Title: 12 Step Death Decorum (or better known as Ladies in Red)

Rating: T, for language and sexual humor.

Summary: After-all, he did have some decorum, whether Lisbon believed it or not, for the dead.

Disclaimer: I'm parodying this. Obviously it's not mine.

A/N:

Thanks to AM, Ebony10, imadetheminmydreams, ness345, AnimeArchAngel, lucy, Simonisthecuttestmentalist, MK, Chiisana Minako, Frogster, Jisbon4ever, Aeryn Lavanthia, ShunKickShunKers, chocolateymania, waterbaby134, Mabeline36, Argovia, and JelloFrantic123 for reviewing the first part.

A very special thank you though goes to Chiisana Minako, who has been poking me for two weeks straight to finish the chapter I had saved on my computer—so that's where we are. I do have the next chapter partially completed, and it's slightly out of order with this one, but hey…parodies don't follow numbers and I've never been one for order anyway. ;)

I am not about to promise I'll update soon, but we'll see. Enjoy!


"Not sure why you all were called in, we can handle it..."

Jane grinned to himself as he followed the lady inspector and Lisbon up the steps, while she briefed them on the entire case so far—personally, he enjoyed law enforcement officials who argued about the jurisdictions to the SCU, because he could annoy them with his astonishing intelligence and dashing good looks without getting any grief from Lisbon or Minelli and further more, that astonishing intelligence could be used to seduce the petite woman over to his dark side, which involved many late evenings, a large bucket of strawberries, some hand melted chocolate and driving way over the speed limit.

Yup, Lisbon needed to live a little…and the dark side of Patrick Jane would provide her with just the opportunity to do so….but first, he needed a plan to seduce her there, and now, while scouring Jason Sands' office full of boats, probably wouldn't be the best time to map out a 12-step seduction plan. (After-all, he did have some decorum, whether Lisbon believed it or not, for the dead.)

Instead, he just decided to take pity on all three of them in locating the missing body. "He's still here."

Rigsby and the lady inspector glanced at him, while Lisbon just kept her eyes scouring around the room.

"Unless he's invisible, he's not Agent Jane." Jane beamed, because honestly; Agent Jane, had an extremely nice ring to it…

"He's not an agent, he's a consultant." Lisbon corrected, and the investigator glanced at Jane, who begrudgingly nodded.

"…just until they allow me to have a gun license, that is." He continued to beam brightly, as he lowered his voice. "They don't let me carry a badge, I'm not allowed to be a hard ass in any form of the word, as apparently being a hard ass should be left up to Agent Lisbon; they also don't give me dental, and my health care plan was better when I was pretending to speak to dead people for a living, because quite honestly, dead people can't kill you..."

"You were unemployed." Lisbon cut in.

"Exactly!" Jane responded. "Do you know how much they took out of my paycheck per week for that?" He paused to let them have a chance to answer, and when they didn't, he responded. "That's right, I'm poor."

"Wait a minute," Rigsby interrupted, and Jane glanced at him. "You don't get paid; Minelli said you were doing this out of a civil service to…"

"Yes, the civil service of Patrick Jane's bank account." Jane expressed, and at Rigsby's look, he continued on. "If you don't believe me, ask Minelli—he'll tell you that it's a charitable society to donate to…"

"Oh yes," the lady investigator interrupted the argument between consultant and agent, who wasn't Lisbon. "They told me about you; the psychic who's in love with a state agent." Lisbon glanced up from the wreckage on the ground to raise her eyebrows at the both of them.

"For your sake, Jane—I really hope by state agent, she means Van Pelt there." Jane smirked.

"My lips are sealed, Lisbon, sealed."

So after a few more minutes of deciding that bookcases can indeed move, even with Jane punching random numbers on the safe remote (at one point, he realized that the number 555-5555 was not going to work) before he figured the code out using none other than a picture of a sailboat. Once the bookcase opened, they found Jason Sands and while the dead was nothing to grin at, he found himself unable to contain a small impish grin at the mere thought of being one step closer to seducing the woman completely.

"At least no one tried calling out Marco Polo." She only stared at the body and didn't even spare him a glance or, the Lisbon® eye roll, which he still hadn't perfected.

-Sometime Later at the Funeral of Jason Sands-

"Why did she invite us to the funeral? We don't even know her and besides that, none of our other murder victim families have ever invited us to their victim's funerals…" Lisbon elbowed the whining Jane lightly.

