CHAPTER 2: The Irony

Summary: Reflecting on his dream come true, Steve realizes just how complicated his feelings are and Myra is the first to know.


TWO YEARS AGO...

Grabbing ahold of his suspenders, Laura tugged Steve down beside her on the couch. He didn't know whether to run for his life or ravish her as she scooted in closer to gently graze the back of his neck with her fingertips, and he sat completely frozen in terror yet hypnotized by her beautiful browns as she peered at him with a desire he'd never seen there before.

"Steve, I've been thinking back over all the years we've known each other and how relentlessly you pursued me. Then today ... all of a sudden I realized ... I'm in love with you."

The sincerity in her voice warmed his heart so much, it melted. As did his will-power and the compass of his morals; he suddenly forgot why this had been a bad idea. "I've dreamed of hearing those words ever since the first day I laid eyes on you."

"Well, you're not dreaming now," Laura insisted, barely above a whisper.

As if their lips were suddenly magnetic, they were drawn to each other in a gentle and affectionate quarrel, Steve reaching to embrace her as she leaned into him. Every second his lips touched hers, his heart thundered in his chest harder and harder, chiseling away at his notorious self-control by the second...only when he came up for air was he given a fresh breath of his sanity.

"Oh, no! NO!" To Laura's surprise, their kiss ended just as unexpectedly as it began as Steve ripped himself from her and popped up from the couch abruptly in a panicked frenzy.

"Oh ... oh, no, this is wrooong!" he cried as Laura also stood from the couch with a confused scowl on her face. "Oh, but it feels so right!" He rushed back to her side, marveling at the fact that she was actually allowing him to touch her ... and he thoroughly enjoyed the few seconds he held her waist before quickly pulling away like he'd been shocked by electricity. "Oh, but this is baaad!"

Wait a minute, was he a fool or something?! This was Laura Winslow! The woman of dreams, both night and day! This quickly considered, he stepped in once again and embraced her with a wicked grin. "...But I like bad!" She seemed to agree with him and the way she touched him and actually held him in return threatened to break him all the way down to his knees. But ... he couldn't do it! He refused to misuse science in the name of his own selfish desires!

"Oh no, I must be strong - be strong!" he demanded of himself, exhaling three times in quick succession as he power walked away - as far away as he could across the room, leaving his dream come true standing there baffled.

"Steve, what's the matter?"

"Oh, Laura ... the feelings you have for me a fake! A fraud! A sham! A cheat!" he confessed contritely.

"What are you talking about?"

"Laura, I made a love potion called 'Woo Woo Juice' and spilled it on myself! You walked in and, bam! You never stood a chance, baby."

"Wait a minute, my devotion comes from a potion?"

"Yeah, we gotta slow down before we make that motion." And just to ensure she got the drift, he Urkel-ed his hips in a subtle wiggle motion to and fro. He then produced a small flask with a translucent red liquid and showed it to her. "This is the antidote. The moment I put it on, your feelings for me will fade faster than Milli-Vanilli's career."

"Steve. I don't believe my feelings for you are fake. And even if they are, I don't care."

His brow shot up in shock. "...You don't?"

"No. I love being in love with you."


To Steve, she had almost sounded disappointed that he would think any differently that night - that he would even question her "love" for him. In fact, the more he journeyed through that memory, the more he regretted doing the right thing.

But he knew it had just been the potion talking. He recalled just how quickly her repulsion for him returned when he spilled the 'Woo Woo Juice' antidote on himself and how much it hurt to realize the only love it seemed she was capable of having for him was artificial at worst and platonic at best. Laura had told him before what her real fantasy of him had been: to see him waving to her from the back of a moving van. He wondered how much of that statement had actually been a joke.

Caught in an emotional net between the shock that came from kissing Laura at the auction last night and the sobering reality that he would never be worthy of her, he gave a defeated sigh as his thoughts drifted back to all those times he came incredibly close to actually catching her, only to be shoved away at arm's length.

Cupping his chin in his hand as he rocked back and forth on the swinging bench in his backyard, he was starting to feel just as pathetic as everybody saw him to be.

"Hello there, my little snugglebuns!" a cheerful voice rang out.

Well. Everyone except Myra.

