The Path Ahead
Sixteen Days Post Catalyst - Midnight
Ahsoka stopped outside the door to Rex's quarters and lifted one hand, hesitating for a fraction of a second before she rapped firmly. Twice.
The door opened almost immediately and she came face to face with him. Or rather, face to chest and she blinked, feeling her color darken as she lifted her gaze from his bare chest to his eyes. Their gazes locked and Rex stepped back, motioning her in.
Stepping into his small room after a quick glance to ensure she still wasn't being watched, she turned straight into his arms as the door closed securely, sliding her arms around his waist and practically burrowing into his chest. Rex's arms came up around her, encircling her within them and holding her close.
"Ahsoka?"
"Just hold me for a minute," she pleaded softly.
The stress of the day after the ups and downs of the last three weeks had driven her to this. Now that Rex was hers to hold again, a part of her couldn't believe it and she'd woken in a cold sweat, wondering if everything in the last forty eight hours had been a dream. Unable to wait for morning, she'd come straight to his quarters for this reason and this reason alone. Uncharacteristic, perhaps, but despite their reconciliation, she needed the assurance.
Now, with his arms around her, the tightness in her throat and chest began to ease. Rex's hand slid under her lek and to the base of her skull, cradling her head as she tightened her grip around his waist and closed her eyes, inhaling his familiar scent.
They stayed that way for several minutes, Rex listening to her unspoken cues, and his arms around her didn't even begin to ease until hers did. Ahsoka wasn't fully conscious of doing so, but she felt the tension around her back ease and she edged a fraction backwards, tilting her head back to look up at him.
Their gazes locked and Rex bent his head, pausing, as if looking for something to dissuade him, but Ahsoka wasn't about to give it. She came up on her toes, one arm sliding up his chest to wrap around his neck as their lips touched in an almost hesitant, but heartfelt, kiss.
They lingered together before Rex pulled back, putting his forehead to hers, but not letting her back to her feet just yet. His arm tightened back around her waist, one hand splayed across her side, the other sliding from under her lek to cup her face.
The smile she expected to see didn't cross his lips and she could see, in the dim lights of his room, that his expression was solemn; as solemn as his voice when he spoke softly. "What is it?"
There, wrapped in his arms, her doubts suddenly seemed silly despite the hurdles they'd had to overcome to get here. "I… missed you."
"You saw me before lights out."
"And I still missed you," saying it aloud made her flush, suddenly feeling sheepish and childish for her nightmares. "I'm sorry I woke you."
"Don't be."
His hands slid down her sides in a firm caress that was as much a question as an invitation, and Ahsoka practically arched into that touch. He'd loved her sweetly last night, but he'd held himself back and a part of her was craving the wild, uninhibited partner that had claimed her after their mission to Ord Mantell. Without that loss of control on Rex's part, she wondered if she would ever truly feel that he was hers again. She wanted him uninhibited. Wild. Passionate. As out of control as she felt every time he touched her in such an intimate way.
Rex's head bent his lips brushing hers as she was set back to her feet, only to trail away down her cheek and to her neck almost immediately. Her head feel back, barring it to him, and Rex's teeth grazed her skin, making her shudder, her eyes half-closing as they scraped across the sensitive vein her lekku.
Unexpectedly, Rex pressed his lips to the same spot in a deliberate kiss and then swept her into his arms. Ahsoka grasped him blindly, her eyes flying open, only to find herself on his lap and within the circle of his arms as he settled on the bed.
Not in a sexual way, but in a comforting way completely at odds with his actions before.
Confused, her blood still singing through her veins from that caress, she turned her gaze to his. Searching, she wasn't sure what she was looking for exactly, but what she found wasn't what she was expecting. Caring, yes; love, certainly but also restraint and... understanding? Not sure she was seeing it right, she stared at him and his hand came back up to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing over the bone. It was a gesture he'd not used, really used, since the Catalyst. "Rex?"
There was a pause, and then his thumb repeated the caress. "You didn't come here for that."
A small part of her objected; she really had come to lose herself in his arms, but another part - the larger part - agreed with him. She'd come to talk; the discussion that they should have had when they'd finished their mission and she'd called him to her room. At the time, she hadn't regretted the intimacy they'd shared instead, but in the weeks following, she had. She'd regretted not trying to stop him; not trying to insist they talk.
Rex looked at her differently than anyone else, with more than just heat and lust in his eyes, and she'd missed that. Craved it, especially now.
"What is it, Ahsoka?"
"Why did you stop?"
"You're hesitating." His thumb stroked in a long caress across her cheek bone. "Thinking."
It wasn't something she was about to deny. "I… was. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," he chided. "Talk to me."
"Rex..."
"There's something on your mind. What is it?
"Do… do you remember two weeks ago when I called you to my quarters? After we were done at the Catalyst?"
