CHAPTER TWO
There's someone I've been missing
I think that they could be the better half of me
They're in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I'm tired of justifying
So I say to you, come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long, for so long
Knowing how to handle things professionally and successfully under stressful circumstances was one of Felicity's special talents. She worked well under stress, and in fact, Felicity had realized that it actually brought out the best in her. It made her more driven, creative enough to come up with new and unexpected solutions when it looked like there were none, more determined to succeed.
It all failed during that one meeting, though. They all were sitting on the chairs of Oliver's office, since this first meeting wasn't supposed to be the official one, and it took Felicity all her self-control not to fidget with the first thing she could get her hands on, or worse: run away and never look back. She noted, with a humorless mental laugh, that that was also one of her special talents.
She barely understood a word of what was being said. At one point, all eyes turned to her but Oliver's, and Felicity realized they were discussing her work at Mills Global, and how it would also benefit from the partnership.
"I have no doubt Miss Smoak is doing an excellent job at your company, Mr. Mills. She never once let me down while working here at Queen Consolidated."
Right, I never disappointed you. Felicity thought. At Queen Consolidated.
She couldn't help but notice he didn't look at her. Not once after the first time their eyes met, not even a sideways glance or a quick look while he talked about her. It was like those were all rehearsed words, like he knew exactly what he was supposed to say and didn't need to think about it at all, not even shift his eyes for a second's inspiration.
Inspiration. Felicity would probably never inspire Oliver Queen. She may have inspired him once, she may have helped him realize he was a hero and not a killer. But that was a long time ago, and things had changed. John Diggle died for her. She abandoned Oliver. Whatever they may have felt one day, whatever she did feel five years ago, it didn't matter anymore.
She heard the people in the room getting up, and she realized with an almost overwhelming relief that the meeting was over.
"Thank you for your time, Mr. Queen." Henry said, shaking Oliver's hand. "I look forward to solidifying what we've discussed tomorrow."
"It was my pleasure, Mr. Mills. I look forward to that as well."
Elizabeth was already at the door, smiling at Melissa, who held it open. Felicity followed after her as quickly as she could, without drawing attention.
Elizabeth looked at her as if she was about to ask her something, but she must have seen something in Felicity's eyes that made her think twice about it. Felicity had no idea what it was, and hoped it wasn't anything too obvious, but she took that opportunity to walk out Oliver's office. She heard footsteps behind her, but she didn't care. She walked to the elevator and pushed the button, refusing to look away from the closed doors staring back at her.
She could hear Henry and Oliver's conversation getting closer. Her heart was pounding once again. Elizabeth was next to her, she thought, but she didn't look to check. The doors opened and she got in, walking to the left corner of the small space, praying Oliver wouldn't get in as well.
Henry walked in with a big smile on his face, and thanked Oliver once again.
Felicity, being as dumb as only her past self would be, thought she was safe, and looked up while letting out a breath she had been holding. She caught Oliver's eyes, and at that moment, there was only one emotion written all over it, so obvious she wondered if the other people around her could read it too: hurt.
The doors closed, and Felicity nearly dropped to the floor. Steadying herself on the wall, she closed her eyes.
"Are you okay?" Elizabeth asked.
For the first time in her life, Felicity wanted to snap at someone who had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on her head. It was wrong, it was not Felicity at all, so she pushed it down and got a hold of herself and her unprofessional emotions. "I'm fine."
Elizabeth may not have been fooled by it, but she didn't press the issue any further, and Felicity was as glad as she could be at the moment.
They left the building in the same Queen Consolidated car, and Felicity didn't say a word during the entire way. She looked out the window, seeing the streets and the people going on about their lives, trying as hard as she could not to think of Oliver, of how cold he seemed at first, of how hurt he seemed in the end. She couldn't decide which one was real, which one was worse. She didn't expect him to greet her with hugs, don't be mistaken. But she hoped against hope he wouldn't hate her, hoped she wouldn't make him feel anything that was less than content, because Oliver Queen had been hurt too much, much more than he deserved, and to be the one inflicting that pain was more than she could take.
It was stupid, though. She deserved it, after all. It was expected, deep down she knew it. What she did wasn't right. She should have called him back. She shouldn't have left, actually. She screwed things up and she should own up to it, face the consequences of her actions. She chose to do what she did willingly, consciously, knowing what it meant and what it could lead to. No one held a gun to her head and made her leave him.
