She stood on the bridge that had held so many memories for her. Watching him and Yahiko fish, anxiously watching him and Sano as they embarked on their journeys to other towns, small missions for meager wages to help with upkeep of the dojo.
A night of a thousand fireflies and being held by the man she loved, even if it was in goodbye.
Tears brimmed over in her eyes and she let them fall. She was never a crier...at least she tried not to be. She was blessed with a lot in her life.
She was healthy for one, she had a roof over her head, despite its constant upkeep, she was well fed and she had what she considered to be some of the best friends in the world.
She laughed to herself sadly. It was really her own fault, she knew. No one else was to blame for her selfish desires. It was just human nature wasnt it, to never be satisfied? Isnt that why her enemies had such problems?
Thirst for money, or power, or revenge...it was the cause of all their problems in the first place. Wanting more than they had, more than god saw fit to give them.
But wasnt she just as guilty? So what if her wants werent as tangible? So what if they wouldnt heighten her place in society. It didnt change how selfish they were. She knew it and would barely give herself permission to concede it in the depths of her own heart.
She loved him. The hitokiri battousai. Himura Kenshin. Her foolish, wandering rurouni that had made this humble dojo his home.
But how could she not love a man like him? He was as pure and good as they came. She knew he disagreed, knew he believed himself to be damaged and unworthy.
She loved him anyway.
He was the very symbol of all the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu stood for, he carried the very sword that could be credited for protecting her and all she loved, and carrying them into the new era on his own magnificent strength.
In the face of that, she knew her feelings were foolish. He scarecely touched her, hell, he barely even looked her in the eye. He wouldnt even call her name without honorifics.
So what if she was completely and utterly head over heels for the man?
It certainly didnt mean she deserved him...and it certainly didnt mean he felt the same.
Another sob got caught in her throat.
She knew that, especially after tonight.
God, this sucked.
Not only did he first kiss get taken by a disgustingly cocky and stumbling drunk patron of the Akebeko, but she made the stupid decision to not stick around as Tae and Yahiko suggested. On the trail home, thats when she saw them. She knew that they had come to dinner together, but she assumed that Kenshin was going to be helping her and Doctor Gensai gather supplies from the neighboring town as he frequently did. He didnt do anything overtly romantic throughout the night. And Megumi was always handsy around him. despite how jealous it made her, she was always mollified by the fact that he never seemed to show any interest.
Now she realized that Kenshin may just be more of a private person than she realized.
She was determined to have all her tears out tonight. She wouldnt let him see, wouldnt let the pain show. He deserved better than that. Megumi kissed him after all, clearly she held affection for him. Sometimes it seemed like there was such chemistry between her and Sano. The same chemistry she felt below her skin when Kenshins hands would bump into hers when they both reached for the tea kettle, or when he would warmly bid her goodnight before she closed the door to her room.
Apparently she was even more of a child than she thought, she did not understand romance at all.
The thought made her even more thoroughly depressed.
The only thing that stopped her selfish train of thought was him, her Kenshin.
How long had she thought of him like that? Her heart took one true glance at the man and claimed possession of him, and that just wasnt fair. He of all people deserved happiness, and joy...and more love than anyone else on this planet. It wasnt up to her to choose whom he loved in return.
With a hard swallow and a shake, she made up her mind. Brushing off her kimono, she dried her eyes along the sleve and made her way back to the dojo. She knew the kind of man he was, his whole life he had such a selfless heart.
He would never allow himself to love someone and be loved in return if he bore witness to the pain it caused someone he cared about. She refused to tear up her family either, as tight knit and happy as they were. Sure, sanosuke was also hurt by their choice, but he knew how much Kenshin deserved this...she knew that ultimately his best friend wouldnt begrudge him his happiness. Which meant one thing:
She was the only person who would be getting in the way.
Kenshin stayed awake in vigil, it was well after midnight, closer to the rise of the sun than its setting, as he sat on the porch of the dojo and waited, sword at his side.
