Previously in Chapter 1: After breaking up with Fez on Valentine's Day, Jackie moves on to New York—leaving Hyde behind with one hell of a goodbye kiss.

Disclaimer: I still have no rights whatsoever to That '70s Show.

Chapter 2- You Can Go Home Again…to Wreak Havoc (Part 1)


Friday, December 21st, 1984

New York City, New York

Jackie's Apartment

"Of course you missed me, Donna. How could you not? I am irreplaceable," Jackie told her friend over the phone as she began taping up boxes.

"It's just too bad you couldn't come right after you finished this semester at NYU," her red-headed friend commented on the other side of the phone.

"I know. I could have come last week but they wouldn't let me off work. Work sucks, by the way. They're always bossing me around and telling me what to do. I mean, who do they think I am? Eric?" she complained.

"Jackie, that's usually how it goes. Unless you're the boss."

"Yeah, well, all I know is I like bossing people around and telling other people what to do. Not the other way around," the brunette stated.

"No, really?" was the sarcastic reply.

"Whatever, lumberjack," Jackie said flippantly. "So now that you and that twerpy little husband of yours have graduated, what are you doing?"

"Eric is going to start teaching at our old high school once the new school year starts and right now I'm working at the local paper."

"God, how very…full-circle of you," Jackie responded. "I mean, you go through all that trouble trying to get out of Point Place only to come right back."

"Yeah, but…its home," Donna defended. "Actually, I was surprised when you told me you were planning on staying in New York after you graduate in May. I guess I always thought you'd come home for good someday."

Jackie fidgeted awkwardly as she began labeling the boxes she was previously taping. "I kind of thought I'd come back too," she admitted, "but now I think it's probably better to go forward, you know? Not backwards…"

"Alright, but we all really miss you," Donna told her. "It's not the same being at the Forman's with everyone here but you. It's far too quiet…"

"Donna, quit being so sentimental," Jackie commanded. "I'm going to be there tomorrow morning for God's sake. Besides, I'm sure not everyone misses me…"

The line went quiet for a minute. "Jackie, if you're talking about Hyde, I'm pretty sure he misses you."

"Really, what would make you say that?" she asked in a would-be casual voice.

"I can't say…"

"Whatever, Donna," Jackie cut off, annoyed. "I just hope my visit doesn't turn into a complete disaster like the past two times. When Steven and I are around each other, it turns into a train wreck."

"Jackie, your visits were not disasters…not complete disasters anyway."

"Oh yes they were!" argued Jackie. "Don't you remember your wedding reception? It was a complete disaster. They should have put caution tape around the vicinity."

Jackie sighed as she pulled the phone away from her ear and thought back to Donna's wedding reception…


***FLASHBACK***

Saturday, June 5th, 1982

Point Place, Wisconsin

Point Place Hotel—Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception

Jackie, Fez, Kelso, and Hyde were all sitting at the bar waiting for Eric and Donna to arrive.

"God, how much longer are Eric and Donna gonna be? I mean, I know they're taking pictures at the church, but they're not that attractive. Donna's gonna look like a lumberjack and Eric's gonna look like a skinny girl no matter how many pictures they take," bitched Jackie, taking a sip of her drink.

"Maybe they got lost," Kelso offered. "I almost got lost. I mean, those signs they put up were really difficult to follow."

Hyde gave him a look. "What was so difficult? The signs said 'Eric and Donna's Wedding Reception' with an arrow pointing the way."

"I know, but I got really confused whether the sign meant that Eric and Donna's wedding reception was right there or if I was supposed to follow the arrow. Eventually, I figured out Eric and Donna probably wouldn't be having their wedding reception outside next to a stop sign. Plus, everybody else just seemed to be driving by," Kelso explained seriously.

"Michael, that was you by that stop sign?" Jackie interjected. "I was wondering what kind of moron would block the whole intersection! Didn't you hear me honking?"

"Yeah, I heard you," Kelso answered. "I thought you were trying to hit on me."

"Why would you think I was trying to hit on you by honking?" she asked, looking at him like he was stupid (which clearly, he was).

"Isn't that what honking your horn usually means?" Kelso asked before adding, "I'm not stupid. I passed my driver's test. I know honking your horn is equal to an invitation for sex. Not that I can blame you for wanting to do it with me. I am a fine man specimen. Just let me know when you want to do it…"

Everyone at the bar stared at him in disbelief.

"Kelso, you're the King," Hyde said, raising his glass in salute before taking a swig.

"Jackie is right," Fez announced all of a sudden. "Eric and Donna should hurry their lazy asses over here. The sooner they get here, the sooner we can have cake. Those two bastards didn't even provide any candy here at the reception to keep me entertained," he griped bitterly.

"You think you have problems?" Jackie asked, her voice exceptionally whiny. "At least you didn't have to wear a brown bridesmaid's dress. Brown. What the hell was Donna thinking?" Jackie looked down at her dress with distaste. "You know, I think she was trying to make me look bad because she knows I'm more attractive than her and she didn't want me to overshadow her on her big day. I mean, who can blame her? I am way better looking. But brown? I'm supposed to be the maid of honor!"

"Yeah, Jackie. You look more like the maid of poop!" quipped Kelso.

A second later…

"Ow! Jackie! What'd you kick me for?"

"Shut up, Michael!" she ordered. "I can't believe I'm stuck here with you morons," she complained, "and I can't believe Eric and Donna chose to have their wedding reception at Point Place Hotel. Talk about tacky."

"You know what I think is tacky, Jackie?" Hyde asked. "What I think is tacky is when some snotty little rich girl puts down other people because they can't afford what she can."

He may as well have given her a slap in the face. "What do you know, Steven? For your information, they could have afforded—"

"Yeah, if they wanted to go broke," he angrily interrupted. "Why are you so materialistic? Today isn't supposed to be about showing off. Nor is it about you and the color of your dress. It's about Eric and Donna throwing their lives away to make a commitment to each other."

"Believe me, Steven. I know what a wedding is for," she retorted with equal anger.

"Really? Because all those times you badgered me to get married, I kind of got the feeling you didn't want to get married so much as you wanted to play dress-up and have a party."

Jackie gave him her best glare. "You have no idea what I wanted, Steven Hyde. Just like you have no idea what I wanted for Eric and Donna," she lectured.

"Enlighten me," he said, rolling his eyes. "What did you want for Eric and Donna?"

"I wanted them to have a day to remember. I wanted them to be able to look back years from now and remember how great today was and how great the décor was," she answered simply.

"Well, some people aren't silly and stuck-up enough to want a big fancy wedding complete with Prince Charming, a horse-drawn carriage, and glass slippers," Hyde scathingly remarked.

"I never said I wanted those things," she argued.

Hyde gave her a look.

"Well, I never said I wanted glass slippers," she amended. "They'd be too hard to walk in. Besides, how would I dance? They'd probably break."

"I bet I could walk in them," Fez said thoughtfully.

The tension between Hyde and Jackie momentarily broke when they turned to look at Fez.

"You know, man. I bet you could," Hyde agreed with an evil smile. "It'd probably be even better than the ruby slippers…"

"Shut your trap, you sonofabitch," Fez huffed as he stood up. "I told you! It's a show of masculinity in my country! Now, since I can't have real candy, I'm going to go find my sweet Candy…" he announced before stomping away from the bar.

"I can't believe he's actually dating that slut from the Candy and Mandy show," Jackie commented. "I mean, that's not a dress she's wearing! It doesn't even completely cover her butt!" she cried, pointing to the slut in question.

