Author's Notes: Nothing belongs to me, well, actually, I just made my final payment on my car, so that's now mine.
There hasn't been much support for this story, but that's okay, I'm writing it anyway…:D
The shrill ring of the telephone in Don's office made them all jump; he answered it, spoke tersely and slammed down the receiver.
"Damn Sergeant wants to know if he can have a crew work overtime, like the budget's not tight enough!" he yelled, budgets being the least of his worries.
Olivia stood up and moved around the desk to her boss. She stretched her arms out and he stood and embraced her. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and she was, sorry for their shared loss, sorry for the loss of a good man, a good friend, sorry she couldn't think of anything more appropriate to say.
"I'm sorry too," Don whispered back, stroking her hair. "But this…" he pulled back, "is not going to get anything sorted. I think I'll make a start on those phone calls." He sat back down.
"Anything you want us to do?" Olivia asked.
"How about you two check on Fin and tell Casey?" Olivia nodded. She moved towards Elliot who was still staring out the window.
"El," she said gently, and stroked his arm.
"Yeah?" he replied startled, his mind had been a million miles away.
"Come here," she said, before taking him in a huge, comforting embrace. She rested her head on his shoulder and gently swayed. "You doing okay?" she whispered.
"Yeah. You?" he whispered, brushing her hair back.
"Yeah. Look we've got to go and see Fin and Casey. You up for it?" she asked, squeezing his hand.
"Yeah," he replied, keeping hold of her hand and leading her out into the bullpen.
The squad room suddenly took on a different appearance than it had fifteen minutes earlier; the walls seemed more faded, their cracks bigger and more unwieldy. The clock's barely audible ticks seemed to echo through the room and although there were several people scattered about it felt emptier than it had ever been.
Olivia quietly walked to Munch's desk; she picked up a pen, his pen, and rolled it between her fingers. It was the same pen he had held just yesterday and pointed at her, trying to win an argument. The same pen he had used to sign his name at the bottom of the report still sitting in the tray, probably the last time he had written his own name, the last time he made his mark. She shook her head to clear away the tears; this was not the time or the place to breakdown. She took the pen and placed it in her drawer. A ninety four cent pen would be her memento of him.
Meanwhile, Elliot looked for Fin, finding him on the roof.
"You okay, Fin?" he asked. He knew it was a stupid question, but could think of nothing else.
"I think so man…to tell you the truth I'm not to sure how I'm feeling. Numb, I guess. How are you guys?" he asked, putting Elliot and Olivia as one, something he always did.
"Much the same as you," Elliot sighed deeply. "Look, Don wants Liv and me to go tell Casey. After that what's say we pull a plug on work and spend the rest of the day at the bar?"
"What about the job? There was a new case in this morning that Munch…" he stopped, the name itself bringing tears to his eyes. "That we were supposed to be on."
"Captain can call in relief. What do you say?" Elliot asked.
Fin nodded.
Half an hour later, Elliot and Olivia were seated in Casey's office awaiting her imminent arrival from court. The verdict in her latest case had been handed down earlier; she'd won and was very pleased with herself. Her self-satisfied smile lasted from the court room to the moment she opened her door and saw her friends sitting in silence.
Casey looked from one to the other and they looked at her, no one quite daring to speak. She bit down on her bottom lip, trying to keep her composure, this was bad news, the silence was speaking volumes.
"Who's going to tell me?" she finally asked, her voice calm and even, belying the somersaults of her stomach.
Olivia stood and went to her. "Come and sit," she said, leading her to a chair.
"Well?" Casey prompted, holding onto Olivia's hand. "It's John, isn't it?"
Elliot nodded, surprised at her picking it instantly. "Oh God!" Tears began to fall unrelentingly.
Olivia wrapped her arms around her sobbing friend and tried to soothe her but nothing was helping. Just as quickly as she started, she stopped.
"How? When?" Casey asked, wiping her face.
"Heart attack, this morning," Elliot said softly.
"Oh," she replied before quietly sobbing again. Elliot went to get her a bottle of water from the break room fridge.
Olivia passed her the box of Kleenex from her desk and sat beside her.
"I'm really sorry, Case," she said, brushing Casey's hair back. "I know how much you loved him, really loved him." Casey nodded, tears bubbling over again. "And I know it's been difficult for you two having a relationship for the past few months which no one else knew about." She nodded again. "But you know we're here for you. The guys don't know, unless Munch told them, but we are all here for you, okay?"
Elliot stood in the doorway staggered by the conversation. He now knew why John Munch had had a spring in his step lately, why Casey had made more than her usual number of visits to the precinct and why she knew the moment she saw Olivia's face, it was John. He remained standing there, telling himself he did not want to interrupt their conversation. The truth was he didn't want to go in until he had his own emotions under control. Having a secret love was very close to home, losing that love would devastate him. Losing his partner would devastate him. But in his case it was one in the same person and if he ever lost Olivia, his life would not be worth living. The tears glistening in his eyes were for her, and her alone. He loved her so much it hurt, he couldn't imagine how Casey would deal with losing the one she loved so much.
