"Yes, badfic clichés. I know "Those Lacking Spines" is a hilarious spoof that handles horrible clichés with finesse and humor. But I'm curious to see if you guys can write half-way seriously the following and turn them into goodfic.
1. A self-insert character gets sucked into their PS2."
-- (challenge from ChaosRamenCup at Kingdom Hearts FanFiction Rants)

Back again, loves. I won't spend too long chattering, but the second chapter is here. All the same warnings from the last chapter apply (most specifically the ones about swearing), and as I said last time, I do hope you enjoy. Please let me know if you do, mm? I would love to know how this attempt is doing at answering that challenge.

--

Disclaimer: This story and all elements contained herein (unless noted), are property of Disney & Square-Enix, 2001-2007. PlayStation and its associated devices are property to Sony. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Dresden Richards, the blue-eyed boy, and the sword-swinging wonder are property of Epoison.


Chapter Two
In Which Dresden Reveals Her Patented, Fool-Proof Battle Tactics

- - -

For several seconds, all she could do was blink. Traverse Town? What kind of mindfuckery was this? There was no way it existed, and definitely no way she was there. "Clearly it's just 'let's screw with Dresden's mind'-day," she muttered, running her hands through her hair and pulling just a bit. "All right, your point is proven!"

What point that was, she didn't know. But it had been proven all the same.

She hesitated, but no-one popped out to laugh at her, so… Dresden shook her head. It wasn't real. It couldn't be.

She reached over and smacked the doorframe.

But apparently, it was real, because that had hurt.

She blinked again, looking at her hand before glancing around. "This… really is real." What had happened, though? Was it some kind of tripped-out dream—no, no, she would have remembered that. Wouldn't she?

Dresden shook her head again. "Okay," she murmured aloud, setting her chin. "Let's just not even go there right now, all right? Let's figure out what the hell's going on first, and then we can turn to what kind of crack you've been smoking." She nodded to herself, folding her arms and looking out over the square again.

Let's see, then… there was the café, the item shop, the accessory shop, the post office drop-box… it was all just how she'd known it would be, and yet entirely different. It was a lot bigger, for one, and there were a lot more people, milling about the plaza and chattering happily amongst themselves. There were houses off to either side of her, flanking the gate she'd entered as well as the entrance to what she assumed would be Third District, if they hadn't been switching things up on her again. A dog barked as it wove between the villagers, chased by a whole gaggle of younger children, giggling madly as they tried to catch it. Two boys hung around one of the lightpoles; one had grabbed hold of the "branches" of it that housed the actual lights, and had his feet braced on the pole as he scanned the crowd. "Jacob, where did you go?"

Despite herself, Dresden had to smile a bit. It was so different than what she was used to, and yet exactly the same—it was… strange to find Traverse Town as a normal town.

But standing here wasn't going to help her find her answers, now, was it? She shook her head, then started forward, into the crowd. Act like you own the place! However, she didn't get very far.

"Hey, someone stop him!"

The shout rose above the crowd; half the people stopped abruptly, trying to look around and see what was going on. There was another shout, unintelligible this time, and directly in front of Dresden a boy pushed his way out of the crowd—and almost directly into her. She squeaked, trying to get out of his way—they both went to her left. She tried to go the opposite way, but he was already going that way; after just a few tries, she ducked his arm. "Sorry…!"

He bolted without another word, and Dresden felt like smacking herself. That had been stupid—she should have done something else! Though honestly, what would she have done? She twisted around, trying to get a glimpse of the boy as he disappeared into the crowd. He turned halfway himself, and for just a second she could see the blue of his eyes before he disappeared into the throng.

She turned back around, glancing down at the ground, eyes wide. She… had no idea what had just happened.

"What happened?" The voice that had made the initial shout was speaking again; the man was pushing his way towards where the "confrontation" (if one could really call it that) had occurred. "You almost stopped him!"

Dresden glanced toward where the man was almost to the break in the crowd, then away. She didn't want to be stuck there explaining why she hadn't grabbed him or something… She'd already made her decision before he'd even spoken, to be honest. She shrugged her shoulders further back into her jacket, then twisted. "Excuse me…"

She barely waited for the woman next to her to acknowledge her words before she was darting past, disappearing into the crowd.

