TWO WEEKS LATER…

"Aragorn? What is that horrible smell?" Arwen questioned as she came into their master bedroom.

"Uhhh what smell? I don't smell anything…" He lied, shoving the bottle of Balrog Breath under the bed.

"Really? You can't smell that?"

"Nope not a thing." She walked over to him and took a whiff, then ran for the bathroom. A few retching sounds followed, then water running. She came back out looking very pale and with a handkerchief soaked in lavender over her nose.

"When was the last time you had a shower?"

"Uhhh, yesterday?"

"Oh, then I guess it must be something in here. Maybe it's a dead rat. See if you can find it." She went poking around under the rug and tables, but he returned to The Minas Tirith Times he was reading. Then to his horror, she began looking under the bed.

"Oh honey I doubt it's…" Too late, she had discovered the bottle.

"What is this? Balrog Breath Orc Cologne? Where did this come from?"

"Uhhh, I don't know…" he lied sheepishly.

"Yes you do, come on, out with it!" her eyes flashed with fire and he knew that look, the game was up.

"Fine! It was to get rid of the Mary Sues! It makes them think I'm 'un-hot' and stuff.! It was Legolas's idea!" He cried in surrender.

"Who is this 'Mary Sue person'? Have you been seeing someone else?" She said aghast. It then occurred to Aragorn that he had foolishly never explained to his wife about MS's. He knew that if she got away with the wrong idea and word got around to Elrond, his father-in-law would have his head on a platter.

"No! No! Of course not! Their fangirls! That type of thing!" He tried to explain, but Arwen was not convinced.

"She's why you're gone so much isn't she! You're not away on business! I can't believe you!" She cried, bursting into tears. "How could you do this to me?"

"Honey I'm not seeing anyone but you! I swear!" he tried to hug her.

"No! Stay away! I gave up Valinor for this? What a fool I am! I'm leaving!" And she ran out the door sobbing hysterically.

"Great! Just Great!" He muttered. He rummaged through a drawer until he found his Palantir. He dialed in Gandalf's number and waited while it rang three or four times.

"Hello?" the old wizard said, his face appearing on the screen.

"Hey Gandalf, it's Aragorn. I uh, need some help."

"With what?" He asked smoothly, puffing on his pipe.

"Arwen…"

"Oh, no don't even get me started on women! Once I knew this girl, real sweet talker, got me into this whole mess where I ended up having to pay 10,000 barrels of long bottom weed to cover a fire-works store she blew up. Then there was this other time…"

"GANDALF!" Aragorn shouted. He stopped in mid sentence and blinked at Aragorn. "Just let me explain…" and he spilled the whole story. "Is there any way I can convince her I'm NOT having an affair? And can you call her to see where she is? She won't take a call from me, that's for sure."

"Well, really you should have told her about the MS problem long ago, but that's your affair. Not mine."

"Then you'll call her?"

"I'll see what I can do…"

"Thanks Gandalf, I owe you one." And he hung up.

LATER

The Palantir rang and Aragorn scrambled to answer it, nearly knocking over a lamp, a vase and a candlestick.

"Hello? How did it go?" he said anxiously.

"Oh, everything is fine. She calmed down when I explained it all to her, but she says she's not coming back until you get rid of the cologne."

"Well, where exactly is she?"

" She's in Rohan staying with Eowyn and Lothriel. Took a flight over there a few minutes after she left."

"Well how am I supposed to get rid of the MS's with out it?"

"You'll have to figure this one out on your own I'm afraid. Farewell." And Gandalf hung up. Sighing, Aragorn hung up and replaced the Palantir back in it's drawer. Then he went off to find Legolas. He found him sitting outside, reading a book.

"Legolas we have a problem…" Legolas looked up, and Aragorn gasped. The Elf's usually flawless face had become all swollen and puffy and he had a fat lip. "What happened to you?"

"Let's just say that I had an allergic reaction to the cologne and your housekeeper thought I was an orc."

"Oh…I'm not much better, Arwen found my stash and thought I was having an affair and so now she's in Rohan and won't leave until I get rid of it."

"Having an affair?"

"I never really explained to her what an MS was, I just told her I was 'away on business.'"

"That wasn't smart…"

"I know, don't remind me." Just then Legolas's ipalantir rang.

"Oh, hey it's from the Hobbits." He hit a button and what he thought were several orcs appeared on the screen.

"Hey, where are the hobbits?"

"We are the hobbits! Where's Legolas?" the four little orcs said.

"I'm right here with Aragorn, I had an allergic reaction to the Balrog Breath Cologne. What happened to you guys?"

"Apparently hobbits can over eat, we've each gained about 50 pounds and we haven't bathed in 2 weeks. Does that answer your question?"

"Well, did it work though?" Legolas asked. Shocked at the hobbit's appearance.

" Yes, but we can't go on like this. I've already written my will." Frodo said. "I'm so far gone I even left the rest of the silver table-wear to Lobelia!"

"Well what about your wives?" Aragorn asked Sam, Merry and Pippin.

"Fortunately they're on vacation with the kids, but they get back in a week. How did Arwen take this?" Sam asked.

"She thought I was having an affair and so now she's in Rohan staying with Eowyn."

"I almost think having the MS's was better than this. I'm so covered in dirt I can't feel my toes!" Merry complained, holding his foot up for them to see. It was covered in so much dirt it didn't even look like a foot anymore, just a pile of mud.

"That's it! I'm going to take a shower!" Pippin cried and he disappeared off the screen. Merry fallowed, then Sam and Frodo both announced they were done with the whole plan and disappeared. Legolas slammed the ipalantir down and looked up at Aragorn.

"I have to agree with them. This was a stupid idea." And he walked off to find the nearest lake, having officially been thrown out of the palace by the angry housekeeper. Aragorn stood in the courtyard, thinking seriously about the whole thing. Then finally he had an idea and he went to call Gandalf.

THREE DAYS LATER…

Aragorn heard the doorbell ring and ran to answer it. The postman stood at the doorway, holding two boxes, one long and tall box, and the other rather short.

"Uhh, is this the Estel residence?"

"Yes," Aragorn replied, overjoyed, "where do I sign?" A clipboard was handed to him and he scribbled his signature.

"Thank you sir, have a nice day." And the postman left. Aragorn excitedly ripped open the taller package and yelled for Legolas, who came running. Fortunately his face had returned to normal and he was brushing his hair when he came in.

"Their here! They're finally here! Ha! Look at this!" and he held up a life-size cardboard cutout of himself. "Here's yours!" and he pulled out a life size Legolas.

"Where did you get them?"

"Gandalf made them for me! Now all we have to do is set them up and the MS's will never know the difference! I'm a genius! Ha ha ha!" and he went dancing gleefully around the palace entryway.

"Wow, he really did figure a good plan out!" Legolas said, admiring himself. "OK, Aragorn, dude, like kill the dancing…"

"Oh, sorry, but now Arwen can come back, the hobbits will return to normal and no more puffy face elves! YAY!"

Aragorn shipped the hobbits their cutouts and all was happy in Gondor and Hobbiton again. It took the Hobbits a little while to loose the weight and Legolas made sure he still avoided the housekeeper but it all worked out. Arwen returned from Rohan and forgave Aragorn, though she still said she could smell the cologne a little, even though he had had the carpet cleaned….