A/N:
The Questions in the chapter are NOT MINE (except for the sausage, the sheep and the cat ones)
The Answers are ALL MINE.
This is a gift fic to my darling friend, Nauss.
It is Beta-read by my dearest friend, MagdaTheMagpie.
Hope you enjoy it!
Let me know if you do.
"My girlfriend sneezes after sex. Will it keep her from getting pregnant?"
"No, it won't unless you are in the habit of inserting your penis up her nostrils."
"I'm a vegan. But if I masturbate with a sausage, will I become a non-vegetarian?"
"Human genitalia are not capable of consuming food. The contents you stuff into it do not end up in your stomach."
"I am having twins. Can I abort just one of the babies? I have decorated the nursery with girly themes. But now me and my husband have been informed that one of the twins is a boy. Can I abort him?"
Sherlock recoiled. He felt sick for associating John's name with this….this disaster. This was not stupidity; this was insanity. Complete madness. Inhuman selfishness. He would never even consider replying to this, to any of these, if not John's name was involved. John never turned away from a commitment. And if John's blog said he would answer the question, then he must. Until he told John about it and delete this whole damn thing. But until then, Sherlock would sacrifice his intellect and try to help them as much as possible. Like a brave martyr.
"Ask your husband to chop off one of his testicles. That will get rid of your baby automatically. Also please let me know your address, so that I can send someone to supervise the procedure."
Sherlock snapped the pen in his hand in two. His IQ was dropping rapidly. He could feel his brain was shrinking. Was this the time when people join a Yoga class or a monastery to dig up their inner peace?
He fisted his hair and tugged.
[][][][]
"Sherlock?"
"Hm?"
"Your text alert was on last night."
"Oh?"
"Yes, and you received several texts after you fell asleep."
"Oh. Must be the clients."
"Mmhmm… Sherlock?"
"Yes, John?"
"Is…..is Adler back?"
"What? No. John-"
"Someone else?"
"John, it's absolutely not what you are thinking, these are not-"
"I'm sorry, love. I just- I got you back after so much trouble that…. I love you."
"I love you too. I'm….sorry, John."
"For what?"
"Uh…for not turning off the text alerts?"
"You nutter, c'mere, will you?"
"Mmmmmmmm."
[][][][]
It was John's lunch break at the clinic and just when he was about to call Sherlock, Sarah knocked.
"Hi."
"Oh, hello, Sarah."
"Skipping lunch?"
"Mmm, not really hungry. I'll just grab a sandwich or something from the cafeteria, I guess. Sooo, did you need any-"
"Oh, no no. Nothing. I just came here to say hello. I'll just go then"
"Um, okay,"
Sarah gave him a peculiar smile and turned to go but stopped at the door.
"Uh, John?"
John frowned. "Yeah?"
"I appreciate what you are doing, you know. There are so many people with so many questions regarding….you know, regarding your, um, topic. And I think it is very nice of you to lend them your help."
John's frown deepened, what was she on about? "I- uh, don't really get what you're-"
"Your blog! I think it's great, John. I mean, of course, there are many like yours, but in your case, I can be certain that the advices will be genuine."
Blog? Ohh. The medical blog! She follows it? "You think so? I thought no one's gonna give it a second thought."
"Are you serious? Do you know how many people seek such advice? People don't always feel comfortable to discuss those things, you see. It's very generous of you to do something without any profit. It's good."
John blinked. "Thanks. I mean, it's not much. Just some medical tips, but thanks, Sarah."
"Oh, you're always welcome, John." She gave him a sultry smile (really?), "So, maybe you can help me out sometimes?"
Ummmm…. "But aren't you a doc yourself?" why the hell is she giggling?!
"Not as good as you. So, are you refusing to help me then?"
"No, I- yeah. I mean, you can- you can ask for my help anytime. It's- yeah."
"That's great. I'll keep that in mind. Now, enjoy your lunch."
After that giggle and hair flip? I don't think so. John thought with a grimace as she left the room. Maybe I should call it a day and go home. Sherlock is right, there's definitely something wrong with that woman.
[][][][]
"I'm 17yo boy. I still haven't got my first period. My sister had hers when she was 14. Is it a boy thing to have them later than the girls or there's something wrong with me? When will I have it?"
"You won't. There's something very wrong with you. Your life is over. You'll die soon. My condolences."
"Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while being pregnant?"
"Are you asking me? In that case, no, my baby cannot get pregnant as I cannot get pregnant. Complicated male pregnancy and all. But in your case, yes, the baby certainly can get pregnant. So, stop having sex immediately, unless you want to have grandbabies along with your babies."
"Is it true that you don't need to wear condoms while sleeping with an Asian woman since they can't get pregnant?"
"Absolutely true. Asian people download their babies from the internet, didn't you know?"
"How do you finger a girl?"
"I do not."
[][][][]
"Hello, John, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Shut up, Mycroft. Uh, listen, can you somehow arrange another pack of that special brand of basil tea you gave Sherlock last Christmas? It seemed to sooth his nerves. Your brother's driving me nuts."
