Disclaimer : I do not own X-MEN First Class.

Unbeta-ed.

Anonymous Review's Reply :

Jk : Ah, I'm glad you like this ;) No slash? :l I'll try my best not to since this isn't suppose to be slash at all. But I am truly sorry if things get out of hand. Thank you for reading this anyway! :D (hugs)


Charles stared at the disappearing back of the man he called a friend, something deep inside of him broke into thousands of pieces. He looked down on his lap, where his hands were resting and his book lay forgotten. He traced his eyes lower and saw his immobile feet, hanging at the end like a burden.

His eyes felt warm and Charles held in a sob when he blinked and a tear escaped.

He felt horrible.

He felt awful, ugly and horrible.

It was not Erik's fault that he was like this– cripple, like he had cruelly thrown at his face, but he needed to blame someone. He needed to put the fault on someone else, letting them bear the pain that he wasn't brave enough to carry. He was a coward and Charles hated himself for it.

He never meant to push Erik away, to hurt him like that but there was no other way. He was enough with his self loathing while people around him said good things about him and he needed someone to hate him to show that he wasn't perfect. Erik definitely would not do but Charles needed someone to blame for his condition.

He had sent Moira away, unable to look into her eyes again and tell her he was fine. He couldn't accept the guilt and the sympathy in her eyes. He sent her away with a kiss, hoping that she would never remember and would forever forget.

But Erik was different.

Erik chose to stay despite his condition. He stayed even when Charles didn't ask him to and Charles hated it when Erik had to go through every day seeing him in his pathetic form.

Charles would remind himself over and over again what had happened at the beach. How cruel fate had punished him, so that he could stay rational and move on.

But the last glance at Erik had thrown at his way before he left his room had succeeded to break his heart even more.


The dinner would be awkward if not for the efforts by the children.

"But I want to go for the next trip! Why is it always Raven and Alex that got to go?" Sean mumbled, muttering how unfair it was for him to stay home while Raven and the blond were allow to go on the trips with Erik to recruit other mutants. Raven grinned, definitely thrilled by the fact that they were going again while Alex rolled his eyes at the redhead.

"Well, duh, Bigfoot is blue and furry," Hank growled at him for that, "and Professor has to stay back," while Charles was looking amused at his mentioning. Alex pointed his fork at the youngest in the house.

"I can destroy stuff and Raven is able to change form. We need a babysitter and that left you behind. And all you can do is screaming. I bet Professor and Bozo are the ones that have to look after you, not the other way around."

Sean threw a dirty look at his way and Alex snorted, obviously happy with victory. Hank rolled his eyes at the young blond and Charles couldn't help but to laugh a bit. He noticed that Erik was silent ever since the start but Charles wouldn't do anything to bring him up.

Erik stared as the others continued to chatter, mischievously flickered some peas at each other occasionally and Erik had to look away when he accidentally met Charles' eyes. He glared at his steak, his dinner, as if he could burn holes through it with his eyes.

Erik hated this. This situation, this feeling and this guilt.

It was worse than that time, when Charles told him that it was him who did this, not Moira and to listen it again from Charles, this time with anger and sadness in his words, it nearly caused Erik to lose his sanity. So he did the most rational thing he could think of.

Abruptly, he stood from his seat, causing all pair of eyes, except for one – that he loved the most – turned to look at him. Erik just shrugged them away and made his way out from the dining room. Alex was bowled over for a moment, looking at the blue mutant beside him as if Hank had the answer to one of their mentors' sudden depart, while Hank only managed to blink his eyes.

Charles refused to make eye contact with any of his students, quietly continued to eat his meal. Raven faked a cough once she combined two by two, attracting attentions from the boys to her.

"So… Maybe I should go with Sean for this time, poor soul never got the chance for a new trip."

Alex twitched.

"Hell no."


The days had passed without much helps from either side.

Charles found himself spending time alone in his bed, his study and everywhere when the children were not concerned. He still saw Erik lingered in the rooms or in the hallways; sometimes the temptation to call out for him or just hold onto him was so strong.

But Charles still hadn't get over his curse.

