Disclaimer: I don't own Doki Doki Literature club or Naruto.
Chapter 6: Opportune idiocies
Did you ever wonder what life'd be like if you were always the best at what you did? If you never failed beyond a minimum threshold every task. Say once or twice. Wouldn't you think you could do anything? Like conquering the world, becoming a pirate, winning the heavyweight championship while being a featherweight.
Your confidence and the stick up your ass would be through the roof! Because hey, nothing can stop this one man win-o-maniac. Or a win-orama, like a panorama but filled with your awesome.
Everybody looked up to you. Everybody. They had to because you were on an altogether different level than them. Your very presence inspired awe, envy, and a shift from the ordinary happenings to the extraordinary occurrings.
Each had their own reactions to you. Your Parents? Life's first good cop bad cop, sugar and spice, or what may you.
"Now that's what I call a model son. Keep up the good work or no more candy for you," said your ambitious father.
"Dear! Aren't you being too harsh? You know how much he loves stuffing his mouth with that terrible food," said your mother with a long glance towards you and a sigh, "if only he'd eat his mother's delicious vegetables made with love."
For a normal person this'd have been the classic carrot and stick.
But since you were a ninja, you'd secretly meet your father later and hash out another deal, involving arranged marriages and clan meeting attendance. Because, by the Sage, you hated vegetables.
So for a ninja the term, carrot, stick and hidden knife, is a more accurate and funner description.
And other people reacted in a similar vein.
Your cousin?
"Aw, man! You got it one go! Awesome!"
Your sensei?
"Here's the scroll, learn the jutsu, wake me when you're done."
Your brother?
"Big brother, do you think I can be as strong as you someday? 'cause you're the bestest most awesome bro in the whole wide world!" Insert cutesy, cheek pinch worthy, adorable puppy face.
Boy, didn't that turn into a frown after a little domestic violence.
Anyway.
This boiling pot of awe, pressure, expectations, and splendor tends to have a certain effect on the mind, twist it in a certain way. You can't help looking at those less gifted and compare them with yourself. How long were they going to take for their menial tasks? You can't help looking at those more skilled and compare yourself against them. If you had a week's time you bet you could've done better than them.
Everything and everyone becomes a measure. Because all through your formative years, that's been what was hammered into your head. A measure. A grade. A praise. A reward. A punishment. All conspired to make you a measure, conspired to make you dependent on a measure to measure the immeasurable. Namely you, the individual.
As long as you kept fast in your excellence, it is unlikely you'd every face inner conflict. You'd just be following the pattern that'd been set out by the people who came before you. Their intentions, benevolent or selfish, notwithstanding.
But at some point in your life, you'd face a situation which baffles you.
"Hellooo, Dipshit? Anyone home?"
Something which you can't seem to tackle, let alone hope to beat. All your hard earned, blood and sweat greedy, ninja arts rendered useless in the face of an oblivious girl.
"Oooh, that's a scary glare! Let me try! ...how's that?"
The boy growled. Damn it, was this girl immune to genjutsu or was she just too dumb to imagine stuff? The boy, formerly known as Uchiha Badass Itachi, now known as Dipshit, was suffering a mental crisis. And taking advantage of the situation, his apparent 'best friend' grabbed his hand and started walking him.
"Come on, hurry up! We'll be late!"
Itachi retreated into his mind, determined to hack away at this problem. What problem you ask? The problem that none of his techniques seemed to be working on the girl and that he was slowly becoming a parallel of his forebearer.
The missing-nin grit his teeth. Why was he such an obedient boy? Look where that got him. Holding hands with a happy go lucky girl who just friend-zoned him. What the hell? Talk about leading someone on...
Even his threats of burning down her house didn't work.
"I'll just sleepover at your house, dummy. I'll bring the board games and chips!"
Yeah... board games in his house. Hopefully Sasuke will welcome him open arms after all these years. Pft. As if. And why the hell was she still leading him on!
Itachi dragged his hand down his face.
Was all his past success even real? Or was he just living in a bubble? This can't be right. This can't. Can it? He's the cannon. He's the kunai. He's the big man on the block. All of that falling down like a tower of cards? Inconceivable.
He had to do something. He had to do it now lest the loser in him solidify. He had to get this woman to fear him. Oh yes, he could just disappear her but there'd be no point in that. He'd just be disappearing his issue. He had to conquer the issue. Because hey, he could conquer the world, be a pirate, win the heavyweight championship while being a featherweight. What's a mouse of a girl compared to that?
He'd show her just how much of a bad boy he could be. Itachi smirked and chuckled evilly.
Sayori laughed in tandem.
Itachi swore.
Meanwhile, in real time.
Terumi Mei stared at the foaming mouth of the Mizukage who was rolling on the floor and babbling incoherently.
"Wuur gonna go to spaaacce," said Yagura with glazed eyes and a happy grin. He proceeded to make snow angels on the hard floor.
