-II-

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"[I want to die] In the arms of the woman I love."

~Jaime Lannister to Ser Bronn

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You have to understand child, there was no love between me and your father. But duty asked of me to choose a suitable husband, and so I did. You think I could have kept doing this forever? I was the only heir, just like you. When my father died, I knew I had to come back home and act as was expected of me. It was the hardest thing in the world. Our people commend my bravery on the battlefield, but this- learning how to be a proper Lady, giving birth to you- this took more courage than I'd ever needed with a sword in my hand. Awakening every morning, in the same place, on the same bed, next to a man who couldn't bear to look at me, it was twice as terrifying as the entire army of the undead.

Unfair, you say? It is. But you'll have to be just as brave when the time comes. We cannot change how the world works, child, but we can still be true to ourselves. This is why I taught you how to wield a sword; I can see so much of myself in these stubborn blue eyes of yours. We never looked good in silk, or lace, you and I, but we are warriors. Fighters. Mayhaps this is why your father was so utterly terrified by you. Lord Selwyn was this way, too- he made a swordswoman out of me for he had no other option, but deep down, I know he wished he'd sired an ordinary daughter.

Do not speak ill of the dead, love. He had great affection for you. You were his only child. What you just asked would grieve him immensely, were he still among us. I did not care for the man, but his blood runs through your veins, and there is nothing more to it. I've heard the songs, of course. The whispers. Who hasn't? Foul rumours, and yet you choose to believe them over the word of your mother. Your body might be strong, but your heart remains soft, like a maiden's. Mayhaps you'd like to be the seed of true love, of the kind of romance the bards exalt. Mayhaps you'd like your roots to be more interesting than what they are. Listen. I am going to tell you the story once,so that you know, so that you can understand. And afterwards, I will not hear you ask about Ser Jaime, not ever again.

I do understand your curiosity. He was a fascinating man, and he would have loved to get to know you, for sure. He might have even asked you to spar, and he would have been the toughest opponent imaginable. Back in the day, before losing his right hand, he'd been the most formidable warrior in the seven Kingdoms. A sore loser, though. And brave. Bravest man I've ever met. Once, they say, he charged at a dragon, all by himself. And you've certainly heard about the bear. You should have seen him jump into that pit, put himself between me and the beast- without his sword hand! And, by the seven, although already past his prime, he looked like a god.

No, child, that's not why, not at all. You see, when I first met Ser Jaime, I despised everything he represented- the Lannister name, his reputation as a man without honour, the incestuous affair with his sister. It was much later that it happened. It was because of other things. The important ones. My sword belonged to him once, you know. As did yours. With every goodbye he gave me something new, be it a weapon or a glance. Never more than that, but I swear to you child, a single glance can carry so much heft, such feeling. It was all I could ever have, anyway. His sister was so pretty, the most beautiful woman in the realm.

He did leave her, aye. Not for me, not exactly. But he did it in order to ride north and pledge his sword to the living, and I'd never, ever been prouder, of any man. You have to understand that he and Cersei had been inseparable from the womb, that his first instinct was always to run to her- and yet, he did not, not in the end. In the end he did the honourable thing, thus he fought, and died, a true hero.

I do believe he would love the songs, being the arrogant Lannister that he was. If only he were still alive, to listen to them sing his praises! He'd always enjoyed a good jape, thus it would amuse him, I reckon, to find that, after his death, the whole of Westeros decided to aknowledge his honour. Once upon a time, he was a joke to them, the Kingslayer, the sister-fucker, the breaker of oaths. In this we were alike, the derision I mean, for I, too, was Brienne the Beauty, before the war. They may respect me now, our people, but my life wasn't always that easy. And neither will yours be.

I beg of you, do not call me that. I understand you look up to me, but your admiration is misguided. I hate the name you just uttered, and no, I do not believe in prophecies, or in destiny, for that matter. The way I see it, it could have been anyone. 'Tis the loss of someone held dear that renders a man or woman dangerous, for afterwards, they fight with nothing to lose. You think me selfless but I swear, had I known beforehand, I would never had accepted his request to fight side by side. The world, you say? Love does not exactly make us noble. To save the world, I was prepared to give my life. Not his.