"That's what happens to guys after they date you," Hyde said. "You screw them up so bad, they consider a stripper as a step up."

Silence.

"Actually, Hyde," Kelso interjected. "Candy's not technically a stripper—"

"Screw you, Steven!" Jackie exploded. "What the hell do you know?" she asked, taking a gulp of her drink.

"Apparently, a lot," he annoyingly answered. "Being that I used to screw you…"

"What a coincidence," Kelso butted in. "I used to screw Jackie too—"

"You're both pigs!" Jackie cried. "I'm so glad I moved out of Point Place and got away from filth like you two! It's no wonder I had such crappy relationships here when the quality of men is so poor!"

"I don't think the problem was the men in Point Place," Hyde argued, not bothering to hide his loathing. "I think the problem was the men in Point Place being subjected to you."

Jackie was quick to refute his statement. "I'm not the problem! How could I be the problem? I'm beautiful, rich, and talented. If anything, I'm the solution! And for your information, the guy I just started seeing is wonderful. It's nothing at all like the train wreck that was our relationship."

"That must be because you just started seeing him. Believe me, sooner or later it will turn into a train wreck. The poor guy will be minding his own business when all of a sudden Train Jackie comes out of nowhere and crashes into him and everything goes up in flames."

"Guys, I love trains!" Kelso inappropriately exclaimed. "How about we all play with trains later—"

"I do not come out of nowhere and crash into people!" Jackie yelled, ignoring Kelso.

Hyde surveyed her skeptically. "Really? Because that's kind of what our relationship felt like to me. One day, I was fine. Next day, here comes Train Jackie to wreak havoc."

"Train Jackie does not wreak havoc!" she shrieked, now extremely worked up. "The only reason you think that is because Train Steven kept moving along the track at an extremely slow pace! Train Jackie just tried to pick up the pace a bit, but then Train Steven stopped completely, causing Train Jackie to crash into him!"

"Well, maybe if Train Jackie hadn't kept pushing Train Steven so much, he would have kept going on the track and they never would have crashed!" Hyde argued, clearly not realizing how ridiculous the conversation had gotten in his anger.

"It doesn't matter if they didn't crash if they never reached the station!" was her passionate response.

"Guys, guys, guys," repeated Kelso, putting a hand on both of their shoulders. "You two need to stop fighting. I mean, c'mon, you guys are arguing about trains and everybody knows the fun thing about playing with trains is making them crash into each other," he reasoned as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Jackie and Hyde both glared at him.

"Fine, fine," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. "If you want to argue about trains, far be in from me to stop you. I'm going to go see if I can find Candy's twin sister, Mandy. Fez said she was coming…"

Kelso then exited, leaving Jackie and Hyde to turn their glares onto each other.

Unable to keep her mouth shut, "You're such an inconsiderate jerk—"

"You're such a loud-mouthed bitch—"

"You're so completely self-centered—"

"I'm self-centered? Look who's talking—"

"You have no idea how to make a relationship work—"

"You have no idea how to keep from ruining a relationship—"

"Hey, everybody!" suddenly came the loud, booming voice of Red Forman, putting a stop to Jackie and Hyde's argument and gaining the attention of everyone in the reception. "I've been given the unfortunate task of announcing that Mr. and Mrs. Dumbass have arrived and are about to make their belated appearance!"

A second later…

"Ow! Kitty, what was that for? I told you I didn't want to address the crowd…"

Hyde turned to Jackie. "As miserable as it has been arguing with you, I'm going to take that as my cue to leave and tell Eric and Donna how tacky you find their reception."

"You jerk—" she began as she tried to kick him, but he quickly moved out of the way.

He smiled evilly. "Gotta move fast to avoid being hit by Train Jackie," he quipped before making his exit.

"Train Steven is a tool!" she bellowed to his retreating figure, before gulping down the remainder of her drink.

"Train Jackie does not come out of nowhere and crash into people," she murmured. She then turned and yelled to the bartender, "Hey! Hurry up and get me another Kamikaze!"


About an hour later…

Jackie, Fez, Kelso, and Hyde were also seated at their assigned table at the reception hall (Jackie and Hyde were sitting as far away from each other as possible).

"I can't believe Forman and Donna's first dance is to Dreamweaver," Hyde remarked with disgust.

"Eric said it had sentimental value," Fez explained.

"Sentimental value or not, it's still a crap song. I mean, I can see Forman going for it, but I thought Donna would have better taste. This is like something Jackie would pick," he replied.

"I'm right here, you know," Jackie bitched.

"I know," he said, seemingly unaffected.

Flipping her hair, "Well, even I don't like this song. Gary Wright sounds too much like a girl."

Hyde raised an eyebrow in surprise. "That settles it. If the song is too girly for Jackie, it's really a crap song."

"I like it," Fez said lightly.

Hyde rolled his eyes. "You would."

"I don't know, guys," Kelso said. "I kind of like it too. I wouldn't mind dancing to this."

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's boogie!" Fez exclaimed, standing up.

"Why not? Let's go, little buddy!" Kelso agreed before frolicking off with Fez to the dance floor.

"Wait!" Jackie protested. "You can't crash Eric and Donna's first dance!"

Jackie made to stop them when she was stopped by Hyde grabbing her arm.

"Let them go," he said, re-seating himself next to her. "I want to see Donna kick their asses when she realizes they crashed her first dance."

"Ugh, fine," she sighed, giving up.

Sure enough, Donna had soon broken her dance with Eric to go pummel Fez and Kelso.

"Alright, Big Red!" Hyde cheered. "Whoa! She hit him in the nuts!"

Jackie rolled her eyes. "You know, I'm so glad I dumped those two. I can't believe they wanted to go dance together."

Hyde paused. "They do have a strange relationship," he admitted.

"I know. After I broke up with Fez, he said he realized he wasn't the love of my life. I'm beginning to wonder if he actually realized Kelso was the love of his."

Hyde looked at her approvingly. "That's a good burn, Jackie," he said, "…and possibly true."

She shrugged.

"Hey! Look at Forman getting into the fray!"

"Eric hits like a girl," Jackie commented.

"True, but this is freakin' awesome! Fighting during the first dance!"

Jackie watched as Donna strong-armed Kelso off the dance floor. "Donna really looks a lot prettier with red hair," she mused.

Hyde turned away from the fight to give her a strange look. "Jackie, you complimented Donna's appearance. That's almost…nice of you. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, well, it is her wedding day," Jackie said dismissively, "and you can't exactly judge her by my standards. Who could live up to me? But, you know, in her own lumberjack way she looks good."

Hyde rolled his eyes before turning his attention to the disaster on the dance floor. "Awesome! Red's getting in the on action! Check it out! He's actually sticking his foot up Kelso's ass!"

All of a sudden, Jackie thought of something. "Hey, aren't we supposed to be mad at each other? Why the hell are you sitting next to me?"

He looked at her. "Because the chance to see Kelso and Fez get their ass beat outweighs any beef I have with you," he answered. He paused. "But don't go thinking I don't hate you…"

"I won't," she scoffed. "I hate you too."

"Feeling's mutual, then."

They both turned to watch Red finish his ass-sticking ("You dumbasses better keep away from the dance floor or you'll find out how far my foot will really fit up your ass!" Red threatened).

Soon afterwards, Kelso and Fez hobbled their way back to the table, clutching their behinds.

"You two are amazing!" Hyde greeted them, grinning. "You got Red to stick his foot up your asses during Eric and Donna's first dance. I have a whole new appreciation for Dreamweaver now."

