Spoot: Please just let me DIE!

Loki: In time. *Tightens chains*

Slap Chop

Loki marched up to the chamber that housed Heimdall. He crossed his arms once he came to a stop behind the huge man. "I am not some mongrel that can just be summoned by whistle alone." He snarled out. Heimdall didn't look away from watching the stars. "Apparently you can because here you are." Loki's brow augmented into an arch as his eye twitched. "What exactly did you want, you over grown turtle!" He snapped, already fed up with the other man and it had just been seconds. Heimdall looked to him and smirked. "You like causing trouble…"

"Duh." Was all the deity had as response. There was a chuckled before Heimdall spoke. "Then you'll just love this. That lady friend of yours has just invited another man into her dwelling place. She even knows him by name." The smirk on Heimdall's face was enough to show he was being playful, but Loki took this way too seriously. This was something he did not expect. "Open the Bifrost, I wish to eat this man's heart upon roasting it respectively…" Heimdall jumped a bit in surprise. "You really care this much for the young Darcy!" He gasped out as he put the sword in it's place.

Loki stepped into a street lamp's glow and adjusted his headdress. He turned a bit, watching two degenerate men walk by. He took note of what they were wearing and used his magic to combine styles so he could blend in, like Darcy always commanded. He sneered at the ripped jeans and odd saggy baggy t-shirt that displayed a name on it. He wasn't sure who Tool was but decided to ask later. He approached the door and lifted a hand. Before he knocked he looked back over his shoulder at a blue vehicle. He recalled Darcy calling them muscle cars. This must have belonged to that man that had come to call on his woman. A smirk grew across his face.

"I'll get it. Maybe whoever it is can shut this shit show down." Darcy barked at the man in her living room. She opened the door and jumped as a breath caught in her throat. "Loki!" She yelped. He pushed passed her and eyed the man. "Good evening Lady Darcy…and you are?" The man wiped his hand on his pants then held it out. "Auh, sup. Ethan. That's me. Oh hey, you like Tool? Bitchen." Loki ignored the hand and looked to Darcy. "That ugly blue vehicle outside. Is it yours?" He asked the man behind him. "Uuuh…yeah? Am I blocking you?" She was shooting Loki a questioning look. "No." He said simply, looking over his shoulder. "You were…double parked." There was that smirk.

Ethan rushed the window then let out a pained yell. "BLUE! Noo!" Loki chuckled as he looked back at Darcy. He was sure she would be amused by the destruction as well, but she was stern. Hands on hips and lips tight in a line. Loki began to contort into confusion. "What have I done now?" He barked. She ignored him. "Ethan, I'm sorry. I'll pay for whatever he did." She said, leaving his side and coming to the other man's aid to comfort him. This was unheard of! "I won't stand for this!" Loki barked. Darcy shot him a look and told him to sit instead. He actually did as instructed, taking the first seat he could find. "I don't like him." He murmured, watching his lady tend to another man.

"Who is this guy!? Why did he trash my ride!? What did I ever do to you!" The man wailed. Darcy sighed and held out a hand. "Ethan…this is Loki, he's my…eh?" She looked in thought for a while, searching for the proper title. They had never really settled on that. "This him? This the new boyfriend Jane talked about? Thor's brother?" Ethan barked as he looked up at her. She looked to him and opened her mouth. Before she could speak Loki took precedence. "I'll have you know, I am a man you irrelevant twit!"

"LOKI!" Darcy yelped. She couldn't believe he would ever…wait, take that back. He was approaching slowly, trying to intimidate Ethan with his presence. "And as for where I stand with the Lady Darcy…she is in waiting. And I am a suitor…so…" He got right in the other man's face now, towering over him. "Get….out…" He hissed. Ethan scrambled his way out from under the other man and scampered to the door. "WAIT!" Darcy barked and pulled the man into her. Loki stood there in front of them, mouth agape.

"Ethan wait. I'm sorry." She turned to the other man and narrowed her eyes. "I don't think I like this side of you. Ethan is my ex…sure. And yah…he was here trying to get me back…but-wait! How the hell did you even know he was here?!"

"I didn't." Loki lied. "I came calling." He snapped with the cross of his arms. "Funny. My cell didn't go off." She sneered. His brow arched. "Well no, I don't have one of those phones. So I did not technically ring you. I mean I came to collect you." Her stature altered into utmost sass. "Ooh! Collect me?! Oh way to cross the line, shit on it then kick up your heels! What an ass hole!"

"I would never come to collect you."

"Shut up Ethan." She barked over her shoulder without taking eyes off Loki. "You can't come collecting what doesn't belong to you dumbass! I'm not your property! I'm not some trophy or whatever! I'm a woman! A person and people don't get treated like that!" Loki held his hands up slowly and nodded, taking heed. "Agreed. They do not. You misunderstand…" He sighed and lowered his head, allowing himself to be defeated instead of continuing the argument.

