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You are not alone in this. She looks at you. And you know it because you look at her. And lately when you turn your head away from your friends into her direction, you're met directly with those blue eyes of hers that are clearly already looking at you in that moment.
So even though an hour ago you swore to yourself that you would never step a foot into that bar, ever again. You're going to be there tomorrow, and the day after that one, and you find peace in the thought that she will be there too.
Chapter two - when you meet her
Seven months earlier...
You're broody. You always have been. It has something, but not everything, to do with the fact that you lost your brother, also Meredith's husband, two years ago, or with the failed relationships in your past. You always have been a little different, ever since you were little. Some might call you alternative, broody or dark. It's nothing new to you. You don't have to leave the house for work, that doesn't help either; your sister Meredith always tells you.
And the fact that you are oh so broody helps with your writing, and is definitely good for selling your books. You've written two up until this point and already have earned enough for you to be living comfortably and not worry about money or writing another one of those books. So even though you don't really have to write, you keep doing it. It might not be neccessary for the money, but it is neccessary for you. Writing is your coping meganism. It's your way of dealing with stuff that happens in your life. If you wouldn't put your pen to paper, or better said move those fingers over your keyboard, you would go mad, if only from the lack of sleep.
It's the reason Meredith drags you to this awful bar nearby her work this evening. You're waiting for her by the entrance of the hospital and after you will cross the street together towards Meredith's second, no maybe third (after the hospital) home. The bar. You've been there once before, and don't particularly like it; hence your stubbornness about visiting the bar again tonight. It has nothing to do with the bar or with the fact that it's hard for you to keep your alcohol intake to a minimum, but more with the fact that Meredith seems to know everybody there and you're the broody writer sister that also happens to be the little sister of the famous brain doctor that passed away two years ago.
Meredith has moved on for as much as would be possible, and you're happy about that. With you it's the same, but those hospital people don't know you so when they see you, they keep looking at you with such a look of sympathy that it makes you cringe inside. You are here for a night out, not for people to remind you that your brother isn't here anymore.
You figure you just have to get over it because you do want to see Meredith and Maggie more, and it just so happens to be that they are almost always either working at the hospital or drinking the night away at this very bar.
Maggie is working tonight so will not be joining you two this time. When you enter the bar Meredith immediatly holds two fingers up for Joe to see in order to let him know to get two beers ready. You've been sticking to your rule of two drinks a night ever since your drinking became a problem after Derek died. At first you just stopped cold turkey. But it didn't work for you because when you would go off the rail you would go off completely and almost drink yourself into oblivion. Sticking to the two on a night out rule has proven to work for you for almost a year now.
It's clear as day that you don't feel as comfortable here as Meredith does. She seems in sync with the place as anybody could theoretically be with a bar, more than that even. And even if you would come here as much as Meredith does, you're more of a 'see which way the wind blows' type anyway. So that is exactly what you do for the first hour or so. You sip your beer rather than chugging it, like your sister does, and you look around. You admire your sister for the way she talks so freely with everybody, and for the way she seems to have found her joy back. You know it's what Derek would have wanted for her. There has been no love interest for her up until now, but she seems generally happy with the life she is living now, even if it is unfortunately without Derek.
You're perfectly happy to just watch Meredith interact with people rather then mingle yourself. That is until someone, that is introduced to you before as Alex, walks in together with a blonde woman who looks like she might be the happiest women on earth. She's smiling so widely that her dimples are on full show, and because you feel like you got caught staring you look around and notice that you're definitely not the only one looking in her direction. What's even more weird is that you feel not too good about those other people that are watching her. You can't quite place the feeling, but it isn't a pleasant one.
Luckily Meredith is too busy with other people to see you looking at the blonde woman, more because you know that when she notices Alex, and that said woman she would probably introduce you two and you're not ready for that, you think. You don't know why. Why wouldn't you be ready to just shake some woman's hand, tell her your name and make small talk? You absolutely can not think of one rational reason other than that you're just not ready, and that it probably isn't rational, you think, right? God what is wrong with me?
This whole thing makes you whisper something in Meredith's ear before you head towards the bar to order that second beer for this night. You don't know why but you need that second beer right now. You already feel that after that second beer you need to leave because you probably need a third or a fourth, and that just isn't going to end well for you. You know yourself well enough for that. With two beers in hand you walk back towards Meredith and hand hers over.