"I thought Red was kidding all these years with his foot in the ass threats," Kelso whined as he attempted (and failed) to sit down. "Man, my ass is too sore to sit on!"

"Yes, and what is really unfortunate is that we did not get to finish our dance," Fez added, rubbing his bottom.

"You did have some good moves, little buddy."

"Thank you, Kelso. You also move rather graceful for a tall fellow."

"Thanks. I'm glad somebody appreciates my moves."

"That's because you're the love of his life," Hyde told him.

"Steven," Jackie scolded, hitting him lightly on the arm.

"Man, what are you talking about?" Kelso questioned in confusion.

"I'm talking about Jackie's theory that Fez realized you were the love of his life after she broke up with him."

Kelso looked horror-stricken. "Fez, is that true man? You're in love with me? Not that I blame you. I am a good-looking dude, but seriously, I don't go for other dudes…except for that one time. But nothing happened, and he looked like a chick—""

"Don't be ridiculous, you man-whore," Fez snapped. "You are not the love of my life."

"I'm not?"

"No, though I do find you to be an incredibly attractive man with baby-soft skin," he responded (Jackie and Hyde gave each other a look, Kelso nodded in agreement). "But you are not the love of my life, and I would love to know why Jacqueline is spreading such horrid lies."

"I'm not spreading…Steven, look at the trouble you've gotten me into!" she cried (Hyde grinned). "Fez, I was just talking about the time you said you realized you weren't the love of my life. Steven here must have gotten confused about what I said. No doubt that fro of his addles his brains," she explained.

"Hey!" Hyde yelled (Jackie grinned).

"I understand, a head of hair like that cannot come without a cost," Fez said seriously.

"Hey!" Hyde yelled again (Fez grinned). "Look, man, just clarify things. Why did you realize your weren't the love of Jackie's life if not because of Kelso?"

"Because I'm just not the love of her life."

"That's right. I'm the love of her life," Kelso announced.

"No, you're not," Jackie and Fez said at the same time.

"Burn," Hyde added.

"Man, you guys are mean," Kelso pouted.

"Just speaking the truth. You are not the love of Jackie's life," Fez told him.

"You act like you know who it is," Kelso accused.

"I do," answered a full-of-confidence Fez.

Everyone looked at him.

"Who is it?" Kelso asked impatiently.

"That is something for Jacqueline to figure out and come to terms with."

Jackie's eyes went wide.

"Man, this topic of conversation sucks," Hyde interjected, sounding annoyed. "I think you two should go back out on the dance floor so Red can kick your ass again. What do you think, Jackie?"

"I think I need another Kamikaze," she said.


About an hour and a number of Kamikaze's later…

"Steven, why are you still wearing those stupid sunglasses?" Jackie asked, slurring her words slightly.

"Because I want to."

"But the lights are already dim! Why would you want to make everything darker?"

"Maybe so I don't have to see you in that hideous brown dress."

"Burrrrn!" Kelso butt in.

Ignoring Kelso, "Steven, you drive me crazy."

"Jackie, no one needs to drive you crazy. You're already crazy."

"Burrrrn!" Kelso butt in again.

Ignoring Kelso again, "Steven, you make me want to go all Train Jackie, come out of nowhere, and crash into you so I can knock those damn sunglasses off your face."

Hyde gave her a searching look. "Jackie, how many Kamikazes have you had?"

"Burrrn…oh no wait…that's not a burn, is it?" Kelso asked Fez (who shrugged).

"Hello, everyone!" came an all too cheerful voice. Everyone looked up to see Mrs. Forman. "It's time for the bouquet toss!" she happily announced. "Come along, Jackie dear."

"Go ahead and do it without me, Mrs. Forman. I want to finish my Kamikaze," she mumbled.

"Now I know Jackie's had too many Kamikaze's if she doesn't want to participate in the idiotic superstition known as the bouquet toss," Hyde joked.

"It's not an idiotic superstition. The girl who catches it will be the next to get married," Jackie argued.

"All the more reason for you to put down the alcohol and catch the bouquet," Mrs. Forman reasoned.

"But Mrs. Forman, who the hell am I going to marry? The love of my life?"

"The love of your life would be a good choice, dear."

"That's what I thought," sighed a depressed Jackie. "I might as well finish my Kamikaze…"

"JACKIE BURKHART! GET YOUR CUTE BUTT ON THE DANCE FLOOR FOR THE BOUQUET TOSS NOW!" Mrs. Forman yelled, before getting a hold of herself and laughing rather manically. "Please dear, you don't want to ruin my son's wedding, do you?"

Jackie was gone immediately.


5 minutes and a bouquet toss later…

"Jackie, what the hell was that?" the bride cried, coming up to the table where the gang was assembled.

"Donna? What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy drinking my Kamikaze?" Jacked retorted with attitude.

"I want to know why you ducked the bouquet!" Donna insisted.

"Yeah. Because of you, Laurie caught the bouquet!" complained Eric, joining Donna. "You know she's probably gonna feel up whoever catches the garter."

"I'll have to catch the garter!" exclaimed Fez. "Wait…what's a garter?"

"Donna, I don't know what you're talking about. I did not duck the bouquet," Jackie told her.

"Jackie, it was coming straight at you and you practically threw yourself in the other direction," Donna reasoned.

"You're seeing things," the petite girl accused.

"C'mon, it's not just me," Donna argued. "Guys?"

Fez nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, I saw it. I must say, I was quite impressed with your ducking abilities, Jackie."

"Yeah, you were fast," Kelso added. "It was almost like you had superpowers. Wait…Jackie, you don't have superpowers, do you?"

"See, Jackie? They all saw it!" Donna pronounced in triumph.

"Well, I have been drinking a lot," Jackie pointed out matter-of-factly. "Perhaps this 'duck' you thought you saw was actually a drunken stumble," she offered, taking a gulp of her latest Kamikaze.

"Hyde, what do you think?" Donna asked.

Hyde looked at Jackie through his shades. "Jackie has had a lot to drink…"

"See I told you!" Jackie exclaimed.

"…but she's not drunk yet."

"Huh? Who do you think you are to say I'm not drunk?"

"It's pretty amazing, actually," Hyde said as if he was commenting on a science experiment. "A ninety-five pound chick of abnormally small stature should be passed out with all she's had, but I know drunk and Jackie's not drunk. Her reaction time was way too fast when she ducked to be drunk."

"I did not duck! It was a drunken stumble!"

"It was not a drunken stumble. It was a duck," Hyde combated fervently. "Jackie, I'm an expert on drunken stumbles. You can't lie to me. You ducked. I don't know why. It would make more sense if you did stumble. I thought catching the bouquet and all that wedding crap was the kind of stuff you lived for."

"It's just an idiotic tradition anyway," Donna commented.

"It's not an idiotic tradition!" Jackie disputed, perking up. "You people need to stop saying that! The bouquet toss is real. I guarantee Laurie will be the next to get married. I'm not saying she'll stay married, but she will get married."

"Jackie, if you feel so strongly about it, why did you duck the bouquet?" Donna asked.

Jackie glared at her friend. "You people are all crazy! It was a drunken stumble! Now let me get back to my Kamikaze so I can get drunk enough to satisfy you people!"

Donna sighed and gave up on her current line of questioning. "So guys, why are you all just sitting together at this table? Why don't you go mingle?" she asked.

They all looked at her as if she was stupid.

