"I want to understand what love is."
Itsuki sat on the floor of the Mononokean, legs folded beneath him and his kimono sleeves trailing the floor. A youkai had called on him that evening from the Underworld. He offered what few coins he had for advice, begging with such misery and confusion Itsuki felt compelled to take the job.
And then this was the task set before him.
The youkai was named Oshi, a squat, gloomy-looking fellow, with horns and one eye. Itsuki didn't let it show on his face, but he never would have pegged the youkai for the amorous type. But then, what did he know? Even unattractive people deserved happiness and for most people happiness included love. But… I don't know. I guess I thought youkai were different.
With the exception of Shizuku and Jomatsu-dono, the youkai Itsuki knew didn't seem to care much about romance. Youkai weren't as frivolous with their feelings as most humans tended to be.
He wants to understand what love is? Itsuki's mouth tightened around the corners. He shouldn't have taken this job—he wasn't sure if he could deliver on what the youkai was asking of him.
"What about it?" he hedged.
Oshi worried his hands in front of him. "I want to know what it means to fall in love. How does it happen? Why does it happen? Does it go away, or is it permanent?"
Itsuki swallowed. Yep. This was out of his depth. He knew love; he had loved Aoi, but only in the admiring, familial sense. Romantic love was beyond him. He knew of it only in the most abstract terms, and even if he could put his impressions to words, he doubted his explanation would satisfy.
He needed someone of more feeling… Someone better with words.
Itsuki nodded sagely at Oshi. "I understand. Would you hold on one moment?" Oshi nodded and dropped his miserable gaze to the floor. "Mononokean, open a door to Hana Ashi."
Good call (_;). The characters rolled down the scroll in an embarrassed sort of tumble, and Itsuki felt a little better about his own discomfort.
He opened the door cautiously. It was just about dark, so the shop should be closing any moment now, and he didn't want to accidently get roped into a conversation with Ashiya's mother. She was a kind lady, but he was already overwhelmed.
The shop on the other side of the door was empty save for Ashiya himself. He was humming a children's song under his breath while he misted the flowers with a squirt bottle.
"Ashiya," Itsuki called. Ashiya turned with a startled flinch. "I need your help with a job. Come here for a sec." Ashiya didn't move immediately, and a small furrow creased Itsuki's brow as he studied his employee's body language.
Ashiya stared at him like he was trying to decipher a very troubling equation. He hugged the spray bottle to his chest like a ward, his eyes dark and pinched at the corners and his mouth pulled into a taut line.
Itsuki hadn't seen him since their trip to the aquarium last weekend. Ashiya had turned strange and nervous at the end of that day, and Istuki hadn't been able to figure out why. He had eventually decided that the shock of being bitten by the stingray had made him jittery. But that must not have been the reason for his skittishness. It seemed whatever affected him then was affecting him still.
Did I do something…? Itsuki couldn't remember offending Ashiya at any point, though, and Ashiya didn't look angry with him. In fact, he looked frightened, and maybe even a little guilty.
…Did he do something? Something he's scared I'll find out about?
Itsuki shook the train of thought from his head. He'd sort whatever it was out with Ashiya later. The job came first.
"Ashiya, get your butt in here. Our guest is waiting," he hissed. "I need you."
Ashiya jolted to life. "Right. Sorry. I'll just…" He dropped the spray bottle down next to the nearest flower stand and walked toward him.
When he got closer, Itsuki noticed his cheek was smeared on one side with dirt. "What are you a middle-schooler? There's stuff on your face."
Ashiya's hand flew up to his cheek and Itsuki felt relieved at the usual fluster that overtook him. This was the person he knew. He hoped the oddness would be left outside the Mononokean so he wouldn't have to worry anymore.
Oshi turned more dejected when Ashiya stepped into the room. "A human? I would prefer if it was just you and me, Abeno-sama..."
"He's an employee of the Mononokean, and I think he can help you better than I could. He has more expertise in this matter. Or," Itsuki pulled a face, "at least I hope."
"Me? Have more experience than you?" Ashiya looked surprised for a beat, then a proud smile stretched across his face. "Huh. Never thought I'd hear that from your mouth."
Itsuki sniffed and kneeled.
