Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gseed characters.. If ever I did… I would hook Lacus and Athrun together! WEEEEEEEEEE!
Warning: TOO much emotion
TAINTED
Written by PuRpLebLusH017
. : KIRA YAMATO : .
I'm hurt.
I've felt this kind of pain before. And I'm sure you must've felt it too.
The stinging pain that pierces through your heart. The constricted breathing you make. The gasps you utter and the twists and flips your stomach is making. The eyes filled with everlasting band of tears. The scream you vocalize as you wail in agony, desperately hoping that your voice will reach someone, SOMEONE who could make the pain go away. You cripple and bend on the floor, on the bed, on the couch. The aching head numbs your logical mind. And the feeling of helplessness is there by your side, strong and steady.
I'm feeling all of this again.
Sure, I've felt this a lot of times, it's like my routine visitor. The strange feeling comes back even though I shut the door. It always finds its way back in. It penetrates through me and the walls I built to secure myself shatter into pieces right before my eyes. And I again, am lost in this myriad of feelings.
This feeling started year's back, the moment I saw Athrun Zala, my friend, in the battlefield, in a soldier's suit, holding a knife. My eyes widen in shock when I realized that he and I are going to be enemies in this inconclusive war. I wasn't born to become a soldier, I wasn't trained to become one. But I found myself fighting for the Earth alliance.
People were killed, soldiers died. I killed some too and the guilt haunts me up until now. Countless of names were listed in the "Death" book and carved on a monument, in honor of them. Ashamedly, I put some innocent souls in there too. I didn't even know them, I didn't get the chance, because I had their blood on my hands.
Some of my friends' names are there too. Zaft killed them so I kill in return and the cycle goes on and on, connecting more bloodshed and chaos. Alas, the war stopped. I was relieved. Everyone rejoiced. And then, I found myself sanity, in the arms of the one person I shouldn't have fallen for.
Lacus Clyne.
Athrun Zala's ex-fiancée
My, Friend's ex-fiancee
She showered me with peace, serenity and tranquility. Something I couldn't attain myself. And she was willing to share some to me. She was always willing to give without anything in return. That was how she worked. She smiled my pain away. She'd laugh away my sorrow and she'd cleanse my mind. She was the only thing holding me together. Without her, I would simply start to fall apart.
I lover her
I do, and I love the man I become with her. I like being with her. She gave me everything. She gave me life. She gave me the reason to live again. She made me smile. She made me laugh, she made me something more than a man. She made me humane.
But as much as I hate to admit it, she only shares a piece of her with me. I only tasted a part of her heart, a fraction of her being. Because the bigger part of her is SOMEWHERE, in someone's care. Somewhere, far, far away from my reach. Someone, not me. And I wasn't blind to see that. I did notice this. But I was selfish. I wanted her. With her, I can be more. More than the coward hiding inside of me. More than the pathetic man I used to be. I need her. I need to be with her. Without her, I'll break.
I looked at her straight in the eyes. Her shining blue orbs twinkled in as she stared back. There was comfort and care in her eyes. "Marry me." I say as I hand out a box and opened it, revealing a diamond ring. She looked over at the ring, the way her eyes soften told me that there was uncertainty in her. "Marry me, Lacus."
She has always been kind, too kind for her own good. She's too innocent. Too pure. Too pretty. Too beautiful. Too giving. And she will always be.
She smiled at me as I put the ring on her engagement finger. "Of course, I will." She always gives. She is not selfish. Even her own pleasure and happiness, she's willing to throw it all away to make someone happy. Her own desires didn't matter.
I was going to marry her and yet, I don't own her heart. It didn't belong to me, much to my dismay. As much as I wanted to, I don't. I played ignorant, telling myself it didn't matter. She said 'yes' already. And in time, I'm sure, I'll occupy the throne in her heart. Her heart, the heart that belonged to—
Athrun Zala
"Lacus," I state, staring at the ceiling. She was playing with Mr Pink again. I have been thinking a lot lately. I seem to do that in the past few weeks. She looked over to me giving her undivided attention. With no words that followed after I called her, she stood up and went beside me. She knew something was troubling me. She knew. She knows me.
I couldn't be selfish anymore, I keep on telling myself. I couldn't—this was her life I was about to step on. And she deserve, she deserves to be happy. And that happiness was not in the realm of my world. I did not hold that kind of power. Her happiness was far, far away from me. Not with me. Not here in my arms. HE can make her happy, I couldn't. And she deserves to realize the fulfillment and joy of life. She doesn't need someone like me who clings to her for support, for sanity and peace.
Not with me.
I look away, opposite of her. The words were coming out, I knew and my traitorous body kept holding it back, pushing it downwards. Inside out I was dying.
"I want you to be happy, Lacus." I utter, eyes closed. My throat was dry and the words I digest tasted like venom. A poison I would later regret drinking and die upon. Because…
I was letting her go.