- - -

Stupid. That's what you are.

I know, I know.

What kind of an idiot are you, anyways? Why the hell do you go running off when you don't have a clue where you're going?

It looks a lot smaller on the television…

Well, that's all fine and peachy, but what now, fool? Now you're lost, and guess what—this –isn't– a game. You're really in it now.

I don't want to think about that. Shut up, brain.

Dresden shook her head as she finally slowed to a stop, looking around and hooking her thumbnail inbetween teeth. After she'd reached the edges of the crowd, she'd taken off without a thought as to where she was going—she just wanted away from that lot for the moment. But in making her "escape," she'd managed to get herself hopelessly lost, as well. It really was a lot bigger than it looked… But I guess that's because they don't want to take the time animating huge crowds, Dresden thought wryly.

A pause.

"Oh, God, how the hell did I wind up here?" Dresden dropped her head into waiting hands, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. It wasn't helping. This isn't supposed to be possible; it's just not –reasonable!– It's only in the bad fanfic I used to read on ff.n!

She needed to beat herself awake! That was it, surely. And look! A convenient wall!

Seven painful meetings with the wall later, she had to admit it wasn't working.

I thought you didn't want to think about that, anyways?

Oh, great. That was all she needed to make the day perfect. A mouthy conscience, as well.

Why, yes, she was freaking out a little, thank-you-very-much!

The thing that pulled her from her thoughts finally was a sound she hadn't thought she'd hear here: a kitten's meow. Dresden blinked, turned… and her jaw dropped. Somehow when she'd been distracted, a pair of cats and their three kittens had managed to pass her (though that wasn't the part that surprised her, to be honest…). And she'd almost managed to trip over one of the kittens, a black one with a red ribbon tied around its neck—that had been the source of the meow.

However, that wasn't what was made her stop dead. What had her blinking was who the cats were. She recognized them! "It's Duchess!" she squeaked. "And O'Malley cat!"

The cats didn't pause, although the three kittens did. But after a moment, they realized they were losing their mother and they pounced after her.

Dresden had to stop again. This was… this was real. And it was becoming more and more clear.

Wow. That was something to think about. What had… happened?

—but that was something to think about later, because the cats were leaving her! And as lost as she was, she was going to follow anything to get out of there. And hopefully back into the streets that she knew. "Who ever would have imagined that it would be this big?" she wondered aloud, giggling slightly. "It's insane."

Well, you're pretty insane, yourself. Who carries on these sorts of conversations with themselves?

I do!

my point has just been proven, I think.

maybe.

She followed the cats for only a few minutes; they seemed to realize she was tailing them (well, it wasn't as though she'd been discreet about it) and as she turned a corner, they were gone. However, she'd finally begun to see more lights that she hadn't seen before, and by that time, she could find her own way.

That wasn't, of course, to say that she was prepared to step through an archway and find herself in the middle of the Second District.

A split-second of panic. Of course, the first thing she thought of was what had happened the first time she—or rather, Sora—had walked into the Second District. Was she in for a repeat performance?

A hesitation. A glance around herself. A step forward…

And an abrupt meeting of face and palm as she heard the telltale sound of the Heartless appearing.

Oh, god, oh, god, this was horrible and bad and how the hell was she going to get herself out of this one she'd never even had any sort of training in fighting and if she couldn't fight she couldn't protect herself and this so, so, so wasn't good at aallllllllll…! Dresden whipped around, wide-eyed, trying to see where the Heartless wa—

It leapt at her. She saw it out of the corner of her eye and shrieked, an arm coming up to shield herself as she stumbled backwards. Claws ripped into her arm and she cried out in pain, shaking her arm frantically and turning tail to run.

Battle plans? Run. Like. Hell.

It worked for only a couple seconds—she'd emerged into the bottom plaza, and there were several groups of Heartless appearing at a time. More than she had known would appear. "It's a lot easier in the game!" she cried out, but the words were lost due to her shuddering breath.

"What are you doing?"

The voice almost made her stop again, but the knowledge that a horde of Heartless was at her back was more than enough to keep her going. After a moment, the demand was repeated, and she shouted in return, "Well, I can tell you—" pause for skirting a narrowly-missing claw, "—what I'm not doing: I'm not—" pause again, "—getting killed!"

