Yesterday's Feelings

Part Two: When two are one

By: Shuheivanessa"

SUMMARY: Light's changed world brought to him by Panda-chan and Sayu Oneechan. What, Sayu the older sister?

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters; they belong to their creators, etc. The ideas and concepts in this story are mine entirely. If you have any comments you know where to reach me …

Notes: I will like to thank my beta Reader Nocturnal Ferri for being there for me and my stuff. This is a crossover fiction on DN not to be confused as a sequel to the other one of my stories. This isn't a Bleach crossover, but it is a crossover with a certain book.

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Hope for a better future …

When two are one … or … Lose it …

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Standing on the edge of my sanity, I knew that everything was my fault and that everything that happened was because of my bad karma, even if my father hadn't believed me when I told him that it was. It was my fault that I was born like this…this is my punishment. I have known that something was wrong with me ever since I was little. Now I know the truth, my truth, the whole reason of my existence…to feel the pain of …

I didn't want to get out of bed or even open my eyes to face the day. I didn't want to do anything or even acknowledge that I'm alive. Maybe if I kept my eyes closed I would go back to Mu and all of this would have been a wonderful dream. That dark place I had been in, Mu, that's were somebody like me belongs; a place where I can't hurt anybody. I'm like an Irukandji; my venom kills anybody I touch.

This is it. I'm shaken and I don't want my siblings to know that I'm in much deserved pain. The pain comes from the suffering of those I had hurt during my last incarnation...as Kira. So much indescribable pain that I can't move, but I don't fight it. I welcome all of it, the pain, fear, grief, anguish, and regret.

Well, it's a good thing that the first time I had a vision of my past incarnation happened while I was still in bed. The moment I had the vision, torrents of feelings from Kira's victims hadn't just paralyzed me, they suffocated me. I gratefully passed out when the vision was over. It had happened on my fourteenth birthday. In my past incarnation, she had been the one who was fourteen, and I, her older brother. Now, in this life, she is my neechan and an overbearing and overprotective one at that.

I groaned when I finally decided to open my eyes but was happy to see that it was early morning already. I usually have a horrible headache after my visions but this time my face felt a little damp as well. This was something new; I had never cried during a vision, not even over one as horrible as this one. When I touched my face and looked at my hand, I was shocked to see the tips of my fingers stained with blood. My only question was: Why now? Why didn't this happen during my first vision?

What's going on? This has never happened since I started getting visions last year. But this time I knew that something was different. Something in me had changed when I turned fifteen. I looked at my hands, at my trembling fingers and noticed that my left wrist had a distinct tattoo of a blue flaming skull. I wondered what it was for and where it came from. I covered it with a thick leather bracelet so that my siblings wouldn't notice.

I have never felt this bad and terrible in this life or in my past one. I feel betrayed and hurt about my past crimes. So this is what redemption feels like, regretting every murder, every betrayal and everything I had done to hurt people in my madness as Kira. With what I had done, I have to face myself again. I breathed heavily now, trying to hide how I was feeling so that my siblings wouldn't worry. But now with all the pain, it was hard to put on a mask of indifference.

"I'm one of the good guys now and I help to save the world with my visions," I repeat myself this until I'm considerably calm. Deep down inside I know that I can't forget about my guilt and this gives me the strength to keep fighting the good fight.

I have to face my guilt head-on and let the memories of everyone I had tortured, killed, manipulated, or used fill my mind. In my past life I had taken pleasure in doing such things, but now I could feel nothing but anguish. I had believed in justice, but then how could I have done such atrocities? I knew all of the seven deadly sins and I had committed every one of them.

What happened to me? When had I lost control of my mind and my life? Was it when I killed criminals with the Death Note? When I faced L? When I corrupted someone into becoming my second Kira? When I manipulated a death god and Misa? When I lost my memories of being Kira the first time? When I began to work with L? When I killed Watari? When I betrayed L? Or was it when I was called as a…yes, that was it, my change of mind.

When I finally turned fifteen everything had turned so blurry. I know that something deep inside my subconscious had gone wrong and it had dulled my senses and my mind.

But I also know that regardless of how screwed up my mind had been and how much I had messed up in my past life, I have no one to blame but myself. I know that I took a wrong turn that sent me down a dark path that lead to my death. I know that I had died and had been in the void. Why in the world am I alive again? Why didn't L make sure that I was gone forever? The world's greatest detective didn't deserve his title; he didn't get rid of me for good.

