I begin my life anew

Chapter 1


"I'm pregnant..."

Never had I thought two little words could cause my life to turn into spirals. The words at once gave new meaning and also loss; Caius, being my lover at this time, didn't give much of an expression when I delivered the news, but I could tell through his eyes he was not pleased. I didn't say much more afterwards and neither did he. I felt our connection slowly being torn apart with each hour of silence. Like Caius, I didn't show my emotions as much but inside I felt heart broken and scared, that's when I began thinking about the child. Should I raise it, or should I be rid of it? All of these questions clouded my head and soon it began to ache, that's when I decided to go to bed. I didn't sleep like I wanted to, I just lied there in the darkness and listened to Caius mummble to himself in the other room. I remember looking at the clock, around ten at night, I heard the front door open and near slam shut. I knew by then, our relationship was over. I cried myself to sleep that night... All of that pressure thrown at me all at once put me in a place of uncertainty and fear.

The next day was as rough as the night before, I was so broken up from Caius leaving I could barely have the will to do anything, the worse of it all was this child that grew inside of me... Was it worth keeping around, even after all of this? I knew that Caius would not return even if I did make the choice to be rid of this child but the responcibility of caring for a child... Was I ready for such a thing? I debated with myself over the subject for several days until I finally decided to make the call and tell my sister the news.

I was nervous telling my sister, just as I was telling Caius. I remembered waiting with the phone next to my ear hearing the busy signal buzz for a few seconds until she picked up.

"Hello, Lightning?" My sister's calm voice greeted.

"Serah..." I trailed off her name without realizing it.

"Lightning, is there something wrong?" Her voice began showing a sudden concern for my well being.

The words were hanging off the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't tell her... For some reason I was afraid of being judged, and being judged is usually the thing I care less for.

"Light?" Serah called my name again. "Light, do we have to come over?"

Without thinking the words just slipped off my tongue. "Serah, I'm pregnant."

"Oh Lightning, that's great news!" Serah said so happily. I smiled for a second hearing the bliss in her voice. "You should be happy sis!"

It was hard to respond to that, since I still haven't made my choice on keeping it or not. "Yeah it's good news."

"So how far along are you?"

"I'm not sure," I paused a second to think. "Around four weeks?"

"That's a month, so that's eight more months to go!" I could hear she could barely contain her excitement. "Light I'm so excited I'm going to be an aunt!"

I seemed a little less excited to be a mother... "I bet you are."

"Lightning, you sound upset." Serah sounded concerned once again. "Is it about the baby?"

I didn't answer for a while, I was still debating about it. I was unsure if I should continue with the pregnancy just because Serah wanted it. I proceeded to talk about it. "Serah, I don't know if I should keep it or not."

"Well sis, I can't tell you to keep it if you really don't want to."

"No but," I felt tears in my eyes. "I want to have it but at the same time I'm just not ready for it."

Serah stopped for a minute and I waited for her response. "Sis, why don't you wait a few months and if you decide you really don't want it then we'll figure out what to do then."

"Alright..." I said a bit uneasy. "Wait, before we hang up I just wanted you to know that me and Caius aren't in relation anymore..."

"Oh sis, I'm so sorry..."

I didn't further the discussion more than by saying farewell, then I hung up the phone. I just sat in my room for the rest of the day, I didn't want to be bothered with anything else at the time. I kept my hands over my stomach and at times I would put pressure on it, and at times I would refrain myself from putting too much, I didn't know why I was doing it but the urge was there.