AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This chapter is mostly about Beckett's thoughts and since I had thought of this story before 3x12 , Castle and Gina are still a couple. So I'm labeling this story as 'Alternate Universe' as neither the circumstance for kiss nor the aftermath are the same.
Beta reader : Beckett NYPD. Thanks for taking time for betay-ing it for me. :)
Disclaimer : Do not own anything related to Castle.
Back to the present:
She having now remembered the whole scenario of yesterday, was quite a bit embarrassed about what was the right thing to do after a string of blunders she had made yesterday. Suddenly a thought struck her and she turned to look to see if Castle was still there somewhere. But thankfully he wasn't, so she decided the first best thing she could do was to get freshened up and drink that steaming cup of coffee she needed so badly to clear her head and think about her next course of action…she hadn't even called the precinct to check what happened after she left, that was so unlike her.
She entered the shower with what one would call a heavy mind. She needed to clear it out before she could face the world. Even though she could say that she doesn't care what the world thinks about her…she does care about what the people, whom she cares about, think about her. Somewhere unknowingly Richard Castle had seeped into the top of that list. And once the Castle thought started playing her mind there was no end to it…it was always an emotional roller coaster when she thought about him. This happened more than she would ever acknowledge. Today was just a little more complicated, that's all.
She let the warm water wash away all the physical tiredness and exhaustion off her body wishing if only it would wash away her worries too. But of course no such luck… the only way to get rid of a nagging thought is to think more about it and find a solution, ironical…but true.
The first thought which came to her mind was the kiss. She didn't want to dwell on the facts of how good it was, because already she had a handful of problems she surely didn't want to add this new dimension to it. But she wasn't ungrateful either to acknowledge the fact that how much that Kiss made her feel safe and loved. She needed that human touch at that moment to ensure her sanity and she was thankful to Castle for that without expecting anything in return.
She had no idea as to what he thought of yesterday's kiss. But she needed to tell him that it was a moment of emotional weakness and that he shouldn't read too much into that. But somewhere in her heart she felt like a selfish hypocrite to think that. Would she have let someone else kiss her like that yesterday? And she even asked him to stay near her just for her comfort and he did so without a second thought. Would she have asked someone else to do that for her ? And more importantly would somebody else do everything that he did yesterday or what he has been doing for all these days? She really didn't have an answer to that or to say more truthfully... she didn't want to know the answer.
She was a guarded person who seldom let people into her fortress. Very few had crossed into it and everyone who enters, is etched forever in it. And sadly when they leave, they inadvertently leave an empty shell in that place. It's easy for them to go but it was much harder for her to forget. All those who entered it were irreplaceable. 'But was she in theirs?' was the ever lingering question in her heart…
She had let him in about a year ago and was ready to give it a chance. After all she was a cop, she was ready to take the chance if she needed to. She thought about what she might have said if she did have the chance to complete the conversation that day, last summer.
"Castle, I know I'm not the easiest person to work with but I want you to know I really appreciate your assistance... What I'm trying to say is… I thought…umm well may be if you still want me to come to the Hamptons with you … I'm free this weekend. "
He would have jumped in joy and she would have continued," Castle! Now don't get over excited! You are not getting lucky, if you know what I mean, understand! "(She would roll her eyes still trying to hide her happiness of how much just a 'YES' from her could make him happy.) She wanted to give him a chance… more appropriately give THEM a chance. She didn't know where it would have led her but she was ready to take the leap of faith.
Then suddenly she came back to reality as cold water hit her like a bolt of lighting. (She had turned the hot water off in her trance.) And reality was nowhere near the happy picture she just painted. He had left her, left with his ex-wife hanging onto his arms, left her standing there alone in front of the whole precinct who were watching her with those pitiful eyes. From somewhere inside all the pent up anger surfaced thinking how he had fled when life threw him a curve ball that was too much to handle... and that too with his ex.
' I mean ex? Seriously? Don't people become somebody's ex for a reason? And the way he had mentioned Gina, he never seemed to like her much and just because she wasn't ready to go with him, he finds even his despicable ex-wife so much more interesting?' She thought spitefully.
What did it take? A day? It just took him one day to find her replacement! Was she that expendable in his life? When he seemed to be almost irreplaceable in her life … She just stood there in the cold shower thinking this for some time until a thought struck her.(she turned the hot water back on)
'But he is back in my life. How did that happen? Oh yes, it was me who had let him back in. Why do I always do that? Why do I always forgive him for all the grave crimes he commits? He poked and prodded into my mom's case when he knew how much it would hurt me… and yet he did … and the worse part was that that all it took to come back into my life was a sincere 'I'm so sorry' and I melted! When did the tough shell Beckett fall for something like that?
And then again when he had left me standing there crying... yeah I know I wouldn't even admit that to myself but he did break my heart that day, and I still accepted him back into my life. I had to falsely lose in a bet to let him win! When did I start doing such things? Seriously he does peel more layers of the Beckett onion, which even I didn't know even existed in me.'
She smiled as the warm water warmed her heart comfortingly. But the question was, was she ready to take that chance again with him? To put her heart out again in front of him not knowing whether he would relish it or plainly reject it. Even though she knew the answer, the fear of again being shown that she was expendable…so easily replaced …stopped her thoughts right there.
It's only after all this that for the first time in 2 whole days that the name of Josh crept into her mind. She was somewhat disturbed by that revelation. After all he was her current boyfriend and all she could think was of Castle uptill now. Somewhere she realized how wrong that sounded. It was not right for her to kiss Castle and keep thinking about that kiss when she was still committed to Josh. He was a fabulous person, and he didn't deserve that.
Josh was out of the city as he had to attend an annual cardiologists and cardio-thoracic surgeon's conference in another state and was scheduled to return in another 2 days as it was a 5-day conference.
She couldn't decide as to whether end this relationship with him or give it another chance. She didn't want to think of him just as some random rebound guy. He was a great person and had all the qualities which would impress any girl, but he also had that extra something which could impress the extra-ordinary Beckett heart too, which was no mean feat in itself.
After all she still was not sure about anything Castle. He was already in a relationship and even if not, can she trust him for that, 'forever' …? Last time she took a chance and all she had ended up with was two broken hearts. It was no fault of Demming either, but she had dumped him suddenly without any prior warning. Some days back in those lonely summer nights she felt that she deserved what happened to her to dump him like that. No one deserved that, right? Even though she knew it was the right thing to do…but still…
So no matter what happens this time, she wouldn't do that to Josh. Not this time. This time she won't be selfish. She would give him that chance which he surely deserved. After all if they weren't meant to be, the relationship would come to an end by itself. She thought that this might not be the wisest or the right thing to do… but it was something she had to do. Everybody deserved another chance. At least this is what she convinced herself to do.
By now she was out of the bathroom and dried herself, when she heard some noise coming from the living room. Not waiting to change into her work clothes, she caught hold of a robe she could find and started searching for her gun and cell phone and realized that both were in the living room! She started to panic but her cop instincts kicked in and she immediately took what she thought was the heaviest object in her room – a solid flower vase which she thought if necessary would surely make at least a crack in any cranium provided the intruder didn't aim her own gun at her. So armed with her weapon, she treaded as stealthily as a cat to attack the intruder.
Oohhhh I know many of you wanna murder me for this! But well I promise next chapter will be better to save you from a homicide charge. *hehe*
But yeah they won't become girlfriend and boyfriend all of a sudden and Josh won't just disappear into thin air * nice wishful thinking* but well a lot of other expected and unexpected things can happen. ;)
Now hmmm may I still dare to ask for reviews please ?