He would have done it anyway, of course. You asked whether Ser Jaime loved me, and this is as close to an answer as either of us will ever have. I don't remember many details, only the dragonfire swallowing everything in its path, smoke rising from the embers. He had probably seen the wight preparing to attack, because he screamed- I'd never heard him scream except for when he'd lost his sword hand. Old age makes me forgetful. Was it my name he bellowed? Mayhaps he prompted me to run. I'd never seen him this desperate, and before I knew what was happening, Ser Jaime had lunged towards me, grabbing me by the shoulder as if for a dance. With a swift move, he spun me around so fast that the axe found his back, instead of mine. It was me the one screaming by then, however he looked oddly peaceful. I held him for a couple of moments, and then he was gone.

I don't know why I agreed to this conversation. Probably because you are so much like me, and I want you to understand who your mother is before it's too late. Perhaps you can try to remember him after I am gone, for someone has to. Oftentimes I open my eyes surprised to find a soft bed underneath me, to be looking at a roof instead of the sky. It momentarily brings me bliss, because I am fooled into thinking I'm young again. Which means he is alive in King's Landing. Belonging to his sister, but breathing nontheless. Trying to save us all from her, and her from herself, like always. Believing himself to have shit for honour, whereas honour is what he's made of, his only crime being the ease with which he gives his heart to people. Aye, he is out there, somewhere, swearing oaths he intends to fulfil, a sight to behold, clad in Lannister red, a few silver hairs on his blond beard, a few wrinkles around his eyes.

They were green. His eyes. I cannot recall the exact shade anymore. The day I realised this, it crushed me. I had lost those eyes a second time, and there was nawt to be done about it. And to make matters worse, I can recall the precise shade of blue they were afterwards. Such a strange sight, the colour of ice on his countenance. You see, child, we seldom expect the worst to happen to us. We convince ourselves that other warriors will fall in battle, that other women will get raped. I'd prepared myself to die, to lose him even, but it had never crossed my mind that I'd witness him rise from the fallen.

Foolish, but true.

Perhaps, if Jaime had simply died, I would have mourned him for a while and carried on living the best way I could. But I'd also had to shove a blade through his body, the body that used to harbour his kind soul. I knew he was no longer there, of course. I knew the look Jaime usually wore whenever we were together, a look I could recognise amongst a million others because I, myself, directed it his way. That cold azure stare- it wasn't him. But the creature had the same form, the same slender figure, the firm sit of his jaw. His golden hand, even. I nearly had to shut my eyes when Oathkeeper pierced his armour. When I killed it. When I killed him.

I did not weep. My sight was perfect and I could hear somebody scream very loudly. My throat started to burn and that's how I knew it was me. No distinct words, just a constant howl. For I was angry, so very angry, having just driven his own sword through his flesh, still feeling the resistance in my right arm. I was thirsting for their blood, cursing them for not possessing any. Screaming, screaming. I wanted to see their heads fly off their shoulders, their decaying limbs scattered across the snow, see them burn, turn to ash, to nawt.

After the war, Queen Daenerys offered me to command her Queensguard. I would have been the first woman to receive such an honour. My dream, Brienne the Beauty, the woman half the realm mocked , becoming a true knight. I did weep that day, not out of joy, but because right then I knew I would renounce the offer. Everything in that cursed place would remind me of the Lannisters, of their fancy golds and reds, of the pride in his gait and the billowing of his cloak. And I hated King's Landing's sun, the brightness of it, the way it shimmered on goldenheads and polished sets of armour, making my heart stop time after time making my fingers clench Oathkeeper's hilt a little tighter, half expecting the owner of the blond hair to turn around and be Ser Jaime. Living. Breathing.

I remember making my way out of the throne room, people stepping aside to let me pass, Lords and Knights and bannermen. The pity in their eyes, gods! Others betrayed mirth. Whispering, wondering. How did a man like the Kingslayer die defending a woman like Brienne the Beauty? Was it for honour? What else could it be? Others were more romantic: Mayhaps they got married in secret, before the battle. Many do call her the Kingslayer's whore, these days.

It's funny. None of it was true. Whatever it was to have driven an axe into his back, it went beyond honour. How can one describe the undescribable? He was a hostage I was escorting to the capital. By any definition of the word, we were enemies. Our paths never crossed for long enough for us to become friends, and yet there were these strange instances of mutual understanding, these looks that dag so deep they unearthed layers of soul.

And there was Harrenhal. Mayhaps my favourite memory of him. You see, for a moment, in each other's eyes, we had become an attractive woman and a redeemable man, respectively. Put into words, it sounds illogical, and if anything, it can attest to the strangeness of our bond itself. To him, I was not a joke; when others laughed at the ungainly maiden pretending to be a knight, he gave me a squire.

