This actually started not long after the last chapter, so I'm still in a vein of funny. Still own nothing. Character bashing continues for humor's sake. Hope this is up to scratch.
Chapter 2
Jecht was on crutches for the next fortnight, forcing him to lie on the couch and have Golbez cook for him and give him sponge baths.
"This is degrading…" Jecht grumbled as Golbez spoon-fed him, still wearing his flowery apron he always cooked in.
"As long as you're injured, this too is destiny," the ebony-armored neutral guy replied.
Meanwhile, in Chaos's office, aka the Edge of Chaos.
"What have I told you about letting your rage get the better of you outside of battle?" the slow-voiced God of Discord scolded slowly while he continued never going to a dentist.
"But they wrecked the vending machine!" Garland objected. "I put my own money into that!"
"KNOW DESPAIR!" Chaos shouted randomly. "And be gone." he added, pointing to the "exit", for lack of a better word. Grumbling, Garland trudged out as quietly as a guy in a full plate could, which, as it turned out, wasn't very.
Kefka was bouncing moodily down the hall, heading to the kitchen for his usual breakfast of highly sweetened coffee and 99% sugar cereal when he crashed into Kuja of all people.
"Watch where you're going, you untalented buffoon!" the monkey-mage snapped in his typical, haughty manner.
"I'm not in the mood!" the crooked clown retorted hotly. It was never wise to bother him before he could get back on his sugar high.
"Talk to the hand!" Kuja replied in an arrogant fashion, holding up his hand in Kefka's face for emphasis. Enraged, Kefka bit the pale flesh of the smooth, well-lotioned hands, causing the mage to scream and jump backwards. "You horrid little brat!" he shouted, firing several balls in Kefka's general direction. FOOMP! A katana suddenly appeared in front of the clown and blocked the attack.
"Can we not be destroying the building more already?" Sephiroth said, coming into view about a minute later, by which time his sword had speared most of the stuff in the kitchen. "Uh, oh…"
"Does your stupidity know no end?" Gabranth asked in his snotty british way as he approached to assess the damage.
"You ignorant…" Sephiroth grumbled, dematerializing his blade and leaving a hole through most of the kitchen appliances. Just then, Golbez decided to show up. Upon seeing the mess, he felt faint.
"Guide my inner shadow…" and, with that, he fell to the floor with a loud clunk that shook the entire building, causing Exdeath to slip and fall in the shower. Of course, that raises the question of how a suit of armor is showering in the first place, but I digress…
Mateus and CoD just happened to show up at this point. The former took one glance around and said what everyone expected him to say, for he said it every morning, it seemed.
"Something go awry?"
Meanwhile, at Cosmos HQ, aka the random castle that had been built in Order's Sanctuary…
"That is precisely my mission," Warrior of Light said grimly, attempting to get just the right amount of browning on his toast.
"Look, WoL, it's not that important," Firion attempted to explain, to no avail.
"He doesn't think much, does he?" Onion Knight commented to Squall, who was sullenly munching a hot dog.
"Whatever," the SeeD replied without averting his gaze from the table, which he was slouched over.
"Burn," Cloud commented, earning a glare from OK.
"Can we please not fight?" Terra asked, seeing the EX Gauges starting to fill already at 9 in the morning.
"Fight…just like my old man…" Tidus muttered, switching on his CD player and listening to the saddest songs of Final Fantasy while emoing.
"You need to lighten up," Zidane commented, looking worried.
"Yeah! Every day is a new adventure!" Bartz commented, dressed as homo as he was every day. If it weren't for his face, maybe he could get away with it…
No, I mustn't think like that. WoL thought as he sat down with his unsatisfactory toast that was a shade too light for him. All I must do is be a little too nice to Cosmos, get my crystal, and kick some Chaos booty.
"Ahh! Good morning, everyone!" Cecil said cheerily, walking in fresh from the shower.
"Look who's up late!" Firion said jokingly.
"I didn't sleep well last night," Cloud interjected unbidden.
"You never do," OK replied in a snooty fashion.
"Why you…" Cloud began to slowly, seriously, and determinedly reach across the table, fully intending to slowly, seriously, and determinedly strangle the pre-teen and dispose of his corpse in a slow, serious, and determined manner with a few slow, serious, and determined pulses of the garbage disposal. Fortunately, WoL chose this moment to get up and make a loud announcement.
