up but Emily held her hand up.
"I…Is problems with…" she pressed her lips together and closed her eyes forcing her brain and lips to work properly so she could spit out what she wanted to say. "I suffered 5 miscarriages."
"Oh. I'm sorry Mrs Gilmore," The doctor settled back into his seat and studied her solemnly. "Lorelai has passed the first trimester it is unlikely…"
"Three of them were late term," Emily interrupted. Her fists clenched and her nails dug into the flesh on her palm. "Between weeks 20 and 22. The final one I had a stitch put in or around the…um…the opening of the uterus," the details of the procedure eluded her and she looked at the doctor hopeful that he would understand, "it didn't work. That will not happen to Lorelai!"
"There is nothing to indicate it will Mrs Gilmore. Lorelai is…"
"No!" Emily stood up. "It will not happen. I do not want platitudes. It will not happen. Everything that needs to be done to ensure my grandchild is born healthy will be done."
"Of course Mrs Gilmore," The doctor rose. "You were treated by this practice?"
"Yes," Emily nodded.
"May I have your permission to look at your records?"
Emily nodded dumbly. If letting this young man read her medical records prevented Lorelai from having to suffer the same terrible fate that she had done then she would allow it. "I will be at her next appointment. Thank you doctor." Her etiquette forced her politeness despite her brain not functioning properly.
She slipped out of the room. Her legs felt like they would give out from beneath her. She seemed incapable of movement, of breathing, of rational thought. She placed her hand against the wall to steady herself. She had lost her composure in this hallway once before. But then she had had Richard. Her wonderful strong dependable Richard holding her, keeping her safe, telling her it was OK that they couldn't have any more children. That it didn't matter that the doctor had told them not to try. That her health was more important than trying for another baby. That because they had Lorelai and he had her it was enough. It had never felt like enough. She was never enough. She looked up, Lorelai was watching her from the front desk and Emily did what she did best. She put on a front, her mask pulling across her face as she felt the steel run down her spine. She drew herself to her full height. She wouldn't let this office defeat her, she wouldn't let this failure and how much it hurt her show on her face. Besides she had to be strong for Lorelai. She had a meeting with the school and then at some point had to deal with the Hayden's. She had to be strong.
She bustled to the front desk and noted Lorelai's next appointment in her day planner. The pair exited the office in silence. Emily walked with her head high, conscious that Lorelai was trudging along beside her, wishing she could do the same. The car was sanctuary, away from the noise of the street. Lorelai slumped into the passenger seat and closed the door softly. They sat in silence for a few moments, neither really sure what they were supposed to do.
"Mom," Lorelai broke the awkwardness. "Thanks, with the…" she looked down embarrassed, "do I have to have that done again."
Emily nodded silently staring intently at the car parked in front of her. She looked towards her daughter as Lorelai let out a groan of disgust. "There are lots of things that you will find distasteful. One of the joys of pregnancy."
"You could have warned me," Lorelai gripped sliding down in the seat.
Emily considered the comment for a moment. "It's why I wanted to come in."
"Oh," Lorelai whispered, shifting once more.
Emily studied her daughter intently, Before the bombshell the previous night Emily had noticed in passing that her daughter had seemed to have gained a couple of pounds but Lorelai had been scrupulous about avoiding any kind of prolonged contact which would have enabled Emily to bring it up with her. When her daughter had dropped the atom bomb containing the news of her pregnancy Emily had seen everything that she herself had gone through with her own pregnancies. Like her, Lorelai had been slender and Lorelai's school uniform looked very tight across her breasts and stomach. A thought struck her as to why her daughter was slouching so much. "Is your skirt too tight?" Emily asked softly.
Lorelai stared at her alarmed before nodding guiltily. "Yeah. I'm getting fat already."
"You're not fat," Emily finally put the keys in the ignition. "I'll get you the next size up so you are more comfortable. Do you need anyth…"
"Could you just give me the money, I could get it myself," Lorelai asked hopefully.