All the mist ninja gathered in the Mizukage's chamber looked at each other, hoping the other would know what to do. They shifted their gaze to the guy they'd found along with their leader.
"I am the universe... I am one with it... It is I... I is it... Dun-Dun-Dun... With it one am I... Universe am I the...?" he said, from his vantage point of the sofa which overlooked the domain of the ceiling fan. And as the fan spun, he said, "And round and round... like a merry-go-round... in a playing ground... I am astound... yeah." He giggled.
"Man!" blurted out a mist ninja, probably a chunin given his lack of restraint. "These guys are trippin' hard!"
Mei grimaced when he stated the obvious. She'd planned on telling them to leave the Mizukage to his private fancies and then killing him swiftly.
But some jackass just had to point out how bad they looked. Mei sighed, so much for an easy win. She wistfully looked at the kage on the floor. Pretending to be a dog now, he stared at the nearest ninja with wide eyes and butted his nose against his leg, panting eagerly.
Mei rubbed her chin. Maybe she could still work this in her favor. Deciding to take a gamble, she kneeled down next to Yagura, shoving the other ninja away. Giving him a bright smile she said, "Yagura-sama, can I pretty please be the Mizukage?"
Yagura tilted his head, confused. "Arf?"
One of the background ninjas protested, "hey! You can't do tha-" A hand slapped itself over his mouth from behind. The hand's owner, a kunoichi, gave Mei a thumbs up and motioned her to continue. Similarly some other ninjas were being bound up by some other ninjas.
Mei smiled, it was good to have supporters. Back to Yagura again, "come on Yagura-sama, you'll have all the treats you could ever want!" She started started scratching his head and cooed, "who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy who wants to make me the Mizukage?"
Yagura barked happily, "Me! Arf! Me!" Three chakra tails sprung out of his butt and wagged in the air.
Mei jumped and pumped a fist in the air. "Alright! You all heard the man! Uh, dog? Whatever! I'm the Mizukage now! If anyone asks there was an epic battle in which I graciously spared the tyrant's life in exchange for his position."
All the ninjas present exchanged glances, nodded, and broke off from their engagement. They began one by one.
"Ah well, you see Terumi-san, Yagura-sama was planning on giving me a raise. So if you just, you know..."
"Gosh, sure would be great to have more vacation days instead of no fucking breaks at risk of death."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Hey I think he likes me! Can I keep him?"
"Meow."
"I'm a bloodline protection activist! Say no to violence against bloodlines!"
"Oh, a social justice ninja. The hell were you doing during Yagura's reign? Hiding under a rock?"
"Say Terumi-san, you look like you could use a stud like me by your side. That'll seal my lips for good."
Needless to say the last guy got blasted out the window.
Blowing on her steaming fist, Mei stared at the rest of the demanding chorus with twitching eyes. "Not even a day and I feel like reenacting the legend of midget," she said under her breath.
Hiding within the trees outside the office, Kisame stared at the whole scene occurring with wide eyes.
"Itachi, what the hell man?! Muh true world... I better go check on Madara."
With that he water poofed away.
Back at the Mizukage's chamber, Mei dismissed the ninjas with her new Mizukage powers(read: threatened to boil them in oil), had Yagura sent to a containment facility, and now stood before the mystery in the room.
"Just who are you?" she said, leaning over him.
The man with the slashed forehead protector blinked gave her a silly smile. "Whooaa, Yaguraaa. We dead, bro? 'cause I think an angel's here to get meee. Be my wingman, brah. Oh shit wait, she's already got wings..., never mind."
Despite herself, Mei blushed. Well he was cute... And she wasn't getting any younger...
Maybe he could tell her what happened over lunch?
Like a...like a... dare she say it...
A date.
"Oooh, woman with more beauty than the eye can see,
What an honor it is that you come before mee,
I hope, I really hope, that it isn't too late,
What would you saay to a romantic date?"
The man got up on wobbly feet, spun around once like a ballerina and presented his arm to Mei. The only thing missing was a rose in his mouth.
Mei blinked twice at the spectacle and chuckled. Really now, serenading? That was so cheesy.
...
She liked cheesy!
"Sure, sounds fun" she said, locking her arm with his. "So there's this sushi restaurant around the corner. Wanna grab a bite and then catch a flick?"
"Awesome! But I must warn you though, I'm prone to random bouts of poetry when it comes to beautiful women," said the man, with glazed eyes. "I just can't help myself."
"Oh my!" Mei chuckled and playfully slapped him, sending him through the wall and to the street below. A cat meowed in irritation.
"Shit!" Mei cursed and jumped through the hole. "Please don't die! You're my first date in years!"
The twitching body on ground moaned.
"I am the stronkest... I am the Kunai... Owww... What does it mean to be strong..."
~~~ (: Doki Doki :) ~~~
Elsewhere, in fantasy land.