When he opened his eyes in the early morning, remembering how good it would feel like to get throw his legs over his bed, go to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face before he proceed to the kitchen, make some tea by his own and later have his morning run; it was devastating.

Just at the thought of his morning routine almost brought him to tears. He couldn't help himself to think of his previous life and how much it hurt to know that he could never be the same again.

So every time he reached out to hold onto Erik that was starting to slip away – through his fingers, just like grains of sands, how ironic – he would remind himself about his flaw and his hand would dropped down slowly, letting the only man he had ever yearn so much, to disappear.


Nightmares were Charles' best friends.

They loved to visit him, especially at nights when he was having his sleep, unknown to the world and dead to the thoughts.

Sometimes Charles would dream of his mother; his beautiful, beautiful mother that had loved him less and lesser as days passed by. He would see into her eyes, how devastated she was at the fact that Charles wasn't normal; that her only child could not be like other human kids, the ones that could not listen to people's minds and manipulating them.

Charles usually would woken up from the dream with a blank face, a blink of eyes and he would just shrugged the dream away, as if they were not worth it.

There were times when he would dream of his stepfather and stepbrother. How much he loathed the former because he knew that he married his mother just because of her wealth and the latter that loved to bully him. He dreamt the times when he protected Raven, passively accepting all type of treatments Cain Marko gave to him and he swore to not fight back because that could only cause more damage. His mother hated it when he caused so many troubles.

He didn't want his beautiful mother to get frustrated over him.

And a fortnight after they finished with their dinner, the one with Erik left halfway, Charles found himself staring back into Erik's icy blue eyes and the feeling of sand under him was so real.

He could felt the pain on his back, the fear and worries in Erik and he heard him shouted at everyone to not come close to them. He watched as Erik tried to kill Moira, saying with hatred filled voice, that she had hurt Charles, she had caused him this and Charles found himself pleading for Erik to stop before he opened his mouth and said,

"No, Erik… you did this."

He blinked his eyes, tears falling uninvited and Erik was looking back at him, remorse and self-loathing visible in his eyes before he quietly, almost too caringly, told him that they should be together, side by side against the humans and their goals are the same but Charles had cut him off, shaking his head and said 'no' all over again.

But this time, instead of throwing his helmet away and threatening the red mutant with tail to bring them to the closest hospital, Erik had turned to look at Moira. Moira quickly took over his place, placing Charles' head on her lap and Charles felt panic rose in his chest.

'No,'

Erik stood up, proud and face void of emotions, speaking with such grace that Charles had never know he had, persuading the other mutants to follow him. Charles tried to pull away from Moira and search for Erik's presence in his mind but the bloody helmet was blocking him out. He watched himself failing to say anything and when Raven came closer to him, kneeling down to put a hand on his face, Charles heard himself telling her that she should follow Erik because that was want she wanted.

'No, No, Raven, don't, Erik, come back,'

Raven kissed him goodbye before she left his side. She went to stand by Erik and Erik didn't even glance at his way. Charles shook his head frantically but no one seemed to notice as they chose which side they wanted. He watched as Erik held his sister's hand, never once looked back and disappeared into a red smoke.

'NO! NO! ERIK! ERIK!'

Charles abruptly opened his eyes when he felt something, no, someone pressed against his body. He was gasping for breath, body trembling miserably as Erik looking down at him, his own icy blue eyes looking nothing but worried.

"Charles-?"

Charles didn't allow him to finish as he threw himself onto Erik, grabbing his shoulders tight and buried his face against his chest. Erik must be shocked, since his body went stiff only for a moment before he wrapped his arms back around Charles. Charles clenched his eyes shut and bit his lower lip, he pulled the older man closer to him.

Erik rubbed on his back, his lips near his ear and Charles heard him clear when he asked whether everything was all right. Charles tried to push himself into Erik, wanted to curl and hide into him but then he remembered he couldn't move his legs.

Erik was a little startled when Charles let out a small gasp and wanted to pull away. However Erik quickly tightened the hold he got on him and their bodies fitted each others like a picture made only with two pieces of puzzle.

The younger brunette was trembling in his arms, suddenly he looked so small and fragile, and Erik wondered what had driven him down from his room on second level to here.