Emily shook her head. "No, Lorelai. I will get your clothes." Emily closed her eyes; she didn't want anyone to see Lorelai. She didn't even want to consider what Lorelai would choose as maternity wear. "Do you need to get something to eat before we go to school?"
Lorelai shook her head, "I'm not hungry."
"Alright," Emily started the car. "We have a meeting with the Principal at 12.30 to discuss … this"
Lorelai looked at her alarmed, her eyes flashing with nervous indignation. Emily held up her hand silencing the protest before they began. "Lorelai please. We have to do this, the school has to be made aware. Can we please just wait until after the meeting and when we are home before any discussion begins?"
Lorelai dropped back into her seat her arms folding across her chest and she turned away to look out the window with a defiant huff.
Emily released an exhausted sigh and began to manoeuvre the car out of the space. It was only 11.30 in the morning and she felt as if she had no energy at all. No energy to deal with this at all. Yet it had only just begun.
xXx
"Lorelai!" Emily called warningly after her daughter as her daughter jumped out of the just stopped car. Emily quickly threw the car into park and leapt out of the car after her daughter, rushing across the immaculate driveway to catch up with her daughter who was already pushing open the door. She gave a yell of surprise as the door was nearly slammed into her face, managing to catch the door with her hands before it caused her any damage. Inside the house Lorelai was already running for the stairs and Emily heard herself yelling at her daughter to stop. She closed her eyes for a moment, she felt as if she had two brains functioning, and they simply wouldn't connect, now with the pain in her wrists she couldn't process anything.
"LORELAI PLEASE!" she heard herself yell as her daughter reached the quarter landing. Her daughter stopped and pivoted to look at her. Lorelai was trying not to cry, trying to put a brave face on things. Emily was as well and she wished she could articulate that to Lorelai, but once again her brain just didn't seem to be able to work properly. "Please," she repeated and gestured towards the couch. Lorelai didn't move instead just stared at her. Emily slowly made her way to the stairs, cautiously climbing them, scared to approach her daughter for fear what may happen.
The meeting at the school had been a disaster. The Principal had been a condescending patronizing moron, with zero empathy and compassion. He had belittled Lorelai and belittled her, heaping blame when Emily already felt like the biggest failure in the world. Emily wondered if Richard had been there things would have been different, but it was moot. Richard had retreated to work, he hadn't even been able to say Lorelai's name let alone face looking at her. Emily knew he was disappointed and angry but mostly he was scared and confused. Lorelai was daddy's golden girl, she always had been. Emily closed the distance between her and her daughter "Lorelai," Emily whispered holding her hand out as a sign of truce.
"That man is a sanctimonious asshole!" Lorelai spat taking a step backwards and putting herself in the corner of the stairwell.
Emily couldn't disagree with her daughter's assessment but she shook her head anyway. Her daughter's language was inappropriate and disrespectful. "Lorelai, please don't talk like that. I'm sorry I should have taken that meeting on my own," she blinked in confusion as Lorelai took an audible gasp and the anger dropped from her blue eyes to be replaced by surprise. "What?"
"You apologised," Lorelai whispered in awe. "To me."
Emily frowned and shook her head dismissively. "Lorelai, please. Now we know the schools position, we have a plan in place for ensuring your schooling continues. We need to set the rules for home."
"Rules?" the anger flashed into Lorelai's eyes once more.
Emily tried to reach out to touch her shoulder but Lorelai shrugged just out of reach. "Yes rules. Our job now is to make sure, you and the baby are healthy. Please can we sit?"
Lorelai scowled but did as she was asked stomping down the stairs. Emily followed tiredly and sank into the chair opposite Lorelai. "Now it goes without saying no drinking, no climbing out of windows," Lorelai looked up at her in surprise, as if she had been oblivious to the fact that her parents knew she sneaked out of the house. "Yes I know that is how you get out the house. You are to go to school and to the doctors. Any other outing must be approved by your father and me beforehand."