Itachi and his worst enemy approached their school with the boy still hatching evil machinations in his head. He had yet to lay one in reality.
"Why do you persist, brother? Accept your fate. Embrace the onset of old age uncool. Father awaits your company."
Itachi grit his teeth. Never!
"We shall see..."
Itachi gripped his free fist. He wasn't a failure! He'd get through this! Just like always. There's a reason his friends always called him Quick Dick Itachi.
"Uhhhhh..."
It meant detective!
"Uh, yeah sure. Detective, right. Definitely."
Itachi's sharingan spun madly. He found the lack of faith, disturbing.
"You know what? I'll just let you screw yourself."
Quick Dick Itachi frowned. What was that supposed to mean? He shook his head, his brother had no idea what he was talking about. Because if he were being honest, he'd never been serious about anything up to this point. And now, all he had to do was furrow that brow, smirk enigmatically, and bam! There burst the dam of potential within him.
"Whatcha looking at, punk? Wanna fight?" said a guy with his head twisted to the side and looking down on Itachi. With his hair dyed blonde, a snake tattooed on both his arms and holding a baseball bat, the guy cut an imposing figure. Behind him were more guys like him beating up a group of boys who wore the same garb as the Uchiha.
Neurons fired up in the Dick's brain, mental calculations were made, 4-d chess was played against unseen opponents, and the perp who dared call him a punk was profiled. Itachi's eyes narrowed. This was a textbook case of a delinquent.
He felt the girl pinching his shirt and trying to pull him aside. "Come on, we should leave," she whispered. She winced when one of the thugs kicked his victims in the head.
Itachi observed Sayori with interest. That's quite the worried look she had there. He shifted his gaze between the fight going on and the girl. Oh, she didn't like conflict eh? A smile sprung forth on his face.
Wasting no time, the Detective snapped his head at the delinquent and made a come hither gesture with his middle finger. And to extract the maximum violence from the violence fruit, he said-
"Come at me, bro!"
Enraged, the desperados unleashed their fury upon him.
Five minutes later
Deraged, the desperados leashed their fury from him. Quelled quickly by a gentle yet firm hand, and losing quite a bit of teeth, they saw the utility of a peaceful way of life and began their journey with a healthy bout of unconsciousness.
Itachi observed his work with satisfaction. The girl spoke from behind him, her voice trembling.
"Wh-what did you just d-do? How could you..."
Itachi lit up in glee. Yes. Yes. That was the right reaction. The world made sense again. And now, to turn around and relish the fear on her pretty head. But first, an evil speech was in order.
Clearing his throat and schooling his features, he said, "are you surprised, my dear lady? Does the scene before you bewilder you in any manner? If it does, I implore you to soak it all in. For what you see is but a glimpse of the monster that slumbers within me. It is my self."
Closing his eyes, placing his hands in his pockets and turning around slowly for maximum effect, he continued. "What you see, is my true self. What you behold, is Uchiha Itachi."
Itachi opened his eyes, ready to feast upon the hapless maiden's terror.
"Oh my god! That was so cool!"
Blindsided by the wave of giddiness in his meal, Itachi suffered food poisoning and coughed blood. Holding himself against the wall beside him, he turned disbelieving eyes upon his prey. "What?" He mumbled.
"They were all, 'Arr! We gonna get you, kid!' And then you go pow-pow! Whoo-pow! They all ganged up on you but you like, slipped in-between them like a breakdancer! Was that a moonwalk there at the end? And that cool monologue! I never knew you had it in you, Dipshit!"
Itachi could feel his confidence melting away by the second. He buried his head in his arm and moaned.
"Brother, isn't this how mom met dad?"
The elder Uchiha considered that, and he moaned even louder. The sound of his brother's demented laughter rang in his ears.
"Oh, and is Itachi like your stage name? 'cause you could totally become a pro-boxer!" said Sayori with a huge grin, while wiping off the blood on his face with a handkerchief.
Grabbing her hand, he said in a feeble tone, "that's not what you're supposed to say." He gazed into her eyes intently and scowled when he only found puzzlement.
"This won't do," he said, taking off from the school with her in tow. "This won't do at all."
"W-Where are we going? We're gonna miss school," said Sayori, stumbling and trying to keep up with his brisk pace.
"You're not going anywhere," Itachi hissed. "You're not going anywhere until you say what I want you to say."
"What do you want me to say? I really don't want to miss classes," she said with puffed cheeks.
"It doesn't mean anything if I tell you! It has to come from your heart!" Said the frayed Uchiha.
"Fine, but you're gonna help with catching up. That's your responsibility, mister," she said, poking his shoulder.
And on their way they were to wherever Itachi intended to take them, even though he knew jack about directions.
"Heh, without context this sounds like a romance. Hmm, hey idiot! Go buy some popcorn!"
"Who're you calling an idiot, you bastard!"
Back at the Hidden Mist.
"...mushrooms? You gave him mushrooms?"
