A/N: Thanks for all the support you guys. I promise every time my phone buzzes in my pants when I get an email telling me someone alerted my story I do a little happy dance. Just to make things a bit more clear I would just like to say that this takes place after Mockingjay, but with a different ending. Well onto the first chapter my lovelies.
Disclaimer: I do not own the hunger games. If I did I wouldn't have spent the week after finishing Mockingjay locked up in my room crying.
Chapter one
I woke to the sound of quiet singing. It was dark and the little television by the front of the room caught my attention. I watched for a couple of moments listening to the song. It was beautiful, nothing short of genius and sooner than later I found myself singing along. That was when I noticed it. The person on the television was singing to a small child lying in a bed of flowers.
I didn't even recognize myself on the screen. For all I knew everything I saw on the television was a lie lies that use the faces and voices of the dead to deceive me. That version of me died along with the games, with the rebellion. She does not exist any longer.
The more I watched the angrier I became and soon I found my self screaming into the screen. I was screaming for all it was worth and soon I couldn't take it anymore. I took the knife from my night table and aimed it right between the eyes of Katniss Everdeen.
"Deep in the meadow is where I buried everyone I loved and it's all because of you." I threw the knife with all my might and the television shut off with a shuddering zap.
Feeling too restless for anymore sleep, I decided to get a head start on my training. I stripped off my pajamas and put on a pair of pants and a comfortable long sleeve t-shirt. I walked to the side of my bed and laced up my boots. Double knotting the laces because I can. I smiled down at the sight for a second and then mentally slapped myself for remembering.
Remembering the dead is stupid it only makes you weak. This was what I learned from my years of punishment. It's better to kill and forget. Don't dwell on what could have been because it can't be anymore. I've become numb or at least I try to believe I had, but they're working on that. The capitol doctors are working hard to make sure I won't have to feel, won't have to remember, won't have a chance to say no to the dreaded things they make me do.
I walked over to the bathroom connected to my room and washed the sleep off my face. Then I braided my hair back in its place down my shoulder. The cool water felt good on my warm skin. I walked over to the other side of the room all intentions of ignoring the tall lengthy mirror by the faucet, but today it caught me.
I stood I front of the mirror while placing my weapons on the belts on my body. I slipped my arrows in my quiver, slung my bow over my shoulders, slide the knives into the belt at my waist, and placed a couple of daggers in the belt between my thighs.
I glared at my reflection. I hated how I looked. It reminded me of who I am and how I will never really be able to forget what I had done. The capitol may do all the memory erasing and tampering, but I will never forget these scars on my body. Each imperfection too grand even for the capitol to erase. Each scar brings a story with it from beginning to end, because with each scar a story of death is sure to follow.
I lift up my shirt and trace over the little bumps that cover my body, forming a makeshift puzzle of my skin from head to toe. The patches of skin no longer red, but still as gruesome. I brought my hands down my body when I finally reach the dip in my skin at the left hip. Many would say that this was the most grotesque scar yet, with a noticeable gap from where my flesh should have been and the ragged teeth marks still visible. It's long healed, but it remains a brilliant shade of red.
My opinion on this matter is rather quite different. Although I have many scars gained from my physical hardships to show for like the multiple gashes, bruises, and gaps in my body. Only one scar manages to haunt me day and night. It may not have been from my missions or my torture certainly not from my games because those were erased long ago. The scars form my second games and some from the rebellion were erased before the capitol took me and tortured me. I mean who would want to rape a girl covered in scars from head to toe?
The scars from my torture mean nothing to me, well not anymore. They took those away too. I was actually pretty surprised at first. Some of the things they did to harm me would have killed me. I was for sure that they would leave the grossest scars, but it was during my torment when I receive the second worst scar. And Snow himself granted me this torture. He decided that he would be the person to take my virginity.
He won. He broke me and my will to live and to fight. I could take physical pain, but the fact that the one last thing I thought would have been mine to share with my love was so easily taken broke me. And this scar could never be erased not even with all their fancy medical equipment. After Snow did the deed he made sure I was always reminded of what I could never have. I would never have the will to control who takes my love. He sent different people every night and they would have their way with me. I would scream and shout for hours. The sound ten times worse than when they would cut the skin off of my body. I felt dirty, worthless, and broken. They broke me in two and I'll never be able to fix myself. And the worst part was that Snow enjoyed himself. He fed off of my body and my screams and pleas gave him everything he wanted. He made sure to visit me once a day.