"I don't know why, Jane." Lisbon seemed aspirated, and the bagpipe players continued to play on. "Maybe it's another one of those "mysterious plotlines" that you keep telling me about…and, as I recall…we were invited to one other funeral before."

"Lisbon," Jane shook his head. "That wasn't a funeral."

"Yes, it was."

"No, it wasn't." Lisbon glanced at Jane, who eyed her.

"Then what was it?"

"I thought we were going to a bake sale, and I personally thought that the casket was milk chocolate…" Lisbon silently groaned.

"…although, I wondered why the dirt didn't taste like Oreos…" Lisbon moved her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"...the worms weren't exactly gummy either..." She moved her hand to smack him, but then she seemed to the notice that the both of them were at a funeral, and it probably wouldn't be very professional to smack your co-worker around, even if it was Jane and most people would agree on her behalf.

"...and that tombstone wasn't exactly ice cream either...that's exactly why the bureau wouldn't give me dental." Lisbon ignored him, as the bagpipe music stopped and everyone rose from their chairs to give condolences to the widow, Jennifer Sands.

Rigsby interrupted the argument between consultant and boss, before it could turn into further sexual tension. "I look around I don't see anyone here who would torture a man with pliers and a lit cigar."

"Picture them naked and ravenously hungry..." Jane's comment gained a few eyebrow raises. "It works for me every time."

"Ew." Van Pelt responded and Jane grinned.

"Strictly speaking, he wasn't tortured to death; he bled to death in his hidey-hole there." Cho answered, making a hand motion that mirrored one of The Claw.

"Guy has himself to blame then?"

"Kinda."

Eventually, Lisbon and Van Pelt left the boys to watch over the rest of funeral—to which Rigsby only stared at Van Pelt's retreating backside.

"Van Pelt, you're killing me."

"Apparently it works for Rigsby also." Jane stated, and Rigsby turned to look at him in confusion. "It's okay, I won't tell Van Pelt that you secretly imagine her naked and..."

"Too much information, Jane." Cho chided. "Way too much information."

"What?" Jane feigned innocence. "I was only being truthful." The three began to move toward the refreshment table, and Jane cornered Rigsby, who was eating something. "Can I ask you a..."

"No."

"Can I...?"

"No."

"Well..."

"No."

"Have you told her how you feel?" Rigsby narrowed his eyes in lieu of the question.

"Didn't I tell you no?"

"Yes," Jane confirmed, with a nod. "But...in the favor of having nothing else to do, I'm going to ignore you and press right on...being completely and totally aware that at any time, you could technically shoot me."

"It's against the rules."

"I would hope so." Jane mused, out loud. "If you shot me, you'd probably have one angry Lisbon..."

"She wouldn't be angry." Cho interrupted, as he joined the two conspirators. "She'd be halfway to Mexico, throwing a party with a Jane-shaped piñata and a very sharp stick."

"I meant," Rigsby continued. "She's a coworker—it's against the rules."

"Lisbon going to Mexico isn't against the rules." Jane rephrased. "Unless...you're in love with Lisbon..." Rigsby ignored Jane's comment, to which Jane narrowed his eyes. "You are, aren't you?"

"He's obviously not in love with Lisbon, considering he stares at the back of Van Pelt's neck for hours on end." Rigsby threw Cho a dirty glare, whose lips twitched into a small smile of amusement.

"Well then," Jane stated, as if it was the most obvious thing to do in a situation like that. "You've got to seduce her..."

"Seduction's not my strong point..."

"Meh, seduction's easy...once you know the basic principles." Rigsby and Cho raised their eyebrows. "There's nothing to it."

"If it's so easy, then why don't I see a crowd of women following you around and why aren't you with Lisbon right now?"

"To answer your first question, I do. They're called 'fan girls', and they follow me around everywhere I go—it's the price to pay for looking so good, and essentially, after Lisbon comes to her senses and admits that our game is more than a game, people will follow her around and they'll write stories about us….lucrative hearsay, of course." Jane told Rigsby, before he narrowed his eyes. "…and lastly, who said we aren't together?"

"The boss." Cho gave. "Five minutes before the funeral, Lisbon said: "Jane and I aren't together, and we never will be together, no matter how sexually charged innuendoes he has up his sleeve."."

