DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Smash Bros. or any of its characters.


Our stay on the Mushroom World was short and pointless. Honestly, I was only halfway paying attention – well, considering my ability to absorb a vast amount of information, it was still a million times more attention than most people pay. My point is that I knew exactly how this was going to end, and all I could do was watch with a sort of detached frustration. I tried to tell Manny how stupid he was being, but I call him stupid so often that he had learned to just tune it out. I suppose there's a lesson in there. I'm the boy who cried "dumbass".

To simplify: Manny found a Toad, who told him where he could find Luigi, who didn't know where Weegee was but did know that Waluigi knew, so that's where he sent us, and Waluigi told us what we wanted to know. The whole process took about two days. During that time, I spent most of my processing power putting together my philosophy book, I Am Not Error: A Response to Hylian Existentialism.

When Manny explained his goal, the Toad, Luigi, and Waluigi all reacted the same way: "What are you, crazy?" To which Manny always replied: "No, I'm Manny." Well, he said that to the Toad and to Luigi; I told him that if he did it a third time I'd revoke his Tetris privileges.

It all ended atop a field of the Mushroom Kingdom's famous, sky-high, polka-dot mushrooms. It was night, and the clouded sky threatened to rain at any moment. Despite this, Manny wore the special reflective sunglasses I'd given him. Nothing happened for a while, and he began to suspect a false lead. But then lightning struck. And there, on the horizon, we saw him, lit up for a split-second by the lightning.

Fools like Manny always think they can avoid his infamous gaze. They're always wrong.

Manny was lucky. The gaze lasted only a fraction of a second, from a great distance, in very dark conditions. And he had his sunglasses. None of that was enough. I hoped it would be, for a few seconds, since he wasn't doing anything. But then he looked around, looked at his arms, and spoke to me. "Dexter, cut off my arms! There's yogurt in there and it's just dying to come out!" That's when I knew it was time to retreat.

When the next lightning bolt struck, Weegee was already gone, back to whatever wretched netherworld had spawned him. Sadly, it didn't matter; by then, Manny had completely lost it. I only got him back to the ship by convincing him that it was filled with salami, which he told me he needed "to feed the people".

)(

It took all of my robotic bodies to restrain Manny, and only after calming him with a series of increasingly surreal and deranged lies. Eventually, I managed to cuff his legs and upper arms; he kept himself occupied by using the screen in front of him with his lower arms. He could have escaped were he in his right mind, and my aunt could have been my uncle if she were male; but I don't have an aunt and Manny doesn't have a brain.

So there I was, in orbit above the Mushroom World, forced to take care of a mad, rambling Machamp, who was tied to the chair and doing online searches of Girafarig in underpants for some reason. Times like these made me long for those days as a piece of equipment in Professor Oak's laboratory. Nobody knew I was alive, which meant I didn't have to do anything or care what happened to anyone. Also, since I was a supposedly non-sentient Pokédex, people said whatever they wanted around me. You wouldn't believe the things sweet old Oak says when he thinks no one's listening. Maybe someday I'll use the recordings to blackmail the dirty old coot. Not that I want anything from him. I just hate people and love watching them suffer.

Speaking of hating people, taking care of Weegeefied Manny was not fun. The only relief came about twelve hours in. That's when Samus called.

To mess with her, I answered in the Space Pirate tongue, using a voice I meshed together from a bunch of Space Pirates sound clips. "It's the Hunter! Quickly – gather the hostages!"

"WHAT?"

"Nah, I'm kidding. It's me, Dexter."

"Good God, Dexter, not funny."

"Fine, fine. Such a sensitive species." Samus was more than a little shaken up, so maybe it was a mean joke. But I didn't care because – I think I've gone over this already – I hate everyone. "You haven't called in some time. What's the occasion?"

"Is Manny there?"

"He's not all there."

"What?"

"Two semi-important things happened since we last met. One: I wrote a book. It turned out okay. Two: Manny got hit by a Weegee Stare and went stark raving mad."

"What?"

"Look for yourself." I put the camera on him. He was furiously tinkering with the screen. "Manny, tell Samus what you're doing."

"I am now unraveling a vast conspiracy!" Manny declared. "Yes, a conspiracy, for why else would 'Pikmin' sound so much like 'Pokémon'? It's no coincidence! Someone powerful is pulling the strings! Yes, someone powerful – someone manly, with glistening muscles and a glorious mind and probably four arms… Wait a moment – Dexter, what if I'm…"

These rants had a tendency to never end, so I blocked out Manny's voice for Samus's sake. "And that's what I've had to put up with for the past twelve hours."

"What the hell happened?"

I told her what the hell happened.

"Manny tried to take on Weegee? On his own? What is he, crazy?"