Her appearance prompted Steve to flinch out of his thoughts to see his peppy girlfriend skipping across the yard in a flowy bright yellow and white polka-dot cocktail dress with a button-choking tight corset, complete with matching lacy knee and elbow safety pads. If that didn't seem odd enough, Steve couldn't figure out why she had a pearl-lined protective helmet tucked beneath her arm either.

"Oh. Hi, Myra," he murmured, heavy-hearted, before returning his chin back to the perch of his palm. She looked very pretty but not even her sensuosity was enough to pep him up. His apathetic mood both concerning and offensive, Myra set her fists on her hips and hovered over Steve once reaching him. The fact that he was now caught in the shadow of her bosoms wasn't even enough to spark his usually over-zealous personality.

"Steven, what's the meaning of this? Why aren't you dressed, did you forget about our swing dance lesson tonight? Took me an hour to get into this dress, y'know," she demanded, her peppy voice firm but eerily sweet.

Steve's brows perked as he realized he'd completely forgotten about their date. Genuinely contrite, his shoulders sunk even more. "Oh. I'm sorry, Myra," he moaned, feeling like a complete failure. "We might have to take a rain check, sugarlips. I'm not feeling too hot."

Myra instantly softened, giving a soft gasp as she dropped the helmet and rushed closer to him, brushing her hand against the back of his head tenderly. "Ohhh, my poor, poor honey bump! Here." Before Steve knew it, his face was being smashed against her bosoms, his body flailing at the abruptness of the nurturing gesture. His eyes widened to the size of saucers as he gripped at the ropes of the swing for balance.

"Just let mama take on the burden of that incredibly large brain and be the net for the woes your heart has set adrift," Myra chirped poetically, her voice dreamy as she continued to bury Steve's head into her chest, petting him like a beloved possession. "Now tell me where it hurts, my little boysenberry muffin!"

This sort of thing came with the territory with being Myra's love muffin and so Steve managed to recover pretty quickly despite the shock that momentarily dizzied him. "Right here," he said with a long-faced pout, pointing at the center of his chest as he nuzzled his head against her chest in surrender since it didn't seem as if she would let go anytime soon.

Of course, he'd be wrong. Grabbing his jaw with the opposite hand, Myra forcibly lifted his chin to glare into his eyes while keeping him as close as possible.

"...This doesn't have anything to do with that tart of a she-devil, does it?" she asked, a hint of bitterness in her sweet tone, but Steve still could tell it wouldn't be easy to get off the hook.

"Bunny butt, we've been through this before," he said once she let go of his jaw, almost pleading since it always amounted to that whenever Laura came up. "The woman has got my heart in an inflatable lifeboat full of holes in the middle of the Atlantic and she's always casting away."

Frustrated, Myra released him and took a step back, her hands calmly returning to her hips. "You're right, Steven. We have been through this before. And I still don't understand why on Earth you have it so bad for a selfish little trollop who wouldn't know a good man if she stepped on one." Uh-oh. Steve could tell she was getting angry now and he shrunk away timidly. Myra always got incredibly calm before she exploded.

"I can't expect you to understand, Myra. In fact, there's something else you should know about Laura." He didn't believe in keeping secrets from his loved ones and knew that it was now or never to once again remind her of where his heart really lie. "Now, this news is kind of upsetting so please don't freak out, okay?"

"Stevie, who do you take me for?" Myra chimed with a charming smile. "I'm the most level-headed woman you know." And she stomped back in his direction, her voice an octave lower as she seethed aggressively through her teeth: "Now, tell me."

Jeez, it was like trying to bargain with a bulldog in a dress. He proceeded with caution. "Oh, all right. Well. I was in her sorority's kissing auction last night -"

"AHHHH!" Myra squealed, the ear-piercing sound launching Steve right out of the swing as he tumbled backward into the thorny flower bed behind him. Scrambling to get to his feet, he yelped in pain as he tried to pluck thorns out of the seat of his pants.

"You mean a roomful of witches in heat had their sewer-infested lips all over my Stevie?! Why didn't you tell me you were going to this... this... bird fest?!" Myra demanded once he was stable enough to communicate.

"W-well," he stuttered, finding his footing as he slowly backed away from her, finding the most logical explanation possible. "Because I knew you'd bid your life savings and you need that money for your mother's toe-removal surgery."

As right as he was, Myra wasn't buying it. "That's not the only reason, is it? Spill it, you womanizer!" she seethed as she closed in on him but he stood his ground and grabbed ahold of her shoulders to stop her from crowding him completely.

