Chapter 2
1
"Helloooo, gorgeous."
"Somebody with stamina."
"Tony? Tony? Pipe that feed in here now."
All the network executives watched Arnold Schwarzenegger run majestically in slow motion. Danny tried to watch the film even though he's seen it at least half a dozen times already. Nicholas had dozed off during Eraser and wasn't watching either.
Danny had a lot of DVDs, and had spent many a night watching them alone. He had almost a couple hundred, a good deal of them bought after he moved back to Sandford. Either because of repeated viewing, or that time in his life after Mum passed away, the films he had watched had stuck in his brain and stayed there. Six years later, things were sad and confusing again, except that Nicholas was with him, even if he did sleep through half the films. Nicholas sleeping on the couch made his flat even cozier than it really was.
And Nick's leg was pressed against his, all smooth and toned, and disturbing Danny with its "thereness", but he didn't want to pull away. Somehow, he always managed to wander into Nick's orbit and stay there. And it was hard to ignore Nick all relaxed and spread out on the couch, his legs widely parted and face tilted towards Danny.
"Take a look at this. This is yesterday's prison break. Look at that mother move, huh? Isn't he beautiful? Who is he?"
Danny sighed, watching Nick longer than was appropriate, leaning more against him than was appropriate, getting closer to his face than was appropriate.
"Sensational! Perfect contestant! I want him."
"Can't have him."
That's when Nick suddenly screamed, which had the effect of repelling Danny like a physical force.
"AHHHHH!"
"AHHHHH," yelled Danny, and rocked back all the way to the other end of the couch, and then fell off the couch all together. He stared up at Nick in total shock while he limply fought off something invisible.
"BEES!"
"Bees?!?"
Nicholas then went back to sleep just as suddenly as he screamed, leaving Danny to just stare in wonder. What the hell was that? Just when he thought he'd seen all of his mate's peculiar ticks…
Danny picked himself off the floor, feeling a little foolish, and shook Nicholas on the shoulder. Great bloody tease sleeping on his couch and screaming for no particular reason at all! Bees?!?
"OY! Wake up! C'mon!"
Nicholas came slowly around, blurry eyed and confused. Fully deserved it he did, scaring Danny like that. He rubbed his face with a hand and looked up at Danny, a bit stunned to find someone standing over him.
"What?"
"If you're going to sleep through the entire film anyway," Danny scowled, arms crossed over his chest, "you might as well go home."
Nicholas scowled too, "Alriiight," had trouble getting up off the couch. Danny sat back down on the couch and watched him leave. They didn't do any of the usual good nights, just Nick leaving in a huff. And afterwards Danny was alone in his flat again, pissed off and sexually frustrated in a way only Nicholas Angel could make him.
2
Nicholas hadn't come by his flat that morning but managed to corner him at Danny's desk, looking very much the part of the concerned friend. Danny focused on the computer screen as much as humanly possible.
"I realize you're frustrated, but you need to consider your health."
Danny sighed loudly and continued to type up his report.
"I'm sorry, I appreciate your concern, psychotic as it may be, but I've got more pressing shit to do than exercise."
"Like what? Play World of War Craft and surf the internet?"
"And porn," Danny added helpfully.
"Well as important as that is, I think you can dedicate an hour to healthy living. Come on, go jogging with me."
"No."
"It adds years to your life and—"
"Can't live forever," Danny shrugged, looked up from his report. He can't be any clearer about it. "You're bossy as hell, you know that? Thank god for that ass."
"Yes…well…," Nick's deadpan expression faltered and he let out a small laugh. Danny laughed too, but much longer and more uneasily than Nick.
"Perhaps I can convince you some other way?"
"Oh yeah? It had better be absolutely brilliant then."
"If I can't appeal to your logos," Nicholas sighed, pulled up a chair, "then I'll try pathos. Now I don't like talking about it, but I'm going to tell you about my Uncle David."
"Oh lord…"
"Uncle David was passionate about life, but indulged too much with everything. He ate and drank in excess for decades, and ended up having a massive coronary in the bathroom. And that wasn't the worse part. Since he was unemployed at the time and lived alone, he wasn't discovered until three weeks later partially eaten by his German Shepard."
Danny stared at him, mouth open. "Are you making this up?"
"Well…okay, he wasn't so much my Uncle, as some other bloke."
"Who?"
