Author's notes:
Thanks for all the kind comments... feel like I'm back with old friends!
Still busy, so can only do weekly updates at best.
Hope you like it! / Espero que gostem da história!
Tilly wakes up from a sound sleep and, for a moment, can't work out where she is. The room is dimly lit. A streetlight sited directly outside the window creates a faint, orange glow through the lightweight claret-coloured curtains and a digital alarm clock casts a metallic glare onto the lower part of the room on Jen's side of the bed.
As her eyes adjust to the dimness, the events of the previous day filter steadily back into Tilly's consciousness. Maddie and Neil are dead and she is in Jen's bed - somewhere she had sworn to herself that she would never venture again.
Tilly looks across at Jen who is curled into a foetus position facing away from her. She starts to reach out but stops herself before touching Jen's hair. 'What am I doing?' Tilly thinks to herself. 'I've been here before and it didn't end well.' She sits up and peers over the top of Jen to see what time it is. The clock says 4.15am. Tilly resists the temptation to wake Jen and decides she will make good on her promise to leave before the household awakes.
Tilly dresses herself quickly and heads to the bedroom door. She listens carefully before opening it, not relishing the thought of meeting Diane on her way out. The house is eerily silent. She takes a last, regretful look at the sleeping Jen, then slowly opens the door and creeps out, closing it gently behind her.
This is not her first time sneaking out of Jen's bedroom when the house is in darkness. When they had been together during the summer, a couple of times they had thrown caution to the wind and Tilly had ended up staying over. The risk of getting caught had lent an exciting, if frightening intensity to their relationship which had thrilled Tilly. She has no such feelings now as she preys for an incident-free exit. Jen had shown her which were the creaky parts of the stairs to avoid. She makes her way down them quickly and is traversing the kitchen/living room stealthily when she is stopped short by a voice coming from the couch.
"Jen, is that you?" Asks a groggy voice. Tilly freezes... her heart in her throat.
Before she can do anything, a light switch is flicked revealing her statue-like in the middle of the kitchen/living room only a few short steps shy of the front door and escape. Tilly looks over to see Sinead who is sitting up and staring at her in alarm.
"TILLY!"
"Shhhh!" Hisses Tilly, looking back at the stairs in fright.
"What are you doing here... where... have you just come from?" Asks Sinead in confusion.
"Please Sinead... you can't tell your Mum."
Sinead is quick to draw the only possible conclusion. "You've been with JEN? Are you joking me?" Says Sinead not even trying to hide her contempt.
"Please be quiet.. you'll wake the whole house!" Says Tilly in hushed tones joining Sinead on the couch.
"How long has this been going on?" Demands Sinead, in a harsh whisper.
"Just... just last night. I was really upset about the accident." Explains Tilly wondering if she'll get away with her rather large omission.
"Did she take advantage of..." Starts Sinead.
"NO! No, please it's not like that. Look, Sinead, I know you don't like her... but if anything... it was me... I kind of pushed things. Oh, please, please don't tell anyone. I don't even know... what happened. But I'm not a kid... And no-one took advantage of me." Insists Tilly.
"Alright, but... seriously Tilly...you need your head examined if you're even thinking about seeing her. She's ... weird! AND... she's our teacher!" Says Sinead, still flabberghasted but, thankfully, much quieter now.
"I know, I know!" Says Tilly, more gently.
Relieved now. "How are you doing anyway? Having trouble sleeping?" Tilly enquires, gesturing at the couch where Sinead had clearly camped out under a blanket in favour of going to her own bed.
"When I close my eyes, I'm back there again, watching the van go up in flames with Neil still inside... and Maddie getting crushed by that ..." Sinead swallows back tears and Tilly is in danger of joining her. Tilly rubs her palm soothingly up and down Sinead's back and they both fall silent.
After a long pause. "There's something else Tills..." Says Sinead, softly.
"What?" Asks Tilly.
"I'm pregnant!" This time Sinead can't hold back the tears and she falls against Tilly who holds her whilst she sobs quietly against her shoulder. When the tears subside a little. Tilly asks "God Sinead! Have you told Bart?"
"The thing is... they all think it's his... but Tilly, it's not!" Admits Sinead in a ghostly whisper.