"Oh, more than usual?"
"Way more. Don't know why, but he's so restless and snappish recently. And….Mycroft?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know if- if Irene Adler is back?"
"No, I haven't received any such information. Why do you ask?"
"It's just…Sherlock is getting texts all day long. He has assured me that it isn't her, but…"
"Oh."
"Oh? Hang on! I know this Holmes 'oh' enough to know that you're hiding something from me. What is it then? Out with it."
"Oh, no no. It's just a reaction. However, I must congratulate you for the success of your new blog, Doctor."
"My new what?"
"Your new blog, of course."
"New blo- what the hell are you talking about?"
"Am I to presume that my dear brother hasn't told you about your new blog?"
"What blog?"
"Ah. Well, I hate to keep you in the dark, John. I am sending you the link. It is very…interesting."
"Huh? Mycroft? What's going on?"
"You'll see in a minute. Ah, sent you the link."
"Oh, okay, I just- Bye..and the tea, don't forget the tea."
"Of course, how can I? And John, those text alerts are not from Irene Adler, be assured."
"O-kay, I'll- yeah."
[][][][]
John clicked on the link Mycroft sent him.
And thanked his non-existent luck for ordering that nerve soothing tea.
[][][][]
Sherlock knew that John knew as soon as the front door banged open downstairs. He schooled his face to look like a kicked puppy.
After much stomping noise, John entered the room. Sherlock looked up as innocently as he could manage.
"Do you want to tell me something?" John almost hissed.
"About what, John?" Since when being obtuse has ever helped anyone? But Sherlock tried it anyway.
"Playing dumb really doesn't suit you. So, mind telling me now?"
Sherlock huffed and went back to his original grumpy self. "You know already, what else is there to tell?"
"Oh, I don't know..hmmm…maybe why the fuck did you do that to me?" John's nose turned red whenever he yelled, Sherlock noted thoughtfully.
"I was annoyed with you."
"Annoyed? You hacked my computer and created a bloody sex blog using my name just because you were annoyed with me?!" John was all red now and looked alarmingly angry.
Sherlock began to sulk.
"It is not a 'sex blog'. People ask sex related questions there and you answer-" He stopped seeing John's expression and amended immediately, "and I answer them."
John looked ridiculous saucer-eyed. "You did what? Y- you answered their questions? You didn't just stop creating the blog, you also answered questions pretending to be me?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SHERLOCK!"
"Stop being so dramatic, will you? And it's not like you had to sacrifice anything. I endured everything. It was I who sacrificed my sanity to maintain the blog for the sake of your reputation."
"Oh yeah? Now I have to listen to you preaching about holding a reputation? For the sake of my reputation? What reputation, Sherlock? A sexpert? Sexpert?! Really? You were annoyed and you made me a sexpert?! And then you answered fuck knows what kind of questions using my name! Do you still think there's anything left of my reputation as a reliable doctor?"
"You have become quite popular."
"Shut up. Just shut up, you crazy…" He struggled for the appropriate word and settled for, "baboon."
"Have you seen those questions? Do you know how much it cost me to read them and not to kill those morons? My IQ dropped, John! It dropped below the average!"
"All the more reasons not to answer them. Then why did you?"
"Because you never shy away from a challenge. You never break your commitment. In the blog, you- I wrote that I was going to answer all the questions. And I tried to maintain it for your sake. Don't you get it? I am trapped in my own trap." Sherlock tugged at his hair again. Head bent. Eyes closed.
He heard a sigh and felt John's hands on his own after a few minutes, loosening his fingers from the curls. Then the couch dipped beside him.
He didn't need to see to know that John was rubbing his face with slumped shoulders.
"Show me the questions."
Sherlock looked up with a frown and a pout.
"Go on, show me my blog."
Without saying anything Sherlock just pushed the laptop towards John.
"Really? You seriously think I can guess your password? Maybe that IQ dropping thing wasn't all drama, then."
Sherlock scowled again. "No, it wasn't and the page is open."
John looked at him a moment long before shaking his head and turning his attention towards the laptop.
xxxxxxx
Sherlock had never seen John laughing so hard. And he would have been ecstatic to be the cause of that hearty laugh if it wasn't at his expense.
Here Sherlock sat, trapped and distraught with his heartless boyfriend laughing his inflated head off for the last fifteen minutes. Cretin.
"I never took you for someone who would laugh at someone's misery." Sherlock grumbled.
"Misery? Sherlock, this is epic! These ques-" another bout of laughter, "are these people serious? Goodness! Having sex with a- with a garden…bloody hell! Curling iron? Really? This is marvelous! Oh Sherlock….and your replies….."
These laughing fits were grating on Sherlock's nerves now.
"It's your fault. You did all this. None of these would have happened if you hadn't gone out with Lestrade and ignored my texts." Sherlock snapped.
"You drugged me without my knowledge, what did you expect?" John snapped back.
"Hence this punishment."
"And what about the punishment for publicly making me a sex expert?" John wasn't really threatening but Sherlock knew better.
"What about it?"
"No sex for a month and you keep the blog going."
