Chapter 12. Gangs of Vale, and many more puns
Disclaimer:- I don't own RWBY
Important Author's note: Hey y'all! Here are a bunch of puns I'd been posting on reddit in r/stuffyangsays, a subreddit for all the pun lovers of RWBY. Now, before anyone says I'm stealing my own jokes I'll just list out the usernames I'd posted these jokes as.
checker_sword (deleted)
wandering_reindeer (deleted)
goost4 (deleted)
buzzbee95 (deleted)
Puzzleheaded_buy (deleted)
Jazzlike_drama (deleted)
bookpow (deleted)
These puns will seem familiar to those of you who frequent the sub.
But anyway, puns ahoy!
Zwei took over all the local dog packs and became the top mafioso. All the other dogs now call him-
The Dogfather.
Roman ain't got shit on the four legged hauler.
XxX
Yang became a gangster and took Vale by storm. She calls her mafia family,
The Yang-kuza
Raven was so proud that she raved to her tribe about her dear daughter for weeks. She always knew she'd follow in her footsteps.
XxX
Outraged at his daughter's lawless ways, Tai roped Qrow in and formed a gang of his own to teach his wayward child a lesson.
Hello Vale, meet the Taiads.
Raven checked the calendar to see if it was her birthday. She wondered if this was Tai proposing to her again.
XxX
Qrow broke off from Tai's gang soon enough. It didn't suit his style. Heading his own splinter cell, Qrow now leads,
The Crowbars
Raven sent her brother a truck's worth of booze as a gift for finally coming to his senses and not taking orders from Ozpin.
XxX
Feeling left out, Ruby set out on her own journey into the underworld. Her sincere wish to do good in the world melted the hearts of many hard boiled criminals and they vowed to each other to never let anyone harm the little girl. They formed a gang for the bright eyed huntress.
Standing atop a table in the gang's hideout, Ruby declared.
"Cookies of Vale! Beware The Ru-beasts!"
The gangsters chuckled at the cute name and clapped, indulging the little huntress.
Raven started looking into how one could adopt a child. Summer's kid had potential. Raven smiled to herself, her family was the best!
XxX
One day, Pyrrha just couldn't handle her face staring back at her from all the Pumpkin Pete's boxes in the mess. She yelled in rage and started slashing them all brutally. Team JNPR averted their eyes, distraught and helpless. Their friend,
She became a cereal killer.
XxX
How does the White Fang leader say, "I'll be there soon"?
Sienna minute.
There was such potential in her character too...
Feels wasted on giving Adam an ego trip.
A damn ego trip.
XxX
What do you call a Yang who becomes a pun toting pirate?
A Punderer.
Qrow's the parrot of course.
XxX
The snazziest and nattiest musician hailing from the halls of Atlas Academy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for Flynt-isn't he-Cooooal!
A one man army, he's gonna groove and make your booty move.
His pizzazz or even his soul soothing jazz, can you trumpet?
XxX
Pyrrha tried to get into politics but she couldn't stand it.
It was too polarized for her.
XxX
Summer does some cool complex acrobatics and impresses Tai. Qrow shows up and does it better, impressing Tai twofold. Summer glares at Qrow and stomps off, cursing under her breath.
Qrow watches her leave and looks at Tai with a grin.
"Did you catch that Summer-Salt?"
Tai frowns.
"Summer sal... somersault..."
Tai buries his head in his hands and groans accordingly.
XxX
I think Pyrrha needs to get into business and start investing.
She'd make a great magnate.
And she can make her boyfriend her chief Architect.
But I hope she doesn't make any shady deals with Taurus the Bullionaire.
And they better watch out for the WuKong clan.
However, unknown to anyone, the Ozure Knights had their own plans. Plans which begin with kidnapping Nikos and forcing the Arc to live his destiny.
Ozpin moves his pawns and waits for the Queen. The Arcade will soon be at hand.
And then one day, Jaune received an offer he couldn't refuse from the Coco Co. The guy was horribly addled.
XxX
What is Qrow's bird form to him?
It's his Ave-atar.
XxX
Nora + Ren = Flower power. Sun + Ren =
Sunflower?
XxX
A Schnee who doesn't rebel?
Is just a Schnee-p.
XxX
Being a free spirit himself, Qrow never tried to discipline the kids nor tell them what not to do. But sometimes when they test his patience, he says
Be-ave, you little brats.
XxX
Who's the man in red who gifts the good kids bags of coffee beans once every December?
Santa Cl-Ozz.
The naughty ones are given tea leaves.
XxX
Weiss tried to not let her upbringing influence her daily life but she just couldn't help herself.