For a moment, there was no response, but then a second later, Dresden had to pull up short as a boy leapt the rail in front of her. For a moment—just a split-second—she almost thought that he would be the guy that she'd seen earlier in the crowd; after all, wasn't this how it was supposed to go? But then she dismissed the thought; that was only in fiction.

He drew a dagger from his belt and she couldn't help but squeak, ducking down and diving to one side. She sat up just in time to watch him drag the dagger upwards through one of the Heartless that had been chasing her, following it with a stab. The Heartless dissolved, crystalline heart drifting upwards as per usual, but the boy didn't seem to notice; he'd already tugged a gun from his holster, aiming it towards the next set. He tucked the dagger back into his belt in one smooth, practiced movement and pulled another gun with the other hand.

Whatever Dresden had been expecting, it was not that he was going to toss her the gun. "Familiar with these at all?" he demanded of her, drawing the knife again.

"Eh? What?"

"Do you know how to use it?"

Dresden examined the weapon. She'd usually avoided guns like the plague, although she'd written about them more than once. She needed to turn the safety off, first… and… it was right there! She smirked triumphantly as the gun was armed: now to turn to the real problem. Could she handle it?

"Hey!" The boy was shouting again. "Don't you dare try to get someone else taking care of this for you! Can you handle that thing or not?"

"Um, well…" Dresden stuttered, still staring down at the gun in her hands. "I took a class once, but it wasn't really… it wasn't this sort of—" Trigger?

The gun discharged violently, sending a bullet straight through the golden top of a nocturne.

"You know what? No," claimed Dresden, eyes wide as she stared at it. "No, no, not at all."

"Time to get familiar, then."

This time, she actually did flail a little bit, waving her arms frantically. "What—right now?"

"Unless you prefer to die!" the boy shouted back. "You managed to stir up more than enough of them for one person—some of them are going to be coming your way, too!"

Dresden swallowed hard, feeling unsteady as she set both hands on the gun's grip. "But—but I can't shoot! I've never—what if I miss?"

"Don't!"

"Not helping!"

Somehow—she'd never know how—he managed to pause in fighting, shooting her a glare over his shoulder. "We don't exactly have time for lessons!" he informed her bluntly, jabbing his dagger into a Soldier's helmet. "I've told you already. Let me know if I should just get out of here and leave you to them or not!"

She may not have known much at that time, but one thing was for sure: "Don't leave me!"

"Then start shooting!"

What choice did she have? It was quickly becoming a "do-it-or-die" situation, and she certainly didn't want to die yet. Dresden lifted the gun, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before opening them again—she really didn't want to shoot her help, after all.

And then she pulled the trigger.

…she missed.

How did you –miss?– I swear, girl, Maddi would be ashamed of you.

Quiet!

Even though she'd missed, it wasn't as bad as she'd thought. She'd hit the corner of one of the buildings near, and a small chunk of the corner had broken off and fallen to the ground. That wasn't bad, right?

"What the hell were you aiming at?"

"Shut it before I aim at you instead!" Yep, Dresden was sulking now. Kind of. As much as it was possible to sulk while attempting to re-aim the gun, at any rate.

"Not like you'd hit me, is it?"

She didn't respond. Not yet. Instead, she turned to the gun, firing another shot while attempting to fix her terrible aim.

Thankfully, with the both of them working together, the Heartless didn't last long. And good for it; Dresden didn't think she'd be able to keep it up for very long. As the last one dissolved from existence, she dropped her stance. That had been the most nerve-wracking experience of her life—and she included any and all solo performances in that. How…? Her lips curved slightly as she realized what she'd been just about to say. How does Sora put up with this all the time? Come on, Dresden. It's a –game.– He doesn't. You are.

The smile faded abruptly as another realization hit her. Except… you're here, aren't you? So… it kind of –is– real. If Sora's somewhere around here, he –is– putting up with that all the time.

She shook her head. At the same time, the boy from before reached her. She immediately held out the gun to him; he took it and tucked it back into his belt. He didn't speak.

"…thanks," Dresden said after a moment. "I, uh… probably would have been out the doors to First District if you hadn't come." Another question there—would the Heartless have followed her if she'd gone? Or would it have been like the game where they just disappeared until you came back in?

