As usual,I do not own Jar Jar Binks .Or Star Wars .Or Shakespeare(which I confess to be a last minute idea to include his quote) .Or anything besides the plot .


It was a bright,cheery,summer day .Birds were singing,the sun was warm,and Gungans were walking behind a massive force field .The ground trembled and shook as the foul beasts ruined our idyllic countryside scene .In front of the row was Bombad General Binks(a living example of the low intelligence of Gungans in general),leading the 'army' forwards .They stopped .

Over the hills,an entire column of droid tanks appeared .Floating down,racks of folded somethings came out ...

General Binks eyes widened .His heartbeat accelerated .His ears flapped like wings .His pinprick of grey matter "absorbed" the information and processed it .His brain(does it count?) sent a message to his overlarge mouth .He screamed"ROASTY TURNKEYS! ! !MEESA LUVU ROASTY TURNKEYS! ! !"

For yes,my esteemed readers, Jar Jar Binks brain observed drooping heads,folded limbs,hung-on-rack bodies and interpreted it as hundreds of roasted turkeys .Binks salivated .His brain said "Go !Eat them all and don't give a fucking damn about anyone! !" .Binks happily obliged .

Tearing forward as fast as he could,screaming "Meesa wanto turnkeys",the general leaped at the racks of turkeys .

Which is when they suddenly started TRANSFORMING !

Legs unfolded...

Arms unfolded...

Head unfolded...

Gungan general pounces...

To smash into rows upon rows of battle-droids .

"Not turnkeys?",wept Jar Jar Binks as if a child who suddenly found out all his candies were shit .

"What is this?",asked Battle Droid 1 in a nasally voice .

"I don't know .Someone forgot to program the dictionary .",said Battle Droid 2 in an identical voice .

"Fuck that,BLAST HIM!",said Battle Droid 3 .

The others turned to it ."Where in the name of Luke Skywalkers fucking panties did you know how to swear?',they asked .

"Master of Macabre 13 taught me .",answered battle Droid 3 .

A crumbling noise was heard .

"AHHHHHHHH! ! ! !",They screamed as the Fourth Wall fell down and crushed them .

The noise of the wall crumbling caught the rest of the armies attention .

"BLAST HIM! ! !",yelled a battle droid ."Roger,roger"s went up the entire column . They aimed at the sobbing gungan,who was lamenting about the loss of his turkeys .

"O roast turkey,roast turkey !wherefore art thou roast turkey?"Jar Jar sobbed .He then calmed down .Fishing a sun-bleached turkey skull from his pocket,he said,"Alas,roast turkey!I knew him once,battle droids,a dish of infinite palatableness ,of most excellent sapor .He hath fed my stomach a thousand times,and now how divine in my imagination he is !My appetite rises at it .Here once hung flesh I have devoured I not know how oft .Where be your titillating aroma ? Your delectable taste ? Your piquant sauce ? Your prevalence at a feast,that were wont to set the table on a roar ?Not one now,to mock your own grinning ?Quite cadaverous you are .Now get you to General Grievouss chamber,and tell him,let him droid or man,to your flavour he must come;entertain him with that ."

The battle droids had paused staring at Jar Jar Binks .Liquid coolant leaked from their cameras as they clapped incessantly ."Bravo",one yelled ."Best speech ever!",screamed another ."Want roast turkey",said one,who had inexplicably developed an appetite .Jar Jar put down the skull and bowed to the applause .

Then,Jar Jar Binks suddenly recognized the nature of his audience ."MEESA HATE BATTO DROIDO! ! !MEESA FWIGHTENED! ! !",He screamed .

The droids snapped back to their original cold-blooded mode ."BLAST HIM! ! !",they yelled ."Roger,rogers permeated the ranks once again .They aimed their blasters and fired at the fleeing gungan .

The blaster rounds tore into Jar Jar Binks burning tunnels through his flesh .Blood pooled out,only to cauterize at the bolts heat .Screaming,Jar Jar Binks rolled over and over on the grass in a futile attempt to quell the horrible searing pain .Blaster shots peppered the grass,setting it alight .The Gungan howled as the orange flames licked his flesh,skin peeling back and charring to reveal white-and-red fat and muscle .A smell as if grilling steak filled the air,blaster rounds streaking around,deceptively beautiful .Jar Jar screamed .He was unrecognizable .His skin had all charred away,save for a few black patches .Torn flesh hung off him,and his innards flopped on the floor,tangling him .With a pain filled screech,Jar Jar yanked away his organs,and ran .Cries of "Meesa Hurts!"filled the air(definitely music to our ears) .Weakened by exhaustion,pain,and evident lack of organs,Jar Jar keeled onto the floor .His breathing was laboured,his stomach was a blackened cavern,his head a burnt skull,yet Death refused to ease his suffering .

A droid walked to him .With cold metal hands,it yanked away slivers of charred flesh which ripped of with a sound similar to tearing newspapers .Jar Jar struggled weakly .A metal fist to the head was all he got .The droid,angered at the roach-like resilience the gungan seemed to have,yet unwilling to lost its bet that it could kill the gungan with its bare hands(the reward was an extra cup of engine oil),opted to attack the brain .Pacing around the (extremely) slowly dying gungan it checked its archive for the easiest route to the brain .

Ah,yes .

The eyes .

Even though gungans have stalked eyes,the hole in which the optic nerve reaches the brain would be a great start .

Internally grimacing at the prospect of rusty fingers,the droid proceeded to sever the eye .


