Tales of Fluffy, the Albino (and Sometimes Toy) Cat…Nah, Only Kidding!
By Centauri Cruxis Angel and Cruxis Gypsy
Centauri Cruxis Angel: Oh yeah! Its chapter 2; 'Concerning Kratos'!
Kratos: Groan
Zelos: Hey! What about me!
All Girls: Yay! No Zelos! He he he!
Lloyd: Ha haw!
Genis: Serves him right!
Cruxis Gypsy: I declare this day… 'NO ZELOS Day!'
Zelos: Humph. Sob
Disclaimer: We do not own 'ToS' or Derris Kharlan, Kratos' underwear, acorns, oak trees or anything slightly Nintendo, except owning a registered copy of most of their hardware ie. Gamecube, Gameboy Advance SP, N64. Yet the dream that Kratos has is entirely his own and 'Squirrel Fishing' is made up by Zelos.
2.-Concerning Kratos-
Kratos had been living and breathing in angel infested, big blob of Mana, known as Derris Kharlan for many, many thousands of…days (CCA CG: We're not being accurate because we don't give a stuff.)(Kratos: Hey!)(CCA CG: Live with it).
He was content to be arrogant, rude, pompous, patronising, wear nothing else than boxers in the morning and scratch his arse freely, and go days without showering, to the unholy, unclean, and ugly beings of the worlds below.
The other worlds being filled with smelly and downright dumb people, Ie. Zelos, Kratos saw himself as a great importance to himself and the worlds, being of the very strong and wise sort.
But it was known that he was uninterested in the worlds below, a rather unfair observation because he also had a keen interest in spiting off the Tower, bungee jumping and the occasional mortal scaring.
Though where his heart truly lay, was in his curiosity (wink, wink). Because he remembered his love of humanity.
To others his ways seemed angelic and enigmatic…
'Nooo! Don't wanna go to school!' Lloyd poked the sleeping Kratos again. 'Anna…not again…I'm too tired…tomorrow…okay…' Noishe trotted over and started vigorously cleaning Kratos' ear with a long pink tongue, probably avidly wishing for finding a tasty treat in the angels' lug-hole. It was the seventh and longest day that the group had been lost. Lloyd had repeatedly tried to tell the group that he knew where they were, but they had caught him out trying to make a signal-flare with a match, Raines original recipe curry and his rubber band collection.
'Mmmm…no…stop it you naughty girl…ohhh…' Kratos moaned and dreamed some unthinkable dream as Noishes' tongue tried to lick the air coming from Kratos' mouth, and failed miserably, except for licking in his mouth. Lloyd sighed. The idea of buying that map of the secret location of some long forgotten summon spirit, had seemed good at the time. He had haggled for sometime with that shady looking guy and finally came to the price of Genis for the map, but then came to a easier resolve, a Martel Statue signed by both the Chosen in the group. 'He was so convincing though…' The guy had talked in rhymes, worn a long black coat…and a dead racoon on his head, cleverly disguised as a toupee. So? How was he to know that he was a looney? They had left the Rheairds' in the infamous Meltokio parking lot, a hangout of local vandals and petrol stealers and headed off into the wilderness to the east. From then on they had played eye-spy 400 times, played 'Naughts and Crosses' 950 times, played 'Guess my Facial Expression', sang 'The Song that Never Ends' (it ended when Sheena tried to shove a pinecone down Zelos' throat) and eaten all their food due to Raines botched attempts to cook, then resorted to Zelos' plan of 'Squirrel Fishing', done by tying an acorn to a piece of string and mentally taunting squirrels with this treat. They would then lie in wait, until they took the bait then…BAM, straight into the cook pot! So far, it was unsuccessful.