"WHAT? HAVE- HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR BLOODY MIND? A MONTH?!" Sherlock didn't know if he should scream or cry. "A month without sex while I deal with those nitwits' sex lives? I have to deal with those messages again? AGAIN? And what about your bloody reputation? You were almost ready to behead me moments ago for ruining it!"
"A retired Army doctor, who is also a sidekick of the Hat-Detective and a part time blogger blogging about the notoriety of his partner, doesn't hold much of a reputation as a GP."
Sherlock looked incredulous. You can't do that! No, absolutely not. John, no!" He was too distressed to stop his babbling.
John laughed. He LAUGHED!
"Okay, alright, princess, no need to get your knickers in a twist. No sex for a week but you have to keep replying those PM's."
"No, never, no no no. Do you think I fear you? You ignoramus-"
"Sherlock," John warned with a pointed look, "don't push, love."
Sherlock pursed his lips. "Why do you want to see me brain dead?"
"Let's just say your dry wit and that wickedly talented sharp tongue turns me on. Imagine what reward will you get for being a good boy for a week?" John slid close. Very close.
Sherlock's eyes widened, then fluttered closed as a wet tongue licked his ear.
"Okay." Damn John and his talented tongue.
"Good boy. Now, answer those messages." John ruffled Sherlock's hair and got up. "And love, try not to be too harsh. No one wants to look foolish willingly. Maybe they genuinely need your help."
"You read the questions, didn't you?"
"Yep, each and every one."
"And yet you are telling me to be kind."
"Well, as 'kind' as you can be."
"Deliberate ignorance is a crime John."
"But you love crimes, don't you?"
"…I hate you."
John laughed. "Love you too. Now, go on. Those ding-dings are driving me up the wall."
Groaning, Sherlock pulled the laptop into his lap.
[][][][]
Ding.
"How do I make my penis grow longer?"
"Water it on a regular basis."
Ding.
"I swallowed the contraceptive pill that was meant for my girlfriend. What would happen now?"
"You won't end up pregnant. Congratulations."
Ding
"Should I use aluminum foil or a condom while masturbating with a cucumber?"
"Use both. And make sure to take a contraceptive pill if you do not want to make cucumber babies."
Ding
"Can I have sex with a plant? If yes, then which one is the ideal?"
"Cactus is ideal for anal sex."
Ding
"I think my cat wants to suck me off. Whenever I jerk off, she licks her lips. What do you suggest?"
"A lobotomy."
Ding
"I'm 21 and I reeeelly like to make babies. How do I get pregnant?"
"By pretending to be mute when with a potential partner."
Ding
"I'm a 32yo healthy married man. My wife just gave birth to our baby a few weeks ago. And now, I am suffering from postnatal depression. What should I do?"
"Contact a psychiatrist."
Ding
"I don't like the taste of the birth control pills. Can I just take the placebo pills?"
"Only if your partner ejaculates placebo sperms."
Ding
"How can you fix a torn condom?"
"With thread and needle."
Ding
"How can I be myself in bed?"
"Order a 'myself' in Amazon. There's a special offer going on."
Ding
"Do baby control pills work on sheep? I don't wanna be a dad, I'm only 15! L"
"Leave the poor sheep alone, you dolt. Not every hole is for inserting your penis."
Ding
"Can I get pregnant from phone sex?"
"Yes, you can. The phone company sends the baby along with the bill."
Ding
"Since my girlfriend got pregnant, her period has stopped. Do you think the child is drinking all the blood? What do we do now?"
"Call the social child security as soon as the baby is born."
Ding
"How long before I grow my own condom?"
"You weren't born with it? That's strange. There are artificial condoms available in the market for the unfortunates like you. Try them."
Ding
"Is blowjob cannibalism?"
"Unless you actually 'eat' the penis while fellating, no, it's not."
Ding
I'm guy. I like to put grapes up my butt while masturbating. What if I put, like twenty grapes up there and not all of them come out later? What will happen?"
"You'll get grape juice at some point."
Ding
"How do I determine my baby's gender?"
"By looking in between its legs."
Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding
Sherlock had forgotten when was the last time he cried, but he really really wanted to cry now. Wanted to howl in pain. He looked at John -the bane of his existence, the reason behind all the ding-dings- and saw him reading the paper sitting serenely in his red chair. Sherlock wanted to throw the laptop at his head. Wanted to go and curl up on John's lap.
"John?" He almost sniffled, looking pathetic.
"Yes, love?" The bastard looked amused!
"John, no more."
"A week worth of love making, remember?"
"Still, no more. Please."
"But you have to take responsibility for what you do, Sherlock. Okay, come here, let's take a break."
Sherlock was tempted to refuse, to lash out. But instead, he got up, trotted to the John-chair, and flopped down on John's lap. He ignored the resulting 'mmphh' from his heartless boyfriend, and wrapped his limbs around his warm, squishy, very much alive soft toy. He pressed his head against John's chest and closed his eyes.
As long as he had this, he could face any challenge, any disaster; could overcome any fear.
Ding
Or not.
[][][][]