"Because we're anti-social, Donna," Hyde answered as if it was obvious. "Where've you been? We all spent years hanging out in a basement with just each other. We don't mingle."

Donna shrugged. "I guess you have a point."

Silence fell over the table.

"Donna, your wedding's kind of boring," Jackie rudely remarked.

"Sorry we couldn't satisfy you, Jackie," Eric apologized sarcastically. "We didn't think it was appropriate to put any devil-worshipping activities on our wedding agenda."

"Actually, Forman. She has a point," Hyde interjected.

Eric was aghast. "You're siding with the devil?"

Smirking, "Well, I think I know a way to save your wedding. It involves getting into a circle—"

"We are not doing a circle at my wedding reception, Hyde," Donna asserted.

"Why not?" Kelso asked. "I've got this awesome new lighter we can use," he said, pulling it out of his pocket. "See? It looks like a tank and it lights when you pop the lid open—"

"Kelso, why did you bring a lighter to my wedding? Give it to me. You'll burn down the reception hall," Donna said, trying to swipe the tank lighter.

"I don't think so, Donna," Kelso said, stuffing it back into his pocket.

"You better be careful. If you burn down my wedding reception, I'll kick your ass," she warned.

Silence fell over the table yet again.

"See, Donna? Your wedding is kind of boring," Hyde remarked, mimicking Jackie.

"Told you," Jackie said.

A moment later…

"Oh! It's not boring anymore! The Candy and Mandy show is starting!" Kelso announced with glee, pointing towards the dance floor.

"What?" cried an alarmed Donna.

"Oh, yes! C'mon Candy, shake it!" Fez yelled. "Let's join in the fun, Kelso!" he added as he rushed away from the table.

"Right behind you, little buddy!" Kelso replied, taking off.

"Oh, hell no! There's no Candy and Mandy show at my wedding! C'mon Eric, let's go kick some ass!" Donna hollered, dragging Eric along behind her.

"Now we get to sit back and watch the ass-kicking commence…again," Hyde commented. "This is some wedding, eh Jackie?"

She looked at him. "I think I need another Kamikaze."


An hour and a major ass-kicking later…

Jackie and Hyde were sitting alone at the table.

"Why didn't you want to try and catch the garter?" she asked.

"Didn't want to risk having to get anywhere near Laurie," he answered with a shrug.

She nodded her head in understanding.

"Man, after Red stuck his foot up everyone's ass for the Candy and Mandy show it got boring again," Hyde complained. "I can't believe Donna didn't want to do a circle…"

They watched listlessly as Fez wrestled with Kelso for the garter and won.

Jackie turned to Hyde. "I'll do a circle with you."

"What?"

"I'll do a circle with you. I need a break from Kamikazes."

"Jackie, it's not really a circle with two people."

"Do you want to do one or not?"

Shrugging, "Alright."


10 minutes later…

After making their way through an apparent maze of hallways, they found a "suitable" storage closet to conduct their "circle."

"Steven, it's gross sitting on top of an old, smelly bucket. I don't see why we couldn't do this somewhere furnished," she moaned. "You're lucky this dress is so ugly I don't care if I ruin it."

"Quit complaining, Jackie. You know we can't do this out in the open."

"Yeah, but this place so… dark and dirty. Aren't you ready yet?"

"Almost…and there's nothing wrong with dark and dirty."

"Whatever. Just hurry up and light it already. I want to forget that I'm trapped in this dark, dirty hovel with you."

"Why? Bring back memories?"

"Ugh! No wonder I spent so much time in the circle when I was with you. I was obviously trying forget I was actually with you."

Hyde shot her an annoyed look. "Shut your pie-hole," he ordered.

It wasn't long before he broke out in a mischievous smile…

"It's ready."


15 minutes later…

Jackie and Hyde were sporting shit-faced grins.

"Oh my god! Steven! This is wonderful," she cooed. "I haven't done this in ages. Also, you know what? Kelso was right. I do look like the maid of poop in this dress!"

"What? You don't do circles in New York? What do you do? Squares? Triangles?"

"Nah, I don't do anything," she giggled. "Well, except drink. A lot. Gotta love the New York party scene! Hey, did you know that New York is called The Big Apple? But I haven't seen any big apples anywhere!"

"Man, I can't believe you went so long without the circle. I can't go long at all…In fact, I'm thinking about maybe doing another circle right now. Then I think we should go look for that big apple you were talking about and eat it. I'm feeling kind of hungry."

"Good idea! We should do another circle. Then we can go find that apple…"


20 minutes and another circle later…

Jackie and Hyde were sporting really shit-faced grins.

"Whoa! I haven't spent this long in the circle since…since…I can't remember…" Hyde laughed.

"It's okay…I can't remember much either…I think I remember something about apples. Oh! And trains! Weren't we talking about trains earlier?"

"I think you're right…do you think there is a train somewhere around here with apples?"

"I bet there is a train with apples! We should go find it! I just hope I don't scare all the apples away with my poop dress…"

"Yeah, let's go look for the apple train…soon as all this fog clears up. I can't see you…or your poop dress. Wait a minute…fog?"

Suddenly, a loud beeping sound commenced, forcing them back to reality and out of their circle-induced haze…

"Oh my God! Steven! That's the fire alarm!" Jackie shrieked.

"No kidding, Sherlock," Hyde grumbled. "I didn't even notice there was a smoke detector in here."

"Why didn't you check? Are you stupid?"

"Are you stupid? How come you didn't check?" he retorted. Calming down, "Look, we need to get out of here…"

Getting out was easier said than done in a dark closet with lots of "fog"…which is why the scuffling of feet was followed by a loud CRASH!

"What happened?" Jackie squeaked.

Her question was answered when flames shot up. They'd knocked over what they were smoking!

Hyde sprang into action.

"Jackie, get out of here," he ordered as he grabbed her, opened the door, and threw her out.

A freaked-out Jackie found herself alone in the hallway.

"Steven! What are you doing? Hurry!"

Hyde came running out of the door holding a familiar-looking bag. "Had to get the evidence." He grabbed her arm. "C'mon Jackie, let's move," he demanded as he began pulling her down the hallway until they reached a safe distance.

"Steven, what do we do?" Jackie panted.

Looking around, "I don't see a fire extinguisher…looks like they have overhead sprinklers. Once it gets hot enough, they'll turn on."

"Just here?"

"Nah, they'll probably turn on for the whole building."

Jackie covered her mouth with her hand. "Steven, that's going to ruin the reception!"

"I know," Hyde admitted, looking the least Zen she had ever seen him. "Eric and Donna are never gonna forgive me for this. Red will probably never let me in the house again…"

At that moment, the look on Hyde's face was one of complete and utter devastation.

Jackie felt a knot tie in her stomach (a knot in the form of Steven Hyde). She looked around in despair, desperate for anything that could help…

"Steven!"

"What?"

"What if they don't find out it was us?" she asked, looking down the hallway with a devious gleam in her eye.

"What do you mean? How can they not find out…" He trailed off when he caught her line of sight. "You can't possibly mean…"

Jackie nodded her head.

"Forman was right. You are evil," he said with an awed expression.

Placing a hand on her hip, "So, are you in?"

"Of course," he smirked. "Let's hear the details of this evil plan of yours, baby."

Smiling slightly, Jackie leaned in to whisper in his ear.


5 minutes later…

"Kelso! How could you! You almost burned down the building!" a drenched-in-her-wedding dress Donna screamed.