Kratos had started to wake up. 'Uhh……what the…Noishe! Bad Protozoan…Ughh…' Kratos began to sit up and spit the excess animal saliva from his mouth. Kratos was dazed because of the lack of squirre…I mean, food and sleep. 'Lloydie…go get daddy some breakie…okay? Mpphh…' Kratos plomped back onto the ground in a dazed stupor and started to snore like a wild pig, wings vibrating with the force of each manly snort. Lloyd got up and searched for his forest-fevered companions. A shout came from around a clichéd large tree blocking his view. 'Hold 'im steady…NO! He's getting away!' Lloyd watched his friends' desperation as they tried to rein in the wild furry creature. 'No!' Sheena's string slipped out of her hands as the squirrel gnawed its way through Regals' and Preceas' strings, then made a blood-lusty jump at Zelos' pants. 'NNNOOOOOOOOOO!' Zelos tried to run, but the squirrel was over the edge now, and had acquired the taste of human. It zipped with un-squirrel like speed it latched itself onto Zelos' face, gnawing the very end of his nose. 'Aggghhhhh! Not the face!' Zelos grappled with the tree-dwelling rat and just managed to chuck it onto a nearby branch, where the squirrel made an obscene gesture with a paw and went on its way. 'Oh well, there always next time!' Chimed a too cheerful Colette, most probably fuelled by Genis' coffee supply. 'Gahh! That was the tenth time!' Zelos held up nine fingers with rage while Raine gave him a rabies jab for his mauled shnoz. 'The percent of us catching a squirrel; 98. The chance of us catching us catching one of these particular squirrels, mentally and physically boosted by the coffee rations stolen from us; 2.5' Said Presea sadly. Genis groaned. 'How was I supposed to know that they could use can openers?' Raine whacked the back of his head. 'Well…you…you were'. The group were also missing a few IQ points from their, as Raine defined it, Squirrel Dementius Nuttousis.
'Hey guys' Lloyd chose his words carefully. A group of irritated adolescences and adults with relatively sharp weapons and unchanged underwear were not a bunch to annoy, especially after a failed squirrel wrangle. Zelos sat down and picked leaves and acorns out of his woman-like hair and pouted. Lloyd took another breath. 'It's about Kratos'. This caught all female attention in an instant.
'What about him?' Asked Genis as he sharpened the pointy end on his Kendama with some sand paper. The end result was enough to make any 'toy safety for children' regulator faint. 'Well I don't think he's holding up his end of the squirrel hunting,' Lloyd looked around the group. 'I think we should vote him out tonight at tribal council.' Melodramatic shock resonated from the group. The presenter guy from 'Survivor' walked in from some unbeknownst area of leaves and said,
'Could this shock revelation be too much for team Symphonia? Could I ever be more annoying? Can Kratos somehow forge an allegiance with the women of the group and turn the tables and vote off Zelos instead? Can Kratos finally start contributing to the group and gain the favour of everyone? Does my bum look big in these kaki-tan pants of mine? Blah blahblah blah blaby? Will I ever lose this melodramatic voice…?' Genis quickly threw his Kendama at the man and knocked him unconscious. The team then tied acorns into his hair and stood back to watch a 150 squirrel strong elite-squad drag him up the tree to take him to their secret tree base, and store him for winter. The poor guy was most likely to not reappear until the next season of 'Survivor' (most probably coming very soon). The group then headed over to where Kratos was sleeping, but all was forgotten when they did reach him. Kratos' wild pig snores had attracted some very plump wild pigs.
'Mine!' 'No! Mine' 'Grrr!' as Kratos and Lloyd fought over the last piece of the a la 'Porker on Poker', both with an appendage of the roasted boar in their mouths and pulling at it like rabid dogs, the rest of the group decided where they would head next. 'Sister Suzie's Saucy Secrets!' yelled Zelos excitedly. 'We should ditch this and go straight to Altamira, for some…fun…' Zelos dragged out the 'n' and looked unashamedly at Sheena's…well, let's just say, he wasn't looking at her face. 'No!' said Raine and hit Zelos hard on the back of the head, knocking his monocle out of his eye. Zelos had been trying all sorts of new things to make himself more appeaseable to women, such as today, more 'sophisticated' with a 'free gift' in his cereal, a monocle. 'Hey!' Zelos whined as he picked up the coloured plastic circle and placed it infront of his eye again. Raine ignored Zelos' pleas for attention to the problem at hand. 'We have two options, keep going or turn back'. 'What about…' 'NO! Zelos…We are NOT going there!' Zelos began sucking his thumb. Sheena looked disappointed, 'I need to make a pact…That's what I do, and insult Zelos!' Regal nodded, pretending to be listing but actually reminiscing about Alicia. '…So what do you think Regal? Regal?' Regal jumped, 'Umm…err…ahhh…I think…pepperoni sounds good…' Raine rubbed eyes. Weren't there any sensible men around anymore? Her question was answered as Lloyd's eyes grew wide and pointed in fear, his finger aiming at something behind the group, 'Mi…Mithos in the nuddy!' Chaos broke lose as people screamed and soiled themselves in fear of seeing the too feminine half-elf full Monty and enjoying it. Kratos made a quick and well practiced dive into his sleeping bag and started shaking violently, remembering the terror of him walking around Derris Kharlan in the same way. Genis and Presea ran as fast as their short legs could go and hid behind a large object; Zelos' head, which he had hid under his fuzzy teddy, Mr. Snuffles. Raine grabbed a copy of 'Crumbly Buildings You' and shielded her face. Sheena summoned Gnome and hid behind his sizeable bulk. Gnome tried to cover his eyes but unfortunately his arms were too short, so instead he knocked himself out with his shovel in his panic. Regal covered his eyes within his long bangs and stayed perfectly still, knowing that if he didn't move, Mithos wouldn't see him. Hopefully.