I may have never taken a life with my bare hands, but I always felt it when I took someone's life with the Death Note. Now I know what I had felt back then, the feeling of someone's life in your hands: a living being that could had become someone if I hadn't stepped in to erase their life. I remember the power and the exhilaration from the act. It was like a drug to me; to kill without remorse is to feel like I'm above others.

I cursed myself as I thought about that candy-eating panda man. Why does everything have to revolve around Panda-chan? Why can't I just admit that L was an asshole? The truth is, I had betrayed the one person who had understood me: him. I had considered the older detective my best friend. I wonder if he exists in this reality.

I sighed and decided to get ready for the day; I showered to clean the blood from my face then donned a fresh change of clothes. Fortunately for me it was a Saturday, so I had the whole weekend to sort through my past memories.

Since we lived in a big manor, I opted to orb into the kitchen, badly startling my niisan and making him spill his orange juice on his pants. He gave me a short glare and complained that he had to change clothes again. I think that he was just a little mad because I startled him and because I have the ability to orb when he can't. The manor was big; it was going to take him some time to get to his room and come back for breakfast. I didn't mind one bit.

The rooms are old-fashioned, just like my big brother. I think that was the reason why we continued to live here after Dad died three years ago. The only good thing about the house was the big chimney; it warmed the house pretty quickly.

What a shocking turn my new life has taken. All three Death Note users now live together in almost perfect harmony as siblings. Sure we have a new life, but we didn't have the time to live it. My niisan Teru is 21 years old, and not only does he have to work to keep our family together but he has to fight evil as well. There's not enough time in the world for him to care for us while working as a lawyer—again—and to fight evil mythical beings that want to destroy the…never mind.

Then there is another shock in this new lifetime: Sayu is my older sister now. She's 21 and works in a restaurant as a cook. Misa-Misa is my next oldest oneechan and she's 18. She works as a model and I'm still surprised that we were able to cover up all of the supernatural happenings from the media. Unfortunately, she still lusts after me. I'm her little brother, yet she still wants me. She never makes any sense. The only thing she ever said that did make sense was that she thought she was being punished but didn't know why. I'm the only one that knows why Teru, Misa and I are being punished.

We have to face our punishments and nobody knows what we are going through. Nobody. Not even our white lighter. The constant fear of never being forgiven for past crimes haunts us. Teru might not acknowledge it but deep down in his dirtied soul he knows that we need to save as many as we had killed. Misa-Misa is the same to some extent. She wants redemption but, by the looks of things, she is willing to give it up just so she could touch me intimately.

In the meantime, I'm ashamed of myself. I let her get her physical comfort from me and I do anything she wants with my body. Teru and Sayu haven't noticed yet. I think that niisan's too overworked to notice that his youngest sister is getting physical indulgence from their little brother. Sayu still believes everything I tell her. How melodramatic I have become after a year of having visions. Now, all of the excruciating pain I had to endure from the visions and from Misa's harassment make more sense to me. I believe that I am suffering the most because I had been the mastermind of it all in our past lives and the three of us are working for our redemption by saving people. But, why is Sayu here?

I ate breakfast with Teru, Sayu and Misa. Sayu cooked breakfast for us like always: spicy eggs mixed with chicken, chopped tomato, onion and jalapenos. We have orange juice but I love my morning coffee more, even thought Sayu disagrees with my tastes. I think that Sayu is the only one who can manage to create a peaceful atmosphere while we're together. Sayu not only looks older but seems to be more in control now. She has matured in this life and helps Teru in keeping our family together. Teru works a little too hard though. In the past I had considered Sayu to be a nuisance, but now we are closer than we have ever been before.

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Sayu's POV

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I love to make my family happy, especially when I cook. I'm glad that this time I'm the one taking care of Light instead of the other way around. When I look at him now I still can't believe that my sweet little brother had been Kira in his previous life.

I can still remember the day that he was born. I already knew what was happening and what was going on with Mom. I still laugh at how un-cool and panicked my Dad had looked. It was his fourth child yet he still worried like it was his first. I had hoped so badly that this time my sweet little brother Light would come back to me.

I remember thinking about everything that I would teach Light back then and how I would change him for the better. I am changing him for the best. Now that he has visions, it's like he's trying to redeem himself. I just hope that he never gets any visions of his past life.

I think that I'm the only one that remembers our past. Fortunately, my parents and siblings don't remember anything. My parents had been blissfully ignorant of my brother's past life. When my father took me to see my newborn little brother I already knew who he was.