"Considering the grief I put us through because of it, I'm not likely to forget."
"I didn't just call you to my quarters because of… of that," her montrals and skin deepened in color as she spoke, but Ahsoka did her best to ignore it, "but I… I mean, I genuinely wanted to talk to you."
The unspoken fact that they'd never truly discussed her last day of the mission hung between them and Rex's grip tightened fractionally; an apology Ahsoka could sense more than feel. She didn't respond and Rex's next words were a prompting. "About the mission."
Nodding, she tried to think of where to start, her hand creeping up to the raised scar on her upper arm; a wound she'd resisted having bacta treatment for, both because of the memory of what had occurred and the lesson it had taught her. Rexs warm fingers covered hers and her gaze went to his. The depths of his amber gaze held a banked desire that was now familiar, but - more importantly - they held a patience that hadn't been there before. Sating themselves the night before appeared to have taken the edge off his desires… or, perhaps more accurately, the last couple of weeks had given him perspective on them.
Just as, Ahsoka knew, they had given her perspective. "Not just about the mission, but yeah," she tilted her head to his shoulder. Rex tucked his cheek against her forehead, breaking their eye contact, and she exhaled, her voice low. "The mission is a big part of it. A lot happened that last day, huh?"
He chuckled and she felt it more than heard it, resonating through her montrals. "That's an understatement, 'Soka."
She shivered with the nickname, the huskiness in his voice giving her goose flesh - in the best way possible. Rex's arms tightened around her, his lips grazing her forehead in a soft caress of understanding, but he made no move to take the action further. Staying where she was, Ahsoka started to speak. "Do you remember that last morning?"
"Which part?"
Ahsoka considered his question and then rephrased her own. "Morning is a relative term, I guess. I'm more thinking about once we got to the Catalyst."
"I remember wanting to knock the teeth of a bouncer or two in."
Her lips curved into a brief smile. "I thought you might have."
"Didn't you?"
"I couldn't risk breaking out cover and... to be honest, I was more worried about what I had to do later with the Seppie - not to mention how to get away before Rhyn before he could make good on his threat - to worry about a couple of comments from the hired help."
"Even after I promised to protect you?"
"I knew you would," she assured him without missing a beat, "but you and I both know there wasn't anything we could do about that lap dance."
"Doesn't mean I liked it any more than you did."
Ahsoka exhaled, the memory of the dance itself still a sore spot for her. It would fade, she hoped, over time. Especially since everything that had happened with Rex had come after. When she was truly honest with herself, she was able to admit that Rex's touch banished the memory quite effectively. "No. But that was the mission."
"And not what you were trying to tell me," his grip didn't ease at all as he spoke, drawing her back to topic. "What were you trying to tell me?"
"It was our last night at the Catalyst," Ahsoka couldn't help the somewhat sad note that crept into her voice. For all the experience had been negative in a social kind of way, it had been primarily positive with regards to her and Rex. Until their return to the resolute, there was never a time when they'd learned more about one another or been closer.
The confusion in Rex's next question made her smile again. "Were you sad to see the end of the mission?"
"I was sad you'd never get to watch me dance again." She could almost feel his confusion and elaborated. "For all the job at the Catalyst was a ruse to eventually get that crystal from the Seppie, there was something thrilling about you watching me dance."
"There was something thrilling about watching you dance."
His agreement led to a weighted silence that Ahsoka broke by squeezing his fingers. "I guess what I mean is that I kind of hope you ask me to dance for you again someday."
"That dance in the dressing room before your last act notwithstanding?"
Ahsoka felt herself flush from her toes to the tips of her montrals and pushed away enough to see his face. "Rex!"
His sexy half smile made her stomach flip. "While I was killing myself over having hurt you, one of my biggest regrets was never having gotten a chance to finish that dance."
"I think where we were headed went beyond dancing."
"That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to finish it - someday. If you wanted to."
"Oh," her lips curved, "I want to. Just not today."
"Not today," he agreed, punctuating it with a firm nod. "After what Rhyn put you through before that and then dealing with the Seppie afterwards, I'm surprised you still want to."
"I still have the crystals you bought me," curling close to him again, Ahsoka put her head back on his shoulder. "Blood and all."
"You do?"
She nodded.
Rex was surprisingly quiet.
"Surprised?"
"Confused." His admission was hesitant. "I didn't think you'd want to keep them."
"They're the only gift you've ever given me, Rex." Lacing as much conviction into her tone as she could, she squeezed him with the arm around his back. "Despite how you were treating me, I still loved you. I might not have been able to look at them, but I wasn't just going to throw them away."
He didn't seem to know what to say about that, but Ahsoka wasn't as shocked as she once might have been. Rex was still learning about this relationship stuff, much as she was, and for all she was being honest, it wasn't easy. Leaving it at that, she continued.