"Well, he is now. Don't worry too much, though. With the proper care, he should come back to his senses within the next twelve hours. He was lucky. The stare was brief and filtered."

"This is exactly the kind of thing I was worried about," said Samus. "I called to check up on you two because… for one thing, Manny acted a little odd the last time we met. Even ignoring that, though, I knew he'd been having trouble and wondered what that kind of stress might be doing to him. I guess I have my answer."

"Every failure only makes him more stubborn, which makes him more likely to fail again," I said. "That cycle will ruin him. But he won't listen to me, so he almost certainly won't listen to you either. I don't know what to do about him, and I was designed to solve problems far more complex than your primitive mind could comprehend."

"Actually, my primitive mind does have some ideas…"

)(

I had told Samus that Manny would be fine within twelve hours. His recovery began about twelve hours and 21.6 seconds after I said that. Those 21.6 seconds punctured a gaping wound in my ego, but I recovered somehow.

Manny, however, needed some time to recover. That was to be expected after a solid twenty-four hours of manic insanity. His mind came back in pieces. At first he was very slow and confused. His confusion gradually cleared up, but the slowness lingered; he spent hours in that state of mind one wakes up with after an inadequate amount of sleep. It didn't help that the more aware he became of what had happened, the more depressed and ashamed he felt about it.

"Man, did I really spend that many hours looking up Girafarig in underpants?" Manny semi-slurred. "How the heck does that even work? Those things have a second head on their butt."

"Do you want to look it up?"

"Ye- I mean, no! Dammit, Dexter."

"Also, do you still want me to fetch you 'the pubic hairs of ten thousand mountain goats'?"

"Uh, what?"

"Apparently they were to be used in the production of some type of musical instrument."

"Ha ha, man. Oh, insanity, you so crazy." Manny sighed. His eyes fell to the floor. "I can't believe how pointless it all was. All that effort to catch Weegee and he makes me his bitch in less than a second. Dexter… if you're so good at analyzing stuff, can you pinpoint the exact moment where I became a failure?"

And then I realized that I had been misinterpreting Manny's shame and depression. It had nothing to do with his prior state of insanity. It had everything to do with the reason he and Samus and I needed to talk.

"Never," I told him. "And it doesn't have to happen. But it will happen if you don't come to terms with reality, as I've repeatedly advised you to do."

"Oh, c'mon. Come to terms with what reality? I don't know what you expect. Maybe, I dunno, the reality is that I was never cut out for this crap to begin with. Dammit, I've tried so many times and a month later – nothing. Zilch. I have… I mean, I should have the ability to do this. If it was gonna happen, I really should have caught someone by now."

"Be careful with that 'should'. It is perhaps the most dangerous word in the entire Standard language."

"Why should I care?"

"In your current state, I don't expect you to understand. However, I wish to change that. Do you remember me telling you that Samus called while you were out of it?"

"Eh… a little. Everything was kind of blurry when I first came back from crazytown."

"I just sent her a message that you ought to be fully recovered in an hour. At that time, the three of us will have a little chat."

"What? But… hey! She's a rival bounty hunter now!"

"She's also a friend, and she wants to help you as much as I do."

In the end, Manny lacked the energy and motivation to argue.

)(

When Samus answered my call, she was wearing armor up to her neck. I'd seen her take this armor off before, but it was a rare event. I put her image up on all relevant screens. "Hello, Manny, Dexter," she said.

The sight of her brought out something in Manny he'd been weakly suppressing for the past hour. "Okay, you know what? This is dumb," he said, clenching his fists and crossing his lower arms. "You're a frickin' rival bounty hunter! You ain't supposed to be actually helping me!"

"Manny," Samus coolly responded, "if you were even remotely competitive with me, I'd hang up right now, but you aren't."

Anger flickered across Manny's face. Then acceptance crept in, and he lay back in his chair, fists unclenched. "Oh, what's the point, I know you're right. I'm nobody."

"Manny, everybody starts out as nobody. That's what I called to tell you."

"Really? That'll make this a really short call, then."

"That and other things. Like the fact that you need to listen to Dexter when he tells you which targets you aren't suited for, given your level of experience."

"But I've had lots of experience! I've…"

"Helped us kill Mewtwo?" Samus interrupted with a fierce tone. "Helped your trainer become Champion? I don't give a shit. I didn't ask Metal Sonic, but I'm pretty sure he didn't give a shit, either, and neither did any of the targets you failed to capture. When you first flew off of your home planet, you started everything again from scratch. If you don't believe me, believe all of those bounties you never collected."

For a few moments, Manny stared forward blankly. "So what do you want me to do about it?" he quietly asked.

