DISCLAIMER

All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(The living room, late in the afternoon; RICK is walking around between the tv and the couch, MIKE is reading the paper in a chair, and VYVYAN is on the couch, looking pale and holding a bucket close to his mouth.)

RICK

(pensively) Starvation…star…straw…strawberry…str…

MIKE

Rick! I'm trying to read the paper!

RICK

Well, I'm trying to free-form!

VYVYAN

You're making me free-vomit! (retches into his bucket)

RICK

Well, you shouldn't have eaten that tennis ball, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

It was an apple!

RICK

No, it wasn't!

VYVYAN

Yes, it was! Look! (sticks his hand into the bucket, reveals an apple core covered in green slime and throws it angrily into RICK's face) Alright?!

RICK

(rubbing the slime from his face) Oh, yes, so it was, haha!

(NEIL comes through the back door with a box in his hands.)

NEIL

Okay, guys…I've found a few things we might be able to eat…

MIKE

Well done, Neil. What have you got?

NEIL

(sits down on the couch next to VYVYAN, who throws up all over his trousers) Oh wow, Vyv, that's really heavy. Are you alright, man?

VYVYAN

(gasping) Apart from the violent vomiting, I feel absolutely peachy.

NEIL

Oh, cool. Well, look, guys…this is what I found, right? (puts the contents of the box on the table) A dead crow that I found on the window sill outside, some yellow moss from the garden, something covered in sand that looks like an old flower bulb, some grass and a jar filled with creepy crawlies I found swimming about in an old bucket full of rainwater.

(Close-up of the creepy crawlies swimming in the jar.)

CRAWLY I

Ewww, look! Students!

CRAWLY II

Oh, yuck! They give me the creeps!

VYVYAN

Sounds great! (vomits into the bucket again)

RICK

(looking very reluctant) So this is our meal for tonight?

MIKE

Now come on, Rick, Neil has done his best. If you have a better idea, I'd be very pleased to hear it. Now, Neil, what do you think you could make out of these ingredients?

NEIL

Well, I thought I'd do, like, insect soup for starters, right? And then I'd fry up the crow for the main course, you know, with a grass and flower bulb salad, and we could have the moss as a dessert.

MIKE

You know, Neil, that doesn't even sound that bad.

NEIL

You really think so, Mike?

MIKE

No, not really, Neil, but it'll have to do.

RICK

Well, I'm not eating that crow! I'm a vegetarian, and I thought you were too, Neil!

(VYVYAN throws up again.)

NEIL

Now listen, Rick, don't be all heavy and uncool on me, man. Besides, that crow was already dead, so I think it's safe for us to eat it…

MIKE

I'm not so sure about that, Neil.

NEIL

Being vegetarians, I mean. Only we need someone to pluck it, guys, because I can't do that, it's too cruel and heavy, you know.

VYVYAN

(wiping his mouth on his sleeve and looking a lot less ill) I'll do it! (grabs the crow and starts plucking eagerly)

NEIL

Oh, thanks, Vyv!

VYVYAN

My pleasure!

(About an hour later; RICK, VYVYAN and MIKE are sitting around the dining table, and NEIL is serving the food.)

NEIL

(putting a pan down on the table) Right, guys, here's the soup. I made a broth from one half of the creepy crawlies, and I, like, fried the other half and put them in for nourishment, you know.

MIKE

lifting the lid of the pan) Well, Neil, it looks…

RICK

…absolutely revolting!

NEIL

(ladling the soup onto their plates) Oh, come on, guys! You have to try it first!

VYVYAN

(impaling a large brown lump with his fork) What's this, then?

NEIL

That's a cockroach, Vyv.

VYVYAN

Oh! (takes a bite with a loud grinding sound) Crunchy!

(They all start eating reluctantly, except for VYVYAN, who seems to be actually enjoying it.)

MIKE

Well, at least we have something to eat.

NEIL

Yeah, and they're all really healthy things as well, you know.

RICK

(wide-eyed) Ah! Ah! Ah!

MIKE

What's wrong, Rick?

RICK

I think that leech I just ate wasn't quite dead yet!

NEIL

Oh, Rick, sorry man! Let's move on to the main course, then. (puts the pan back on the cooker and puts another pan and a salad bowl on the table)

VYVYAN

(burps contently) So what's next?

NEIL

(putting the food on their plates) Well, this is the fried crow, and this is the grass and flower bulb salad, dressed with some rain water.

(They all start eating again.)

RICK

Neil?

NEIL

Yeah?

RICK

How long had this crow been lying on the window sill when you found it?

NEIL

Oh, I don't know. I do remember I saw it when we had a garden party for your brithday last year…

MIKE

Neil, that was two years ago!

NEIL

Oh, right.

VYVYAN

(still eating enthusiastically) Yeah, I thought it was a bit whiffy when I was plucking it. But you just have to think about it like game, you know. They say pheasants also taste nicer when they've been lying about for some time.

MIKE

Yeah, but not for two years, Vyv.

NEIL

Oh, there's a centipede in my salad, guys. I'm not eating that.

VYVYAN

Give it here, then! (grabs the centipede from NEIL's plate and puts it in his mouth) Very nice!

MIKE

Let's move on to the dessert, Neil.

(NEIL hands out bits of yellow moss.)

RICK

(nibbling reluctantly) Maybe it is better to starve to death…

MIKE

(putting his moss on his plate) You might be right there, Rick.

NEIL

(also putting the moss away) Yeah, sorry it wasn't much of a a success, guys.

VYVYAN

(scoffing down everyone's moss; to the camera) I don't know what they're talking about, you know. (suddenly stops eating, his face turns green)

NEIL

Oh no, man, uncool!

(VYVYAN throws up on the table, the end credits start, RICK and MIKE leave to watch tv, while NEIL rushes to clean everything up and VYVYAN continues to throw up all over the kitchen.)

THE END