"Perhaps I should have rang. Or sent one of those electronic letters…" He looked up with his eyes in hopes to incite her. "You mean an E-Mail? Do you even have a computer?!" She barked. His brow furrowed and he shook his head. "No, what for?" Her eyes rolled and she turned back to Ethan. "Just go. I'll give you some money for an Uber or something." She escorted him to the door and stood, lingering as he called on a ride from this man named Uber. Loki watched them exchange farewells, confused as to why she kept apologizing. Once he was out the door and she was sure he was safe in another car…she shut the door ominously and turned to him.

He stood in the middle of the room feeling so tiny he felt he was actually shrinking. The way she glared at him had him searching the room for the shocker she used. He knew he was about to get a jolt. It already happened twice during times spent together. She took a step forward and he instinctively curled in on himself and transformed into a wolf. Usually this preoccupied her and swayed her anger. Not this time. "Run…" She said in a deep dark whisper…and he took off across the room, scuttling into another on all fours.

Footsteps came closing in and could be heard soon, close to the door Loki was hiding behind. He hunkered down and looked through the crack at the bottom just in time to see feet block some light. He sat upright with haste and settled into the back of the tiny room, hiding behind coats and clothing. He covered his face with a sweater, noting it smelled like her. This action gave his position away. The door swung open and he held his breath.

Darcy scanned the closet then spotted boots she didn't own. "Get out here." She said softly. Her voice was calm but disconcerting. Loki learned right away that her anger was unlike anything he had ever encountered. She could have a smile on her face while she stabbed at you with a fork. He shifted his feet and masked his voice with Jane's. "Darcy, it's me! Chillax. I'm just borrowing a sweater. I can totally fill this one out better than you can." Darcy rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone. "Totally?" She asked playfully as she dialed a number…

"Totally! Dude my bre-tits are way bigger than yours!"

"Dude, harsh." Darcy said in mockery. She was a damned good actress. She put the phone on speaker and waited for an answer. Loki listened to the muffled ringing sounds and searched his mind for something better to get away with. "Dars? The hell it's almost three in the morning-ARE YOU OK!?"

"Totally fine, hey, that sweater you wanted to borrow…"

"I don't want to borrow a sweater Darcy. Your boobs stretch everything out so when I wear your stuff I look like a twelve year old boy." There was a deadness to the sound around them suddenly. Darcy had hung up. "Oh man…Jane…nice try." She muttered. Loki cleared his throat as he pulled his feet into hiding. He masked his voice again with someone else they knew. "Eeehh Darcy! Thank goodness. Listen I'm stuck here in this closet, trying my damndest to calibrate this…well, it's pretty scientific my girl you wouldn't understand. Please don't come in here looking for me, I'm naked."

"Doc…" She muttered, not falling for it, but letting him think. "Yes! Correct. Selvage! Yes! That's me! So…carry on my girl, I'm alright!" She smirked. He got his name wrong. Perfect. "So you forgot your own name again?" She asked, baiting the hook. "YES! Of course, after what Loki did…to my brain, its Swiss cheese in there!" She rolled her eyes again and reached through the coats, grabbing him by the ear and pulling him out. "Come out of the closet we know already!" She barked.

He flailed and blocked his ribs instinctively. That's where she liked to zap him. She just let him go and stepped back, crossing her arms. "Out with it." She ordered. "Alright…" He sputtered as he fiddled with his fingers. "Out with it you say. Well…out with it I shall commence…as soon as I understand as to which it is I am to be putting out…" He knew he made absolutely no sense. And she wasn't persuaded by his absurdity. Her expression made that clear.

He looked up at her with sheepish eyes. "My Rose, please…" He began, but the words caught somewhere and he stood there, mouth open in silence. She cocked her head to the side a bit but nothing more. He sucked in a breath and nodded. "Right. Out with it." He repeated. "I assume you're angry because I destroyed that twit's vehicle." He eyed her again, but she was shaking her head. He blinked a few times and swallowed down dry air.

"Alright. So that was just a fraction of what you're angry about. If you could indulge me…" He looked up again to see she was shaking her head. Once more he swallowed back the nervousness. "Was it…the threats? Because I wasn't serious." He looked up again in hopes that she would yield. No reward. She still stood there firm. "I don't know what you want." He sputtered out. "Not once…" She began, cutting him off. "Not once did you say you were sorry. Not to him. To me! You came barging into my house…to collect me!"

"Is that what this is-"

"Not even close!" She snapped. "Shut up and let me finish. You pull some bullshit stunt coming in here like this, and you were rude as hell to Ethan! Jealousy right?!" He had to tilt his head, confused as to what she meant. "You don't even know! You cant even tell you're doing it! Oh…my god, Oh hell naw! I don't like this side of you! You're like a child! So what, I had some dude in my crib! That doesn't give you the right…"

"You have no right…" He said suddenly, taking her by surprise. "I'm your suitor…and you allowed another man into your chambers." He looked into her eyes. "Respect seems to be a concept lost to you, such as jealousy is one lost to me. I did not appreciate hearing you were inviting a man into the home you invite me into. You belong to me! The very ground you walk on belongs to me! Every thread piecing together your garment belongs…to me!" Her eyes were wide, and this is where their relationship altered. That slap could be heard from down the street.