Not that he ever stopped belonging to her. Cersei. But I like to believe that, somewhere in his heart of hearts, there was a place reserved for our misadventures. I was there when they maimed him, you know. We saved and moulded one another time after time, thus I can no longer remember who I was before that fateful ordeal. Or what the world felt like back then. Did the food taste different, or the water? Mayhaps the grass had a different smell. And what if the stars had once shone brighter in the night sky?

When the Long Winter came, a few weeks after the parley with Cersei, he arrived at Winterfell, a crippled man with no army, surrounded by enemies, my name on his lips. He seemed unable to decide what to do with himself, and I was determined to help, but Ser Jaime wouldn't let me. You don't want the northerners to associate you with me, he'd insisted. They would begin to doubt your honour. As if I cared what the northerners thought.

There was this one moment. I was training recruits in the yards when he appeared, a stupid grin on his face, and asked me to spar. We were soon dancing around each other, accompanied by the repetitive sound of steel against steel, lunging, parrying, grunting. Eyes traced our every move, from every corner, from the balconies even. At some point -I will never forget for as long as I may live- he said: "Considering we might meet our ends soon, is there something you shall regret not doing, Lady Brienne?"

As soon as he'd said it, my sword was flying away from my grip, his blade at my throat. There was a playfulness in his eyes, like a child's, and the words he had just uttered had shocked me for reasons beyond my grasp. Not doing. It was this particular choice of grammar, the negative, to have upset me. Suddenly, I was hoping, and fearing, that he knew about my longing. So many years after his death and the question burns, did he? It was unlikely that a man of his looks would actually want a woman like me, but then again, he was an extraordinary man. The doubt racks me to this day. Did he? We shall never know. Mayhaps it is for the better.

Your blue eyes betray you, daughter. For it is plain as day you have yet to believe me. Every word spoken, however, is the truth. You think I am hiding something? Perhaps my eyes betray me, as well. But do understand, all this is painful. That judgmental glare of yours, would it soften if I told you the whole story? If anything, you would think less of me if you knew about my worst act of cowardice, about the way my resolve wavered, on the night before the battle against the undead, when he knocked on my door and we both knew it would be the last time before one of us was lost.

And even though I knew- gods, I knew!- how much Ser Jaime was missing his sister, how desperate times push people to desperate acts, I could not bring myself to stop him from pulling me into that embrace. I let the silence grow, and grow still, and turn into an unfamiliar kind of hunger, the one that has clothes removed and mouths pressed together. I let all of this happen, despite knowing he could not have meant it, not really, because look at me. Can such selfishness ever be forgiven? I was prepared to die for him in a few hours, but I did not want the Maiden to escort me to the other side, I craved for the Warrior's guiding hand.

I am so sorry, child. You've grown up holding your mother in such a high regard, but she is weak, so very weak. Forgive this weakness and forgive me when I say that, when my time comes, I will not be happy to see the Mother, wishing for the Warrior instead, the same Warrior he certainly saw. I want to die feeling the ghost of his touch on my neck, of his breath on my shoulder.

What is half a lifetime spent clinging to a memory worth? Wondering. Wanting. The dead do not know they are dead. The living? They die a different kind of death trying to relive the days past. But what else was there to do, in this castle, with your father as husband? You still believe the songs? There is no Azor Ahai, my child. Only men and women with nothing to lose. When my sword burst in flames, you think I noticed? I just kept screaming, thrusting, slicing, killing, killing. I was wading over piles of severed limbs, fire all around, hanging onto a single thought, that I had to avenge him. I didn't give a shit about the world.

And to put an end to your doubts: You are not his daughter. How could you be? How could I have crossed these gates and looked into my late father's eyes with a babe in my arms? A few weeks after the battle, I destroyed whatever chance there was left to look at his eyes again. I cannot recall finding the maester, or drinking the moon tea. All I remember is anger.

Your eyes betray you, yet again. It may not be a pleasant story, but I am happy you listened. Hopefully, one day, you might even forgive me. You say there is nothing to forgive, but a mother knows. With this confession I am sending you away, my daughter. Go, travel across the realm and find a Lord or Lady worthy of your service. Live and fight with honour, and when you come back, and if I am dead by then, be sure to remember who your mother was.

In the meantime, carry Widow's Wail with pride. For it is not often that a young woman chooses this path. And her path is bound to be extraordinary, if she begins her life's journey wielding a sword that had onced belonged to a great man.

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Author's Note: Again, I am so sorry everyone. My coffee was too dark this morning. And yesterday morning. Who am I kidding.