Watching the interactions of her team, her friends, her teachers and even the foreign students everyday was too much for her. She had to get it out of her system before she went crazy. The Schnee blood ran too deep.
So she became a closet Schnee-pper. Making diabolical plans to pair off her friends with their most suitable suitor.
XxX
SDC Delivery services is the best courier delivery company in all of Remnant. They are lauded for their expert customer care and-
Their impeccable Schnee-pping times.
XxX
What did Jaune say when Yang kept beating him in fighting games?
"This ain't my jaune-re! Let's try FPS, then let's see who's the loser!"
XxX
What's the magical thing that binds Yang, Raven, Ruby, Qrow and Summer?
A family Tai.
Taiyang Xiao Long, the binding glue of many a family.
XxX
If Winter's a pro, Weiss is a-
NoWeiss
XxX
What if Weiss wasn't Jacques' child?
In the hospital, after her birth. Jacques and a nurse are looking at a young baby with a tuft of white hair.
"She's a healthy young thing, Mr. Schnee. Have you decided on a name?"
Jacque takes the baby into his arms and watches her grab his thumb with an smile.
"Weiss, she shall be called Weiss Schnee."
The nurse giggles. "A beautiful name for a beautiful baby. Oh my, I bet she'll be as radiant as her mother."
Jacques shakes his head. "Yes, I believe she will."
Jacques grins cruelly at the innocent baby trying to reach out for his mustache.
"After all, Weiss Schnee shares in her mother's vice."
XxX
What was Adam's nickname when he joined the White Fang as a kid?
Greenhorn.
"Hey, greenhorn!"
"...what?"
"Open this can of tuna would you?"
"...sure, kitty-kat."
"What did you say, rookie! On the ground! Gimme five! Now!"
"I hate my life."
And that is why Adam hated humanity. For forcing him to join the band of bullies called the White Fang. He's really misunderstood. Blake's bullying eventually got to him.
And he was never the same again.
"You changed, Adam! You were supposed to be different! You're better than this!"
"Oh yeah, Blake! Well, I learned from the best!"
XxX
A mission to get Ozpin to stop drinking coffee is-
Mission Imp-Oz-ible.
Team RWBY never stood a chance.
"Come on, Headmaster. You can do it!" Yang cheered.
"Of course Ms. Xiao Long, I will if you get Professor Goodwitch to stop drinking tea." Ozpin calmly sipped his coffee.
Yang scratched her head and looked at her leader, "Ruby, we feeling suicidal today?"
Ruby gave her a look. "No, Yang that was last week. When we decided to take a mecha through the city."
"Right, well. Too bad gang, guess we failed this mission."
Blake whispered, "Yang..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna try anyway. The fate of faunuskind depends on it!" Blake shivered with righteousness.
"What? No. Hey, stop! Blake! You're gonna get us detention!" Yang gave chase to the cat.
"Justice~"
"Blake!"
Yang and Blake had an entire year of detention.
"... thanks, Blake. Now we both are stuck here."
"I did what had to be done, Yang. Hey at least Ruby and Weiss didn't get caught up in our struggle right? They can work from the shadows now," said the ever optimistic when caught because of her fault catgirl.
"...you're having fun aren't you? You like role playing or something?"
"What? Noo."
"Anyway, I've got all these new puns and I needed a second opinion. And since we're here for a few hours anyway..."
Yang brought out a paper scroll out of nowhere and unfurled it. It was a thick as a Zwei.
Blake paled.
"...oh god."
"Just-hiss, eh kitty?"
"Noooo."
XxX
What does Qrow tell Ozpin when he's depressed that there's no more coffee in the school?
"Hey come on, cheer up, Oz. Be pozitive."
XxX
So, Glynda Goodwitch. She's someone who has undergone extensive training as a huntress. Has ruthless mental and physical conditioning. Has some of the best powers even without being a maiden. And is a monster-slayer.
Does that mean she's a witcher?
I mean it's even in her name...
Her family must be the most hardcore family in Remnant if they're all witchers.
No wonder she's so strict with the students.
XxX
Ozpin cherished the time he spent teaching the wide eyed farmer called Oscar. His enthusiasm and eagerness to learn, lit in Ozpin a protective streak and level of attachment that he thought he'd long discarded in his many incarnations. If you'd ask Ozpin to describe his pupil in one word, he'd say -
A-ward.
"Ah gee, Ozpin. I didn't know you felt like that."
"What? Of course you're my ward. If I wasn't here you'd have fed a family of ursa by now."
"..."
"Are you alright, Oscar? Is something the matter."
"No... just something in my eye."
