AN: I'm literally writing this on a caffeine high, so it might not make that much sense I'm so sorry, I hope it works because I felt kinda unmotivated to carry on with it but I had some very nice feedback from some lovely people and I didn't want to let anyone down so hey lovelies this is chapter 2. This is written very ooc by the way.

I could explain it, but I wouldn't tell you

Luffy

There he was.

In the minimal amount of breaths that rushed from my lips, I saw him. He was like a sun in the middle of a hauntingly gloomy day, and he was there.

My lips curled, letting him see that I was happy now. Sorry I took so long, brother. I'm here now, shh, don't cry, stop crying, how old are you c'mon...

It wasn't him. It won't ever be him.

He's gone.

It's been a long time since I've woken in a cold sweat, in a state of little awareness and vulnerability. I don't know what's bringing back all of the things that plague my mind, but they're coming and they're coming quickly. Clouding my mind with their hurtful words and discouraging statements. All I want is for you to die. Is that too hard to ask of a dead person? Is it too much of a request for you to lie in your grave and sleep there?

I need to move on, I HAD moved on. I love you, but leave me alone now.

It's not funny any more.

"Hey Luff." A tap on the back of my head got me more than it would have normally. I stood, and began to breathe heavily, it was noticeable, too. Even worse, it was Zoro."You alright? Sorry were you sleeping?" He moved his hand to touch my shoulder, I shuddered even though it was a safe touch. He moved away slightly, creasing his eyebrows and standing still in a 'what's going on?' pose.

I opened my mouth, about to say something. When something that hadn't happened in a long while hit my gut like a bullet.

Panic.

I didn't know where it was coming from, or where I was, or where I was going. All I remember was locking the bathroom door and feeling nothing but breathlessness.

It wasn't really the same after that. I felt ashamed, Zoro's and Sanji's faces jumped in front of everything I did, and every dream I had.

Now they were there, and I was more terrified than I had ever been.

"Luffy, me and Chopper want to talk to you." Sanji sat me down at the dinner table, he'd called me there, assuming he wanted an apology for the morning, I had gone with the request. Everyone was back on board, but no one seemed particularly suspicious of any previous events. Sanji had kindly mopped away the blood that I can barely remember even spilling, all I can remember is the bandages around my wrists and thighs, tied tightly but gently into place.

"What about?" I slid against the counter, keeping as level headed as I could. If I could prove I was okay, they'd leave it, right?

Sanji cradled my chin suddenly, pressing my head against the top cupboard door. He looked agitated, slightly. His breathing was hoarse and ragged through a cigarette he'd slipped to the side of his mouth, and to be honest, it was a comforting smell.

"You know what" I didn't know I was holding my breath. I couldn't understand why either, like the earlier panic attack. Again, the panic started to spread, slower this time. I understood that it was shitty of me to pretend nothing was wrong, but I'd feel shittier to force everything on my family's shoulders. My burdens were my own.

My mistakes were my own.

"I'm alright, Sanji. It comes and goes." It did, most of the time. When I was on that island for 2 years on my own, however. That felt different, because there wasn't much reason to hold back if no one could see. But now, everyone can see, and if it keeps up I won't be a captain any more. At the bottom of the ocean I should be, because that's where the trash goes.

He coughed, it sounded slightly like a laugh, but the smoke was blurring all the words that came out of his mouth. Then it wasn't the smoke, it was me.

Within seconds, I was on the floor. I could hear Sanji saying my name, and he pulled me up to my feet when I opened my eyes, but I kept blacking out each time and it was getting more and more scary. "Just, s-stay there a second...don't move." He'd pinned my arms down this time, he didn't stop talking to me. My vision got blotchy a few times and my hearing wasn't the best but he didn't stop talking. It was calming, and it was making the fear subside. But the physical side of it was that I'd lost so much blood and eaten so little, that hypotension had sunk in.

"'m sorry Sanji.." I muttered through the dark patches, I was certain I could hear "it's okay" but I wasn't sure, mostly because I didn't believe it.

I let the dark wash over me, because it felt safe, it felt like sleep, and it was this time. I was going to sleep.

The feeling of meeting you had vaporized in that moment. I had my dreams back. Where you were just a memory, and I was powerful, I could take down armies, I could help people, I could make friends, and I wasn't a burden.

It didn't last for long though, the moment I awoke, in the sick bay, next to Sanji and Chopper's concerned faces. I felt powerless again.

I've never felt fear paralyse me like this.

The worst part is, I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

I'm starting to think it's myself.

Sanji

He's sprung up from the bed, like he had a few hours before. I'd never seen someone so terrified, and honestly, I was wearing the exact same look back.

No, I was going to just say it. Be blunt, he's your captain after all. He's gotta hear the truth. And the truth was, he'd tried to commit suicide that morning. He's broken his skin apart, he'd bled and he'd cried. There was no explanation, there was no warning, and I needed that. I needed an explanation more than anything.

It scared the living shit out of me. That shit head thought he could actually die on me? Ridiculous. I'm not having it, I won't.

I won't.

"What is it, Sanji?" The doctor had perked his ears up, his fur ruffling in the draft through the sick bay. "If it's another question about the female anatom-"

"No, no. Well, maybe later but no. Not now."

"Is it about Luffy?" He seemed to sigh, not out of frustration, it felt sad. Like he could choke on his words if he said too much. I nodded slowly, and he sighed again. "Sanji, I know. I know what he's been doing, I know how he's feeling, but it's something that medicine doesn't cure."

"But you're the only one who'd know what to do." I felt warm water drip across my balled up fists. "You're the only one who can do something. I couldn't do anything but save his life this morning. That's not enough. Just living isn't enough." I pleaded in desperate gasps. "Save him."

"Calm down Sanji, shhhhhhhh I didn't say there wasn't a cure. But it's not easy. The human heart and mind is not an easy thing to cure. Especially after, probably more than 2 years now. It takes a long time to fix someone." Chopper patted my fists gently.

"I have time."

Screw being the pirate king. Screw the government. Screw my sexual desires. Luffy was more important. Luffy was more important than anything. I think all of us would agree that.

"Luffy. Talk to us." My eyes welled up unwillingly, and I reached out for him. But the hand reached for nothing, as he was gone. His mind far from here. There must be so much pain beneath his skin that none of us could even begin to understand, but I did understand that he had to come back. He was that strong, and he could come back.

I think everyone needed to know that.

"Luffy please, come back." I watched him scratch at his arms in a frightened haze. I watched Chopper transform just to hold him down, to prevent him hurting any more.

"GET OUT!" He screamed. "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

He wasn't talking to us, he wasn't even in the room.

It was him. I was certain it was him.

"GO AWAY!" He sobbed, and all I could do was hold him and wonder how it got to this.

I could've been there, but I wasn't, none of us were.

And it made a broken man from a statue of gold.

To be continued...