She knew all that, and yet she could only cower under the hurt in his eyes, and it was what it was. She didn't know what to do and she realized that all her progress had, in fact, crumbled down. It seemed worse somehow. It wasn't just guilt over John Diggle's death, now. It was guilt over leaving. Guilt she already had, but it wasn't as bad before because she wasn't there for the downfall. She didn't see anything, she didn't know anything. No harm, no foul.
She saw it now. She knew it now, and there was so, so much harm, she wasn't sure she could recover this time.
Felicity didn't remember walking into the hotel or going up to her room. Her hands shook terribly and her head was pounding. She found herself on her bed, under the covers, the black dress she had worn to the meeting on the floor. There were tears streaming down her face and she wiped at them hastily, hating herself for crying. She didn't deserve the right to be sad, because she was the one who caused Oliver's hurt and Diggle's death. She shouldn't be blaming herself either, a part of her mind tried to tell her, but she ignored it.
For a second she considered calling her therapist. She hadn't been to a session in a year and a half now, but she kept her phone number on her phone in case of emergencies. That was an emergency, without a doubt.
She didn't want her therapist to know how many steps back Felicity had just taken. After her sessions she felt like she had taken four or five steps ahead, yet now she felt like she had just gone back fifteen.
She felt ashamed. She thought she was strong. She obviously wasn't.
Something tickled at the back of her mind, then. Something she had heard a long time ago in her very first session.
Things happen. Life happens. You feel sad, ashamed, guilty, miserable, and then life happens again and you think you've moved on. You haven't, not really, and the thought that you can ever move on from something bad in your life is a lie. A trick. What you can do, though, is find a way to live through the sadness and the shame and the guilt, so you don't have to be miserable anymore. You don't have to let the bad things define you or bring you down. You just have to accept that the bad things happened. They're there, in your past, and sometimes in your present, and you can't change them. You just have to deal with them. It's scary, it's the scariest thing that you can think of, but it's possible. You just have to work for it.
It had sounded so wrong at first. Felicity couldn't understand the idea that people find a way to live with the bad things that they've been through, or the bad things that they've done to other people. She thought it was impossible, but she didn't say anything, because even though she was smart and stubborn, she didn't want to argue with a therapist. It intimidated her. So she swallowed it down and made it her own personal goal to move on.
But now she knew she was wrong. Oh, she was so wrong. Moving on isn't a thing, not really. Moving on is an idea, it's a trick. Exactly as her therapist said. Living with the guilt, that's another thing, that's the real thing, and accepting it took more than what Felicity had been willing to give.
So she got up from her bed, picked her dress off of the floor and put it back on, picking up her purse while she headed for the door. She had to work for it. She had to face her past and her present and she had to work for it, even if it scared her nearly to death. Felicity Smoak wasn't a coward.
Felicity took a cab to Queen Consolidated, thinking her resolve would crumble down under her when she reached the elevator. She was only half right. There was a drumming on her ears, which she suspected was her heart pounding, and she could feel the slight tremor of her hands, but she was still determined.
She walked out of the elevator and found Melissa now sat down at her old table, with only a computer in front of her.
"Miss Smoak? What are you doing here?" Melissa said, a tone of uncertainty on her voice.
"I'm here to see Oliver. Not as Miss Smoak, this time." She tried her best to smile despite her nerves. "Just Felicity. A friend."
Melissa blinked and took a few seconds to answer. "Mr. Queen, he's just... sitting there. I don't know what happened to him. I've tried talking to him but he just won't answer."
Felicity swallowed down the panic rising in her throat. "Can you leave us alone, please? I'll talk to him."
"Miss Smoak, I-"
"Please. It won't take long."
Melissa looked reluctantly from Oliver's office to Felicity. "Fine." She said, getting up. "I have a few errands to run, anyway. Please tell him that if he needs me, he can call. This job is very important to me, Miss Smoak."
"I will. Don't worry."
Melissa got up, and Felicity watched as she walked into the elevator.
The words came out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Is this your table? Do you use it?"
Melissa turned, looking confused. "No, it's not mine. Mr. Queen won't let me. He only lets me use it when I have to sit down to use a computer to schedule something."
"Oh." Was all Felicity could say.
Melissa turned back to the elevator. She got in and the doors closed, and Felicity took a deep breath. She walked to the door of his office, her heels clinking annoyingly on the floor.
