TWO
CC held onto her daughter tightly. She wanted her to know that what she was about to say would never happen to her. Susanna waited patiently, staring down at Phillip.
"When I was about your age, my mommy left for good," CC began.
*
CC lay on her stomach underneath her bed, hidden by her frilly, purple valance. She rested her chin on the carpet and covered her ears with her small hands, doing her best to block out the argument happening just down the hall. It was late, and the house was dark. Shadows played on the walls from the moonlight streaming in from her bedroom window, high up on the third floor of their big, fancy home outside the city. There were not a lot of neighbours, and not many children around. The argument echoed in all the extra space, and CC shut her eyes as tears trickled down her cheeks.
She had never heard her parents shout at each other before. She knew when they were angry at each other because they never said anything during those times, and they would glare at each other and slam plates and cups hard onto the tabletops, but yelling was something new, and it was a frightening thing for a girl of four-turning-five to overhear.
"You selfish cow!"
"I'm selfish? I'm not the one waltzing off to parties with teenage girls dangling off my arms!"
"For God's sake Belinda I invited you to come! You cannot use this as justification to abandon-"
"How dare you accuse me of abandonment? I need space, Stuart. You're suffocating me!"
"How can I suffocate you? We're never in the same room!"
"It's not you, it's 'you', it's this! You're a bastard, and I am not going to lie around waiting for you to get old and die. I have my own money you know."
"No I didn't know that, the way you go around spending mine!"
"Well I do!"
"I wasn't being serious BB! Jesus Christ! What about the kids?"
"Noel's off at school-"
"Your daughters you insensitive woman!"
"I'll take the baby with me. You can have CC."
"What?"
"DD needs me."
"And your eldest daughter doesn't? Belinda, she's four years old!"
"Hire a second nanny. She's your daughter, Stuart. She's all you. I don't understand that girl, I never have."
"She's FOUR."
"She's YOURS. You deal with her and Noel."
"And I suppose when DD's old enough to talk you'll be rid of her as well?"
"Well we can't split them up permanently Stuart. Honestly what sort of mother do you take me for?"
"Oh, do you really want to know? You drunken, ridiculous excuse for a woman! I don't know what I ever saw in you. You have no backbone. You're weak, you're pathetic!"
"If this is your attempt to get me to stay it SUCKS, Stu! I want out, got it? You look after your children for a change. I have better things to do with my life than fluff around this house."
"Like what?"
"Like it's none of your goddamn business."
"Are you having an affair? Are you?"
"Maybe. What's it to you? It's not as though you and I are in love, Stuart. It's not as though you're all innocent. I've heard all about your 'indiscretions' over the years. You're a joke, and I'm done putting up with it!"
"Fine, you know what? You pack your bags, take the baby, and get the Hell out of here. I never want to see you again, but you say goodbye to your daughter because if I get my way it's the last time you'll ever see her again. You're a disgusting excuse for a mother. You don't deserve any of them!"
The shouting continued, and CC shook as she tried to make sense of what she was hearing. Mommy was horrible? She was leaving?
Where was she going? For how long? CC did not know about any trip, but her parents were not happy, so maybe they were going to be apart for a long time, until they weren't mad at each other anymore.
It got quiet after that, and CC wondered whether Nanny Bobo and Jeremy and the other staff had been woken up by the argument. It was loud enough, but CC could not hear any more footsteps or voices over the sound of her own ragged breathing.
She waited for her mother to come in and say goodbye, like her daddy told her to. If she was going away for a long time like it sounded, and taking her little sister DD with her, then surely she would come in to kiss her goodnight. CC watched and listened for any movement on the other side of the door. After a long time spent waiting, she did hear footsteps, and she held her breath, preparing to explain to her mother that she was hiding under the bed because she got scared at the fighting. Maybe her mother would hug her and tuck her back in.
*
Nobody came. The footsteps walked right past the door and down the nearby stairs. It was her mother; CC recognised the sound of clicking heels, the same sort of high shoes her mother always wore, the shoes CC always got in trouble for trying on.
The wail of a baby broke through the night and CC shuffled out from underneath her bed. She hurried to the nearby window and lifted it open as far as her little arms could, before leaning out. She wanted to call out to her mother when she saw her loading up the town car, her driver Paul helping her pack. She had DD. Wasn't she even going to look up to say goodbye to her other daughter, the one that she had seemed to tell CC's father belonged to him and not her. How was that possible? Didn't she belong to both of them?
CC was frightened, and her knuckles were white as they clutched the worn window sill. Her mother never went anywhere at night. Most days she went into the city or to other houses to talk to her friends and play cards and talk about books, or she would shop in fancy, fantasy stores that CC very rarely got to go to herself. Her mother always said it wasn't a child's place in those shops; children broke things and got in the way, and other people didn't like having them running around interrupting their stride on the sidewalks.