Said a befuddled Mei, staring at Kunai as he ate a sushi. He nodded, licking his fingers.
"Yup! Found some colorful ones while I was in the forest and I thought, 'hey, I'm hungry anyway. Might as well have some delicious mushrooms.'" Picking up a glass of water, he continued, "And then, there I was shivering in the cold streets of the village and out pops good ol' Yagura from the tower above, inviting me in and sharing some hot cocoa."
"What? Are you two friends?" said Mei with a disarming smile, while idly grabbing a blade from her pouch.
"Nah," said Kunai, after finishing his drink with a satisfied sigh.
Mei relaxed her grip slightly. "Oh, that's a pity." She chuckled. "Poor guy's so deadly serious that he's quite the loner."
Kunai waved her off with a grin. "Don't worry, he said we were family. I never knew I had a brother!"
Mei's smile cracked, along with the blade in her hand because of her sudden death grip. "Hahaha, did I hear you right? You're his... family?"
"Yeah, I know right? Imagine me being a relative of a cool guy like him. That's like, so rad!" Kunai beamed at her.
The new Mizukage started forming handseals under the table. "You don't say..."
"And that's when I cooked him the mushrooms! Greedy bastard stole the entire pot. I mean come on. Didn't nobody teach him that sharing is caring? I'm lucky I was able to snag a spoon 'cause boy was my world rocked by the taste." Kunai stared at the ceiling with a dazed smile, "man, if everyone could taste the bliss I did then there'd be no damn thing such as wars. Everyone'd be so chill." Kunai sighed.
Something about his description gave Mei pause. She stopped just before unleashing a water dragon on him. "Do you have more of those mushrooms?"
"Hm? Oh yeah. Just gotta search my pockets... Tu-tu-tu... Man, I love this cloak. So many pockets... Aha! Here, I got a few." He handed over the violently colorful mushrooms to Mei's hand.
Mei glanced at them and gave Kunai a flat look, "really?"
"What?" The guy blinked.
"These aren't just mushrooms. These are shrooms. "
"...I don't get it."
Mei ignored him, shifting the shrooms between her fingers. "And here I thought he was under a powerful genjutsu."
"Uh, what? That word, even that shark guy said it." Kunai scratched his head.
Mei sighed and threw the shrooms behind her, where they fell into the kitchen, guaranteeing a high time for some lucky future customer. "I can't believe you drugged him. Just what kind of ninja are you?" She said, looking at him with interest. What kind of devilish trickery did he enact to make the Mist's strongest ninja voluntarily slurp up laced food?
"Um, why are you smiling like that?" said Kunai, his hand rubbing his neck.
Mei's shark grin pinned the guy in place. "Oh, don't mind me. I just think I grabbed quite the prize for myself."
A man who could best the Mist's jinchuuriki seemingly without any injuries, while scores of other ninjas died or fled? She'd be an idiot to let a guy like that slip away.
And she wasn't saying that as the Mizukage.
Mei got up and offered him her hand. "So, onto our next stop?"
Kunai bashfully took her arm and they headed off.
Though on the outside she had a serene smile, the Mizukage was cackling on the inside. If she played her cards right, she'd get a kage level shinobi for her village, and as a bonus he'd be her boyfriend! She let a snicker escape her. Guess who's being crowned the village's power couple this year!
Though she might have to inquire whether he really was Yagura's family.
Kunai just scratched his cheek. He was very very confused.
Elsewhere.
"Madara! Stop! That's a cliff!"
"Ah, Kisame. Can't you see the colors. How they shift and sway, mix and play. Ahhh. What a beautiful world. Wait for me Rin, I'm coming."
"What the hell are you saying, you idiot? Just step back from the ledge!"
~~~(: Doki Doki :) ~~~
Itachi put down his half finished apple juice on the restaurant table, watching intently as the girl gobbled up all the food he'd ordered.
The Uchiha patiently waited for the moment when she'd burst into tears. His lips turned up. Oh, he could just imagine it.
The girl picked up the curry rice. Itachi's eyes sharpened and he sat up straight.
She plopped a spoon into her mouth. Her brows shot up.
Itachi's grin stretched to maniacal proportions. He'd stuffed enough pepper into that curry to knock out a tailed beast.
"Oooh!" She jumped in her chair and fanned her mouth. "I never told you I liked chili. How'd you know?" With a giggle she swiped the drink on the table and drank a generous gulp of it.
Itachi smacked his forehead against the table. He'd underestimated her.
"I-Itachi, this is your glass r-right?" she said with a nervous chuckle.
The Uchiha glanced up.
"S-Sorry, I just drank from it without thinking. Ahahaha," she rubbed the back of her head with pink dusting her cheeks.
Itachi smacked his head against the table yet again. A formidable opponent indeed.
"Wow. Your brother's such a loser."
"You can say that again."
Itachi groaned. Oh, the humiliation.