Disaster had struck. Point Place Hotel appeared to have been hit by an indoor monsoon. The sprinklers were on all over building, soaking the place and everyone in it. The fire in the storage room had quickly burned out, though everything in it was burned to a crisp.

The now soaking wet gang had all assembled at the scene of the crime…including Jackie and Hyde.

"I didn't do it!" Kelso protested.

"Then why were you by the storage room?" Eric asked.

"Because I was attacked and placed there!"

"Michael, who would attack you at a wedding?" Jackie asked, her voiced littered with skepticism.

"I don't know. They attacked me from behind…but I could tell it was someone big and burly," Kelso defended.

Everyone (besides Kelso) exchanged disbelieving looks.

"Look, I was making out with Mandy a bit ago…ask her," he tried.

"We can't. Candy and Mandy didn't like getting wet so they left," Fez answered bitterly. "Fez will have no more Candy and Mandy show tonight because of you and your need to burn things, you selfish sonofabitch."

"I didn't do anything! Tell them, Hyde. You broke up me and Mandy's make-out session and said Jackie wanted to go screw me!"

Both Hyde and Jackie received a number of curious looks following that revelation (Jackie had a look of revulsion).

Hyde shook his head. "No, I told you Jackie wanted you to go screw yourself," he corrected. "She was way mad about the whole Candy and Mandy show. Thought you were making a mockery of Donna's wedding."

"He is!" Donna cried indignantly.

"Whatever, that proves I was innocent!" Kelso shouted.

Hyde shook his head again. "Nah, man. I only talked to you for like a few seconds in passing. Besides, that was a while ago. You had plenty of time to do your little fire and sprinkler show."

Kelso looked more confused than usual. "Look, I'm telling you I didn't do it!"

"What about the lighter Hyde found in the hallway by the closet?" Eric wearily asked.

"That was my tank lighter…but I have no idea how it got there!" Kelso told him. "Why do you all think it was me?"

"Face it, man," Hyde reasoned. "You do have a history of burning things."

"Michael, you set my house on fire," Jackie added.

They all nodded their heads in agreement.

"Kelso, just admit you set the closet on fire," Fez encouraged. "And that because of you everyone has to eat mushy cake," he added bitterly.

Kelso replied with his typical dizzying intellect. "I would if I did, but I didn't! I'm pretty sure I'd know if I did it unless I did it without my knowing, but I think I would know."

Donna shook her head. "Whatever, Kelso. It's fine if you don't want to admit it," she said, sounding disappointed. "C'mon Eric, let's go figure out how to turn the sprinklers off…"

An extremely wet Donna, Eric, and Fez soon disappeared down the hallway…with an outraged Kelso following behind chanting "I didn't do it!" over and over.

"That's one of the only times you'll hear Kelso yelling that sentence," Hyde quipped as he watched them disappear down the hallway, before smiling at Jackie.

Jackie smiled back. "It worked!" she squealed, jumping up and down enthusiastically. "I knew it would!"

Hyde smirked. "That was some evil plan of yours…"


5 minutes ago…

JACKIE'S EVIL PLAN:

MISSION: Have Kelso take the blame for setting the storage room on fire.

FIRST OBJECTIVE: Get Kelso away from his make-out session with Mandy.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Hey, Kelso, can I talk to you for a minute?" Hyde asked.

"Hyde, can't you see I'm busy? Can't we talk later?" Kelso complained, barely coming up for air after practically sucking Mandy's face off.

"It's about Jackie and screwing."

"Mandy, I'll catch up with you later," Kelso said in dismissal.

Hyde smirked as he led Kelso to the end of the hallway. "Jackie wants to screw you," he told him bluntly.

Kelso looked as if Christmas had come early. "Really? That's awesome! When does said screwage occur?"

"Right here. Just stand right here and wait for Jackie," Hyde ordered, pointing to an exact spot. "Do not move from here."

"Sure thing, Hyde."

Hyde patted Kelso on the shoulder and walked off, smirking.

If Kelso had checked his pockets, he would have found something missing.

SECOND OBJECTIVE: Blindly lead Kelso to the scene of the crime and plant evidence.

ACTION TAKEN:

Jackie hid just around the corner of the hallway where Kelso was waiting. She knew she had to wait until the sprinklers went off for the timing to be right.

"Man, I can't believe Jackie wants to screw me!" she heard Kelso whisper excitedly.

Jackie rolled her eyes.

A second later, the sprinklers went off and she sprang into action. She abruptly turned the corner and jumped on Kelso's back.

"What the hell—"

She sprayed him with the bottle of mace she had readily prepared in advance.

"Ow! My Eyes!"

She then ran off like a bat of out hell to Hyde, who was waiting at the scene of the crime (where he'd just planted the tank lighter he'd stolen from Kelso earlier).

"Go get him!" she commanded.

Hyde was off directly.

He soon found a temporarily blinded Kelso wandering the hallways.

"Man, why is it raining indoors?" Kelso complained.

Shaking his head, Hyde grabbed hold of Kelso ("Hey! Go easy on the tux! It's rented!") and pushed him to a closer—though physically safe—area to the scene of the crime.

"Is it Prank Day again and nobody told me?" Kelso stupidly questioned.

Once Kelso was in place, Hyde abandoned his friend and rushed off to meet an anxiously awaiting Jackie at the back exit of the building (conveniently located not far from the scene of the crime).

"Did everything go okay?" she asked as soon as she saw him.

He didn't get to answer as they heard voices coming from the connecting hallway.

"I swear, Eric, I am going to KILL whoever did this!" they heard Donna fume. "Look at me! My wedding dress is soaked!"

THIRD OBJECTIVE: Get the hell away from the scene of the crime and then re-enter as if for the first time.

ACTION TAKEN:

"Let's get the hell away from here," Hyde said, grabbing Jackie's hand and dragging her through the exit.

"We need to re-enter through the front of the building," Jackie whispered as they ran outside. "God, I can't believe we're actually doing this."

"I know," Hyde scoffed. "This is way more planned out than my usual felonies…"

Once they made it to the front of the building, Jackie made to enter when Hyde pulled her back…

"I think I hear someone…" he whispered, pulling her into an alcove.

"Mandy, I can't believe it started raining in the building. I can't put a show on in such conditions!" a female voice whined.

"At least that pervy foreign guy didn't abandon you to go screw some other girl, Candy."

Once the two stars of the Candy and Mandy show were out of earshot, Jackie and Hyde came out of their hiding place.

"That will make things easier. Kelso's only possible alibi just left," Hyde smirked. "C'mon Jackie, we have a crime scene to discover," he announced as he grabbed her hand once again and re-entered the building.

30 seconds later…

They approached the scene of the crime where Eric, Donna, and Fez had already gathered.

"KELSO! WHAT DID YOU DO?" they heard Donna yell.

"Hope you've brushed up on you acting skills," Hyde whispered.

"Don't worry about me, worry about yourself," Jackie insisted.

"Alright then, let's do this."

"What the hell's going on, man?" Hyde asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

"Donna, why are there sprinklers on? My hair has gone completely flat! The three hours I spent on it this morning is now completely wasted!" Jackie bitched convincingly (earning a sly wink from Hyde).

"I don't know, Jackie. You'll have to ask Kelso here!" Donna angrily answered.

"It appears this storage room was set on fire somehow," Eric explained to Jackie and Hyde in a would-be calm voice.

"Yes, and we found Kelso just down the hallway," Fez added.

"Guys, I didn't do it!" Kelso insisted.

"Then who did it?" Donna seethed.

