[ch 2] the mysterious plasmid
'hey jack,' tj the godless sack of shit said, shaking the farm boy from his daze. 'you alright?'
jack realized that he had been unconscious face-down on the floor. a few minutes ago he thought he had been sitting up smoking weed with his new friends. How had he been out? He looked around, realizing that they were no longer in the studio, but in a frozen tundra. But the strangest thing about the situation was that he wasn't even cold.
'Don't worry, the magic weed'll keep us warm.' said scotty in his nasally voice, handing jack a doobie.
'need a lighter?' asked the fat neckbeard paul's ego who was vaping because he was a faggot. jack declined, instead using incinerate! to light the joint. he took a long inhale of that sweet weed before exhaling ring shaped puffs of smoke.
'fuck that's good.' he said, feeling a lot warmer and a lot happier with lungs full of weed. he looked around before asking the peasants where they were.
'fuck if i know' said the masked stoner ben, 'think it's skyrim.'
'cool.' jack replied, 'played skyrim before. fuckin' sucked.'
'hey, that's a good game!' paul exclaimed going full fanboy mode. he was actually just butthurt because his waifu dragonborn zega the skooma addict was made in skyrim.
'yeah, for faggots.' jack said before being punched in the face, hitting the snow covered ground with a loud thud. it took him a few seconds to register that paul just socked him.
he was about lunge at the neckbeard and beat his ass when he noticed a piece of paper on the ground. he picked it up and examined it, realizing it was a letter. the five looked at each other before jack read it aloud:
'hey jack wynand, remember me? you might want to, because i have your boyfriend winnie the pooh. if you ever want to see him again, you're going to bring me several thousand kg of skooma. i'm giving you until the end of last seed. if you don't have my skooma by then, i'll roll your lover into a joint and smoke him. this is your only warning.
-the doobie king'
the peasants looked at jack with equal shock as the farmboy stared slackjawed at the message.
'well, fuck!' he exclaimed after a few minutes.
'who the fuck's "the doobie king"?' asked the tj the godless sack of shit.
'he's some asshole who's butthurt because i shot a bunch of rpgs at his face.' shrugged jack. 'he smokes a lot of weed, so i figured he'd forget about it.'
'wait... he has weed?' asked ben enthusiastically.
'guess so,' replied jack 'he is the doobie king.'
'holy shit!' he exclaimed gleefully. 'let's get that skooma!'
'but where the hell are we gonna get skooma?' asked tj's retarded brother scotty, 'that shit's not even a real drug.'
'neither am i so stfu' said jack
'and not to mention we're in skyrim, retard.' said paul 'there's bound to be skooma somewhere.'
and that's when the five stoners began their journey across the glitchy, mountainous landscape of skyrim. it's a shame they don't really know where to go to find skooma, since they're too stoned out of they're minds. ben hoped they didn't run into a troll or something like that. he made sure to remember to push tj in front of it and run in case that happens. a thought crossed jack's mind as they crossed the bridge to riften.
'hey how did we get here, btw.' he asked
'fuck if i know' said tj, 'i'm too high to remember. i think we gave each other some of that plasmid. that felt fucking awesome.'
'aw shit.' exclaimed jack 'i didn't know i still had that shit on me.'
'HA-HAHAHAHAHA!' said ben
jack noticed that paul wasn't doing any of the magic weed.
'r u cold?'
'nah.' the fat fuck replied nonchalantly, 'i have enough fat to keep me warm.'
'ok'
then a mugger came with a knife and said 'give me your wallet!'
'ok' said scotty, handing over his wallet because he was a retard. tj smacked him in the face.
'dumbass' he said
'i got it' said jack as he took out his gun and shot the mugger in the face several times. the asshole's head exploded as his limp body slumped to the floor. the peasants were still too high to care.
'get your fucking wallet, retard.' said paul as scotty picked his shit up. he started crying because he was a little bitch.
as they made their way to riften, ben laughed like a retard for no reason. at the gates of the lake town riften aka not-esgoroth, a guard ordered them to halt. paul rolled his eyes in disgust. during his days of playing skyrim, he always was forced to halt by city guards. that's why he sometimes stabbed them and ran away, usually ending up being killed by the rest of the guard since he was too much of a fat fuck to run without having to rest. he told himself to remember to roll away next time.
the hold guard's eyes scanned them over before telling them, 'sorry, west gate's closed. you'll have to use the north gate.'
'why' asked jack
'does it matter?' he gruffly replied, 'don't like it head to another city.'
'don't worry, I'll handle this.' said paul, moving the farm boy with his fat ass arms. he stared at the guard before asking with puppy dog eyes, 'can't u make an exception? pwitty pwease?'
'wow, someone's a little faggot.' chuckled the guard.
'ok' paul said before the stoners left to the north gate.
'halt' ordered another guard with an even more retarded accent. 'before i let you in, you'll have to pay the "visitor's tax".'
'why?' the stoners asked
'for the privilege of entering the muh fucking city.' he replied
'this is obviously a shakedown.' piped up scotty but was unable to convince the guard because he, being the autistic retard that he is, had a low speech skill
'here, i'll handle this.' said ben with a mischievious grin as he pushed scotty out of the way.
'oh shit, your fucked now.' tj remarked as ben took off his gay ass luchador mask.
'DON'T LOOK!' tj shouted before shielding the other peasants with his fat ass gut. the guard shrieked in horror as he brought his hands to his face before taking out his gun and an heroing.
ben giggled sick-fuckley as he put his mask back on.
'wow you're a dick' said jack before using the 'resurrect' console command to bring the the guard back to life. but ben didn't give a fuck.
before they entered riften, a dragon attacked.
'rowr' said the dragon.
ben then removed his mask again and exposed his fugly mug. the dragon screamed and took out its gun and an heroed. it's corpse hit the ground with a loud thud before being reduced to a large skeleton as a whirling stream magic flowed into scotty.
the nasally voiced retard stared wtfilly at what just occured. everyone else stared with an equal wtf face.
'by the gods, you took its very soul!' a guard exclaimed
'huh?' asked scoopy retardedly.
'could it be? are the legends true?' another guard asked
'i have no idea what's going on.' tj said
'HAHAHAHAHA!' ben laughed again
'wtf is going on?' jack asked
'why does it have to be scotty?' asked paul
'wtf' asked scotty
'the legends are true!' said the guard 'you are dragonborn!'
a/n GREAT GOD THAT WAS EXCITING! sorry for not updating sooner i've been busy with shit in my life. my sister Astrid was just gang raped by muslim migrants and i've just been dealing with that. i'll update more often tho ggggggggg.
-valter
a/n OH MY GOD IT'S NOT RAPE IF A MUSLIM DOES IT YOU CIS HET WHILE MALE PIECE OF SHIT!
-astrid