Ashiya lowered himself to the floor across from Oshi. Fuzzy rushed out of the alcove and deposited himself firmly and affectionately in his lap. Ashiya gave the fuzzball pets as he bowed his head to Oshi.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Ashiya Hanae. What's the problem?"
"I'm Oshi…" The youkai glanced at Itsuki and then explained. "I want to know what it means to be in love."
Ashiya blinked in rapid succession. "Ah… I see…"
"I have a friend, Giri," Oshi continued. "We've known each other since we were young. We're very close. Or, at least, we were…" He clicked his claws together. "She told me the other day that she fell in love with me. Ever since then she's been…different. Strange. I don't understand her anymore, I don't understand what I'm supposed to do, and that makes me so…lonely."
Oshi's large eye glassed over and a tennis ball sized tear plopped onto the floor, splashing the hem of Itsuki's kimono.
"I want things to go back to how they were." Oshi's voice wobbled. "Please, Ashiya-sama, won't you tell me what this love is, and when it will go away and she'll be back to normal?"
Itsuki frowned. He may be inexperienced in love, but he had a sense that it wasn't that easy or straightforward. Oshi's friend may never stop being in love with him. And if Oshi continued to treat her with fear like this she would get her heart broken, if she hadn't already… This love business is more trouble than it's worth. He was glad he brought Ashiya in. He would know what to say. He always did.
But when Itsuki looked to him his heart jumped at the terror he saw in his friend's face. Fuzzy looked up at Ashiya, his eyes narrowing in concern. He pawed at his sleeve, to no avail.
"Ashiya?" Itsuki said as discreetly as he could. Ashiya swallowed, his face ashen, and Itsuki's stomach wriggled. He didn't understand what was wrong, but it made his chest ache to see the pain Ashiya was in.
Itsuki reached out a hand. He didn't know what he meant to do; he only knew that Ashiya was hurting and he needed to do something.
But Ashiya curled into himself and away from Itsuki's half-raised arm. Something inside Itsuki tightened and burned at this subtle rejection. He dropped his arm, hurt and bewilderment rushing over him so hard and fast he could hardly hear Ashiya when he spoke.
"I don't know what to tell you, Oshi-san," Ashiya said quietly. He hung his head so that his face was obscured by his shock of dark hair. "If she's fallen in love… Giri may never go back to being 'normal.' Love… It changes things. It changes you."
Itsuki frowned and traded glances between Ashiya and Oshi. They both looked miserable. This was not going well at all. He needed to intervene.
"Oshi-dono," he began, but then Ashiya straightened. His face was pale and his eyes sparkled with what looked like unshed tears.
"What's so strange about Giri falling in love anyway?" Ashiya demanded. Itsuki's mouth popped open at the stark fury in his voice. "You say you want Giri to go back to normal, but falling in love is normal! It's only natural that close friends would start to have feelings for each other. It happens all the time, even when we can't help it." Ashiya curled his hands into fists and leaned toward Oshi. "Why is it so hard to understand her? You're friends, aren't you? She's still the same person you knew. Isn't it just that you don't want to understand her?"
Oshi didn't seem to know what to say in the face of Ashiya's ferocious display. Itsuki was floored. He had never seen Ashiya so angry before, and it all seemed to come out of nowhere. Something soft and warm was in his lap, and when he looked down, he realized that Fuzzy had jumped off Ashiya's lap and was cowering on his.
"I…" Oshi stuttered. "I do want to…"
"Then you're just scared. You don't want things to change, right?"
Oshi's eye widened.
"Ashiya," Ituski warned. He laid Fuzzy aside and half rose out of his kneel to remove his employee from the room. He wouldn't allow his guests to be abused like this.
"Yes…" Itsuki paused and glanced at Oshi. The youkai cast his gaze down and wrung his hands. "Yes," he said again. "I am scared. Things were simpler before, but now they're changing, and if our friendship changes, who knows what else will change? What if Giri stops loving me, and then she stops wanting to be my friend?" Tears rushed into Oshi's eye again, falling in a steady stream. A small river formed in the tatami. "I don't… I don't want to lose her."