"How should I know? All I know is I didn't do it and you can't prove that I did!"

"Hey, isn't that the lighter you were showing off earlier?" Hyde pointed out, right on cue.

The lighter was lying a short ways away from the burned doorway.

Donna looked like she was going to blow.

"Kelso! How could you! You almost burned down the building!" she screamed.


Hyde looked at Jackie in unveiled admiration. "You know, Jackie. In a way, you did screw Kelso."

"I know! My plan went perfectly!" Jackie gushed. "Everybody thinks Michael did it!"

Hyde paused, seemingly in thought. "Don't you feel bad at all about what we did to Kelso? He is our friend."

Jackie mulled over his question for all of a second before replying a resounding "No."

"Yeah, neither do I," chuckled Hyde, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I kind of feel like I should, but I really don't."

"The way I look at it, we have no reason to feel bad," Jackie said with conviction. "Michael would have done the same thing to us if he was smart enough, which he's not, but that's not the point," she babbled. "The point is he wouldn't feel guilty. He'd think it was the ultimate burn or something."

"That's true. He wouldn't feel guilty," Hyde agreed. Then with a mischievous smile he added, "Oh, and this is the ultimate burn."

"Yeah, we totally ruined Eric and Donna's wedding reception and Michael took all the blame," Jackie laughed. "God, we are so badass. Too bad we can't tell anybody."

"No, it's better this way. This way anytime anyone talks about how Kelso ruined Eric and Donna's wedding reception, we'll have the private satisfaction of knowing how everyone else's burns pale in comparison to our evil genius."

"You know what, Steven? You're right."

"Of course I am. You know Kelso's never going to live this down. This will be the burn that keeps on giving," Hyde said. Then thoughtfully, "Everyone's gonna be pissed at Kelso. I wonder if Red will stick his foot in his ass again…"

"It doesn't matter. They won't stay pissed at Michael for long," Jackie commented. "That's why I don't feel guilty. Everyone's gonna forgive Michael because he's so stupid. Michael is like a puppy that pees on the carpet. You can't stay mad at him because he doesn't know any better."

Hyde looked at her in surprise. "Jackie, that's a surprisingly accurate depiction of Kelso."

"Of course it is. Just because I'm extremely beautiful doesn't mean I'm not extremely clever," Jackie retorted.

"Don't forget extremely vain," Hyde added. Then, shrugging, "Though I will concede that your evil plan tonight was…okay."

"Please. My plan to frame Michael was nothing short of brilliant," she boasted. "Michael didn't even realize I was the one who attacked him. It's just lucky I always carry mace with me…"

"You always carry mace with you? Really?" Hyde questioned, sounding intrigued.

"Yeah, ever since you bought it for me when I left Point Place…"

Jackie clapped her hand over her mouth when she realized what she'd revealed. Removing her hand and trying to act natural, "Well, New York is a dangerous place. You never know when you'll run into dangerous situations…"

"And I suppose you were expecting dangerous situations at Forman and Donna's wedding?" a smug Hyde pried.

"Well, there was a dangerous situation…at least for Michael," she defended. Not liking the smug look she was getting, she decided a change of topic was in order. "Speaking of Eric and Donna…where the hell are they? I thought they said they were gonna turn off the sprinklers! My make-up has to be completely ruined by now!"

"Calm down. You know Eric and Donna aren't the most capable couple around. I give them at least another ten minutes of figuring before Red steps in and does the job for them," Hyde told her, "and yeah, your make-up is completely ruined."

"Steven!" she scolded, annoyed. "At least I don't look as ridiculous as you. Why are you wearing sunglasses when there's water pouring down? How can you see?"

Folding his arms, "I see better than Kelso after you maced him with that totally badass gift I got you that you always carry with you."

"Ugh!" she cried, throwing her hands up. "I can't deal with you! I'm going to go get a Kamikaze and find out what Eric and Donna's mental handicap is regarding the sprinklers…"

She turned from him in a huff and walked away.


2 hours later…

Jackie took a sip of her drink as she stood off to the side, observing Eric and Donna going to town on the dance floor.

After Red had come the rescue and turned off the sprinkler system ("How are you dumbasses going to go through life if you can't even figure out how to turn off some water?" he'd asked Eric and Donna), the celebration had commenced…albeit in a much less dry fashion.

Everything was wet. The floor, the tables, the cake ("You know, mushy cake really isn't that bad," Fez commented), the people…everything.

But none of that mattered…

Eric and Donna had refused to let a small fire and a lot of water dampen their day. And so, the DJ had resumed playing music and many guests had taken their shoes off and started going to town on the dance floor.

Jackie watched with a wistful expression.

"What sort of evil plan are you concocting now?" Hyde asked from behind her.

She jumped, startled. "Steven!" she cried, barely avoiding spilling her drink.

Hyde smirked at her.

"I'm not planning anything," she snapped. Motioning towards the dance floor, "I'm just watching Eric and Donna embarrass themselves dancing. Donna's doing some weird stomping with those overly-large feet of hers, and Eric looks like he might accidentally kill someone with his hand movements."

Hyde gave her an exasperated expression. "Not everyone is as socially conformist as you and aspires to be labeled the Disco Queen of Point Place. Seriously, Jackie, do you always have to put down—"

"It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Hyde's jaw dropped. "I'm sorry. I think I heard you wrong…"

"I said it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"I don't understand. I know I gave you a hard time, but even I can see Forman and Donna aren't exactly poetry in motion—"

"It doesn't matter," she cut off in a decisive tone. Fixing her eyes on the newly married couple, "It's not about their horrendous dancing, Steven," she resumed in an almost gentle tone. "Look at how happy they are despite their rhythmic handicaps. Can't you see the way they look at each other? That's love. That's real, true love. They're the love of each other's lives…and you can see it all right there."

Hyde quietly observed Eric and Donna before taking off his sunglasses and turning to Jackie, who was still looking ahead.

"You're right. I can see it," he whispered.

She didn't take her eyes off the dance floor for some time. Suddenly, "You might be right about me coming out of nowhere and crashing into people, Steven. Look at the havoc I wreaked tonight…"

Hyde seemed taken aback by her melancholy statement. "Jackie, I—"

"WET T-SHIRT PARTY EVERYBODY!" Kelso announced as he approached Jackie and Hyde. "Hey, Jackie!" he called, "You should participate. You look HOT wet!"

"I'm not a whore, Michael! I don't participate in wet t-shirt contests!" she hollered back. Getting a hold of herself, "Although, you're right. I do look hot wet. Especially now, since the water makes this ugly brown dress look black—"

"THERE'S THE DUMBASS WHO STARTED A RAINSTORM AT MY SON'S RECEPTION!" came the loud, booming voice of Red Forman as he marched up and grabbed Kelso by the scruff of the neck. "How many times do I have to stick my foot up your ass today until you quit behaving like a dumbass?"

"I don't know. How many? Wait…Is this a trick question?" Kelso asked as he was carted off by Red.

"Alright! Another Red Forman foot-in-the-ass show!" Hyde chuckled.

Jackie shrugged. "Beats the Candy and Mandy show…"

They then proceeded to watch the Red Forman foot-in-the-ass show with morbid fascination…

"Whoa! He wasn't lying when he said he could stick his foot up higher!" Hyde said in awe.

A moment later, he turned away and said, "Jackie, sometimes wreaking havoc isn't a bad thing." Glancing up to see Red chasing Kelso with a chair, "In fact, sometimes it's a great thing…especially when it leads to ass-kicking."