In the Misty Movie Theater
The movie opened with a fleet of carts zooming across the screen, with thugs riding horses and aiming at the carts with crossbows. While within the shade of the hill, the shadows moved.
"Huh, a yakuza film. I can dig that," said Kunai, plopping himself down in the theater.
"Not just any yakuza," said Mei shaking her finger. "Ninja yakuza."
"...awesome."
~~~(: Doki Doki :)~~~
A hand slapped down a bunch of bills on the counter of the ticket booth. "Tickets to the most terrifying picture you have playing right now," said Itachi.
The counter-boy scrunched his mouth. "Most terrifying?"
The Uchiha nodded.
"Well, we got a whole selection of them," said the counter-boy pointing to the display screen behind him.
"Name them."
"Eh, let's see. We got zombies, monsters, cannibals, aliens, supernatural occurrences, madman's laboratory of special creatures," the counter boy made a disgusted face, "the usual 'I'm in love with a vampire' crap," the guy shivered and shook his head, "nasty stuff, man... oh, and we even got nature biographies of slugs and worms, if you're into that kind of stuff."
"That's... quite the variety," said Itachi with his thumb on his mouth.
"Yeah, valentine's day is coming up. Go figure."
"Scaring people increases sales?"
The counter-boy shrugged. "Heck if I know."
Inspecting all the movies titles on the screen, the Uchiha said, "tell me, cashier. Do you have a movie with all those elements."
The counter-boy glanced around discretely and then huddled closer to Itachi, "you didn't hear this from me... But we got reels of a film that's still being inspected by the censor board. Heard one of the inspectors fainted during the opening credits. That director is one crazy dude, man. Can't help you with watching it though, you know?" He snickered.
Itachi slammed some more bills on the counter. "Oh, I know indeed. Now then, seats for two if you will."
Sliding the cash below his counter, the counter-boy motioned for Itachi to follow him with a grin. "Right this way, sir."
The Uchiha turned to the food stalls and raised his voice, "I got the tickets to the kid's movie."
Sayori poked her head from the front of the line. "Just a second! Getting the soda!"
The counter-boy shook his head at the Uchiha, "you sir, are evil."
Itachi smirked. "I do my best."
During the opening credits.
Itachi stared dispassionately at the rolling picture. This was what caused people to faint? A group of people in a basement?
Seated beside him, Sayori shoved popcorn into her mouth.
Itachi sighed. This was going to be a long movie. An elite ninja such as him would never be frightened by the plebeian fantasies of mere civilians.
A monstrous slug suddenly burst out of the ground.
"Ah! By the Sage, what is that?!"
A man burst into insects.
"Gaah!"
Flesh eating bats descended upon the explorers.
"Waah!" The elite ninja shot back into his seat.
Sayori laughed at the funny stuff happening on the screen. She didn't even notice the Uchiha latching onto her arm for dear life.
After the movie.
A couple walked out the theater. The girl had a big smile on her face.
"Wow, that was great! Thanks for bringing me here," said Sayori.
The boy was holding himself and trembling. "I-I-I'm going to k-kill that cashier," he said through clattering teeth.
Back in the Mist
A man and a woman were walking away from the cinema hall when an giant explosion occurred in the center of the village.
"Ah, hell. What was that?" said Kunai, wincing and digging into his ear.
Mei narrowed her brows. "The containment chamber. Looks like Yagura's awake. Come on, follow me!"
Chakra manifested around her limbs and she dashed her way towards the village square.
"What?! Shouldn't we be running away from that? Hey, wait up!" Kunai scrambled after her.
A tower of charkra burst up into the sky. Blinded by the intense light, Kunai skidded to halt and shut his eyes, wincing. And when he removed his hand, he saw a monstrous turtle with a crab like shell, screeching in rage.
"H-Holy shit," the boy stepped back. His face was a mask of terror as his heart raced. "T-That's insane. I'm bailing!"
And yet, as he tried to place another foot backward, he found his leg cemented to the ground. He grit his teeth as faces flashed across his mind.
Mei. Yagura. Kisame... Heck, even Kisame's dog-sword. He might've just met them. Not even know them pretty well. And had no clue if they even liked him. But, by god he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel a connection there.
Mei was probably headed straight for that monster. Kunai gripped his fists. She was in over her head if she thought she could face it. Just look at the size of that thing! He knew she was the village leader but come on!
He scowled. No way in hell he was gonna let any of his friends face a calamity like that alone.
He'd... he'd go.
He took one step forward.
A poem came to his mind.
Another step forward.
"In one's arms we're born,
In one's arms we're mourn."
He started walking briskly, slapping his cheeks and shaking his head.
"Fulfill I will, even if torn,
This oath in me, I've solemnly sworn."
His legs blurred as he ran.
"Man! Monika was right! My poetry does suck!"
The turtle started flinging buildings.
"Oh shit. Wait for me guys, I'mma coming! Oh sweet deities above, please watch my back."