"I was sorry we didn't get to finish what we were doing before I received them, though."
"We both were." He pressed his lips against her flesh again. "In retrospect, it was probably for the best."
"I know why from my end, but why do you feel that way, Rex?" He hesitated and Ahsoka pulled back to look at him again, her brow furrowed. "Rex?"
He sighed. "Because if I'd made you mine then, Ahsoka, I'd never have been able to let you go back out on stage and finish the mission."
"I was already yours."
"Not like that. Even now I don't like having my brothers touch you," the admission almost seemed to be torn from him, "and I trust them. I could never have let you continue with the mission once we'd-"
Ahsoka covered his lips with her fingers, cutting him off. "I know. I feel the same. Once I'd had all of you, I would never have been able to finish the mission." She dropped her fingers and leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. "It's also because of that time on that sofa that I was able to finish the mission, though. You gave me that courage; that ability, Rex. Until that moment, I don't think I would have been able to."
"I hated putting you through it."
"You didn't envision the mission and assign it to me."
"No, but I was there to protect you and I couldn't."
"It wasn't your fault, Rex."
"I was there, boots on the ground, right next to you, Ahsoka. I knew it was wrong and we proceeded anyway."
"We had orders, Rex, you can't-"
"I can." He tilted his forehead to hers. "I do. The orders were wrong; we were wrong. The council never should have chosen you for that assignment; we should have declined it as soon as we knew what it would entail."
"You're right," she exhaled a long breath. "You're right. We never should have accepted the mission."
They stared at one another, amber searching azure before Rex sighed. "If I had known then what I know now, we never would have."
"But we didn't."
"No. We didn't."
And that was the crux of the matter. To have had the knowledge and conviction to say no to the assignment, they first needed to experience the assignment to realize just how damaging it had the potential to be. That it had been; neither of them had emerged the same person they'd been when they'd begun and a part of Ahsoka mourned the innocence they'd both lost. Despite everything they'd gained and the deepening of their relationship, she knew there were tougher times ahead but for different reasons.
Neither she nor Rex had an occupation where they weren't shot at on practically a daily basis. There was the very real danger of one or both of them not surviving the war. Despite the men backing them up, men who could die in the next engagement as easily as either one of them, Ahsoka knew the chances of any of them making it out of this alive were slim and got slimmer every time they took the field.
And while it was some comfort that Rex had survived every brush with death to date, Ahsoka knew it couldn't last. Rex wasn't the kind of leader who expected his men to go where he wouldn't and, as a result, ended up in the thickest and most dangerous of the fighting with or without her by his side.
"Whatever you're thinking, stop."
She blinked, finding him watching her with a furrowed brow. "Why?"
"Because it won't change things. We're a sum of our experiences, good and bad; worrying about what could have been or what might happen is a good way to get ourselves killed."
"Being in a war is a good way to get killed."
He chuckled, smiling his half-smile, and hugged her. "We're not dead yet."
No; they weren't. Which meant that had to deal with the fallout of the weeks' worth of time they'd spent at the Catalyst and the following two where their relationship had become something neither of them had expected; on either side of their first time together.
"Where do we go from here, Rex?"
"Forward."
She gave a bark of laughter, hugging him tightly, but shook her head. "You know what I mean, Rexster. Where do we go from here with this," she made a motion between them with one hand, "us."
There was a pause and then, to her surprise, Rex shrugged and backed off a little, leaving just one arm around her. "We take it slow."
It wasn't the answer she was expecting and Ahsoka blinked. "Slow?"
His expression was solemn as he regarded her, lifting her hand to cup her cheek. "I hurt you. I betrayed your trust. I'm under no illusion that our night last night means that all is forgiven."
A part of her wanted to deny it, but there was truth to his words she couldn't ignore. Rex had hurt her. Badly. And the trust that they'd built up over the years had been shaken and undermined, but not destroyed. She'd never have accepted him into her bed the previous night if she hadn't believed him worthy of being trusted again. That didn't mean that she trusted him completely and it was a relief that he recognized that.
"So where do we start?"
"Not at the beginning," he offered with a half smile, "but close enough to it."
"But why?"
"The Catalyst changed us both , Ahsoka. For better and for worse. For me, it catered to a part of my nature I've tried very hard to leash when not on the battle field."
"Your soldier's instincts."
Rex nodded. "I'm a man bred and programmed to destroy things. To damage, maim and kill."
"You're not just a sum of your training!"
He seemed to enjoy her indignation. "I know. But it is a large part that shapes the rest of me."
She hated to hear him like this. "Rex…"
"Having that leeway to kill to protect you," his gaze never wavered, "I don't regret it. I can't. Not when it kept you safe."