"Come now, Oscar. We went through all the trouble of finding these exotic ingredients for our latest brew. Don't let sadness be the reward of my prized pupil."
A smile slowly makes it's way onto Oscar's face.
" Kay. Will do, Ozpun. Will do."
"Oz-what?"
"You heard me old man. What, losing your hearing in your old age?"
"... I'm not that old."
Oscar snickers and says, "you don't say?"
"And technically Oscar, I'm as old as you are"
XxX
The entity currently known as Ozpin was once a great sailor. In his many expeditions he once found a continent untouched by man. Being the first to discover it he promptly named it-
Oz-tralia.
Too bad it didn't stick though. It could've been glorious if it weren't for Salem being a spiteful grimm and popularizing tea in favor of coffee. It was the darkest of ages for years to come. Well, for Ozpin at least.
XxX
What does Qrow call Ozpin's hyper-focused mode? When he moves like a lightning bolt and caves in a goliath's skull with a tap of his staff.
"The Ozone! Pretty neat huh!"
"Qrow..."
"And your special move can be-"
"Wha-"
"Ozone layer! Devastation!"
"You're just as bad as your niece."
"Hey, I ain't the one making all the holes in the atmosphere is all I'm saying."
"... what did you do this time."
Qrow whistles innocently and looks away.
Ozpin looks at his cup, "I need more coffee."
XxX
What's Blake's superhero identity? (I mean... this one's obvious na?)
Catwoman! The sexy cat thief of the night!
And when Bullman catches her reading books in stores for free, she becomes...
Caughtwoman.
"Blake, you gotta pay for those."
"Oh come on! No one's watching!"
XxX
Jacques Schnee fell into a vat of chemicals while fleeing a mob of faunus.
Luckily he survived and managed to break the surface of the liquid and get to solid ground, unfortunately his pale skin became paler and became deathly white.
That day he lost his mind, family and company, and became...
The Jacquer!
His arch-nemesis Bullman, fights him with everything he has to protect all the innocent faunus from his madness. But the Jacquer is his perfect foil.
Physical strength vs. Business Acumen
Tactics vs. Intelligence
Single minded determination vs. Loose moralled execution
Selective Justice vs. Selective Injustice
Melodramatic Edge vs Megalomaniac Pledge
The whole world facepalms at their insanity.
XxX
When Sun sees a pretty lady.
He becomes Swoon Wu Kong.
XxX
What did Ozpin tell Oscar when he first spoke to him?
"You're the ch-OZ-en one, Oscar. Isn't that Ozz-um! Or should I say Oss-um. Eh? Eh? You kids like those puns or wordplay don't you."
"... please get out of my head."
Later that evening.
"You're a wizard Oscar."
"Please get out of my head."
XxX
Why's Fox so cool?
Because he vulpine for whatever he sets his heart on. And gives no Fox about about what anyone says.
XxX
How does Weiss laugh? Does she Giggle? Chuckle? Guffaw?
She Schnee-kers.
XxX
Ruby's epic one liner as she finishes off her mortal enemies.
Rue... be... Rose!
The blood of her enemies rains from her scythe as she spins it overhead and laughs in battle crazed delight.
Sarge looks on proudly, nodding with approval. Now if only he could direct her to Grif...
XxX
What was Ozpin's nickname as the leader of his team during his huntsman training days?
Bozpin.
Or 'The Bozz' for short.
XxX
What does Winter's squad call their brief respite from their leader when she leaves for offshore missions?
Their well deserved Winter break.
XxX
What is the codename given to Winter's protege in the Atlesian army?
The Winter Soldier.
XxX
What are Weiss, Winter and Whitley?
The Schnee Schnee-blings.
They loved that name when they were kids. They groaned every time they heard it as adults.
XxX
What's Jacques' malevolent laugh like after he topples a rival corporation?
He sips his wine, strokes his cat, smirks and goes,
"Schnee-Schnee-Schnee-Schnee-Schnee-Schnee."
His children didn't inherit any semblance from him, but they sure got his Schnee-kering.
Nature vs. nurture and all that.
XxX
Jacques Schnee?
More like Joke Schnee.
XxX
What if Marcus Black was a bit of a kidder, loved jokes and wasn't a total asshole in naming his kid after a poisonous liquid?
Hello world, meet Smirk-ury Black. Kid likes to smirk mysteriously like no other. It's all he can do to live up to his name. I mean, you can't kill your dad over a stupid sense of humor can you.
Well, at least he's got a better name than Hem-herald, the daughter of a tailor.
Poor girl hates her name so much she wears practically nothing.
The opposite of what her mother, had she been alive bless her soul, would've intended a proper lady to do.