"Calm down, Myra! Nobody actually bid on me ..." he insisted.

As a result, Myra deflated with relief as a smile sprung to her face. "Oh, good..."

"...Except Laura," he rambled quickly, hoping it was quick enough for her not to catch. Unfortunately..

"AHHHHHHHH!"

And that scream, fit the snap glass, had Steve scurrying for the nearest tree in his backyard, hiding behind the trunk. "Good Lord, woman, could you scream any louder? I don't think the whales heard you calling!" he remarked as he cowered with his hands over his ears.

Ignoring his sarcasm, Myra cut right to the chase ...but this time, the peppiness had escaped her and she sounded genuinely hurt. "And you kissed her?!"

Hearing the dejection in her voice, he revealed himself from behind the tree slowly, his eyes seeded with guilt for the pain he knew he was causing her. But he also knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he wasn't honest with her. "... For a hundred big ones. It was for a good cause!"

And the furiosity that struck her face triggered his instant regret for coming out from hiding. She stormed angrily towards him and gave chase as he began to run from her around the backyard. "Whoa! Myra! Take it easy - you know I'm a bleeder! Besides, it was just two kisses!"

"Two kisses?!" Myra stopped in her tracks just long enough to lift an accusing finger, her expression gathering storm clouds before her stalking continued. Steve scampered accordingly. "Let me get this straight. You mean that not only did you go to this man-stealing floozy-affair without even telling me, but you let that hussy put her undeserving lips on my Stevie twice?! Just stomp and spit on my heart over and over, why don'tcha?! Did you wake up with a death wish or something?!"

Boy, he must've. Grabbing her helmet as she ran past it, she launched it at him and though he was able to duck in time, the very action was too much for his limited coordination and it sent him stumbling forward into the swing, curling around it a few times before dropping to the ground. "Myra - ow! - M-Myra!"

"Oh, Steven Q. Urkel, how could you?!" Stopping her pursuit, she wasn't sure what else to do but pout as she watched her helpless honey try to escape her rage as he desperately scattered to his feet. As angry as she was, she never liked to see her schnookums hurt. "I love you more than the sky loves sunlight and you put your lips on another woman. And on top of everything else, you lied to me."

"Oh, come now, I am an Urkel and Urkels don't lie! Why, it's proven to be hazardous to our health!" he declared in his defense before shrinking into his guilt once again, admitting cautiously, "...I just... neglected to mention it, that's all!" When it was clear by the look of disappointment on her face and her resounding silence that he was being insensitive, all he could do was hang his head in defeat. "Oh, Myra. I've got to stay true to my heart and no matter how many times Laura breaks it ...it mends back together for another run around the track."

He'd seen that heartbroken look on her face before and he had to wonder why the truth was always so painful. He was almost sure it was a scientific phenomenon with a practical answer. But before he could ponder further, Myra regarded him with a disheartened sniffle.

"Y'know, Stevie. I always respected your feelings for that little tramp, even when she continues to stomp you down like grapes in a wine pit." Ouch. There's that truth again. Steve couldn't help but cringe a little. "But wanna know what's so ironic? What hurts the most is that if there's anybody in the world who could understand how I feel about loving someone who doesn't love me the same way ...it should be you."

The truth slapped him dead across the face. Stunned by her statement, he was speechless as he watched her stomp away from him and towards the gate of the yard, riddled with remorse and confusion. He had never even thought of it like that. "B-but... I'm sorry, Myra," he croaked, hoping he'd heard her before she was out of earshot, though he couldn't have known for sure.

As he stared at the swinging gate in her wake, he was pensive. Was it really his fault that he wasn't in love with her the way she wanted him to be? It really sucked because he did like Myra a lot but at the end of the day, her possessiveness left much to be desired ...In that case, was it Laura's fault that she would never love him in that way? Jeez, who was he kidding? This conundrum was more baffling than advanced biomechanical engineering. With a sigh, he plopped back onto the swing and sunk into his self-pity.

But then. A hand slowly lifted to rub at his whisker-less chin, brows perking as his eyes wandered within the frames of his glasses in deep thought. When the light bulb switched, his forlorn expression lit up and his Urkel mind went awry.

There's only one way out of this one, Urk man, he dared himself, inwardly accepting the challenge. One solitary way indeed.


CONTINUED in Chapter 3 -