"I must have missed that memo, and never, really? I thought she enjoyed our sexually charged innuendoes." Jane answered, with a slight shake of the head before he grinned at Rigsby. "Anyway, do you want to know the principles?"

"Fine, I'll bite—what's the basic principle?"

"It'll cost you a dollar."

"For what?"

"If I ever manage to send a car over a cliff, I'll need something to start paying it back with..."

"If you manage to do that, Lisbon will kill you; I doubt you want to piss her off anymore." Rigsby argued.

"Wanna bet?"

"I'm already giving you a dollar." Rigsby groaned. "…and just because I'm a state agent does not mean my wallet is overflowing with an abundance of cash; Jane, honestly, how much money do you think I'm…"

"We'll discuss this at a later time. We'll set up a payment plan or something…" Jane interrupted, as Rigsby handed over the dollar and Jane pocketed it. "Anyway, love and affection."

"I want my dollar back."

"No." Jane argued. "It's collateral, and quite frankly, I don't believe that you listen to half of the things I say to you. So, I'm going to start charging you all for my theories." Rigsby shook his head.

"I gave you a dollar for advice that anyone who spends an hour on Google could find?"

"Well, that's your fault—I'm sure your fancy phone could have saved you money, but look at it this way, you now have one less dollar to spend at the HQ vending machine." Jane insulted. "But…just so you'll stop your whining—I bet you one-hundred more of these dollars, that I can seduce any woman here."

"Okay." Rigsby spoke, as he glanced around before with a grin blossomed on his face. "The widow."

Cho, Rigsby nor Jane moved for a few seconds until Jane grinned brightly and started toward the widow, ignoring Rigsby's hushed calls of his name. Cho shook his head, before he glanced at Rigsby.

"You should probably start planning your funeral, especially when Lisbon hears about this…" Rigsby glanced at Cho, before he glanced at Jane.

"How bad could it be?" Rigsby asked, and Cho raised an eyebrow. "Oh wait, it's Jane. Never mind."

Meanwhile; Jane, who had never been one to turn down a bet from either Rigsby or Cho, waltzed right up to the widow, and told her in front of her deceased husband's casket (which to Jane's ultimate disappointment was made of metal) that up close, she was very beautiful. He wasn't even listening as he was being told off, as he silently apologized to Lisbon, though he wasn't apologizing because of the lawsuit that was bound to come from this, but instead, because Lisbon could never compare to this woman, as Lisbon was drop-dead gorgeous and he had an odd feeling that Lisbon wouldn't appreciate him seducing other women.

But, on the other hand...he needed the one hundred dollars more.

"Looks like you own me one hundred bucks." Rigsby told Jane, after he and Cho had saved Jane from being apprehended by security.

Jane only slyly grinned. "Early days Rigsby, early days."

-CBI Headquarters, Sacramento-

Minelli let into Jane and Lisbon upon Jane's return from the funeral; of course everyone knew that leaving Jane at any event with anyone but Lisbon, for an extended amount of time spelled out disastrous results. Honestly though, it humored him immensely that Minelli allowed him to make Lisbon's life a misery, but the last time he had checked—Lisbon wasn't exactly complaining too much about having, as she often stated to anybody who would listen, a personal torture device around. It also humored him that Minelli would throw him to the wolves, due to the image that it stirred up; the older boss, picking him up and chucking him out the window, where carnivorous and very hungry wolves sat below. He almost whimpered, Lisbon save me, but from the gleeful expression written across her face—he decided against it.

Suddenly, Minelli's phone rang and not to Jane's surprise; Jennifer Sands wanted to hear an in-person, at her home apology.

He was going to win that money after all.

After he visited the widow to find she had a daughter who loved trolls, Jason Sands' was broke, and he did his superhero act of the day which involved no shimmery cape, anthrax, a few glances of paperwork and a mutter of shots; he left to head back toward his couch in the SCU to where Lisbon greeted him (and everyone else) with a lovely debriefing.

"Hey, are you sure the widow doesn't know where the money is?" Cho asked, after Lisbon had discussed all the boring stuff.

"No, she's generally broke and generally scared…" Lisbon glanced at him from her spot near Van Pelt's desk.

"You're not soft on her are you?"

"No," he responded, as a grin bloomed across his face. "Why? Does that make you a tad bit jealous?"