~~~(: Doki Doki :)~~~
"So, want to go to the amusement park?" said the bow headed girl, offering a cone of ice-cream to the boy crouching before pigeons and throwing them bread-crumbs.
The boy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Why was she so impossible? Did she trust any stranger that she came across just like this?
Itachi voiced his question.
The girl shifted in place and looked down, "you're not a stranger." She twisted the hems of her shirt.
"Really?" said Itachi. He got up and ironed his pants, "as far as I can tell this is the first day I met you."
Sayori peeked up. "I-I know I acted like I knew you, at the start. But now, it seems like I really know you." She smiled. "You're a really funny guy, Itachi. Well that and I just wanted to have some fun."
An arrow pierced Itachi's army base of a heart. He placed a hand on it and found it pacing faster than normal. Odd.
"Hmph. I doubt you really know me as you say it," he said walking away. His ears picked up her footsteps following him. "Why that insulting name you bestowed me?"
"Huh? What?"
The Uchiha grumbled and dragged the infernal name out of his teeth. "Dipshit. Why call me that?"
"What? Dipshit's not your name?" Itachi could just picture her blinking like an owl from the tone of her voice.
Well, that only left one person then. He stared up at the sky. "Quite amusing, Sasuke. I'd already warned you once. And now I'm going to have to clean your potty mouth with soap."
"You wish, jerkface."
Itachi shook his head. Even in his illusions, Sasuke was a disappointment. Jerkface? That was the best a child of the Uchiha could do?
The clan killer turned around and scrutinized the girl. A product of his Tsukuyomi. Meaning, a product of his worst nightmares. And what did that mean?
"Take the cone already, it's melting in my hands," she said, shoving it in his face.
Taking the offered frozen food, Itachi wondered. What would his worst nightmare of a woman be? His eyes narrowed as the answer came to him.
She'd be someone he'd never be able to scare off. Someone who'd always believe in him, no matter what kinds of atrocities he'd commit. And worst of all, she'd be someone who'd smile just by looking at him.
Itachi felt the ice-cream melt down his wrist. Slipping away. Drop by drop. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
His illusion wouldn't last forever. He chuckled, with a helpless tinge to it. If he couldn't get rid of someone who didn't want to be rid of him, he might as well suffer some fun while he could.
He bit into the cone.
Sayori's eyes widened. "No! You dummy, you don't just bite into ice-cream!"
Itachi's eyes became saucers and he clutched his head. "Oh Sage, deliver me from this brain freeze!" His eyes spasmed. That food was melting! How the hell was it still that cold!
"Here, I got some tea," she pushed a warm can of green tea into his hands.
The Detective raised the can and crushed it overhead, showering in the tea.
Sayori's mouth fell open.
"Ah, other than my burning skin, much better," said the defective, flinging the empty can into a trashcan. "Thank you." He offered the girl a magnanimous smile.
"I... don't know what to say," the girl tilted her head.
The two of them started at each other for a few seconds, before they slowly started chuckling.
"So, still want to go to the amusement park?" said Sayori, after a healthy bout of laughter.
"I don't think I can say no," said the ninja with a flat face.
The two of them heard a whistle and a man wearing a uniform and riding a cycle approached them with a scowl. "Hey, what are you kids doing here? You're supposed to be in school now."
Itachi eyed the man as one would a chauffeur. "And there's the transportation."
"What the- hey! Hey! Heeeey! You damn kids get back here!" The deseated officer ran after them.
"Sorry!" said an embarrassed Sayori sitting behind Itachi and holding onto him as he rode the cycle as fast as a bike.
Itachi yelled.
"Fuck the police!"
Especially his dad, for making a wimp out of him.
Now in Hidden Mist, monster version
"Graaaaa!" roared the three-tailed turtle to night sky. A flight of water dragons slammed into the beast's hide. It twisted its neck and spotted the mist ninjas that'd attacked it from the rooftops.
"You dare defy me!" Black and white orbs began gathering and condensing before its mouth. "Know your place, insects!"
The ninjas eyes' widened and they redoubled their efforts to stall the beast. They had to buy their seal master time to finish her seal.
Water dragons, mud tigers, projectile boulders, water tornadoes, none of them had any effect on the beast. It's hide bounced back their attacks as if they were made of jello.
Right then, a panting Kunai appeared on the scene, jogging in from a demolished street. "Hey guys, I made it," he said, gasping for air and leaning against a section of a broken wall.
"Now, where are you guys?" He scanned the area, squinting his eyes. His vision became much sharper, more vivid, it was like the world slowed down. He'd found out that he could do that while running away from Kisame's sword. He was so pissed off that no-one had ever told him that squinting improved eyesight.
Moving along the street and sweeping his gaze from corner to corner, he picked out all the destruction in all its gory detail. Puddles of blood mixed in with those of water, bodies buried under rubble, fires burning down buildings. He bit his lip, ignoring the spike of nausea that'd pierced his stomach.