"That settles it! We're having a big party to make the Chaos gang jealous!" everyone gave him an odd look, as no one had been saying anything to him, thus making this comment unbidden.
After a few good Flare spells to the face, Golbez was actually more comatose than ever.
"I told you it wouldn't work…" Sephiroth muttered grumpily from the wall he was leaning on in his I-don't-care-about-crap fashion.
"Well, t'wasn't my design," Mateus grumbled as a bruised Exdeath (don't ask me how) and a fiercely complaining Kuja chucked the iron man on another couch, crushing it.
"I'm not telling Garland about that," Kefka noted. The others agreed quickly.
"Tell Garland what?!" Garland asked sternly, walking into the kitchen from the other door.
"How much we love Garland!" Ultimecia interjected randomly, giving the walking full plate a hug. Everyone stared in a WTH way and Ultimecia did let go quickly and Garland did take a step back and look awkwardly at her (though the armor makes it hard to tell).
"Okay, then…" he turned around. "I'm going to go for a walk, and, when I come back, I want breakfast to be ready and everyone to be talking about something else," With that, he ran off.
"Nice save, Ulti," Jecht said with his whiskey voice, limping in on his crutches. "Can I eat at the "big boy's table" today, since girly-armor-man is down for the count?"
"Certainly," Mateus replied. "But who will cook breakfast now?"
"Me! Me!" Kefka jumped up and down.
"No!" Kuja objected. "You'll destroy everything, untalented jester!"
"I'm not in the mood!" the clown retorted mechanically.
"I'll cook! Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath volunteered.
"Hell, no!" everyone shouted.
"Point taken," Exdeath muttered, sitting down dejectedly on his super-reinforced chair at the super-reinforced table.
"Well, then. That just leaves Mr. Wonderful," Ultimecia commented. The other men broke out snickering while Mateus, his pale cheeks fighting a slight blush, gave them all a glare.
"Yes, that is a good idea," CoD agreed.
"This is barely amusing…" The Emperor muttered unhappily as Garland, who had returned, who was still laughing, handed him one of Golbez's flowery aprons. Wearing this would be less of an adequate diversion, bordering on absolutely humiliating. He glanced down at his shiny outfit. But I'll have to polish my armor again if- His thoughts were interrupted by Kefka eating a bowl of cereal and bouncing around the room shouting about how he was cuckoo for it.
15 minutes later…
"Make sure the eggs are sunny side up," Jecht reminded him.
"And the toast can't get too brown or it'll burn," Garland added.
"Don't scorch my crepes!" Kuja whined.
"Mwa, ha, ha!" Exdeath added.
"Silence, pitiful insects!" Mateus snapped as he attempted to cook 9 breakfasts at once.
20 minutes later…
"The delivery guy is here," CoD called as she paid him and took the food to the dining room.
"Good," Golbez said as he finished cleaning up the mess and dressing the burns on Mateus, Jecht, and Ultimecia.
"I now have learned my limits," Mateus said quietly, in a slightly pained fashion, to Golbez. "Alas, we are not equals in the fields of cooking and housekeeping," Golbez put a hand on his shoulder.
"The faint-hearted have no place in the kitchen here," he consoled, passing out the sausage and egg biscuits to the others as they showed up in their own ways.
"By the way," Garland commented as he sat down in a super-reinforced chair. "I overheard Zidane and Bartz talking about a Cosmos Gang party whilst they frolicked through the flowers.
"Can't get any gayer than that…" Jecht commented with his mouth full, making the others avert their gaze and resist retching.
"That settles it," Kuja floated up into the air in self-important excitement. "We'll go crash that party and I'll beat the crap out of that monkey, Zidane! Just allow me to go fetch my script and we'll go over the melody and finalé!"
"Not a chance, Kuja," everyone said in unison. Kuja flew off to his room to pout.
"Incidentally," Mateus interjected after a moment. "Why were you in the field of flowers in the Rift?"
"Oh, look at the time! Gotta go pick on WoL some more!" Garland proclaimed, making an exit, albeit an exceedingly noisy one, stage right. Mateus chuckled.
"That was quite the performance,"
Funny stuff. Remember to review and may the light shine forever upon that light-obsessed knight that obviously has a thing for Cosmos.