"Which doesn't make you a killer, but a protector. My protector." Her words were earnest as she covered his hand with her own. "I know I've said this before, but I would never have been able to do that mission without you, Rex. If Anakin had been there, I would have failed."
"If the General had been there, you'd have been shipped back to the Resolute the moment he discovered what they asked of you."
"Meaning I never would have left?"
"Exactly!"
Ahsoka laughed softly. "For all the heartache it brought, I'm glad I got to do the mission with you."
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's true." Her fingers intertwined with his, curling about them firmly as she held his hand to her face and letting him see the truth of her words in her gaze. "If we hadn't been together on Ord Mantell, I would never have seen the sides of you that you chose to show me there. You were more than just my partner, Rex; you always were, but that was… more. You were friend, lover and teacher. Student, partner and master. Protector, defender and soldier. How could I regret ever seeing the tenderness you chose to show me? The caring and consideration? I would never have gotten to see those sides of you here."
He couldn't deny her words and, to her relief, didn't even try. "I don't show I care for you?"
"Not in the way you did while we were on mission, no. That's not a bad thing, but if we hadn't gone on that mission we'd never be as close as we are now."
"We also would have saved ourselves some heart ache."
"For how long, Rex?" She searched his gaze. "A few weeks? A year? What's between us isn't something we were just going to ignore forever, right?"
"Maybe," he corrected, "if it hadn't been for Ord Mantell."
Digesting that thought, Ahsoka turned it around in her mind and reluctantly agreed with him. Without the hard, brutal push the mission had given them, they would probably have never taken the steps they had. Or, if they would have, it would have been months, possibly years down the road. Rex's sense of responsibility and honor would have prevented him from ever making the first move, which would have left it up to her. As a Jedi, even one in training, she knew attachments were wrong, but her attachment to Rex didn't feel that way. As a result, she wasn't sure she would have waited for too much longer. The question was, without the push from the mission, would Rex have had the courage to risk it? She didn't dare ask.
"Stop overthinking this, Ahsoka."
"I can't help it," shaking her head, Ahsoka swallowed hard. "What if we'd never gone on that mission, Rex? What if none of this had happened? Where would we be?"
"Friends and partners."
"But not lovers."
"I loved you before Ord Mantell and the Catalyst, 'Soka." He looked pained to say it. "I just never realized the depth of what I felt or the name to give it until after I thought I'd lost you."
"Well after – and you didn't. I still can't believe it was Anakin who helped you see things my way. There's a certain kind of irony in that." They shared a laugh. "I'm afraid I'm dreaming, Rex. That I'll wake up in the morning and find that you're still not talking to me."
"I'm not going anywhere. " His lips twisted again in the half smile that made her heart jump. "Except maybe your quarters to ensure you're not caught here."
"Do… you think we're maybe moving too fast? Like we've done things... I don't know, out of order?"
"Is there a right order?" The confusion she expected behind such a question was nowhere to be found. "We were friends and partners before the mission. There is no one I'd rather have at my side on mission or in a firefight. "
"This isn't a mission or something we can look up in a manual. This is you and me and who knows what kind of future. We could die tomorrow or a hundred years from now!"
"I'll be lucky to live half that long and Togruta are not that long lived a species, especially with your chosen path."
"See? There isn't a manual we can follow."
"I never said we should."
"But you thought it. " The accusation rolled off her tongue before she thought better of it. "You can't tell me you didn't research-"
"I did." He didn't bother trying to deny it, watching her with his ever immovable expression, only the flare of temper in his eyes belying that he wasn't as calm as he seemed. "I've already nearly lost you once to a lack of knowledge. I won't make that mistake a second time."
"But every relationship is different, Rex. Even our friendship, before the Catalyst and that mission was different from everyone else's. What works for someone else isn't necessarily going to work for you and I."
"Than what do you suggest?
"That we figure this out together; that we talk and express ourselves open and honestly. No lies. No avoiding the difficult topics; we face them head on like we did on mission. Just you and me and whatever the future brings. Isn't that enough?"
He was silent for a moment before nodding once. "In the interest of honesty, I think you should get back to your quarters."
"Wha… now?"
"We've both had a long day. A night apart to think-"
"Thinking is what got us into that mess in the first place."
"Then a night apart to sleep," he amended, stroking her cheek before setting her on her feet and releasing her from his embrace as they moved towards the door. "You've given me a lot to think about."
"And tomorrow?" Ahsoka couldn't help the anxiety that seemed to crawl back in. It would probably take a while before the fear of him abandoning her again faded completely and their reality really began to sink in.
Rex turned to her as they stopped at his door, one hand on the portal, just shy of the controls, the other sliding down her arm until their fingers intertwined. "Tomorrow, we keep advancing." There was a hint of a promise under the certainty in his voice and his eyes, all of which combined to reassure her even before he finished. "Together."
fin