CC did not see what the big deal was if she wanted to step in a puddle. It was fun! She didn't see why she had to get smacked for it. It was just water, wasn't it? That's what Nanny Bobo said. It would dry. And just for telling her mother that she got smacked some more.
There was no more shopping with mommy after that.
CC did not hear her bedroom door open, but she turned at the sound of footsteps.
"Miss CC?" Nanny Bobo addressed her with her Latino accent. Her chubby frame wobbled forward. CC could not make out Nanny Bobo's grey hair in the dark, but she knew it was probably pulled back into its usual bun. She had to sleep like that because CC had never seen her hair any other way.
"Where's mommy going?" CC asked.
"Oh angel-pie," Nanny Bobo said, walking over and resting her fat hands on CC's bony shoulders. "Miss CC, your mother is taking a trip. Like a vacation."
"Where's she going?"
"I don't know."
"How long is it for?"
"A while. You're too young to bother yourself with time, Miss CC. Come now, back to bed." CC looked at Nanny Bobo with wide, blue eyes.
"Is daddy okay?"
"He's fine. He's very tired and he's gone to bed."
"Can I hug him goodnight?"
"I don't think so child. Come on, into bed." Nanny Bobo held the sheets up and CC sighed as she climbed back amongst them. She let herself be tucked in, and then wiggled her arms out to cross them over her chest on top of her covers.
"Is daddy right?" she asked. "Is mommy a bad mommy?"
"She does the best she can," Nanny Bobo said, squeezing CC's hands. "And she does love you Miss CC, but it's hard for her to show it."
"Why?" CC asked, drawling deliberately.
"Well," Nanny Bobo said, running her fingers through CC's hair. "Not all mommies are cuddly mommies like on the TV." CC frowned. She could not remember the last time her mother had hugged her. Was Nanny Bobo saying it was a bad thing? Why wouldn't her mother want to hug her or say goodnight to her? What was wrong with her? "It's never the child's fault," Nanny Bobo said, reading her mind. "Sometimes the mommy just doesn't know how to love her babies. Other times, it's the easiest thing in the world. Your mommy...she's not as good with her babies as some other mommies. She just needs some time alone to get better."
"But she took DD."
"DD is still very little and needs a mommy no matter what." CC frowned. DD spent more time with Nanny Bobo than her mother. CC had never seen her mother change one of DD's dirty diapers. It didn't make sense, and CC felt alone without understanding why.
"Can I sleep with you Nanny Bobo?" she asked.
"Oh no sweetheart, you're not allowed. But I'll stay here with you until you fall asleep."
CC pretended. If Nanny Bobo did not want to sleep with her either then she just wanted to be alone.
*
Months passed, and the move to the high-rise city apartment came as a shock to CC. The big house in the hills was sold and all the staff left except for her father's driver, Peter, Nanny Bobo, and her father's butler, Jeremy. Noel continued at his boarding school and only ever came home on holidays, but even then sometimes CC did not see him; he went to visit their mother in another State. She kept moving around and CC lost track of where she was even though Nanny Bobo helped her put little pins on a big map in her playroom.
The first day of school in a bustling, crowded city was daunting, and CC cried as Nanny Bobo squished her large behind into a tiny chair in the classroom, doing her best to calm her. She wanted her mother, though what she wanted her mother for she did not know. What would her mother have done? Tell her to stop being a baby? Nanny Bobo pulled CC into her soft, ample chest and patted her back a few times, and then made a big show about trying to get herself out of the chair. It made CC laugh, and then she was just another little girl in a big classroom, with a lot of other little children. Some looked ecstatic, others devastated, but most simply looked wary.
CC sat at one of the small tables. The teacher had stuck their names to each desk and while she had to help some children find where they belonged, CC knew the alphabet and it was not hard to spot her short name amongst all the Annabel's and Roger's.
But when the teacher called her name out on the roll half the class started laughing. Mostly the boys. CC frowned and looked around at them. What was so funny about her name?
"Be quiet!" she said to them. "You're so rude!"
"It's okay CC," the teacher said. "That's my job." CC sat back with her arms folded and waited for the teacher to get them all to be quiet, but it seemed to take a long time, and CC could not help wondering whether the teacher secretly found her name very funny as well.
Nobody came up to talk to her that day, and CC went home disheartened.
"It's okay Miss CC," Nanny Bobo said as she fed her fruit and biscuits for afternoon tea. "You're just shy. You'll make friends tomorrow. Just walk up to some of those other girls and boys and say hello."
CC took her advice on board, and the next day approached two girls and a boy who sat at desks in her table group. They were eating lunch on a stool outside the classroom, and CC smoothed her hands down over her chequered uniform dress, hoping it looked neat and pretty. Her blonde hair was tied in pigtails with ribbons and she plastered a big smile on her face even though she did not feel much like smiling.