Cupping his hands before his mouth, Kunai yelled. "Mei! Kisame! Yagura! Where are you guys!" He had to find them fast. He wasn't sure if hiding in plain sight would work for long.
"Ah, there you are Mei-san. I was wondering if you were still alive."
Kunai froze. He whipped his head up and saw the monster turtle glaring at a figure covered in mist of steam. Squinting his eyes, he could make out Mei crouching and panting hard. One of her arms hung limp as she shouted something back at the beast.
Eyeing Mei, the turtle, and the ball of energy before the turtle, Kunai realized what was probably going to happen. "Oh, hell no!" He dashed towards her as fast as he could. In his desperation, he unknowingly focused a massive amount of chakra in his feet, giving him a huge boost in speed as well as leaving small craters wherever his feet landed.
"My compliments on an almost successful coup."
Kunai jumped to the rooftops. Almost there! And why the hell wasn't she running?! Taking a closer look, he saw her putting her weight on only one leg. He cursed.
"Anyway, it's been a wild night and I gotta turn in for bed. Good boys don't miss their bed time you know? Ta-ta~"
The ball compressed into a single point and burst out as a beam of pure energy.
"Noo!"
The blast headed straight for the Mizukage.
Kunai reached out his hand towards her. Even with how close she was and how fast he was running, the beam was still faster. He saw her glance at him and give him a flicker of a smile before she stared back at the missile of chakra.
It was only a few blocks away.
He flooded his legs with even more chakra, putting his muscles under immense stress. Tearing a few of them with every step.
The missile vaporized the surroundings as it approached ground level.
Kunai grit his teeth. Faster. Faster! He had to run faster! Oh gods, help him run faster! He wouldn't let any of his friends die! Not after last time! He screamed to the heavens. "Great Susanoo, give me strength!"
Sharp pain flared all over him. "Grah!" yelled Kunai. And a skeletal leg shot from his feet to the ground, and rocketed him towards Mei when it pushed off of it.
"Yaaah!" The wind stung his burning eyes like needles. Kunai saw through his blurry vision. The Mizukage was right before him! He could save her! The sound of the chakra blast was too close for comfort though.
...he made a decision.
He pulled his hand back flung it at the Mizukage. A hand made of bone sprouted from thin air and batted the kunoichi away. "What are you do-" he heard her yell before he cut her off.
Kunai smiled. He did it. He saved her. He saved one of his friends!
The bijuu dama hit him.
Everything exploded.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Holy shit! Where did the creepy skeleton come from! And why was it hanging on him! "Waaah!"
"What the hell? Itachi-kun?" said the turtle, craning it's neck closer to the ground to observe the crater the blast had made.
"Getitoff! Getitoff! Getitoff! For god's sake, getitoff!"
"I didn't know you'd perfected the Susanoo. Impressive as always, clansman." The turtle's red eye shone in the dark. "Now, you may proceed to beg for my forgiveness."
"Holy Amaterasu, save me from this skeletal stalker!"
The turtle spontaneously caught on black fire.
"Gaaaaaaaaaah!" It thrashed on the ground, howling in pain. "Itachiiiii!"
The ninjas strewn all about the mist village were perplexed. On one side of the village a giant armored skeleton was holding its cheeks and running in circles while screaming like a schoolgirl. And on the other side of the village a towering turtle was spinning on its flaming shell and screaming like a maniac.
"This is the weirdest day of my life," said one of the ninjas. The ones around him grunted and nodded in agreement.
"But way cooler than Zabuza's attempt though," said another.
A more pronounced bout of grunting and nodding followed.
The turtle then flickered, phasing out of the black flames. It grabbed ahold of the skeleton with its hand, lifting it off the ground. It narrowed its eye menacingly at it.
It gripped the skeleton with both hands and began squeezing with all its strength. The frame of the skeletal warrior creaked under the pressure and the bones began snapping one by one.
"Any last words?"
"Um, help me lord Tenjin?" said the skelephobic Kunai.
"...you got an exam coming up?"
"Damn it, you're right... Hey wait, it's a full moon today!"
The turtle's eye widened.
"Oh no... Oh no you don't-"
"God of the moon! I put myself in your care!"
"Don't you fuckin' dare!"
"Tsukuyomi!"
~~~(: Doki Doki :)~~~
The sun had set, the moon had risen, and standing before a burned down building were two people.
"Are you sure you don't want to come over? You can use the guest room," said the girl, looking at her friend's home.
Parking the officer's cycle in a nearby bush, Itachi shook his head. "It's fine. And besides, I've got other plans." He turned around and faced her, "so, goodnight."
The girl's eyes darted around before they settled on him. She smiled,"thanks for today! I had a lot of fun."
Itachi grunted.
She leaned forward and grinned. "Wanna do this again sometime."
Itachi shrugged. "I wouldn't be averse to the idea."