Yes. It was Charles' voice in his mind. He kept on screaming his name and Erik wasted no time running like a madman. He just couldn't run fast enough.

"Were you having a nightmare?" Erik proceeded to ask instead, his voice remained small and soft, like if he was a little bit harsher, Charles might as well break. But the brunette only nodded his head, his hands stayed fisted on Erik's shirt.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Oh God, being with this man was going to be the end of him, Charles was going to be the cause of his death without even trying, Erik grimaced. He couldn't help but inwardly shot himself in the head. How was he going to deal with his problems when his enough were too much to bear?

Charles seemed hesitated for a moment before he shook his head again. Then he went back to wrap his arms around Erik's shoulders and hugged him so tight as if he was afraid that Erik would dissipate into thin air.

And then Erik remembered that they were supposed to be having a cold war now so he mentally concluded that whatever dream, nightmare that Charles just had, it must had something to do with him. Maybe Erik died or something, or maybe he killed Charles instead. Erik felt shivers running through his nerves at the thought and he promptly tightened his embrace around the younger mutant.

Whatever thing that was happening now, with Charles so close against him and warm in his arms, Erik decided that he should relish it. Because the things that were coming by the time sun came out, it definitely wouldn't be pretty anymore.


A small movement against his body as if something in his arms was trying to get free, easily awaken him from his dreamless sleep. Erik blinked his eyes opened, groggily rubbed his eye with his fist before he looked down.

Charles was staring at him, large and bright blue eyes, hair dishevelled and younger than how a twenty nine year old should look like, and Erik found himself breathless.

Maybe it was the adrenaline of the moment, of waking up beside Charles without one of them trying to stab the other with words that poisoned their hearts. Or maybe it was because he was seeing something that he had been ignoring ever since he put himself in the solitary of guilt, at the thought of never seeing Charles walking again.

Then he realized that his arms were wrapped around Charles' petite waist, Charles' head was resting against one of his arm, near his shoulder and Erik could felt him breathing, evident that he was alive all this time. Charles seemed to turn slightly pink before he lowered his eyes to look at somewhere else, but his eyes.

"I need to use the bathroom." He quietly murmured, his own hands were on Erik's chest, just simply being there doing nothing. Erik nodded his head, as if he was in spell and slowly moved to get up.

Charles watched as he stretched his body and rolled his shoulders to ease some muscle strains away. Then the German did something that he didn't expect, for a telepath, it was quite astonishing how Erik never failed to surprise him. The taller man placed one arm under his knees and another behind his shoulders. Before Charles could stop him, he brought him up in his arms like a bloody bride.

"Erik!" Charles exclaimed, much to his horror, his face burned with embarrassment and a little bit of frustration. But Erik just nodded his head and started to walk toward the bathroom.

"Yes, bathroom." He spoke without looking at Charles and Charles wondered if-

"You're heavier than you look." Erik said all of sudden and Charles promptly looked away, his ears turned red by the realization of his unintended projection. Erik left him in the bathroom so that he could use his privacy and Charles grimaced by the fact that he was standing outside the room now.

He wanted to tell Erik to go back to bed or maybe to his own room but he didn't have the heart to. The man had done what Charles thought that he wouldn't after such treatment that Charles gave to him.

And Charles didn't want Erik to go away.

He didn't know what he would do if Erik wasn't here and the thought alone making him wanted cry his eyes out. It was an act of weakness, and it was not like Charles was already in the bright side of the world. He was half paralyzed, couldn't live his life like others and it wouldn't suppose to harm him to live so dependently on Erik.

Charles closed his eyes and snickered, shaking his head at the irony of himself.

How could he want a man that caused him harm and how could he want him to be here when there was nothing else he could give him but burden?


A/N : I've decided, 6 chapters for this story. Next chapter is gonna be cruel, uggh, I'm such a sadist ;D

Thanks to Vinie, fujoshii92, Utena-Puchiko-nyu, MirrorFlower and DarkWind, Valkyrie-Pleasant, Ie-maru, Jk and Auteur-Onirique for all those lovely reviews ;)

Review please.