It's pretty flaky, this feeling.
Scotty hates dwelling on stuff, but sometimes the nights get pretty long waiting to head Kel's nightmares off at the pass, and the moonlight hits the floor just so, and… Well, anyway, sometimes stuff just creeps up on you.
And this ache, this thing wanting to bust out of his skin 24/7, is just flaky.
He aches for Kelly, every waking moment. Every time Kelly needs to shift position to relieve the pressure on his tortured joints, Kel can't suppress his groans, because the slightest movement reignites the flames in his skinned and shredded back. Scotty lunges to help him, and that's another hell in itself, holding onto white hands trembling with weakness and trying to find a place to grip him by that won't cause him pain which is impossible because every part of Kel's body hurts, and Scotty bends close and murmurs to the poor guy, making jokes, doing what he can to console him, when all he wants is to cry out in misery and frustration. Even when Kel's just had his local, which he has to have when they change his dressings, and the sharpest edge of his agony is blunted, Scotty still hates to see Kelly floundering in bed because his joints are too battered to let him move. He helps him move, of course, but he burns with the desire to help him, really help him, to just reach out and take his pain away. The nurses have been on the end of a few blistering monologues with regard to pain meds already, and some of the lines of suffering in Kelly's face are less prominent as a result, his color a smidgen improved.
And Scotty doesn't understand it. He's never felt like this before, not even when Russ or his Mom were—hurt, or sick. True, he used to be the one to bear the brunt of… things, and he never let on to his brother or his mother – especially his mother – about most of it, but even so… He's taken care of a sick little brother many times, feeling serious and responsible. His Mom. Jo, too, before he moved out. But he's never felt quite like this, like every little gasp and moan from Kelly's throat is making his chest painful and tight, like Kelly's grimaces of pain are cutting off his air, like he's boiling with uncontrollable rage every time he sees Kelly's swollen joints and raw back, like —the completely illogical feeling sweeps through him— like if only it was him instead of Kel, it would be easier, like it would be easier to be the one hurting than feel like this.
He doesn't let on to Kelly, of course, but it's all he can do to put a brave face on it. Whenever Kelly looks at him, he has to work hard to find his usual grin. It's fortunate he's had a lifetime of practice, because sometimes he can't bear to smile when he wants to frown, can't bear to act casual when he feels like yelling… can't bear to be cheerful when all he wants is to run to his mother and bawl into her apron about how the bad men hurt his pal and he feels so awful, Mommy, so awful for him and please please please make it stop hurting for Kel, Mommy, please. He's known since he was a little kid that you can't really kiss owies away, but he'd give anything right now for them both to be five years old and for Mommy to take Kelly in her arms and kiss it all better.
Well, they're not five years old, and Mom's not here, so he'll have to do. And so he smiles, and makes funnies, and tries to give Kelly all he can. He'll give everything he has and more, and it's no sacrifice – it's for him, for Scotty. Because when Kelly's down, Scotty feels – like he's alone on a mountaintop, or stranded in the desert, or something.
He didn't used to feel like that before there was Kel; he was doing okay on his own. But then Kelly came into his life, and Kel always puts it on the line for him, won't let him face danger alone, pulls his hash out of the fire, helps him, guides him, to the point where Scotty's got used to it, darn it all, anyway, gotten used to having someone to lean on. Look up to, even, though Kel's the last cat in the world to believe he's worthy of anyone's admiration.
It's a big-brother thing, he knows, the instinct to shield the younger sibling, to shoulder the blows and make everything better for your little brother. And Kelly does that. For him. And that makes Scotty feel…Well, anyway, he wants to get Kel up, help him stand straight and tall the way he was before. He's gotten too used to having him in his corner, at his side.
And there's no way he's going to go back to walking alone again.