I know who he is right now; he is Light and I, Sayu, will protect him from harm. Well, I have already brewed up a potion to get rid of those pesky shinigamis, especially Ryuk. I know the truth now and I know that there are things out there that can hurt my brother, evil things like that nasty shinigami.

Since the first time that I saw my baby brother cocooned in a blanket in our mother's arms, I knew then that I was going to protect and guide him. No matter what he had done in our past life I still loved and cared for him. I was going to be the best sister that he has ever had.

Light was only three when our mother had just died of a disease. Misa and Teru like always looked impassive. The only ones aware of what had happened that night was little Light and I before dad came to us with the news. My baby brother had cried so sorrowfully in my embrace that night. I wiped his tears away and told him that I loved him and that I would be with him for as long as he needed me to hold his hand. After a while, he smiled at me then fell asleep. I have always felt comfort and warmth from his smile. Such a beautiful smile; it was something that he would give only to me and not to anyone else, not even Teru or Misa. For some reason, I don't like them much either.

The next time we had seen our father had been at Mom's funeral. Like we need dad now, some help he was when mom needed him. Teru and Misa stood besides him. They weren't hugging or even holding onto Dad; they just stood there. I held Light's hand and kept reassuring him that Mom was in a better place and that she would watch over us. I have to watch out for my baby brother, not just from the supernatural stuff, but from adoring fans when he gets older. I know this to be true because of past experience.

My baby brother thinks that I'm just being a mother hen. He's fifteen now and thinks that he's too old for me to coddle him. It's so cute when he tells me that he wants to look for a job and contribute to the family. I think that he's still too young for a job, but don't think that he's too old for me to baby him. I just worry that he might get mugged, kidnapped or, god forbid, something even worse. He doesn't know how shattered I would be if something were to happen to him again.

I can't help being a little overprotective. I have watched over him since he was born. He would always be my little baby brother but he has turned into such a handsome teen that I can't help but give him a mischievous grin. I will beat any of his adoring fans off with a stick if I have to.

I have always loved to look into his beautiful honey-colored eyes until he would tell me that I needed to find a boyfriend and that he wasn't a little kid anymore. He was now the one giving me advice in dating and I would think to myself: when did he grow up?

After breakfast Light asked, "Sayu, the best sister in the whole world, can I borrow the car?" Light gave me his sweetest voice yet. I already knew that he had band practice but I just couldn't help but let him plead for the car. He is still fifteen so he needs rules so that I can trust him with the car. Teru seems disinterested as always, but he just looks that way. In fact, he was the one who had taught Light how to drive.

Before handing him the keys I said, "Ok, Mister, there are only three things you need to know. The first thing is that you have to call me. The second is that you can only be out until nine, but if you want to stay out later, you have to call me before. The last one is that you have to keep your cell phone on at all times in case of an emergency." I gave him a stern look.

He agreed with my demands and left pretty quickly. I think that he left skid marks on the floor. This time around, I encourage my brother to have hobbies besides school work and demon hunting. I looked at Teru and Misa to check with them. Teru showed me his own cell phone and Misa looked half asleep.

If Misa had been more awake she would have argued that Light was too young to drive and that she hadn't gotten that privilege when she was fourteen. I know Misa and she is the most irresponsible person I have ever seen. I trust Light; he is responsible and knows his own limits. My little brother is even doing the pre-requisites for Brown College.

Teru interrupted my thoughts and asked if I could orb him near his job and Misa asked the same. I had work to do, but I complied anyway .They are my siblings and, as such, I have to help them.

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Light's POV

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Like always, I was running late for band practice when I noticed a black notebook in front of the porch. When I went to pick up the innocent looking notebook, I read the cover's simple white letters…No…it can't be…

This can't be happening to me. This has to be a horrible dream. I have changed. I'm saving innocent people and I have visions with mind-numbing headaches. As I held the retched thing, I began to get strange feelings from the black notebook. Who did these feelings belong to? I can't tell…sympathy, adoration, guilt, love?

Who did this notebook belong to? With the notebook still in my hands, I tried to figure out what to do with it. I thought about my past and sighed with wistfulness in how it felt to control somebody's life and how easy it had been to erase them from existence. I had felt such orgasmic desire back then, but now as I remembered everything that I had done my eyes filled with tears…

Why on earth do I have the same feelings as before? I feel so powerless when it comes to my emotions that I can't help but to feel aroused at the thought of killing again…I have to try and block these horrible feelings…I have been given a second chance and this time I would do things differently…this time I will change my future…Who or what gave me this second chance I don't know, but I do know that in this second chance…this new life…I am still holding…

A Death Note

T.B.C …