Suddenly you start trying to mingle into Meredith's conversations just to keep yourself busy. To keep your eyes from looking across the bar, into her direction. And even though it feels like you're already trying really hard to do that, you know you're already failing and you tell yourself to try harder. At one point you even start counting down between your looks towards her. You're making bets with yourself to at least wait five minutes every time before you look into her direction once again. The counting also keeps you from thinking about what the hell it is that you're doing anyway. It's something that you will have to think about later, not because you want to but because you probably can't escape thinking about it, even if you wanted to.
It makes you not want to go home. Not just because you want to keep being able to look at her, but also because it means that you will have to face what this means. Because even without thinking about it, or even with trying to escape the meaning of this, you already know. The meaning overtakes your entire being even though you don't want to admit it, don't want to think about it.
You're attracted to her.
It's the only explanation. Even without thinking about what the looking into her direction means, you know what it means. There is only one explanation why you would keep looking at her like she hung the moon. It's even worse that you haven't felt like this in what seems like forever, definitely since before Derek died, and even before then you can't seem to think about someone that made you feel like this so strongly.
And you really don't want to think about what that means, like at all.
You're so close to that third beer. So close that you need to remove yourself from this bar a.s.a.p. You tell Meredith just that. Not the why though. You don't tell her that you need that third beer so much to cope with the thought that you're attracted to a woman. To the woman that is standing in this bar talking to Alex, and that probably means that she is either his girlfriend or another one of Meredith's colleagues. You don't feel particularly joyful about either of those two.
"Mer, I'm going home alright?"
"What, already? Come on Amelia, loosen up a little. Just have fun okay?"
"It's okay; you don't have to come with me. But I really need to just go home right now," you say a little more sternly this time. Of course she picks up on that tone you just used.
"You sure you're alright, because I can go with you, you know." She tells you and you know she's just saying it because she's supposed to, being the older 'sister', and all that.
"It's fine Mer, I'm fine. You just keep enjoying yourself and I'll see you at home okay?" You tell her while you put a small smile on your face, just enough for her to really believe you are okay to go home by yourself, and for her to indeed resume her activities for this evening.
You're a little nervous to get out of the bar actually, because it means you would have to walk right by her after staring at her frankly for the whole evening. You think you're safe though, that she didn't notice your looks. You have looked around the bar enough to know that she didn't see those other looks from other people too so, you think you are safe to walk past her and just go home, forget about this evening altogether.
With every step you are getting closer you feel your eyes almost giving in by looking at her just one more time. You didn't expect to already be this close to her, and most of all you didn't expect her to be staring right back at you. Before you can comprehend what is happening, and trying to divert your eyes from her blue ones she grips your wrist. Apparently she did realize that you were just going to bolt before acknowledging the fact that it would maybe be polite to greet each other in such a situation.
It doesn't help that Alex is standing right next to her. You know it's going to be any second now that he acknowledges you too, and he will introduce you two. You already know how you will be introduced, and you're not happy about that either. You would love to just be someone else than just Meredith's sister in law, which means that you're Derek's baby sister, and nobody ever lets that one go.
You were right. Before the blonde can speak up, Alex does.
"Hey, you're Derek's little sister right? Amy, is it?"
Amy. You hate that he calls you that. You don't even know him, not really. You can count the people that may call you that on one hand, especially after Derek died. He invented Amy.
"Amelia, yes. Amelia Shepherd."
You don't know why you add the Shepherd to it. If they know you're Derek's little sister they also know that your last name is Shepherd.
"Amelia Shepherd, the writer?" The blonde asks you and that definitely makes you look up. You can also count the people that called you that before on one hand. You like that she's one of them now.
You smile at her. A real smile this time. Not one of those smiles you just gave your sister. "Amy Shep, I mean Amelia Shepherd: the writer, yes."
She offers her hand for you to shake. "It's nice to meet you, Amy." And for once you don't seem bothered by someone using that very special nickname for you. You kinda like it when she says it.
You forget to ask her for her name in return. You're too busy discussing with yourself to just leave already or to make further conversation. The first one is winning out.
"It's nice to meet you too." You tell her before you take those three steps towards the door.
Arizona's POV
"It's Arizona." You try to tell her but she's already out of the door.
A/N
So here's the second chapter for you guys. Happy to hear your thoughts about this chapter, story! There might even be a third chapter in a couple of hours..
I apologize to any of my Orange is the new black stories readers... I haven't forgotten about those stories yet. Just felt more like writing this.. Will be back soon for those stories also though!