Her face suddenly became terrified and she pointed to something behind the ninja. "Itachi! Lookout!"
His body snapped into action and whipped around with his sharingan already spinning. He was ready for action. It was about time he faced a challeng-
Chuu~
...
Itachi's head creaked mechanically to his side. He saw Sayori giving him a toothy grin while blushing.
"See ya tomorrow, Itachi!" she said with a wink and skipped off to her home.
Itachi stared after her and blinked twice. His trembling hand trembled its way up to his cheek and touched it. Instantly, his whole body went rigid.
His cheek... it was wet...
The sharingan rolled up and the Uchiha fell back, fainting dead in the street.
A weary sigh could be heard from the sky.
"Brother, you are such an embarrassment."
Somewhere that is nowhere
"Owww... The pain... The agony..."
"The greatest Uchiha my ass. Yeah, stare right at his bloody sharingan why don't you, smart-guy."
"Shaddup, Kisame! I was still recovering!"
"How'd you get drugged again?"
"That bloody jinchuuriki ate those shrooms... Didn't know I'd get infected too..."
"And who made him eat those shrooms?"
"...ah was curious."
"If I wasn't carrying you right now, I'd be clapping at your genius."
"Just shaddup okay! ...sniff ...nobody understands me."
In the Mist hospital
The sunlight passed through the hospital windows and fell on a sleeping man's eyes. He groaned, slowly blinking his eyes open. He saw a beautiful woman sitting beside him, whose face lit up when his eyes focused on her.
"Aa... Am I dead?" he mumbled. "Man, thank goodness I'm in heaven. Always wanted to see angels," he chuckled and then winced.
"Easy there, hotshot," she said and gave him the glass of water lying on the table. "And just so you know, the three tailed beast surrendered after you worked your magic on it."
"T-Thanks," he sipped the water slowly. "I beat a beast?" he said after a few sips. "I-Isn't that illegal? Am I in trouble now?"
The woman chuckled. "Trouble? Why would I let my boyfriend get into any trouble in my village? You're good, Kunai."
"Oh, man. Got worried for a second there." Kunai took another sip. His eyes slowly got big and he blinked. "Hey... Did you just say boyfriend?"
He slapped his cheeks to clear his head and looked at her closer. "Mei!" His face brightened, and then dimmed in concern. "you okay, right? I didn't push you too hard did I? And... wait I'm your what now?!"
The kunoichi traced her finger down his cheek and spoke with half-lidded eyes, "well, you don't just save my life, rescue my village, hospitalize yourself for my sake, and expect to get away with it do you?"
Kunai gulped when she leaned in closer. Blood rushed straight to his head when she hugged him.
"There are consequences, you see," she whispered in his ear. "And I'm holding you accountable."
"B-B-But, w-w-we j-j-j-"
She placed a kiss on his cheek and sat back with a grin, "I'll have the best doctors look after you, so just rest okay? And that lung infection you have? Don't worry, I got a specialist who knows her stuff."
"..."
Kunai had frozen during the kiss.
She stood up and frowned at him. "And final thing, don't do anything that dangerous again. That was really stupid." She glared. "And if you get hurt, it'll hurt the Mizukage, and so, the village."
"W-why hurt t-the Mizukage?" Kunai'd managed to reboot a little.
"...you really want to know?"
"S-Sure."
She looked into his eyes with a pout. "Well, that's because I think I've fallen in love with you."
"..."
"See ya later, hotshot." She winked and blew him a kiss and walked out of the room.
Kunai saw the kiss floating towards him in his mind's eye.
Mei's voice played in his head.
'There are consequences, you see'
He gulped.
'It'll hurt the Mizukage.'
The flying kiss made a loop-the-loop in the air and planted itself firmly on his cheek.
'I've fallen in love with you.'
"Ahahaha, yaaay." The poor guy's overtaxed brain shut down and he fell back on the hospital bed with a confused grin.
But his mind didn't return to the recesses of the brain.
It returned to where it belonged.
And what belonged, returned.
A few days later.
Naruto woke up on his bed when his tablet emitted a loud ping. Yawning, he swiped through the screens and saw that it was his game that'd sent the notification.
He frowned, it'd never done that before. Let's see what it said. He swiped down the notification bar.
'DDLC: Kunai wants to talk.'
His frown deepened. What could he want? He opened the game and was greeted not by the opening title but by a classroom with only the game's protagonist in it.
"Naruto," the text said in the speech bubble. The boy looked at him with serious eyes. "Please, get us out of here."
The game shut off and rebooted. The usual opening sequence played, as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.
Naruto pursed his lips. That'd never happened before. Them interacting directly with him. His dad had told him that the modicum of sentience they'd gained was because of the infusion of chakra.
But this...
Naruto gripped his fist tight and spoke into the microphone of the tablet.
"Hey guys, you'll be out of there in no time! Believe it!"
Naruto gave them a determined smile.
Because believe he did.