"What!" Lorelai sat forward and glowered at her, her eyes on fire as her body tensed with indignation.
"I am not saying you can't go out just that we need to approve it first. We need to check that it's appropriate and safe." Lorelai slumped into the sofa and huffed. "We have to make changes Lorelai, you can't just think about what you want. It's about what's best for the baby as well." Lorelai looked down at her stomach and sighed sadly. Emily sat forward in the seat. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Lorelai looked up at her with narrowed eyes "About what? I know you and Dad are mad at me. I spoiled everything. Broke the plan, sullied the Gilmore name. I'm the black sheep. You should ship me off. Lock me in the tower, turn me into Rapunzel…"
"Lorelai," Emily held her hand up, instructing her daughter to stop. "Please don't." Emily frowned as a thought struck her. "Is that what this attitude is? You want me to be angry with you?" she sighed as Lorelai gave a barely perceptible nod. "Well I'm sorry I can't right now." Emily sat back in her chair exhausted; she studied her daughter, Lorelai suddenly looked like a little girl rather than a teenager who thought she was a woman. Her eyes were filled with sadness, the blue dulled by unshed tears. It was worse than the flashing anger. "This…I never expected this… I don't have the energy for this. Any of this." Emily admitted softly. "It's too much."
"I thought you would be mad." Lorelai whispered curling herself forward and hugging her knees. "I thought you would shout and yell. Then I thought maybe you'd surprise me and you'd hug me and tell me it will all be OK. But you didn't do anything you just stared at me. Now you're dismissing me." Lorelai sat up again and stared her down accusingly, "you went into process mode. Follow process follow process hello robot. I must follow procedure. I must not show emotion," she looked down at her stomach and sighed. "I shouldn't really be surprised. You're a Vulcan. You'd make Spock proud."
"Lorelai," Emily whispered. "Go upstairs," she was shaking, trembling. Emily could feel the composure she had been holding onto slipping. She needed to get away from her daughter but her legs had ceased to function. So she had to send Lorelai away.
"Sure," Lorelai muttered. "I'll go wait in my tower for Chris and his Mom and Dad."
Lorelai slunk out of the room but Emily barely even noticed, every fibre of her being was being used to keep herself from collapsing. It was the only way she could keep going. She had learned a long time that locking the emotions away was the only way to keep functioning. Emily didn't understand her daughter's references but she got the sentiment, Lorelai wanted a reaction, anger or compassion. Emily was trying, she was too shocked to be angry, she was trying to be compassionate but she just didn't know what to say. The only thing Emily could manage was following the process. She had taken Lorelai to the doctor, she had spoken to the school. She had spoken with the Hayden's. She had arranged the meeting to discuss with them what they were all going to do now. She had done what she thought she meant to do. She was getting it all wrong. But nothing in this situation was right.
xXx
She braced herself as Straub started pacing and shouting again. He had been going on and on about Lorelai's pregnancy for the last hour. Francine had been sobbing for most of that hour. If had been a relief to escape to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Emily glanced over at Richard but he still seemed incapable of adding to the conversation. She frowned as Francine suggested that Lorelai be sent away. She could hear herself defend her daughter there was no way she was sending Lorelai anywhere, she had to keep her daughter close to her so she could protect her and keep her safe. Lorelai had said she wanted love and compassion, maybe this was her version of that. Straub suggested abortion and Emily blinked in shock. Ice water seemed to run down her back and she looked up at the man in horror. Francine's breathy recitation of her husband's name showed how shocked she was as well. Emily was surprised to hear herself speak, to defend Lorelai, to attack the abhorrent suggestion that they force their daughter to do that. Not the words, she was absolutely certain about the words but she was surprised that she was able to articulate her thoughts. She wanted to reach out and throttle the man. How dare he suggest such a thing! How dare he! Suddenly Richard was standing, stating what they would do and Emily found herself agreeing with him as Richard fled from the living room. He was going to his study. He was retreating, away from what he couldn't deal with. He had said his piece and now he was leaving her to deal with them. Emily wished they would go. Francine was sobbing again and Emily was frightened that if they didn't leave that she would start to cry also. Straub was muttering something about Christopher and how Lorelai was ruining his life. It was all Emily could do to stay in her seat to prevent herself from smacking the man over the head with the flower arrangement. She hated the man in front of her. She simply couldn't understand how he could even suggest such a thing. How he thought all of this was Lorelai's fault. It took two to make a baby.