"It's the Kamikaze's," Jackie stated flippantly. "They make me badass."

Hyde gave her an approving nod and opened his mouth to say something when ABBA's Dancing Queen came blasting form the DJ booth.

"Oh my God! I love this song!" Jackie squealed in glee.

"I can't believe Eric and Donna allowed disco," Hyde grumbled.

"What the hell are Fez and Laurie doing? That's not the way you dance to this song!" Jackie bitched as she watched Fez and Laurie getting down and dirty on the dance floor. "Steven, hold my Kamikaze," she ordered, shoving her drink at him. "I need to go show these morons how disco is done!"

Jackie then marched off without a backwards glance…

…leaving Hyde to shrug and say "To the Disco Queen of Point Place" before downing her Kamikaze.

***END FLASHBACK***


"Did you hear what I said? Jackie? Are you there? Jackie? JACKIE!!!!!!"

Jackie was startled from her recollections of Donna's reception by the Amazon woman's loud, manly voice on the other end of the phone.

Putting the phone to her ear, "Oh my God! Donna! I'm sorry," she apologized. "I was busy thinking about more important things related to me. What were you saying?"

She heard Donna sigh with impatience. "I was saying you were right. My wedding reception was a disaster, but that wasn't your fault. Kelso was the one who burned and flooded the place…and actually it turned out to be a lot of fun. Who knew dancing barefoot in a soaked wedding dress would be such a blast?"

Jackie was glad Donna couldn't see her shift uncomfortably. "Well, if anyone's barbaric enough to enjoy it, it's you," she replied, hiding any unease she felt.

"Hey! If I recall correctly, you were having a pretty good time on the dance floor yourself. Just admit it, my wedding totally rocked."

"I admit that wedding totally suited you and Eric, but if that was my wedding, I'd still be in therapy. I am glad Point Place Hotel's reception hall was trashed though. That place was just tacky."

"Fine, you don't have to admit my wedding was like the best wedding ever. I already know my wedding was the best ever," Donna joked. "I mean, how often do you get to see Hyde dance to disco? I still can't believe he did that…"

"Yeah, he claimed he had some weird reaction to the Kamikaze he drank. Served him right. He was supposed to be holding that for me!" Jackie stated. "You know, I hope Steven and I can get along this Christmas…"

"You two seemed to get along alright when you were discoing away at my wedding" came Donna's teasing voice.

"Ugh! I know, but he's so confusing. I never know how he's going to be. One minute he's a complete ass and the next he's…he's…not a complete ass."

"That's a typical man for you."

"Whatever," Jackie said dismissively. "I'm just glad I'm not dating Steven anymore. He drove me crazy. He didn't know how to be real boyfriend. Not like Rick. My Rick is so wonderful…"

Donna groaned. "Oh God, I don't have to listen to another 'Rick is wonderful' rant, do I? I mean, I've never met the guy but from everything you say it sounds like the man should be up for sainthood."

"I can't help it if my boyfriend is like totally perfect and I want to talk about him!" Jackie retorted. "Besides, I listen to you bitch about Eric's Star Wars conventions. It's only fair you listen to me. And you'll get to meet Rick soon. I promise you'll love him."

"If he's half as wonderful as you say he is, I'm sure I will."

"Yes, you will, but you can't have him. He's my man."

"Please. I have Eric, remember?" Donna scoffed.

"Yeah, but he hardly counts as a man. Once you meet Rick, you'll realize I wasn't exaggerating on the wonderful scale," she told her. She then went into a dream-like trance. "Rick's the type of guy I've always imagined being with. He's sweet, understanding, good-looking—"

"Rich," Donna coughed into the phone.

Jackie continued as if she hadn't heard her. "He's everything I ever wanted and more. He's like a real-life Prince Charming except with an Aston Martin instead of a white horse. Which is why I am moving in with him—"

"Whoa!" Donna broke in, "You're actually going through with that? I thought you were still thinking about it…"

"No, I decided a few days ago I'd move in with him. I mean, after he first asked me I thought maybe it was too fast, but then I thought…we've been dating for two and a half years, who was I kidding? I'm actually packing my boxes now. I'm moving as soon as I get back from Point Place."

"Wow…you really are serious about this guy. I wasn't sure before since…well, since you haven't ever brought up some manipulative scheme to try to trick him into marrying you," Donna admitted.

"Yeah, well, I don't do that anymore. I don't want to be Train Jackie and wreak havoc," Jackie explained unsatisfactorily to her friend.

"Huh? Train Jackie? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Never mind, Donna. All you need to know is I've decided Rick is the one."

"You've decided?"

"Yeah. I've thought about it, and he's so wonderful I don't see how he couldn't be the one. So, I've just gone ahead and decided he's the one."

"Uh…alright, then" was Donna's none-too-prolific response.

Jackie was annoyed with her friend's response…or lack of a response. "That's all you have to say? I tell you I've decided Rick is the one and you aren't excited or anything for me?"

"Sorry…uh…WooHoo!" Donna tried lamely.

"Whatever, Donna. I'm going back to packing. You should go and practice your acting skills because they suck," Jackie said dismissively before hanging up on Donna.

Jackie frowned. Donna should have been happier for her. A good friend would have lied and faked enthusiasm no matter how they felt.


2 hours later…

Still Jackie's Apartment

Moving sucks, Jackie decided. How the hell had she accumulated so much stuff? She'd been packing for hours and she wasn't even half done…

"I miss Fez," she whined as she started stuffing her high-heels into a box. "I need a new foreign friend to do manual labor for me."

Jackie's mood got worse and worse as she packed. She loved getting stuff…particularly shiny, sparkly stuff, but she hated sorting through said stuff.

Her mood brightened considerably upon the entrance of her wonderful boyfriend, Rick. How could it not? Rick was tall, dark, and handsome. She could just stare at him all day.

"Hey, gorgeous," he greeted as he elegantly swept through the room and gave her a kiss. "How's the packing going?"

She pouted, sticking her bottom lip out in a hopefully cute way. "Awful! It's taking forever! I had to cancel a hair appointment, and you know I have to go tape later. I'm going to look terrible on-camera."

He smiled sweetly at her. "Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't look awful if you tried."

"That's true."

"See? No worries," he comforted. "Besides, I got you something that might make you feel better…"

Jackie's eyes lit up. "You got me a present? Where? Is it shiny and sparkly?"

"Both," Rick chuckled, handing her a small box wrapped in pink paper.

She quickly tore off the wrappings and opened the box. Inside was a gold keychain with "Jackie" scripted on it in diamonds.

"Oh my gosh! My name is written in diamonds! I love it!" she squealed.

He smiled and pulled a couple keys out of his pocket. "You can use this to hold these…the keys to our apartment."

She smiled back at him. "Thank you. It's wonderful…you're wonderful. Everything is wonderful…"

She paused.

"Except for the packing," she corrected. "The packing is not wonderful."

Rick surveyed the disarray. "Will it be wonderful if I help you?"

"Yes! That would be wonderful!" she cheered, giving him a kiss on the cheek before going into bossy-Jackie mode. "Start over there with the records and make sure you don't pack them flat. When you're done with that you can help me with the second load of my shoes."

Rick shook his head but went to do as he was told. "You do have a lot of stuff, don't you?"

"Tell me about it. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's almost…too much." She shuddered after saying the words.

"Does that mean you want me to stop buying you presents?" he teased.

"Of course not!" she protested loudly.

He grinned at her.