His stomach was in knots with worry, strain and impatience. And if he were to admit it to himself...so was his heart.
His eyes swung over to the creaking gate to the dojo. He felt it again, but it was much more muted. The pain was still there, he realized with a wince, but it was deeply buried in her ki below a shield of unwavering determination. He stood to walk towards her and sucked in a shocked breath.
She was so beautiful. Her sapphire eyes glistening in the soft moonlight. The cascade of her hair over one shoulder, those deep ebony tresses he privately longed to run his fingers through as she slept.
How she was standing there while in so much obvious pain was a complete mystery to him. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen from crying, her nose a cute pink that it would often times be in the colder months, but on this balmy summer night, he knew that wasnt the case.
Unbearable longing began to wring at his insides. Never had he seen a girl so lovely in such need of strong arms to hold her close.
"...Himura-san...what are you doing up?"
What?
His heart wrenched at her words. The walls were up around her heart now for certain, he knew. But even still, this distance was intolerable.
"This one has never heard you call him so formally, that I have not..."
Her smile did not reach her eyes when she replied, rubbing her arms with her hands. "It seemed more appropriate, now that you are in a courtship, I shouldnt be so informal with you."
His heart beat in a rough staccato, her determined shield broke as she spoke, and her ki flared painfully, it felt agonizing to him. There was no mistaking it now. Sanosuke was right. He wasn't so completely and utterly foolish that it was almost incomprehensible. His master Hiko was right, he was an idiot of epic proportion.
"Kaoru-dono...theres...theres a misunderstanding here, that there is. But you look tired, and this one fears you will fall over asleep before...before I can properly explain the truth." He swallowed.
She laughed softly and hollowly. The sound leaving her mouth so fake and forced that he never wanted to hear it again. Her life should be filled with joy and happiness...she was, to him, the symbol of all that was good in the world. He never wanted her to act in front of him again.
"This one has a most selfish request, that he does."
"Hmm?" Kaoru responded, curious as to what kenshin could ever want that could be selfish.
He softly padded up to her, and her heart started to pound, despite her mental protests.
Quite softly and gently, his hand reached up to her cheek and his knuckles brushed it. She realized then that her tears had continued to fall without her knowledge of consent. With the lightest of touches, his fingers cradled the back of her head, and pulled her closed. Wrapping his other arm around her shoulders, he brushed her hair from the top of her head, down to the small of her back in smooth, soothing strokes.
The pain inside her simultaneously sharpened, and calmed as he bent his head to her ear and whispered in a low voice, shocking her with his lack of formality:
"Just this...just this once, Kaoru."
With his noze nuzzled in her hair, taking in the sweet scent of jasmine, he felt at home. He felt her ki flare up again in pain, but an even stronger sensation came with it. He recalled this feeling at random moments in time. When she would come out to see him hanging laundry, shared cups of tea on the porch, and quiet dinners alone, when Yahiko would eat in town with Tsubame and her family. It was warm and gentle and comforting as it always was, and just when he thought he couldnt feel any more foolish for his obliviousness than he already did, he realized what it was.
There was an underlying nervousness and tension to the feeling he had never bothered to wonder about. It was shielded, not to decieve, but out of a strong fear of rejection. A tenuous yearning...a strong but gentle love that he felt resonate in every single cell of his being.
His arms tightened around her, and now that he knew what the feeling was, he became overwhelmed with a desire to strengthen that tenuous bond. To make her ki flare up with this feeling more intensely than despair had ever touched her.
He always knew he wanted it, but never dared to ask for it. But he would not reject a miraculous gift so freely given to him.
He would show her that Sanosuke was wrong. He did see Kaoru Kamiya. He saw her, and loved her with every fiber of his being and had for longer than he could remember.
Tomorrow he would show her that there was no woman on this planet that he deemed more worthy than she.