Pain .

A sea of Pain .

That was Bomrad General Jar Jar Binks world .It was as if every nerve in his body was coated in napalm .The sheer blackness of unconsciousness threatened to overwhelm him . He welcomed it,no,begged it to consume him,the way a tribal sacrifice would call for the gods to take him .But they wouldn't .It was the same routine-cold clammy tendrils of darkness would rise and grip him,an onyx mist would seem to consuming,dragging him down to the dark depths of tranquil oblivion .Yet a sea of red,burning pain would surge in as if a flaming tsunami,burning away the darkness, and white-hot agony would flare like lightning .Pain beyond pain it was .He longed to scream,yet his throat had been burnt to a blackened pipe .Then the tendrils would renew their struggle to wrest control over his body .

Meesa beg you,pliz kill meesa .

It couldn't possibly get any worse

He was wrong ,dreadfully wrong .


The droid dug into an eye,crushing the optic nerve into a pulp,forcing the eyeball into the tiny dark hole .It was no easy task .The eye felt like an oyster with a malleable yet tough ball inside .Every time he pushed,the eye itself would slip past its fingertip,and not unlike a suction cup,the folds of soft muscle beside it would suck his finger,until a particularly hard pull would separate it with a sickening squelch .All the time,the gungans mouth worked silently,as if laughing .But who in their right mind would laugh when their eye was being crushed into their skull ? The gungans teeth crushed his tongue,which resembled a pile of ground beef .The drone internally sighed (why in the hell did it take on this blasted dare)and renewed its efforts .


As cold and biting as a winter gale,something dug into his consciousness .For a while,it was a welcome relief,for it numbed the pain .But soon,the ice became a fire of its own .The ice was worse than the burning agony he experienced .Like a freezing explorer, he longed for the flames to come back .So what if he burnt ?Anything,anything was better than this frozen hell .

Under the ice,Jar Jar could feel his mind going...wrong .

The blocks of ice changed into Death ,grinned at him,as if a clown from a park .Clowns were funny,so funny .The scythe was funny ,the marks of lives being reaped imprinted on the blade .Even Death himself had to sharpen his blade .Hilarious .

His cloak was funny ,with the faces of a thousand damned souls etched on it .

Death tore at his flesh .Who knew the sound of flesh tearing was like paper? So funny !

Death yanked at his eye,which spun around into his head,to see into his blackened brain .Eye gymnastics,HAH!

It was a safe,the brain is .

It was the Safe .

Death cant exist if there is no brain,no consciousness to wipe out,so if there is no brain,he is safe .So,it was like a trick safe .Still a safe .

SAFE!

Meesa is immortal !

But meesa is dying!

So funny !Common sense was supposed to be logic,yet they both contradicted each other !

Yet Jar Jar Binks sanity still remained .As if a broken man,it did nothing except chant to itself,its weak signal jammed by the gungans insane ramblings .

But when the ramblings briefly paused,when he teetered on the fine line between the calm pond of sanity and the stormy ocean of insanity,Jar Jar chanted,in his rare moments of utter linguistic sophistication,at high speed,as if to redeem himself from his crime of butchering the English tongue .

The words were always the same .

Death, death; oh, amiable, lovely death!
Come, grin on me, and I will think thou smilest.


The droid threw a tantrum,flinging its blaster onto the ground .Its efforts were futile .The gungans crushed eye clogged the hole,and his brain was so small,it escaped all of its scans .With a resigned huff,it gave up ."Fuck the engine oil!I'm gonna blow his fucking head off!",it swore(carefully skirting the topic of a certain fan fiction writer in fear of being crushed) .Picking up his blaster,the droid aimed it at the gungans head .


Like a morning spring breeze,the lack of torture melted the ice .Sanity returned in the form of a subdued sea of red-hot pain .Compared to the ice,this was bliss . Tentatively,he opened his remaining eye .To the dark barrel of an E-5 blaster .

Relief flooded through him .Finally,Death came to rescue him .But even as these cheerful thoughts flooded his mind,Fire and Ice surged simutaniously to threaten to drag him into their possession again .

Air wheezed out of his charred ,punctures lungs into his blackened throat,a feat only possible by sheer willpower .

In a raspy voice,he said his last words

''I am a tainted wether of the flock, Meetest for death; the weakest kind of fruit Drops earliest to the ground, and so let me. You cannot better be employ'd, Battle Droid,Than to live still, and write mine epitaph.''

At least that was what he wanted to say .

What came out was ...

"MEESA SOILDO MEESA PANTIES ! ! !"


In a single second that seemed an eternity,the droids soulless cameras stared into Jar Jars pain-filled ones .The droids finger tightened on the trigger .


The Tibbanna canister released some of its gas into the Xciter .Electricity crackled,flowing smoothly from the power pack into an actuating module .Blinding green light and crackling blue electricity issued from the formerly colourless gas .Passing into the actuating module,the result shot forwards like a rocket,slipping past a prismatic crystal .The gas was instantly transformed into a crackling green bolt of death .

Jar Jar Binks closed his eye as the bolt of green energy rushed along the barrel in to the air .A green flash,a rushing noise,and it was over .


Jar Jar Binks mutilated carcass thudded onto the ground,blood spilling onto the grass,bright scarlet against brilliant green .A mist clung to the air,the suns rays shining through it,as if light through a veil .Birds sang and pink flowers floated onto his corpse .

Strange how beauty and death are intertwined together .

Yes,so funny .


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