"Not Bart's? Then who?" Asks Tilly, softly.
"Look, you can't tell anyone either!" Sinead threatens. "I slept with someone... at the party at Callum's house a few weeks ago. I was mad at Bart for being doped up on weed the whole time...Oh God, I'm so stupid... What've I done? What am I gonna do now?" Sinead starts weeping again, this time with her head in her hands. Tilly drapes her arm around her, not sure what to say. Both girls sit up sharply though when they hear a noise from upstairs.
"Here, you'd better go.. it could be Mum." Says Sinead, quietly urgent.
"Thanks." Whispers Tilly. "I'll call you later, OK?"
Sinead nods as Tilly exits without a noise.
On the other side of the door. Tilly pauses. 'Great!' she thinks. 'What a mess!' She consoles herself with the thought that at least they have both shared their secrets. She is worried though. Sinead is not known for keeping confidences.
A few hours later...
Jen turns over, not quite awake and reaches out to where Tilly had been only a few hours before. She is surprised to find the bed empty. She sits up and looks around, noting that Tilly's clothes and bag are now gone. She sighs and rubs her temples. She has a pang of regret that Tilly has left but at the same time feels a touch of relief. At the hospital, she had expected Tilly to shun her again and was pleased - delighted even - that Tilly had turned to her as a source of comfort. But then, ending up in bed together was probably not all that wise given what they had been through over the last few months. Jen could still vividly recall Tilly's coldness, her refusal to let Jen explain her actions and, worst of all, her threats to expose Jen to the college faculty and anyone else who will listen.
And yet... she had been unable to resist Tilly pleading with her to stay.
Tilly had started crying again when they got to the bedroom and Jen had gently helped her to undress and had climbed into bed with her and held her until she cried herself to sleep.
"I'm so glad you weren't in the crash Tilly..." She had whispered on an impulse. But Tilly hadn't made a sound so Jen assumed that her words had gone unheard.
Jen hadn't been able to sleep though and had gently extricated herself from Tilly as soon as she was certain that Tilly was fast asleep. When she heard Diane and Sinead come back from the hospital she was afraid that Diane might knock on her door and so had headed off that possibility by getting up and greeting them downstairs. She had made a fuss of them both, re-heating the food and making hot drinks for all of them.
When she had come back to bed, Tilly was in a deep sleep and didn't even stir when Jen got back into bed and put a protective arm across her.
'What now?' Thinks Jen. She wonders about calling Tilly or sending a text until she remembers that she deleted Tilly's number a few months ago in a fit of pique and has no other record of it. She imagines Tilly has probably done the same with her own.
Guiltily she spies her - as yet unpacked - overnight bag in the corner of the room. 'You've just started a brand new, very promising relationship and yet you end up in bed with Tilly.' Jen ponders on the fact that she hasn't spared her new love interest a second thought since the moment she set eyes on Tilly in the hospital yesterday. She can only conclude that she still has feelings for her former lover and much stronger ones than she would have been prepared to admit only a few days ago. She shakes her head. She is glad Liam is away. She can only imagine what he would have to say about all this if he found out.
She curls a handful of her long, black hair around the tip of her finger... 'Well, I can't call her and if she doesn't call me then I guess I'll just see her at college on Monday and find out how the land lies then...'. It is an unsatisfactory plan since it leaves her in limbo for the whole of Sunday but she can't think of a sensible alternative, short of tracking Tilly down in person. She is tempted to do just that... Tilly had promised that they would talk after all, but somehow, in the cold light of day, she doesn't feel that would be a sensible move.
She clambers out of bed and starts to get ready for the day.
Meanwhile...
Tilly's Sunday has gone from bad to worse. After getting home from Jen's house, she had tried, unsuccessfully, to go back to sleep. She had tossed and turned for a while but then given up. She had showered and changed and then gone to call on Esther hoping to learn more about the crash. She had only received a partial story from Esther the day before in the hospital. Esther had mysteriously disappeared with Bart shortly after Tilly had met up with her.