There he was, Athrun Zala, sitting beside the center table. He attended the party. I notice his stolen glances at Lacus. It hurts, to see him staring at her. Because, even with just sitting there, without doing anything, he wins her heart. He sat up straight and took his coat. He was leaving, and my traitorous legs went to stop him. "Athrun! Leaving so soon?" I startle him, and he bowed slightly, acknowledging me.
"uhh.." Athrun shutter "busy day tomorrow…" he tries to explain to me.
I clasped my hands together in front of him, shaking my head. "Just don't leave yet…" he tried to ignore me, I can tell. He had been avoiding me. "…truth be told… I want to ask for a favor…" Athrun flinched and looked away.
"You see... I have this errand to do and I received a call earlier that I need to attend to it right now…" I lie. There was something in his eyes that I cannot tell. He was in denial. He doesn't want to hurt me, even though he was hurting himself. He had been kind as well. He must be some saint.
"—I need you to watch out for Lacus at me!—" he stiffened upon hearing her name. "—and I need you to watch her for me! Just for tonight! Please?!?" I was now waving my clasped hands in front of his face like a kid. Childish acts were one of my unique personalities after all.
His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at the topic of our conversation. "Does she know?" he ask, pertaining to Lacus of course. He just had to know. I stare at his face, why does he have to hide his feelings? Why does he pretend? As if on queue, Lacus turns to look at us and gently smiled. I could see that she smiled at HIM, not me. It always seemed to be him, not me.
"Yes… I already told her… about everything…" there was that indescribable feeling once again. The pain was eating me. I, I have to do this. "Please say yes!!!" I started shaking him furiously. I was desperate. If he won't take this chance, I'll lock Lacus, ban her from seeing him again. Forever.
"…okay…" he said, looking at Lacus.
I try to smile, one did come out, but it was not a smile for happiness. I was giving him another shot for his happiness, to regain what he lost.
This was his last chance.
I went to Cagalli's place that night. She was surprised to see me in her front door, looking like shit. "Kira! W-what are you doing here?" she asked confused. She let me enter her house and I didn't feel like home. It wasn't home. "Isn't your engagement party tonight?" she asked again.
"It's okay." I smile weakly and asked for strong coffee. Maybe, somehow, I could get a hug from my sister later. A comforting hug, one I need.
That night, I fought the strong urge to go back and take Lacus back. Take everything back. Stop time and be with her forever. What have I done? What did I just do?
Her happiness
It should matter more than my selfish desires. She gave me a lot, offered me more and it was now my time to return the favor to her. She has done well and she deserves to be getting the best. Everything she wants, everything she need, she like, she deserves to have it. Because, she's a pure, kind-hearted woman.
I couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Athrun was there beside her side right now. I couldn't stop. What could they have possibly be doing right now? That night, that very same night, I was wide awake. I don't know if it was the coffee or what, but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't. My eyes were open, my mind was working up until the sun rose the next day.
Cagalli was frantic. She yelled and screamed and shouted, searching for me. She saw me on the window, leaning beside it, overlooking her wonderfully done garden outside. "KIRA!" she screamed, panting. I know what she was going to say, and I wish I was wrong. How can I forget? I planned the whole thing all along didn't I?
"Athrun and LACUS are MISSING! She screamed. "YOUR FIANCEE IS KIDNAPPED BY ATHRUN!" she repeated. "KIRA!!" she probably wanted to see a more decent and proper reaction from me. The reaction people will give in this kind of situation would be acting all murderously and go on a killing rampage just to find his woman. I would have done that. I could have reacted that way. I should have, I have the right, I am her fiancée after all.
But I didn't.
I smile at my sister, the hug was sounds really tempting now.
"That's…okay…"
I chocked, my voice was unsteady and everything was blurry. Her eyes widen in shock upon hearing my strange reaction and she flew into my arms and I lean for support. The hug was warm and delightful in its own way, just as I imagined, but not like Lacus' hug, which was more comforting.
"That's…okay…"
I repeat to myself.
I felt the stinging pain that pierces through my heart. The constricted breathing I make. The gasps I utter and the twists and flips my stomach is making. My eyes were filled with everlasting band of tears. The scream I vocalize as I wail in agony, desperately hoping that my voice will reach someone, SOMEONE who could make the pain go away. I cripple and bend on the Cagalli's arms. The aching head numbed my logical mind. And the feeling of helplessness is there by my side, strong and steady.
And the whirlwind of pain came coming back, knocking my walls down.
I was smiling.
Inside, I was dying.
I am hurt again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Purpleblush: oh God, I just updated! OMG! Hahahahaha. Sorry for the long, long, long, long delay. I didn't mean to! I SWEAR! Smiles everyone, this was a sad chapter, so, let's start eating sweets!
Kindly leave me your thoughts and constructive criticisms!
Please and thank you…
Love you all…
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