They'd named her as a messenger of clothes with proper hems for god's sake!
And the less said about their boss, Cider Fall the better.
Woman knows her beverages though.
The streaker, the smirker and the half full beaker. Salem sure knows how to pick 'em.
XxX
If Whitley started a boy band of rich kids what would he name it?
Whitley's Peers.
The ego on that boy...
Somewhere far away Jacques sheds silent tears for having repressed all his children.
His Jacque-t of shame hangs heavy on his shoulders.
XxX
Hmm, we gotta give Jaune more special powers. I know let's buff him up! Give him some animal hides to wear. Make his skin greenish for character. A club. Some tattoos, aaand... Voila!
Everyone, meet Jaune Orc.
ROAR
"It's clubbering time!"
And also his cute chibi version, Jaune Dorc.
"Rawr, who're you calling cute"
Ain't he precious?
XxX
Hmm, no we need to represent more rich people and how lovable they are. If only we had a lovable and relatable character... I got it.
Jaune Stark, genius, millionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
Without the genius... or much romantic success.
But hey he's got a lot of Mileage, he'll Kerry this show forward to everyone's hearts I tell you.
XxX
What's the secret identity of the great superhero Huntsman?
Jaune Clark, romantic advise column writer and assistant of Lisa Lavender at the Vale News Network.
He gives terrible romantic advise however. One guy asked him how he could pick up his supervisor Lisa and was given the following pick up line to use.
"Hey babe would my love be enough to Lease a Lavender?"
The man promptly lost his job for harassment. Jaune wondered why that didn't work, Pyrrha always loved his pick up lines...
Wait... then what about his readers?
... oh crud.
XxX
Oh no! Blake's run out of porn!
It's a cataclysm! Aah! The meteors!
It's a darn right catastrophe I tells ya.
XxX
Oh no! Someone cut Yang's hair!
Arm-ageddon isn't supposed to be so soon! Damn it Cardin!
XxX
Oh no! The world's run out of beer!
It's the apo-qrow-lypse! Run away! Save yourself!
XxX
Which tournament do Adam and Ozpin compete in?
A go-kart tournament.
One drives an Oscart. The other pulls an Oxcart.
XxX
What if Ozpin was a wizard who liked wordplay? He'd call himself,
The Wizard of Clause.
XxX
What does Qrow call his bling?
Qrowmium
XxX
What if Sun pushed away people he secretly liked?
He'd be Sun-dere
XxX
What would Summer name her daughter if she was a fan of long flowing robes?
Robey Rose
XxX
What did Taiyang name the new island he just bought?
Tai-land
XxX
What kind of a father is Ghira?
He's a Ghir-ate dad.
XxX
What if Ren was the sleeping beauty?
He'd be the sno-Ren beauty.
XxX
Why did Penny beat up her date?
They made Penny-of-mistakes.
XxX
What would Zwei be if he had kids?
He'd be paw-paw Zwei.
XxX
What does Santa Weiss ask the kids at Christmas?
Have you been naughty or Weiss?
XxX
What would Qrow say if kicked between the legs?
"S-shit. Right in the Qrow-tch."
XxX
The entity currently known as Ozpin existed from a long time. At one point it founded an entire civilization based around the joyous brew which later came to be called coffee. This mighty kingdom was known as-
The Oz-tec empire.
"-and that is how I got entire tribes of people to cooperate and come together in the name of something beautiful and much greater than them. Now then, any questions, Oscar?"
"...you aren't going to make me start a whole new kingdom are you?"
"Hm, maybe if we have the time after vanquishing Salem."
"But-"
"No scratch that. We shall depart immediately! I have a whole slew of brews that've gone extinct since then. This travesty cannot be allowed to continue."
"But Ozpi-"
"No buts. Chop chop. Empires don't establish themselves, Oscar."
Oscar Pine, the coffee king, went on to establish the sixth Kingdom of Remnant, The Great Brew-therhood.
Salem went mad with anxiety over where Ozpin had disappeared to and died of shock one day when Tyrian decided to throw her a surprise party.
Cinder cut her losses and joined a travelling circus along with Emerald and Mercury.
Watts and Hazel started a new hunts-man academy for the grimm and made Tyrian the headmaster. They thought it'd be a good joke.
Team RWBY, lived happy and boring lives, doing missions, helping people and raising their own families.
Nora and Ren married after a few years and made Jaune the godfather of any children they'd have. The blond knight went on to become the best warrior in the Mistral coliseum in the honor of his partner.
Taiyang and Qrow eventually quit their jobs at Signal and went on to travel the world along with Zwei. Qrow became a best selling author while Taiyang and Zwei's misadventures became the source of his inspiration.