"I don't remember," Nicholas shrugged, "but if you make me find you partially eaten by dogs I'm going to be very upset with you."
"I don't own a dog. My landlord won't let me have one."
"That's beside the point."
"Yeeeaah…Okay. Thanks for that lovely story, but still no."
Nicholas sighed, "Please?"
3
Danny crawled out of bed, put on some sweats, and managed to make it out into the street. It was the first time he was ready to go before Nicholas got there, which was really saying something about a man who was always in a hurry to be somewhere. Danny hiked up a leg against the bumper of his car and did some deep stretches, jumped around a bit, still no Nicholas until 6:45.
If music were to play while Danny ran, it would be the Monty Python song they do during the chase scenes. He was the most awkward runner he'd even seen. He got all red in the face and probably looked like he was having a stroke. If music were to play while Nick ran, it'd be Chariots of Fire. Or the T-1000 theme, Danny couldn't decide. Either way, Danny could easily picture his friend running across a beach somewhere.
"Hey," Nick called out, looking pleased. He came to a stop, slightly flushed and sweaty from his run. "Sorry I'm late. Are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, I guess..."
"That's the spirit."
They started a light jog, foot steps falling in synch with each other. Danny couldn't be sure if he was being sarcastic or trying really, really hard to be optimistic. Either way, Danny was going along with it for reasons he couldn't explain.
Well, no, not really. He knew why.
Even when he was being a complete pain in the ass, Danny didn't like disappointing Nick. Danny just wished he didn't ask for so much. He didn't get that "second wind" people talk about, that magically gave them energy. All he got was tired for the rest of the day and into the next, spending the rest of it in custody processing D&Ds telling him to get cancer and die. It was not fucking worth it.
But Nicholas has a way of convincing people to do things they didn't want to do, and afterwards you're still upset even though you actually agreed to do it because there's no escape from that patient, excruciatingly logical tone. He needed to somehow outmaneuver Nicholas, if he was going to have any chance to be right.
"You know," Danny said casually, "I was reading something about running being bad for your knees. And I quite like the use of my knees."
"It depends on the surface you're running on. Try running on the grass instead." Nicholas seemed to consider this and frowned, "Are your knees bothering you right now?"
Actually they weren't right now, but after getting the shin splints last week, Danny had decided he'd had enough of this running about. After a short debate between being macho and wanting to complain, complaining finally won out.
"Yes. There's whole lot more of me to carry around than there is of you, in case you haven't noticed."
"We'd better stop then," Nick came to a halt. Success! "I wouldn't want to cripple you."
"Well thanks, Nick. I wouldn't want you to cripple me either."
Nicholas' frown deepened, "Then what would you like to do? Keeping in mind it actually has raise your heart rate."
Bollocks. Danny shrugged, non-committal, although he could think of a hundred things he'd rather be doing. Yanking down Nick's shorts and tenderly pounding that ass of his certainly comes to mind. Danny's been staring at it enough for the past few weeks, to be sure. It was like dangling a carrot in front of a very stubborn mule.
"How about we go to the gym instead," Nicholas asked.
4
Danny hated going to the gym. They had to go all the way to Buford Abby since the good people of Sandford decided they didn't need one. And when they got there, usually in the evening, it stunk in there. The free weight area especially. Danny could swear he smelled diarrhea one night and gagged, opting to stay off the benches altogether.
People who go to gyms were a curious lot. You could always manage to find certain types. Mr. Inconsiderate Sweaty Guy, for instance. Danny had hopped on a bike one night, but it was a bit wobbly so he moved to the next available one. He started his workout listening to his ipod and watching the news silently, when he felt like he was being sprayed. He looked over and not only was Mr. Sweaty Guy sweating, but it was literally pouring out of him and landing on Danny. Danny toweled himself off in disgust and decided to find something else to do, when Sweaty Guy finished and finally pissed off. But he had left sweat all over the seat, handlebars, and the bleedin' floor, even with paper towels and cleaning solution just a few feet away. Looking at it, Danny wondered if he could still get a refund. It was any wonder ducks weren't swimming in it, or swans for that matter.
"Bloody heathen," Danny muttered.
And God help you if you asked for a fan around here. There were always plenty of fans over by the treadmills. Danny wondered what made the treadmill people so much more important than everyone else, but didn't take one, thinking it might be rude to alter their climate. The gym had been positively stifling when he asked the old man at the desk for one.