"Hello," she said. "I'm CC. Can I eat lunch with you?" The boy giggled.
"Your last name is a rude word!"
"What?" CC asked, frowning. Nobody had ever told her that before! He proceeded to explain and CC felt her chinks turn pink. Her stomach turned. She wanted to run away but she forced herself to stay there. "So," she said when they were done laughing. She bit her bottom lip. "Can I sit with you?"
"No," one of the girls said, sitting up with such a straight back CC thought she looked like a little ballerina just without the tutu.
"Why not?" she asked, defiant.
"Our mommies know each other and we play together all the time, and my mommy says your mommy ran off and has lots of men, and your daddy likes little girls, so we're not allowed to play with you."
"But we are girls," CC said. "I'm just like you. I have a nanny too."
"I seen her," the second girl said. "She's so old!" CC giggled. Nanny Bobo was definitely not young like some of the other nannies. "Yeah," the girl continued. "She gonna die real soon."
"What?" CC asked. She only had a vague idea of death. Nobody she knew had ever died, but she had seen it on TV in cartoons and movies, and she knew it meant the trio in front of her thought that Nanny Bobo was not going to be around for much longer. "No she's not!" CC insisted. "She's not too old!" She frowned at the little girls in front of her and stomped her foot on the cement. "You're a cow."
"Well you're ugly," the boy said, leaning forward. Tears filled CC's eyes. Nobody had ever called her ugly before. She turned and ran back into the classroom and ate lunch at her desk, worrying about Nanny Bobo and how she could be prettier and make people like her.
*
As though the other children in her class knew exactly what they were talking about, a month later, Nanny Bobo died in her sleep. CC knew something was wrong when her father came to wake her up. Her daddy only ever came into her bedroom to kiss her goodnight, and she never saw him other times.
Her father tried to explain it to her. She was sad, but when he said CC did not have to go to school that day, that she could spend the whole day with him as he worked from his home office, it cheered her up a lot.
First, that morning they went to the park, probably to be far away from whatever was happening to Nanny Bobo. CC walked around the edge of the fountain holding her father's hand, and they bought sweet food for breakfast and got to sit under a big tree and watch all the morning joggers and dog walkers go past.
"CC," her father said eventually, once the park was less busy and everyone had gone to work. "I wanted to tell you, you'll be spending Christmas with your mother this year."
"Really?" she asked. "Will Santa be able to find me?" Her father laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"Of course, kitten. Noel and DD will be there as well. You kids will have a lot of fun."
"What are you doing?"
"I'll be working over the holidays, but it's a while away yet. I just thought this news might distract you."
"Noel will be home from school?" CC asked. She missed her big brother. She hoped he missed her too, but she never heard from him unless he came to visit. They always had a lot of fun together. She could beat him at anything!
"He will be," her father said.
"Daddy, how come I don't go to boarding school?" CC asked.
"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "Because you're too young just yet."
"But will I?"
"If you want, but I'm not going to make you. Your mother wanted Noel in that school, and he likes it there now, but I don't like the idea of my little girl sleeping away so much."
"I could do it daddy," CC said quickly, not wanting him to think she was weak like he said her mother was. CC had not forgotten the argument.
"Maybe," he said, patting her knee. "But I like having you close and being able to kiss you goodnight. Don't you like that?" She giggled, nodding.
"Yeah."
"Say 'yes' sweetie," he said. "Not yeah. It's not ladylike."
"Daddy," she said, kneeling up on the park bench and leaning into his shoulder. "The kids at school said Nanny Bobo was old and was gonna-"
"Going to."
"Going to die, and they were right. Does that mean they're right about other stuff?"
"What other stuff?" he asked, looking at her with his own blue eyes. CC responded thoughtfully, tilting her head to the side and watching his face for his reaction.
"They say I'm not allowed to play with them because I'm not the same class, but we are too in the same class, we sit right next to each other! And they said I was ugly." Her father laughed and hugged her around the waist, pulling her onto his lap. CC savoured the hug, it was so rare and she loved the feeling of being pressed up against his strong chest. It was different to hugging Nanny Bobo who was all softness, but her daddy was soft too, just in a different way.
"Kitten," he said, kissing the top of her head. "You are beautiful. You don't realise how beautiful you are because you're so little, but you just wait. Those other little girls and boys are just jealous, and if they're not you'll make 'em jealous when you grow up into a very pretty lady."
"You think so?"
"I know so," he said, touching the side of his nose. CC giggled. "And as for class, they don't mean school class. They mean social class, and they're wrong. You have every right to be their friend. You can show them that by acting a bit classier. Like your mother used to. Instead of running around like a little tom boy."
"They all sit like this," CC said, straightening her back and staring down her nose. Her father laughed as CC returned to slouching against him.