"You need to stay well away."

"Lisbon, she's a gorgeous grieving widow! If you were a grieving widow, I'd be all over you…" Lisbon narrowed her eyes.

"Should I make you go stand in the corner, as lecturing you is obviously not going to do anything?"

"Only if you'll go with me, my gorgeous grieving widow…"

"Jane, I'm not married."

"But you will be. Eventually, you and I; my dear, will be married and we'll have that white picket fence, and that dog and those 2.5 children…which I don't exactly understand how anyone can have 2.5 children, considering that…" Lisbon blinked. "It's okay Lisbon," Jane paused in his rant to address her. "It's hard to comprehend at first, but you and I will eventually be married and…" Lisbon threw him glare.

"In your dreams, Jane." She interrupted, seething. "Because…wouldn't that be considered incestuous…you call me 'mom' later on..."

"Ah, but Lisbon." Jane spoke with an impish grin, as he sat up on his couch to view her. "They're not dreams; those are the truths and aspirations that not separate us from one happy ending but they also are impossible to escape from…but don't worry, this isn't going to affect my…." Lisbon turned on her heel, and had already started back toward her office before she paused to face him.

"Is that so?" She asked, and he nodded. "Well then, this" she gestured toward her office. "…is me escaping from them." Jane replaced his grin with a small pout, as he watched her step into her glass cubical, and everyone else just snickered in return.

He only leaned back into the comfort of his couch; he'd find a way to make all of this up to her…and win that bet at the same time, after all—winning the bet was probably part of an underlying plot point, and he did love those underlying plot points.

Speaking of plot points….

OoO

A little while later, the three SCU members (Cho, Jane and Lisbon) found themselves on a yacht named "Princess", which Jane found to be quite humorous for a paper copy business until he found a gun in his face—in moments like this, because yes, it's almost every case that someone has a gun aimed at him, he always wondered why people were so adamant on using him as target practice, or as a hostage. Of course, Lisbon would probably never let him ask that of suspects, considering that it had nothing to do with their present investigation. Sheesh, she wouldn't even left him ask Adrianna Jonovic about Julie, Jason and Jennifer Sands' daughter, and when he finally did ask after all of the boring questions and the humorous thought of Van Pelt being a girl scout selling cookies, all Lisbon had to say was: "tell her not to leave town".

The mere thought made him laugh, as if any murder suspect left town with Patrick Jane around.

"Love and affection, eh?" Rigsby asked, humor in his voice as Jane returned and Jane merely grinned before Lisbon glanced up at him.

"It works so well for Lisbon and I…"

"…actually…" Van Pelt interrupted, to Jane's annoyance. "It's more of a hate and hate relationship…" Jane ignored her.

"Oh really? Well, I'm going to go out and advance the plotline some more by asking questions that nobody else understands while I flirt with the gorgeous grieving widow…"

"Okay." Lisbon answered, and Jane glanced at her.

"You're not going to lecture me?"

"Nope."

"…"

She glanced at him. "Considering that I'll have no control over you, ever; the very idea of a lecture at this point in our investigation, just seems pointless and time consuming." Rigsby nodded. "Plus, we are actually trying to do police work while you're out there trying to win the bet…"

"Wait, who told you about the bet?" Lisbon blinked.

"I can read minds now."

"…not until season…"

"Yes, I know." Lisbon interrupted. "Not until season 2; yes, we went over that eons ago—so now that you've managed to irritate me, and avoid a lecture—I assume you're going to leave and ask a question about Peter and the Wolf?" Jane nodded.

"It seems like the best question to ask, considering that only people who have seen it will know the answer… not all of us have the use of Google at our fingertips." Jane shrugged, as he lifted his jacket off the chair. "Have fun doing boring procedural work!" Jane left Lisbon, who shook her head.

After Jane visited Jennifer again, found out that the duck was indeed played by the bassoon and told her the bad news that her husband was cheating on her with some twenty-year old dancer who may or may not have the ten-thousand dollar nest-egg.

"Hold me, Patrick."