An hour later, Fin, Casey, Elliot and Olivia sat in a booth in the back of the bar, a near empty pitcher of beer sat in the middle of the table, their glasses filled. Excess suds dripped down the jug and onto the worn wooden table, Olivia stared as little pools formed, around the base. Elliot watched her intently, her pain was evident but she was dealing with it the way she dealt with any pain, she was ignoring it. Casey sat between Olivia and Fin, playing with the napkin in her hands. She had shredded a quarter of it before she picked up her beer and drank it steadily.
"Whoa, Case," said Fin, taking the glass away. "We've got all day to drink, slow down." Casey gave him half a smile and leant back against the leather seat. It was going to be a bloody long day.
She rested her head against Fin's shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her, drawing her closer. He knew she had been more than friends with his partner, he had never been explicitly told but he knew. Olivia looked at Elliot and he wrapped his arm around her, she shuffled along the seat to be closer to him. She felt his lips on her head and she sighed before picking up her glass and downing the remnants. Nothing more was said.
Don walked in twenty minutes later, ordered another pitcher for the table and soda water for himself. He sat down next to Elliot and looked at the faces of his colleagues and friends. He filled their glasses and then raised his own.
"This is for you, John, goodbye friend." He raised his glass and the others followed likewise. After a few minutes of silence, he continued. "Now, I've been in contact with John's lawyer and it seems he had stipulated a few things about his …um…his final wishes."
"What did he want?" asked Elliot, looking at his boss' troubled face.
"Nothing! The lawyer was specifically instructed that John wanted his body cremated and ashes scattered in private –no viewing, no service, no memorial, nothing."
Casey sighed and shook her head. "No, he can't have it like that."
"They're his last wishes, Case, we should respect them," Olivia said quietly.
"No!" Casey looked her friend in the eye. "None of us have actually seen him dead have we?" Olivia shook her head. "So, how do we know it's true? Huh? How do we know he's not gone undercover or into Witness Protection or…" She searched Olivia's face for any sign of agreement or support, it wasn't forthcoming.
"Casey, I saw him," Don said, looking across at her. "When these two went to see you, I went to the hospital. It was him. Doctor said it was a major myocardial infarction and the autopsy would confirm this."
"Autopsy?" echoed Casey. "You're going to let them cut him open?" Disdain in her voice.
"Have to, Case, you know that, right?" Olivia said. Casey nodded slightly. She didn't like it but she did understand. She grabbed her glass and drank it dry.
The day wore on, minutes felt like hours, hours seemed endless and the beer flowed until Casey threw up over the floor, not quite making it to the bathroom. Olivia took her into the bathroom and washed her friend's face.
"Casey, I'm going to take you home, okay?" She phrased it as a question but it was a statement.
"No, Liv, I don't want to go home," Casey replied softly. She didn't want to walk into her apartment, the same one she and John had spent the entire weekend in. She didn't want to see his shirts hanging in her cupboard or smell his aftershave. Most of all she didn't want to sleep in the bed where they had spent their weekend without sleeping. "Please Liv, I can't."
"Okay Case, you can come home with me." Olivia took her friend's hand and led her back to the booth.
"Guys, I'm going to take Casey home…to my place," she said, picking up her jacket. "Do you want me to take you home?" Elliot asked, standing up before helping Casey on with her jacket.
"Thanks," Olivia smiled. "We'll be fine. Why don't you…" her voice trailed off but she nodded in Fin's direction.
"Yeah, okay," Elliot said. "Call me if you need me for anything?"
"Same?" she replied. He nodded.
Olivia put on her jacket as Casey said goodbye to Elliot, she moved over to Fin and kissed his cheek.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow, Fin," she said, hugging him tightly.
"Yeah, okay, Liv," he muttered, he was beyond thinking about today and tomorrow, his thoughts were drowning in beer and in the past. She moved past Casey and back to Elliot. There were no words to say goodbye to him, nothing she could think of would express what she was truly feeling. She took in a deep breath then released it in a big sigh.
Elliot sensed her troubles and wrapped her in his arms. She reciprocated and held onto him. She clasped tighter, held him closer than ever before in their relationship. She knew it was longer than it should be, more intense than they were permitted but at this point she didn't care. Finally she began to break away and to her surprise realised Elliot was still holding her tightly, he wasn't prepared to let her go, not just yet.
Olivia reached up and kissed his cheek. "Call me later, please?"
It was such a simple phrase but it was laden with quiet desperation and sorrow. He kissed her forehead before releasing her. "I will."