I pulled my shirt down my body and tried so very hard to forget the awful feeling of his hot breath on my skin. My whole body shuddered involuntarily. Snow loved when my body did this and the reminder made my body do it all again. I looked back up to my face and she stared right back at me. She was the worst scar, because I could never get rid of her no matter what. And I couldn't hide her and keep her out of my sight. I could feel everything she felt remember everything she can. The worst part is when she kills. When she gets to her victims and spills their blood she feels happy. A happiness that could only be compared to the happiness Snow receives when he hears me crying out for him to stop. It's sick, twisted, and all kinds of disgusting. It is her and she is me. Death would have been a blessing, but Snow would not grant me a blessing.
Instead he made me kill. I remember when he made me kill something so innocent. It almost killed me. No. It did kill me, but I would not be granted death, because she would not allow it. I had murdered little Finnick Jr. and his precious mother Annie for her and Snow's enjoyment. And I had let them rot with the others in my meadow without even so much as a thought to do otherwise. I am monster and I hate myself. I hate her. And I hate Snow.
I ran outside the sight of my own body too much for me to handle. "I need to forget. I need to forget." I said over and over to myself in hushed whispers. I ran to the kitchen and some Avox handed me an apple. I bit into the glossy red sphere, but an odd though of bloodied food crosses my mind and I loose my appetite. I threw the apple on the floor.
I ran as far away as I dared. I ran all the way through out the training center. My legs aching for the over exertion and my mind foggy from lack of oxygen, but I would rather be left hazy than to have a clear memory of my past life. I'm not for the districts anymore. Every one I love is dead or will be dead and they can't hurt me more than they already have. I smile slightly at the thought. After today I wouldn't have to worry about killing any one I love anymore. The capitol will make sure of that. Today, as an act of mercy they will kill me. Well not my being. If that makes any sense? But today any traces of who Katniss Everdeen the girl on fire was will be destroyed. The last pathetic memories of her past life gone with her rational fierce loving self. She will finally be able to take over. The blood thirsty monster clawing at me to let her take over. I know I'm a selfish coward, but I want it to end. Honestly, truly, madly I want to forget and be gone. May it be a selfish act, but it will be my last selfish act.
I know I'm trying to deceive my self, because deep down I do know that the only reason why I so easily allowed Snow to do this was so that I didn't have to face Peeta and kill him with her own hands. It was too much. Kill her it would, but not only would it kill her it would break everything she knew to be real. And the one last thing she knows to be real will die too. Peeta's love for her will certainly die along with him. And she couldn't bear to watch when it happens. Selfish as it may be, it was my last wish. And I want to die knowing that he still loves me.
I make my way to the training room and throw around a couple of knives. Shiny red apples scattered all across the room making a wide range of targets. I scan the room memorizing each apple's placement. Then I close my eyes and take a couple knives in my hand. One. Two. Three. Just as I'm about to let the last knife fly through my hands I hear a blood curdling scream. My eyes fly open instantly and I twist my arm up at the last second. It grazes her forehead and draws blood. The woman falls to the ground holding her bloodied face and sobs. "Dammit Leah! Why would you walk in here when I'm training?" She just sobs and sobs and sobs. "Ughh! What do you want?" I scream at her. She hands me a bloody note. Then runs away from me as fast as she can in her ridiculous shoes. I just stand and smile at how silly she looks. "Come on now. It's just a scratch." I snort out. I can still hear her sobbing. I feel something remotely close to guilt, but when I feel my self about to apologize I hear her horrid shoes clicking in the distance and this is enough to bring me back to my senses. "Stupid Capitol whore" I shout out hoping she can hear me.
I look down at the bloody note in my hands. It is printed in pretty frilly paper. I only notice how out of place my bloody scared hands look against it. I read the words after smearing some blood out of the way.
"Katniss Everdeen please report to the medical room. Procedures begin in one hour."