"Well I don't recommend that become permanent. Those little girls are obviously already in deportment lessons."
"What's that?"
"I'm sure your mother will get you involved," he said. "But listen, you don't take any crap from those little twerps okay? Just sit down, eat with them and join in. They'll accept you. It will just take some time."
"They said mommy has lots of men and you like little girls."
"Well I love little girls. I love you don't I?" CC blushed and smiled up at her father as he grinned at her. "Don't listen to that gossip CC. They heard that from their parents, and it's very spiteful, but those boys and girls don't understand what they're saying, so you just tell them that okay?" CC nodded, resolute in her plan to stick up for herself and find a way to fit in. "Listen," her father added. "You are doing really well at school. Your teacher says you're picking it all up very quickly and I am so very proud of you. That's the most important thing right now okay? Just keep your head down and make daddy proud."
"Okay," CC said with a whisper, leaning her head against her father's shoulder. "Can we come to the park every day daddy?"
"Oh, no kitten, I have a very busy job and you have school. This is a special day, and very sad because Nanny Bobo has left us, but I'm going to find you a new nanny, and when the weather's nice I'm sure she'll bring you to the park. What do you like best, the swing?" CC nodded, pleased and surprised that her father knew that about her. He grinned and eased her off his lap. "Okay, how about a quick push then before we head home?"
*
The new nanny, Nanny Carla, arrived the week after, and CC did not really like her. She did not dislike her, but she missed Nanny Bobo's big, soft arms and the way 'Miss CC' sounded with her accent. Nanny Carla was thin and bony, and she just called out for CC, no 'miss'. She was young, with long, straight dark hair and olive-brown skin. She had big, brown eyes. Her face was so thin and narrow it made her eyes look even bigger. CC spent most of her free time watching Nanny Carla when Nanny Carla didn't know it, wondering how somebody who looked so odd could be so pretty. Nanny Carla often left CC alone to play in her room, but what she didn't know was that CC mostly spent that time following her around the hotel.
One day, just before Christmas, CC's bags were packed and she was excited about seeing Noel and DD, and very scared about seeing her mother. She had spoken briefly to her mommy on the phone, but her mother's voice had sounded clipped and tense, as though maybe she didn't really want CC to come and visit. CC had hung up and run crying to Jeremy the butler, who she had known for as long as she could remember, and he had dried her tears with his handkerchief and politely led her to Nanny Carla for comfort. CC had gotten more comfort from his brief, stilted embrace than any number of pats on the head Nanny Carla might have given her had she cared a little more.
CC followed her to an apartment far below theirs. Nanny Carla always took the stairs, which CC did not understand. When they were together Nanny and CC took the lift, but whenever she came to room 302 she took the stairs. It gave CC lots of time to follow her. Then when she left, CC could take the lift up and beat Nanny Carla home, as though she had never left.
CC had spent months wondering what was behind door 302. Nanny Carla sometimes went there in the afternoons while CC was doing homework, but not every day and sometimes rarely. She never stayed very, very long. CC had decided that she must have another cleaning job because sometimes she came out looking all messed up and a bit sweaty.
She watched Nanny Carla enter the room with a key and then waited, watching for her to leave from around the corner. Sick of waiting and when she thought it was safe, she tiptoed closer and peered through the keyhole at the door. She could not see anything! It wasn't fair. She wanted to know what was inside. Maybe it wasn't another job, because CC could not hear a vacuum and she was close to the apartment. Maybe it was where her Christmas presents were. Surely she would get a present from her father before she left.
Suddenly she heard laughter, Nanny Carla, and she ran back to her hiding space around the turn in the hallway. The door opened, and CC watched as Nanny Carla's attempt to leave was stopped by a long, familiar arm snaking around her waist and pulling her back inside. Nanny Carla turned towards him, and they kissed up against the door frame. CC's eyes went wide and her mouth opened. She jumped out from behind the corner and put her hands on her hips. What was he doing with her nanny?
"Daddy!"
When CC got back from her Christmas trip, Nanny Carla was gone.
*
"Did you miss her?" Susanna asked.
"My nanny? Heavens no."
"No," Susanna said with an impatient drawl. "Your mommy, after Christmas."
"Not really," CC said, glancing over the top of her daughter's head to the heart monitor on the other side of the room. "Not like a little girl is supposed to miss her mommy. But I thought about her a lot. I think more than anything, I wanted her to miss me. I don't think she ever did."
"Would you miss me if I went away?"
"Oh baby," CC whispered as her throat clogged with tears. She pressed a loud kiss to Susanna's cheek. "I would miss you so much I don't know how I would ever manage. You're not going anywhere."
"What happened next?" Susanna asked, glancing up at CC with wide eyes and an expectant smile. CC returned the smile and shut her eyes, choosing her words carefully.