He reached up and touched his cheek delicately as he looked to her with wide eyes. He was horrified. She too looked aghast at her actions. "You struck me…" He whispered. "I can't believe I did….I can't believe you made me so mad I hit you!" She blurted, causing him to recoil in confusion. "I'm…sorry? I think? I dunno this is new to me." She looked to him and her expression softened. She took his hand from his face and looked over the red spot.

"Where was it in the conversation, at which point. When you decided you needed to attack…" He muttered. She shook her head and sighed. "I dunno…you're over there spittin' some crazy shit. Like…um, seriously? I don't belong to you!" She snapped, now returning to the anger from before. He put a hand up, showing her his palm, like trying to gain trust of a beast.

"But you do. I have decided it." He said softly, purity in his voice. She inspected his palm then looked up at him. "You cant do that. I mean I guess if I were from Asgard, sure. And like, I guess I would dig it y'know! Like that would make me moist. But! But I'm human dude! So…it doesn't work!"

"Then how else can I explain it?" He was sincere. He really wanted to find a better way. To bridge their cultural gap, like Thor had with Jane. Not that he wanted what they had, he preferred the way things were with Darcy. Well...when they were going well enough. She inspected his face again and sighed in content when she noticed the redness from the slap had vanished. "I dunno…" She said quietly, looking in his eyes. "What the hell are you even trying to say?"

He thought a moment then answered. "I'm trying to say you're mine." He said simply, but that was no better, her expression told him thus in time. He nodded. "No good? Hmm…What is it your people say when they wish to set forth a lifelong bond." Her head twitched so hard her cheeks jiggled. "DID YOU JUST!" She bellowed and he looked to her with a blank expression. "Did I just what…"

"Did you…just…JAAAANEEE!" She screeched, but remembered the woman was off with Thor at the Avenger's compound. Loki was almost confused, almost. But instead of furthering that state…he laughed. "Why are you so perplexed?! I'm simply staking claim!" He laughed hard, unable to finish. He didn't even notice she was on her phone now.

"I THINK HE WANTS TO MARRY ME!"

"Darcy! It's three in-WHAAAAAAAT!"

"He…said…he…" She shoved the phone in Loki's face. "TELLHERWHATYOUSAID!" She hollered out in one breath. He took the phone and inspected it then spoke. "I demand we form a lifelong bond. I want her to be mine but she refuses." He said simply, like that wasn't the weirdest most romantic thing in the world. "Oh yah. Totally proposed to you." Jane choked out. "Well what are you gunna do!" Darcy snatched the phone back, flailing and struggling to catch it after losing grip. She caught it before it hit the floor. Now on her knees, she spoke again.

"I dunno?! What do I do?! Like, this is crazy right?!"

"Allow me." Came Thor's voice. He cleared his throat. "Darcy. Say yes." The room was quiet for a second then she looked up. "Why yes?" She asked. "Simple." He said, "He adores you. Always had a fondness to be honest. He'll tell you outright, won't you brother!?"

"Indeed."

"See. And I can see it in your eyes. You adore him as well. Asgardians don't normally get flustered about these things. It's a simple matter. Love is precious and a bond is more so. Now…tell him yes so we can get back to sleep hence forth." She stared up at Loki in a stupor. Say yes. Simple enough to an Asgardian, sure. But to a chick from earth, that was a huge deal. Some overpoweringly romantic dude just offered his hand. That was monumental to her. Especially her.

"Say yes Dars. I gotta work in the morning." Jane spoke finally. Darcy hung the phone up by throwing it across the room without breaking eyes with Loki. This amused him so he smiled. He offered his hand and she took it. He got her to her feet and held her steady. "I'm sorry. I suppose I should try and blend in better. Your customs are still a blur." He chuckled a bit when she swayed again. He held firm to her shoulders until he was sure she could stand on her own.

When she found herself again she turned and staggered across the room and plopped down on the couch. "If I say yes. Then what?" She asked, looking up, watching him approach. "Well…then , upon agreeing, I'll take you to Asgard and we'll recite vows. It's really that simple. Then you'll be mine. You'll be a queen might I add…" His tone was sly. She jerked her head his way and locked eyes. "Sold!" She barked then shook her head. "Wait whoa…easy Darcy…" She muttered to herself, going back to staring blankly at the television.

"Wish for me to make it work? Turn it on?" He asked as he took up the remote. Bruce had taught him about TV…and it was a guilty pleasure of his now. He hit the power button and some infomercial filled the room. "Oooh Slap Chop!" Loki sang out as he sat on the floor. Bothered not by her indecision. She blinked a few times and watched him engage in a crappy broadcast. Was he for real? This was new. All this time he was this mature, yet playful man. And here he was…sucked in by the Slap Chop.

Her brow arched as she eyed him up and down. He was perfect for her, she decided. He was smart, strong, protective. He had a way with words that most times had her confused, but it worked both ways. He was romantic when he wanted to be, and always gentle with her. There was an air of mystery about him that could draw her in…and now…he liked shitty infomercials. "Yes." She said simply.

THE END

Spoot: PLEASE LET ME GO!

Loki: *yanks chains* Quiet you.