Packing was exhausting work. To her horror, Jackie found she was beginning to "glisten" (Pretty girls don't sweat). At least they had managed to get her record collection and most of her accessories packed.

"Jackie!" Rick called, coming out of her room. "I always knew you were a closet Led Zeppelin fan!" he said, holding up an old, used Led Zeppelin t-shirt.

Jackie gasped in shock. "W-Where did you find that?"

"It was way, way in the back of your closet."

Crap. He wasn't supposed to go back there.

Now she was "glistening" more than before. "That's because I don't wear ugly, baggy shirts like that," she explained. "Someone gave that to me once and I felt bad so I took it. Thought maybe I could use it as a cleaning rag. I am not a Led Zeppelin fan."

Rick seemed amused at her denial. "Then how do you explain all the Led Zeppelin albums I packed? You had the whole collection."

"Uh…"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice the records you had hiding conspicuously on the floor behind your unicorn figurines? Don't worry, I packed them with your other albums."

Damn him. He loved to tease. "I don't know to what you're referring," she replied airily.

"Really? Should I go re-open the box?"

"No, no. That won't be necessary…and give me that shirt," she said, grabbing it off him. "I'll just start a new box…the 'Ugly shirts of bands I don't like' box…"


4 hours later…

New York City, New York

WNBC News Studio

"This is Jacqueline Burkhart, reporting for WNBC News' Consumer Corner," Jackie said, smiling brightly into the camera. "This week I have the distinct…pleasure of reviewing the Chia Pet."

God, this segment is going to be stupid…

She picked up the Chia Pet in an exaggerated fashion to show the viewing audience. "Now this is what the Chia Pet looks like when you buy it—an ugly green-brown animal with holes in it. This is supposed to be a ram…Why anyone would bother to make a ram figurine is beyond me—"

"Ahem" she heard a producer cough from the side.

"—What I mean is they've recently come out with some new Chia Pets, including a puppy and a kitten," she continued with mock-enthusiasm. "So, if you want something that's not completely hideous, I suggest you go with those."

"Ahem."

"Right. So, the whole point of the Chia pet is to water it for several days to make this green weed-thingy grow out of it so it looks like this." She picked up a fully grown Chia Pet to show the audience.

This has to be the dumbest product ever…

"As far as if I can recommend this product…I would have to say no. I mean, the thing is ugly to begin with, but it becomes really ugly when the weird sprouts come out of it. And why are there sprouts popping out of animal figurines anyway? It so doesn't make sense—"

"Ahem" that annoying producer coughed again. Couldn't she just chill?

"—Bottom line…if you want something really weird and ugly that's bound to clash with the décor in your home, then this is the product for you. If you are a person with a shred of decent taste, however, don't buy this product. I would suggest Swarovski Crystal for home decoration—"

"AHEM."

"—So, that's this week's Consumer Corner. This is Jacqueline Burkhart for WNBC News signing off."

"CUT!" the annoying coughing woman yelled.

Jackie immediately went to go thank the crew. "Thanks for making me look so good, Andy," she told the camera guy. "I know you'll all miss me next week because I'm going home for the holidays, but you'll just have to—"

"Miss Burkhart, can I see you for a moment?"

It was the producer woman who kept hacking up her lungs.

Great.

"What would you like to talk to me about, Ms. Burns?" Jackie asked in a falsely sweet voice.

Victoria Burns was a tall, blonde woman who Jackie might consider attractive if she wasn't such a bitch.

"Miss Burkhart, what have I told you about interjecting your personal opinion into the piece?"

"But it's a consumer report segment. That's what it's all about!"

"It's about introducing the product. Nobody cares that much about what a ditzy little brunette has to say about—"

"You're just mad because I'm prettier than you and you can't fire me," Jackie accused.

"I can fire you—"

"No, you can't. The studio heads love me because the ratings of Consumer Corner have shot through the roof since I started. In fact, you're probably trying to make it boring so I'll get fired."

Victoria Burns looked distinctly uncomfortable. "That's not the case."

Jackie folded her arms smugly. "I'm pretty sure it is the case."

"Whatever. I don't have time for this," the flustered woman said. "By the way, you're hair is looking a bit flat today. Make sure you go to the salon before you tape next time," she added before walking away.

"God, that woman's a bigger bitch than I am," Jackie mumbled. "It'll be nice going back to Point Place where I'm the biggest bitch."


Saturday, December 22, 1984

New York City, New York

JFK Airport

"FLIGHT 278 TO KENOSHA REGIONAL AIRPORT IS NOW BOARDING…"

"That's me," grumbled Jackie.

Nothing was turning out right for Jackie.

First, her hair was unusually flat and listless no matter what she did with it.

Then, her maid had carelessly wrinkled the well-chosen outfit she had spent over four hours picking out for this very occasion, forcing her to chose what she felt was an inferior outfit in an unreasonably short amount of time (only two hours).

Additionally, she was horrified to discover she didn't own a pair of shoes that matched the exact shade of red of her top and she therefore had to settle for a pair of non-matching red high-heels. She loved these particular shoes, but still

Operation Dress to Impress had gone up in flames. If this wasn't a sign that her trip back to Point Place was headed towards disaster, she didn't know what was.

And just when she thought things couldn't get any worse—Rick, her wonderful boyfriend, informed her he was not coming with her back to Point Place as planned. It seemed a business emergency popped up—and no matter how wonderful he might be—the crisis was too important for him to ignore in favor of going with her.

How anything short of world destruction could be more important than her, she didn't pretend to understand. But one thing seemed abundantly clear…

Her trip to Point Place was doomed.

Turning towards said wonderful boyfriend, Rick, "Thanks for taking me to the gate. Are you sure you can't come with me today?"

"Sweetheart, I wish I could come with you today. Of all times for a business emergency…" He paused, putting his hand under her chin. "But cheer up. I'll be in Point Place on Christmas Eve. It's only two days."

"I know. I just have a weird feeling about this trip. I wanted you there with me."

"It'll be alright," he comforted.

It'll be alright? Didn't he understand her current fashion crisis was a precursor to worse things to come?

"LAST CALL FOR FLIGHT 278 TO KENOSHA REGIONAL AIRPORT…"

"You better go," Rick told her.

"I know," she said, throwing her arms around him and giving him a quick kiss. "I'll miss you."

"See you in two days," he said in parting.

She nodded her head and turned towards the gate…

This was it. She was going back to Point Place. Why was she so nervous? It was only for the holidays…then everything would be back to normal.

So, why did she feel like everything was about to change?

Shaking her head free of such thoughts, she tried to be positive.

Her slightly less-than-perfect fashion didn't mean anything. She was Jackie Burkhart. No matter what she was wearing, she was still hot.

Her renewed positivity lasted all of twenty seconds…after which the heel of her left shoe broke as she entered the gate.

It was official. Her trip to Point Place was doomed.

And with a distinct feeling of dread looming over her fashionably-handicapped self, she lifted her broken-heeled shoe and hobbled her way onto the plane.


Coming Up in Chapter 3: Christmas is just around the corner and the gang discusses Jackie's arrival with her boyfriend—much to Hyde's chagrin. Plus, Hyde remembers the disaster that was Thanksgiving 1983…the last time he and Jackie met.

A/N: Super duper thanks to everyone who read/reviewed chapter 1. For everyone who reviewed—I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far! That means a lot to me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you're wondering why that lip-lock at the end of chapter 1 wasn't addressed, let's just say that will be dealt with later. And for those who want to know—this story will span 12 chapters.

Thanks for Reading! Reviews are appreciated!