Jane glanced at her. "I don't think that's a good idea because you could be an axe murderer, and Lisbon taught me not to hug random strangers…but…" He reassured her with the upmost look of sincerity. "I wish I could." Jennifer ran off, crying and Jane just stared down at the floor. "Now, while I'm in here and taking my sweet time getting back to Lisbon—Rigsby and Van Pelt should be having their awkward moment…before it's ruined by an even more awkward chase scene…" Jane shook his head. "…then we'll do the entire "did you or did you not kill him?" game…only to get us nowhere, before we find that the daughter, Julie has been kidnapped." He sighed, as he stood from the couch and left the house only to be thrown into some undercover stunt in which he was wet, cold, Lisbon-less, privacy-invaded only to find Adrianna, waving a gun at him. Again.

"…this is why I need dental…" Jane muttered, as he glanced at the gun before he glanced at Adrianna. "You're going down the wrong road…"

"I'm not a kidnapper, do you think I want to do this…?"

"Personally, I have no idea—considering that you're the crazy woman waving a gun at me… but uh…tell me what's going on, I can help you." Adrianna glanced at him as if he were crazy.

"I don't know you, I don't trust you…"

"Well…that certainly sounds familiar." Lisbon breathed into Jane's earpiece, and Jane glanced in the direction the camera with an ill-hidden wink in her direction.

"You're just jealous that I'm sitting in the car, and you're sitting there with enough testosterone to drive you wild."

"What?" Adrianna asked, but before Jane could continue, she interrupted. "Never mind, just give me the diamonds so I can go save Julie." Jane handed them over after doing his whole switch-a-roo thing, which for all purposes, would only work on people with the mindset of a three year old in which she ended up with a water bottle and the fake diamonds in both her hands and he ended up with a gun and the cellphone.

"…HA!" Jane laughed, as he pointed the gun at her. "Who has the gun now? ME! That's right. I've got it turned on you while I'm forwarding the kidnapper's number; so Lisbon and her team of merry agent-men-women can rush in, burst down doors and shoot people before they save Julie—then, we'll just all end up at the hospital…forgetting how you turned a gun on a CBI consultant…because apparently turning a gun on me isn't good enough reason to arrest anybody."

"Sounds good to me." Adrianna agreed, to which Jane only sighed.

-Sometime Later, Hospital-

"So…we're just going to wrap this up now." Lisbon explained to Minelli. "Lawyer guy, Bennett killed Jason Sands for ten thousand dollars but we know he has a partner…so while Rigsby and I hide in the utility closet—Cho and Van Pelt can drop the name Wendy, then both of the women will be gone after the two come back to tell us about their acting roles—then Rigsby will look in, and our partner-murderer will be at the house…" Minelli looked skeptical. "Jane's idea…"

"Oh, well that makes more sense—you say you don't trust him, yet you let him come up with plots like these?" Lisbon shrugged.

"Somebody has to…"

"Good point, Lisbon." Minelli agreed.

Thus our story ends on a note that Wendy was in fact a purple-haired troll, the diamonds were in the daughter's chandelier, Jennifer Sands killed and tortured her husband (before he bled to death in his little hidey hole), and the duck was an oboe.

"When did you first suspect it was her?" Cho asked, as the entire group (excluding Van Pelt) stood outside the Sands' mansion.

"Uh…I had an idea at the funeral service."

"No, you didn't."

"I did!" Jane defended. "She was looking way too good; no wife should glow at her husband's funeral." Lisbon glanced at him.

"I'd glow at your funeral." Jane glanced at her.

"That's because you, my Lisbon, would have been the one to kill me—poison perhaps?" She ignored him.

"So, you made that bet with Rigsby that you could seduce her with the deliberate intention of snaring her?"

Jane shrugged. "I wanted to win the bet too…but uh…I couldn't because…"

"If you say that you're in love with me…" Lisbon muttered, and Jane glanced in her direction again.

"Oh Lisbon, I just knew you'd come around…when is our wedding—even though we have an off-on brother-sister relationship?"

"In your dreams, Jane." Lisbon stomped off as Van Pelt took her place, and Jane glanced back at Rigsby.

"Just because I lost, doesn't mean you shouldn't take my advice…"

"Yeah, hush—didn't work so well for you did it?"

"I'm serious, go for it." Jane signaled Cho to follow him, which left Van Pelt and Rigsby behind.

"What's he talking about?" She asked, and Rigsby glanced at her.

"It's Jane; he's always talking about something."

"Oh, so he's talking about nothing then?"

"Pretty much."

Van Pelt accepted the answer with a nod, and they followed the rest of the team off the property.