Ashiya sighed and sat back. The anger had ebbed out of him, and a deep sadness rose in its wake. "I know… But things have already changed, and there's no stopping it. Even if you're afraid, you have to face it. The only thing you can do is talk to Giri and explain your feelings, like she's done to you.
"You can't make Giri go back to the way she was. She can't. The only thing you can do is accept her as she is now. That doesn't mean you have to feel the same about her. But you owe it to Giri, as her best friend, to be honest and respectful, even if that means telling her you only want to be friends."
Oshi made a choked sound. Ashiya crawled across the floor, circumventing the pool of tears, and laid a hand on the youkai's head, giving it a gentle pat as Oshi cried. Fuzzy waddled over and nuzzled Ashiya's knee, and then Oshi.
Itsuki sat back and watched, feeling somehow like he was being left behind.
"You did good."
Itsuki and Ashiya stood facing each other in the darkened flower shop. They sent Oshi back to the Underworld, cried out and more hopeful than before. He thanked them and the Mononokean profusely for the advice and promised to be brave.
"I admit, I was a little worried when you started yelling." Ashiya winced and turned his dark eyes down to the floor. "But it worked. It would be better if you didn't lose your temper in front of a customer again, though, okay?"
Itsuki reached into his kimono sleeve and pulled out the Underworld currency Oshi had paid him. Since Ashiya did all the work, he deserves the whole amount. Even if it's not much…
"Hand," he prompted.
Ashiya raised his hand and Itsuki slipped the envelope into it. Before he could pull back, Ashiya clasped his other hand over Itsuki's.
"Abeno-san." Ashiya lifted his head. Itsuki chest tightened at the intensity he saw in the depths of his eyes. His heart beat faster, without him fully knowing why. But the electricity that sparked between them when Ashiya's gaze locked with his felt somehow dangerous.
"Er…" Itsuki cleared his throat, glancing down at Ashiya's hands folded around his. They were really warm, and he was pretty sure sweating. "Yes?"
Ashiya's throat worked for a moment. Then he drew in a shaky breath and said slowly, "I like you."
Itsuki stared. He tilted his head, trying to see if the words would translate differently if he rolled them around in his mind a bit.
Ashiya pressed his lips together, wet them, and continued. "It started at the aquarium, I think. Or maybe before that, I don't know. I wasn't sure until now, but talking with Oshi made me realize… I don't want to be scared anymore. I need to face it." His grip on Ituski's hand tightened. He took a step forward. "I like you, Abeno-san."
Itsuki's mouth went dry. There was barely a foot between them. Ashiya's hands were too warm. So was his gaze. And Itsuki's cheeks.
Itsuki pulled his hand away from Ashiya and took a step back, bumping up against a flower display. Hurt flitted across Ashiya's face, but he didn't try to reach out again. He watched Ituski with his dark, hopeful eyes.
Itsuki's body buzzed all over. His mind rioted with confusion.
"What do you think, Abeno-san?" Ashiya's voice was small from fear. They could both hear the tremor in it. Ashiya glanced away, and without his gaze pinning him, Itsuki felt a little air come back into his lungs.
What do I think? Ashiya was his classmate, his employee, his friend. And now? He could still feel the ghost of Ashiya's breath against his lips.
"I…" Itsuki's voice crackled, and he paused to clear his throat. Ashiya brushed his fingers over the petals of a lily and glanced up from under the fringe of his bangs. "I…don't know."
Ashiya wrapped his arms around himself. "Oh."
Shame flared in Itsuki's chest. He didn't want to see Ashiya hurt. He didn't want to be the cause. Why? Why did you say that? Why me? This was too much, too fast. Itsuki backed toward the door.
Moonlight drifted in through the window at the front of the shop, bathing the flowers in silver. Tears glistened like pricks of starlight at the corners of Ashiya's eyes, but they didn't fall. He watched steadily as Itsuki's back hit the door and he felt for the handle behind him.
Itsuki paused then. Heart pounding, stomach clenching, and head throbbing with emotions he had no idea how to sort. But he couldn't leave it like this. He owed Ashiya that much.
"I need to think about this," he murmured. "Can you give me some time…?"
"Of course. Take all the time you need." Ashiya's voice trembled, but he managed a smile.
That smile haunted Itsuki for the rest of the night.