She stopped for a few seconds in front of the door, took another deep breath, then opened it.
Oliver was sitting on his chair, which was now in front of the glass window. He had his back turned to her, and for a moment she considered turning back and getting under her covers of her hotel bed again. He probably didn't even hear her coming in.
"I thought you couldn't wait to get away from me." He said, and Felicity realized, once again, how dumb she could be sometimes. Of course he heard her. He hadn't once been a town vigilante for nothing.
She looked around, debating on whether or not she should sit for this. He didn't turn to look at her, though, so she decided to keep standing. "You thought right, actually."
Oliver didn't move. "So why are you back?"
"Because I realized that I have to talk to you. I'm ready."
"It's been five years." Oliver said, barely above a whisper.
"I know." Felicity wished it didn't sound as stupid for him as it did for her.
"And you're ready now?"
Felicity took an involuntary step back at the anger in his voice. "I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for." The anger was gone now. Did she imagine it?
"I do, though. I have so much to apologize for."
Oliver finally turned his chair and met her eyes. They held the same hurt she saw not so long ago when she was inside the elevator. He seemed to be waiting for her to say something, so she took a deep breath and began.
"I'm sorry I left. I didn't know what to do, Oliver. We stopped Slade and it was amazing. It was what Diggle would have wanted us to do, and I know he would also want us to keep saving the city and stopping criminals, but I just couldn't do it. He died. And Lyla, she was alone, half proud of Diggle for dying to protect a friend, half angry and miserable and lonely. It wasn't fair, it wasn't, he died for me, and we had a plan. We had a stupid plan and we forgot to tell him and he went there to save me. My fault. Our fault. And I couldn't deal with it." Felicity looked at Oliver, but he was now looking down at his hands. It didn't matter, though. She was already halfway there.
"Wherever Diggle is now, I just know he's angry at me. I know he's angry because I left, because I never talked to you again, because I gave up on everything that held true meaning in our lives, but I can't do anything about it. I only feel the guilt, and the pain, and I want to move on. I wanted to. But there's no moving on. There's only the acceptance and the living with it, and that's what I have to work on. That's why I'm here. Because I want to apologize for leaving and I want you to know that I think about you every single day. You, Diggle, Roy, Thea, even Laurel. I think about this city every day and I think about you, all the time, because I left you when you needed me the most and I hate myself for it, but it's done. You're angry, you hate me, but I can't change it." Felicity's throat felt dry for what felt like the thousandth time that day.
"What I can do, what I'm trying to do, is find some peace. I can't apologize to Diggle because he's gone, and I can't apologize to Lyla because she has no idea what really happened and I know she deserves to know, but I can't tell her. There's so many things I can't do, all because I'm weak, I know. But what I can do is apologize to you. And this is it, this is my apology, and it sounds confusing and possibly contradictory in many ways, but it's what I can give you now. I'm sorry, Oliver."
Felicity realized she was crying, then. She wiped her cheeks and tried to get her breathing under control. Oliver raised his eyes and met her gaze, and his eyes were glistening.
Oliver smiled sadly. "I missed you." His voice cracked, and Felicity's heart nearly broke. "I've felt so many things during these five years, Felicity. So many. But I missed you the most."
"Oliver-"
"I'm not angry at you. I could never be angry at you, Felicity. Everything that happened, it hit me so hard. And I had been through so much already, as horrible as it sounds, I was used to tragedies. I couldn't and I still can't even begin to think of how hard it must have been for you. I don't blame you for leaving, I don't blame you for anything, not really."
"You're hurt."
"Of course I am. You did leave me, and I understood it, but I wanted you to talk to me. I wanted you to let me be there for you, like you were always there for me. But angry? Or, or hate? Hate you?" He made it sound like the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his entire life. "No, Felicity, never."
He got up from his chair, and took a small step towards her, almost as if he were afraid of being too close. "Diggle was so brave. He wanted to protect you from Slade, like I should have done. It really was a stupid plan and I put you in danger and I didn't warn him. That was my fault. He called me."
Felicity's heart skipped a beat. "What?"
"He called me. I talked to him while he..." He trailed off. "I told him. I asked him what he was doing there and I said I had a plan, and he laughed and cursed me and said I should have warned him before he left. I asked what was happening and he said he had an arrow sticking out of his stomach and that he would be dead in minutes. I told him I was coming, that I would call an ambulance for him, but he told me not to waste a single minute. He told me to go and meet Slade and stick to the plan and tell Lyla he loved her."