"I don't want to get married," echoed down the stairwell. "Chris, stop it. I don't want to marry you. No let me go."
Emily rose from her seat and ran towards the noise. Lorelai was trying to get up from where the two teenagers had clearly been hiding on the landing listening in but Christopher had grabbed her arm and was trying to pull her back down. Emily ran at him and yanked his arm away from Lorelai. Christopher looked at her in shock and Emily had no idea what she was supposed to do now.
Lorelai solved the problem stomping up the stairs and screaming in rage about what had been suggested. Emily looked tiredly over her shoulder. "Please see yourselves out. I must see to Lorelai. We can discuss how we proceed with the plan at a later date." She turned and moved towards Lorelai's room, the Hayden's were forgotten. Lorelai was what mattered now. The stress was not good for her. She entered the bedroom without knocking. Lorelai was curled on the bed sobbing into one of her stuffed animals. Emily walked forward with leaden steps and sat on the bed beside her daughter. She made to rest her hand on Lorelai's back to provide her daughter the comfort that Lorelai so desperately sought but in that moment Lorelai turned and stared up at her. Her blue eyes were flashing between anger and fear.
"I'm not marrying him!"
Emily swallowed, trying to steel herself against the venom in Lorelai's voice. "It's the proper thing to do. When you get pregnant you get married."
"I am not marrying him!" Lorelai repeated again, with more force. "I don't want to be a part of that family. They want to kill her. They want to kill my baby."
Emily jerked forward and seized Lorelai's shoulders, the suddenness made her daughter jump in surprise. Their eyes locked. "That will never happen! Do you hear me? That will not happen." As quickly as she had moved before, Emily's hands fell from Lorelai's shoulder and into her lap. She looked down forlornly at the pattern on the bedspread. She could feel Lorelai's gaze on her, her cheeks were burning under her daughter's scrutiny, it hurt as much as the silence. She forced herself to look up. Lorelai had a curious look on her face, a look that Emily couldn't place; it was as if all Lorelai's emotions had smashed together and where fighting to control the muscles of her face. Emily knew she needed to break the silence that hung heavily in the air. "You said she." She finally managed to whisper.
Lorelai looked down at her thickened middle, her hand coming to rest over the place where the baby currently resided. "It feels like a girl."
Emily smiled, she had felt the same with her babies, known what they were. "I knew you were a girl," she told Lorelai softly. They fell back into silence before Emily finally found the ability to ask what she had wanted to ask since Lorelai had told them. "Why Lorelai?"
"Why what?" Lorelai asked curiously looked up from her stomach.
"Why…" Emily dropped her head. "What possessed you to have s…"
"We were bored," Lorelai mumbled. "The first time, we were just fooling about and we got carried away. The first time kind of sucked, most of the time it kind of sucked," Lorelai sighed, "but it was nice, the bit after, when he hugged me. It made me feel special; he made me feel like I was loved. I liked that, that's why we had it the other times even though it was kind of lame." Emily looked up and stared at her daughter once more she was flabbergasted and her brain was frustratingly blank. "I didn't mean to Mom," Lorelai whispered. "I didn't mean for it to happen. You do mean it though right? You won't make me get rid of her, even after she's born. I can keep her?"
Emily's eyes widened so much they felt like they would fall from her skull. In all of this she had never considered the baby not being here, that the baby wouldn't come back to the house. The minute Lorelai had told them she was pregnant everything had been about bringing a healthy baby home. She nodded painfully "Yes Lorelai, we're keeping the baby." It couldn't be any other way.