Glynda, Port, and Oobleck eventually met King Oscar, and after an initial asskicking for leaving them behind, they started teaching at the Java Academy for Hunters in the Brew-therhood kingdom and stepped up its standards within a fortnight.
"We've come a long way haven't we, Oscar."
"The hell, Ozpin! I just wanted to have an adventure, not become a gosh-darned King!"
"I'm so proud of you, Oscar. So proud."
"Arrgh!"
The End.
XxX
In what units does Yang measure the awesomeness of a party?
In Yangstroms.
The Beacon dance measured 256 Yangstroms according to the Yangometer.
And then Jaune showed up in his dress and JNPR took the dance floor.
It was the first time Yang had ever been in a 512 Yangstrom party.
XxX
Which laptop does Coco use?
A-dell.
XxX
Adam found out that he wasn't really a faunus.
Oxistential crisis ensues.
XxX
What did Cardin say when Russel infected his computer with a virus?
"Why Rus? Why?
XxX
The SDC loves making action figures and dolls of ancient legends. They sell like hot cakes. As for the toys of the four maidens they got creative with the country of origin label on the product tag. It read,
Maiden Atlas.
XxX
What does Sun Wu Kong call his stealth mode? You know, when he's sneaking around.
In-Kong-nito.
People underestimate the utility of a banana peel in covert ops.
XxX
What kind of relationship do Headmaster Ozpin and Doctor Oobleck have?
A brew-mance
(I'm kinda imagining stylish coffee brewing, sparkles, debonair pouring and then epic sipping against the backdrop of a peaceful campus with students gawking at them.)
XxX
How does one scare Qrow?
With a scarecrow.
Author's Note: Yaay~
There's a few more naughty(read: dirty) puns, but I've left them for the next chapter.
Until then, have a great day peeps!
Chapter 13. Kinda adult puns
Disclaimer: I don't own RWBY
Author's note: Kinda adult jokes, viewer discretion advised. But I don't think it is 'M' level adult. Would love to be corrected if wrong ^_^.
Anyway, please enjoy~
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Jaune's most perverted dream had a one major flaw.
It had so little time, but many Weiss to do it.
He couldn't explore them all before he woke up.
XxX
General James Ironwood is a man admired by all of Atlas and feared by all of his enemies. The qualities that define him are,
'''His strength, his determination and his Iron-willy.
All submit before his Iron-willy.
Nothing can stop him from forcing his willy upon his enemies. His close friends called it, his Iron Jim.'''
The graphic artist, some Oscar Pine, of this propaganda poster was subsequently fired for his willyful negligence. The good general did achieve his desired affect of injecting awe and fear into the minds of people. Though he bemoaned the fact that their awestruck eyes focused not on him, but on his lower half.
He currently presided over talks with his council of weaponizing his Iron Jim. All the picture and movie ideas presented to him left him hiding his face in embarrassment.
This was not what he had in mind when he pushed for the campaign of exhibiting might of the Atlesian army. And he was sure an old wizard somewhere was laughing at him right now.
XxX
In which school does Tai not mind being on the naughty list?
Summer school.
He loves being disciplined there.
His favorite subject being p.e.
XxX
What does Tai tell his fellow teachers at Signal regarding how the school vacation was? The very vacation during which Raven dumped him and took off.
"It was one hot summer I tell ya," he says with a broad grin, "one hot sexy summer."
The others nod to themselves and think he's talking about the beach. They laugh in good cheer.
Elsewhere, Qrow begs Ozpin for a mission out of the country.
"You gotta let me out of here, Oz!"
"Qrow... are you alright? Shouldn't you be at Signal?"
"Damn it, Oz. I might be next!"
Meanwhile, Raven calls Summer about how Tai's taking it all.
"Oh he's good, great in fact. Not sad at all," Summer says, "he's at work right now."
"That's unexpected," the frown in Raven's voice evident. "He's not moping? His spirits have risen then?"
Summer snickers. "Oh something rose alright. And I don't mean my name."
Raven doesn't say anything, and then groans. "Really... not even a few months... tch," the scowl in her voice all the more evident. "Men," she spat.
XxX
So what would you call all the men of Blake's amorous relationships?
Men in Blake.
They all wear cool shades for some reason.
And Blake's cat straddle is like playing cats cradle. But with a hot cat faunus.
Author's note: Aaand that concludes the naughty(read dirty) puns!
I hope you liked them folks.
If anything, I'd love it if any of them put a smile on your face.
Or, a good ol' groan will do too~ ^_^
Have a great day peeps.
Ciao~