When she arrived at Esther's house though, she had yet another shock when she learned that Jono had also become a victim of the crash. Although he had seemed OK immediately after the accident, he had a blood clot in his brain. He had died peacefully in Ruby's arms on the quayside but the aftermath that followed was anything but peaceful. When Tilly rang the doorbell at Ruby and Esther's house, Ruby was wailing and the household was in disarray. Tilly had been terribly upset at the loss of yet another of her group, but she didn't feel she could stay when Ruby was clearly distraught and Esther couldn't leave her. Tilly had left as soon as she could politely do so after offering her condolences to the family. Esther had promised to contact her once things had calmed down.
Back home, Tilly is at a loss now. Three of her best friends have died and she feels like she has no-one to turn to in her grief. Her family are away for the weekend and the house is a sad reflection of her feelings of sorrow and emptiness. She thinks about calling Sinead but is worried about their chance encounter from earlier in the morning. And besides, Sinead has enough going on with the pregnancy. She calls George, first on his mobile and, when he doesn't reply, tries his home number. Callum answers and tells her that George is OK physically, but that he is very upset and has gone to visit his family. Tilly commiserates briefly with Callum who, like her, feels a bit outside of things having also been absent from the scene of the accident.
When she hangs up the 'phone from Callum, she throws herself onto the couch in the front room. She picks up the remote control but before she can bring herself to turn it on, her thoughts drift back to Jen as she replays the night they had just spent together.
How wonderful it had felt to be cocooned in Jen's arms, her breath warming the back of Tilly's neck. Just as she had been drifting off she had heard Jen whisper that she was glad that Tilly hadn't been in the crash. The sentiment had made her want to cry again, but she fought her feelings and pretended to be asleep. When she did finally drift off, she had avoided the nightmares she had anticipated about the crash and, instead, Tilly had dreamt about the summer the two of them had spent together. Their secret meetings in the shack, the time that Jen had driven all the way to Abersoch to surprise her...All her senses partook in the recollection, the smell of Jen's perfume, the taste of her lips, the feel of her hands on the back of Tilly's neck, the way Tilly's stomach had lurched whenever Jen had entered a room...
How happy she had felt then, wanting the summer never to end. But, inevitably it had... and in the worst possible way for her and Jen.
When Tilly found out Jen had taken the job at Hollyoaks Sixth Form College, Tilly had felt betrayed. She had always worried that she had been head over heels in love with Jen and yet for Jen, she, Tilly was just a plaything - something to be tossed away carelessly whenever something or someone more important came along. Tilly couldn't understand why Jen had gone along with Tilly's plan about taking a trip together, all the while knowing that she was starting back at college in the Autumn which, of course, meant their time together would have to end.
Tilly thinks back to her behaviour when things had ended between them.
She had stolen Jen's car...told Jen in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see or talk to her again and threatened to publicise their relationship, acting as though Jen had somehow taken advantage of her pupil.
Looking back now, Tilly is mortified at how childish it all must have seemed to Jen. She wishes she could have been more mature, calmer, cooler... And yet, the hurt was - and still is - genuine. Jen had chosen her career over Tilly and failed to come clean for reasons that Tilly still couldn't comprehend. She had surprised herself yesterday, falling into Jen's arms like that at the hospital, as if the last few months of bitterness had just dissolved away. Jen's response had also been unexpected. She could have (maybe should have) pushed Tilly away instead of taking care of her so tenderly.
Unconsciously, Tilly has dropped the TV remote in favour of her 'phone. She finds her finger has been hovering over Jen's name in her list of contacts, ready to call. When she realises what she is doing, she snaps her 'phone shut. 'This can't go anywhere!' She says to herself out loud. 'Nothing has changed after all. I'm still her pupil'.
Tilly makes a decision. She will see Jen at college on Monday, thank her for her kindness, tell her that she is glad that they have moved on, but that she had been wrong to stay with Jen on Saturday night and that it will never happen again.
She feels suddenly guilty that her thoughts are focussed on Jen instead of her friends and the tragedy that has befallen them.
She tosses her phone to one side and sighs.
She collects the duvet from her bed and on the way back to the lounge, she stops by the freezer and extracts a tub of ice cream and a spoon. She returns to the couch, hides herself under the duvet clutching her ice cream and turns on the telly.