"Ow!" A sharp rap to the head shook her back to the now; the boy was giving her that look—the sort of look that deemed the recipient an idiot of the highest order. "What was that for?"

"That was for being an idiot," he responded. "You can't go out into the First District once you've caught the attention of the Heartless! You've seen how many people are out there—they can't all defend themselves like you or—well, like I can. If you went out there with all those Heartless following you…"

They lapsed into silence, her unspoken wonderings answered. All those people… at once, Dresden felt a sudden gratefulness to this kid. "I'm sorry," she finally said, looking up and meeting his eyes. "I didn't know."

"Ignorance isn't much of an excuse."

"I know." There wasn't much else she could say.

"If you don't know how to fight, what were you doing in the Second District, anyways?"

Her head snapped up. "Well, it wasn't intentional. There was sort of a… an explosion—not a real explosion, don't worry! I mean—just—things went crazy, I guess," she covered quickly as the boy made to dart toward the doors separating the districts. "Someone took something? I was standing there and someone just shouted 'Somebody stop him!'" She waited a moment, but he didn't say anything in response. However, he was still standing there, so she took it as a signal to carry on. "And he went past me and I just felt like an idiot so I went into the alleys. And got lost. And then I followed a couple cats and they came out here, is all. It wasn't intentional…"

Feeling even more like an idiot? Oh, yes, check.

After a time, the boy sighed, shaking his head. "Well, if you're here in Traverse Town, you've got to learn these things."

"I haven't even been here a day yet!" Dresden interrupted. "I'll learn them…"

The boy shot her a look. "You've only been here hours and you're in here? Most newcomers are still in the accessory shop driving Cid insane with questions."

Ohshit. This was where she was going to have to watch her step very, very carefully. "…Cid?" Dresden parroted, striving to keep her face carefully blank.

She was internally pleased to watch the boy's palm meet his forehead; good, she had managed it for now. "You haven't even talked to Cid yet?"

Dresden shook her head. "I talked to this other guy first, and then I was in the plaza. And then you know the rest."

Now it was his turn to shake his head. "Well, I'm not doin' it. I refuse."

"What?"

"I'm not gonna be the one to tell you that—" He stopped short, finally looking away for the first time since the Heartless had stopped attacking. But he didn't need to finish. She knew what he'd been about to say.

"—that my world's been destroyed. Is that it?" Dresden asked quietly.

His head snapped back towards her, and she sighed. "I know already." She didn't believe it at all, but she knew what he'd tell her. "So what am I supposed to do after that? Nod and smile, and sit in the First District while everyone else gallivants around trying to save the worlds from the Heartless?"

"Some people do that, yes."

"Well, I don't want to," decided Dresden. "I've been wanting to actually learn how to fight for years anyways, and this seems like an opportunity. Don't get me wrong—" she added quickly, seeing how the boy was about to cut her off violently, "—I more than know this isn't a game. But there's no way in hell I'm just going to sit around, and if I'm going to be going into the danger, I'll need to know how to defend myself. So tell me—where can I do that?" Lips curved up into a wry smile; she raised an eyebrow. "Who can I go to that might be willing to teach me how to use some form of weaponry?"

This was bound to be both terrifying and interesting.

The boy shook his head. "You sure about this?"

Dresden nodded. "Never been more certain."

He shrugged. "Well, then, I guess you're coming with me for now."

"What?"

He smirked. "We'll just say that Abernant and I have close ties."

…well, if she went off of the "Stereotypical Fanfic Cliché List," she would be in trouble because he would be this "Abernant" character himself. But she was going to hope that that wasn't true, and that she wasn't setting herself up to look like an idiot here.

He was already walking away. "Come on. Lessons start when the bell chimes, and it's going to take a bit longer to get there since you haven't the slightest how to fight yet."

Dresden squeaked, jumping a little before darting after him. "All right. Thanks." And going on at least a little bit of the manners she'd been taught… "Oh, and um… I'm Dresden. Dresden Richards."

"Name's Kale."

"All right… Kale. Thanks. Again."

"I wouldn't say that just yet. Here, take this; Heartless'll probably be coming before we get over there."

"'Kay."

And as they set off once again, she couldn't help but feel a little bit better.