There were more tears falling from Felicity's eyes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"I called the ambulance for him, but they couldn't save him." He said, his voice raw with emotion. "I didn't know you were blaming yourself like this. I wanted to tell you about this either way, though, but not through a voice-mail or a text message. I never got the chance."
A small sob escaped from her lips, and Oliver's arms were around her before she could blink. She buried herself against his chest and shut her eyes tightly. She tried to stop crying but the tears kept on coming. She had cried over Diggle's death enough times, but this was different. This wasn't just sadness or guilt. This was relief, too. And this was Oliver's arms around her, and the prospect of finally having some closure, finally learning how to live with the pain.
"Felicity." Oliver whispered, and Felicity realized right then and there how much she missed him saying her name.
She detached herself from his arms with an effort, and wiped at her eyes. "I miss him."
"I miss him, too." Oliver wiped a tear still falling down her cheek.
"And I miss you." Felicity said, her voice a whisper. She felt so vulnerable, and yet at the same time the strongest she had felt in the last five years.
"Don't leave me again, then. Stay."
Felicity closed her eyes and shook her head. "Oliver, I can't."
"Felicity-"
"I have a life in Chicago. A job. I don't have a lot of friends, that's not exactly news, but..."
"You can have a job here, too. And a life. With me."
Felicity tried not to think too hard on what he meant by that. "I can't. What you told me, about Dig, it changes things. For the better. But I still can't stay here, Oliver. There are too many memories, too much hurt. I left because of Diggle but I stayed because of me."
Oliver looked desperate. "I love you."
Felicity's breath got caught in her throat. "No."
"Yes." He took her hand in his. "Yes."
"No. I've changed, Oliver. You don't know me anymore, you don't- No."
"Of course I know you. I loved you five years ago. Six years ago. I meant it, that night, when it was supposed to be just a plan, I already meant it. And I love you now. I never stopped. I gave up on being the Arrow because you weren't there. Laurel got married, Roy and Thea are engaged, and I'm here, because there's no one else for me but you. I love you, I'll never stop loving you, and I need you."
Felicity felt dizzy and sick, and she feared she could pass out any minute. "I'm sorry, Oliver."
"I know you love me. I know."
"Please, don't." Felicity's voice was barely a whisper.
"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me, Felicity." He gripped her hand firmly, yet gently.
She looked. She tried to get the words out. I don't love you. But they weren't true, were they? All this time, Felicity worried about how much Oliver probably hated her, about how alone he must have been after she left. She regretted leaving him, not the city or her job or even the Arrow thing, no, it was all him. She loved him before, too, and she never truly stopped love him, but it was different now. She was too different and too damaged and now she had something, a small comfort to help her live with the pain, but it didn't help much. She was too far gone.
"I'm not the Felicity you knew once, Oliver. I don't babble. I don't blush at silly little sexual innuendos that escape from my mouth once every two hours. I focus on my work and I try to go through a day without thinking about my past. These five years, they were my Island. And as much as I wish I could go back from that, I can't. I spent way too long feeling miserable and undeserving of the littlest bit of happiness. I can't go back to the way I was before that in the blink of an eye."
Oliver looked at her with big green eyes, once again full of hurt, and it made Felicity hate herself all over again.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Oliver blinked and tears fell down his eyes. She wiped one of them out with a shaking hand. "I should never have come here. I'm sorry, I keep making things worse. I promise you, you won't have to see me again, Oliver Queen." She smiled sadly, like she was so well-accustomed to. "You'll move on and be happy and remember me once in a while, and I'll try and be happy too, because this is what I came here to do. I came to apologize and to allow myself to heal. Heal for me, Oliver. Be happy."
He took her hand in his and touched his forehead to hers. "I love you."
She thought for a second he was going to kiss her. She wanted to. She wanted that for so long, she couldn't understand how she had gone through five years of not even reading about him, because right now just the thought of leaving that office made her feel like she was about to break into a million pieces. She wanted him so much, and she loved him and missed him more than she could put into words.
Yet she couldn't. Just because you want something, it doesn't mean you can have it.
She took a step backward and met his gaze one last time before walking away.
And like five years ago, there was no looking back. No goodbye. It was better that way. It was the only way she knew, after all.
Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
Ouch. I just couldn't wait to post this chapter. Review, please? It means a lot to me. Thank you!