A blank screen to Manny's left lit up. Samus had sent him a "Wanted" poster, with information about the target beneath the picture. Manny ought to have recognized the creature on the poster – it was a Pokémon. Specifically, a Rotom. A Rotom is a ghost/electric Pokémon with a tiny plasma body that looks like a red teardrop made of lightning. Its Pokédex entry reads: "Rotom's electric-like body can enter some kinds of machines and take control in order to make mischief." (Wow, that felt good. I must still be programmed to feel a surge of satisfaction every time I share a Pokédex entry. Well played, Pokédex manufacturers.)

Samus gave Manny a moment to scan the document before explaining herself. Then she asked, "Have you heard of the Hench Refugee Center?"

"I've heard of the fact that I haven't heard of it."

"…Okay, ignoring how little sense that made. Basically, it's a haven for minions who escaped from their evil masters and want to integrate into galactic society. This week, a Rotom infiltrated their electrical circuits and started making trouble there. They just now got the approval to put a bounty on that Rotom's head. I've…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Manny interrupted. "Wait a moment. This thing's like some mix of a vermin and a computer virus, and they're calling on bounty hunters to get rid of it? Isn't that a job for, like, an exterminator or something?"

"Bounty hunting isn't all about the glamorous stuff they show on T.V.," said Samus. "Trust me." She was right. Bounty hunting was a rare, obscure sport many years ago. Then the Space Pirates accumulated power and wreaked havoc all over the galaxy. The Federation needed more fighters than its own military could supply. So it changed the rules. The rules for what qualified as a "bounty" became looser and looser; local governments and businesses and even private citizens were given greater freedom to post bounties on their own; and as a result, people like Samus Aran popped up everywhere. Since these rules remain in place, so does the loose and rather vague definition of "bounty". Without a clear definition, and with Federation rules favoring quick approval of every application, there are some pretty… unorthodox bounties out there. Once, some prankster posted a bounty for "Your Mother" (Crime: "she too fat") and it actually got approved. Dozens of innocent women were turned in before the Federation noticed its mistake.

"Anyways," Samus continued, "as I was saying, I filed a claim on the Rotom. You know that a hunter at my level almost never officially claims a victim. I'm only doing it to keep other bounty hunters away from it so that it's clear for you to take. And before you say a word," she said pointedly when Manny looked like he was about to say a number of words, none of them positive; "I want you to seriously think about this. It's exactly the kind of experience you need. There won't be any gunfights or fistfights – for you, that's the easy part – but minus that, you'd have to face every single aspect of bounty hunting. It'll be all about locating and capturing the target, and you'd get to face and practice every step on a relatively easy bounty. And this time, you won't have to worry about a more experienced hunter taking your prize from you. Hey!" she snapped, and Manny promptly closed his mouth. "I really hope you weren't about to use the I-can't-accept-help-from-a-rival-bounty-hunter excuse, because you know it's a load. I'm not going to do anything to help you capture this Rotom, I'm just ensuring that nobody else does it for you."

Since I am by far the smartest being in any conversation I have the charity to participate in, I decided it was time to speak up. "Manny, you need to do this. I'm not only asking as your partner, or as a Pokédex who may have to go back to coddling obnoxious children if the money runs dry. I'm also asking as a friend." That last word took so much effort I may have accidentally corrupted a portion of the many LOLmeowth pictures in my memory, but I somehow survived the loss. "Yes, believe it or not, I do care about what happens to you and I do want you to succeed. So when I berate your many mistakes, it is not entirely out of pure self-interest. This opportunity is exactly the kind of experience you need, and you may actually get some money out of it. I strongly suggest you take it."

Manny sat there, looking distressed. "I just don't get it," he said. "It still just sounds to me like a job for an exterminator."

"Then exterminate," said Samus. "I've said everything I came here to say, and I don't need to stay and persuade you. I have stuff to do. Planet QE416 just got attacked and I want to find the terrorist who did it."

"Holy crap. A bombing?"

"No, worse. They let loose a bunch of angry Hylian cuckoos in a public square."

"That fiend! …What's a Hylian cuckoo?"

"I hope for your sake that you never have to find out. Anyway, good luck and goodbye."

"Yeah, um, see ya."

Thirty minutes after Samus hung up, Manny finally made his decision.

"Fine, I'll capture the stupid Rotom I guess," he grudgingly said. "But not until tomorrow. When Samus told me to exterminate, it reminded me – tonight's the Dr. Who 2,770th Season Premiere!"

I felt disappointed. "Really, Manny? That show's been pure anti-robot propaganda since at least Season 2,691."

But since Manny had just recovered from his last attempt to hunt a bounty, I granted that he could rest until tomorrow morning. After that, off to the Hench Refugee Center we went.