"Listen, mate, it's really hot in here, can I bring a fan over," Danny pointed over by the cycles. Gruff Old Man just stared at him, and Danny got the impression he'd met Bob's soul mate. He was certain they'd have loads to talk about if they didn't think conversations were a waste of time.
"Yes, I mind," Old Man said, and proceeded to mutter at length about people who wanted to be cool while they exercised. "Honestly, what is wrong with these people? Yer supposed ta' be hot when ya work out."
"Um, hi? I'm standing right here."
"Still?"
Nicholas liked the pool and managed to convince Danny to try a few laps. He never did it again, having realized it was a lot harder than it looked. He could actually run more miles than he could swim them, anyhow.
He decided to brave the weight room another day and watched a really muscular bloke lifting weights. He grunted the whole time, just like every bloke over here, but the sheer gayness of it all didn't appear to occur to anybody. If you're practically screaming, Danny would think people would come to the conclusion that the weight was too heavy and stop. It's what he would do, but that was probably why he was flabby and they weren't. Danny would choose flab over ripping his arms out of their sockets any day.
Nicholas wandered over and gave him a friendly poke.
"Never mind that, I have something better for us to do."
"Are we going home?"
"No," Nick scowled. "I signed us up for water aerobics and you might actually enjoy yourself, if you changed your attitude."
Danny sighed to himself as quietly as possible. He just wasn't a gym person, didn't want to be a gym person, was determined never to be one, and resented being dragged all the way over here after work. Clearly Nicholas didn't care that Danny wasn't having a good time.
As it turned out, water aerobics wasn't bad. Danny had to admit it, and kind of enjoyed it, until a painfully skinny woman named Amanda joined the class. The class was an hour long, but she still managed to talk through the whole thing. And she honed in on Nicholas like a tractor beam.
"So what do you do for a living, Mr. Angel?"
"I'm a police officer," Nicholas gestured towards Danny. "Danny is a sergeant in the Service as well."
"Oh, wow. I have a great respect for policemen, myself."
"Officers," Danny grumbled, but he might as well have been invisible, quite an accomplishment for a big fat guy in orange swim trunks. Danny did not like the way her eyes roved or her cloying tone of voice.
"I thought about joining the force for a while, but I just wasn't brave enough. It seems way too dangerous."
Yes, very, there might be a strong wind to blow you away, Danny thought, sniggering to himself.
"Well...," Nicholas cleared his throat, "Statistically speaking the fatality rate is comparable to other occupations, but it's more likely to be the result of a collision than a gun or knife."
"Never mind that we've been stabbed and shot," Danny added, "and had a building fall on us, after being shot. I suspect we'll be run over next."
"…Um…Yes...I don't mean to say the job doesn't involve taking risks."
"Well I certainly appreciate what you do," Amanda said.
Oh puh-lease. What's that Run-DMC song again? Let me think…
Danny had to resist telling her to back the hell off, club Nicholas over the head, and drag him into a cave. Nicholas was not allowed to talk to, flirt with, or date anybody until Danny was properly over him, whether he realized it or not.
Amanda spent the rest of the class doing the usual stuff girls do; Smiling, eye-lash batting, soft giggling, even while cycling underwater. It was impressive, really. Nicholas, being Nicholas, remained impervious to all manner of compliments. Thick as a brick, that one, but Amanda was determined and pulled Danny aside afterwards.
"Your friend…Is he seeing anyone?"
"No," Danny frowned, and didn't bother to hide his displeasure. He' wasn't even sure why he was being honest and wished he had lied instead, but it was Nick's business, not Danny's. It was best not to forget that. Danny did not have exclusive rights to Nicholas, and if Nick wanted to date Skeletor, well, he could do it.
Genital warts, he thought later. I should've totally said that.
On the way home that night, he was still very much in a bad mood. Danny might not like it, but eventually Nick was going to start dating again. That was the long and the short of it. Nicholas had more than his fair share of female admirers and not just the bitch from the gym either. Simply being a single man in a village as small as Sandford guaranteed their curiosity. Single man with a decent job made him worth pursuing. Single hero cop who saves villages and was nice to look at? Forget about it. Every single woman in town wanted to know what was in the Inspector's pants and being Nick's best friend, some of them went to Danny asking, "Is he seeing anyone?" And Danny would have to say no, no, he was not.