Several minutes passed silent of pant-wetting fear. It was the same feeling that you get if you have to watch the movie 'Ghostworld' and all its brain numbing boredom for a second time. Kratos slowly and carefully popped his head out of the sleeping bag with one eye closed. At least if Mithos was there, only one of his retinas would blind with horror. 'Hey! Mithos isn't there!' Kratos jumped out and did a dramatic finger point at Lloyd. 'Neh, nuh, n, nn, nnn, nnnnnnnnnnnn…' Kratos' arm was moving that fast that Lloyd got dizzy just watching it. 'LLOYD!' Kratos then gasped as he realised what Lloyd had done. He had eaten then rest of the pig. 'Damn!' said Kratos. Lloyd smiled evilly. 'Opps! It must have been taken of by a rare Mouldy Sausage.' Kratos gave his son his 4000-year old, perfected 'Eval Eye', but it evil 'eval eye' missed and hit Genis, making him fly into a rather muddy mud puddle. Raine quickly battered both of them with her magazine. 'Enough messing around!' As she passed a magazine-dazed Kratos she tried to get her hand down his pants, but then realised that this was too much in the open and there was lots of witnesses. She then noted it to herself for future attempts.
The group again sat down in a wonky shaped circle, more shaped like a square and formulated a plan. 'I think we should send either Colette or Kratos to fly back to Meltokio and get supplies. The other angel stays with us and flies overhead scouting our position with the map. We should then split up into teams; delta veda, johnny bravo and death star and nominate a team leader. The team leader must then pick one other person in their group and find other resources…' By now Raines' lecture on travelling 'tactics' was taking its toll on most of the members of the group, because Lloyd couldn't feel his legs anymore. 'So which angle…' 'Angel' 'Yeah I knew that… should go?' The women instantly knew who they wanted to stay, 'Colette should go…because…she's…the Chosen!' said Sheena eyeing Kratos. 'He he hee! I'm gonna have fun!' Colette went cross-eyed with glee. '…Um. Are you really sure that Colette should go instead of m…' Kratos never had a chance to finish as Presea said, 'Kratos, the percent of Colette making it to Meltokio and back, has a lot higher percent than yours because…err… you're a…bigger target to…Acid-Sneezing Dragons and rabid Flying Sausages.' The girls nodded together in unison, all sizing up Kratos, except Colette who was watching sugar-plums and pixies line-dance infront of her eyes.
'Well okay then…' Kratos knew something bad was going to happen as soon as he had a foreboding feeling of doom as Colette, cheered on by her companions, flew in a direct beeline into a tree. 'It jumped infront of me!' laughed Colette as she finally, after many hitches got above tree-level. Kratos gulped back a feeling of nausea.
Kratos: That's it?
Centauri Cruxis Angel: Umm, yeah. Unless you count the other 20+ chapters we've wrote.
Kratos: Sigh It was about 'squirrel hunting'. I rest my case.
Cruxis Gypsy: Sheesh…Grum-py.
Lloyd: I thought it was great! I love the part when the squirrel goes for Zelos!
Zelos: Hey!
Sheena: Same!
Regal: It…It was…certainly different…
Centauri Cruxis Angel Cruxis Gypsy: Just wait 'till chapter three! MUHAAHAAHAA!
Everyone: …
Cruxis Gypsy: I encourage you to RR these! It makes a difference! We also need donations too… Hahaha!
