Act II, Scene 1

PUCK: Hey baby. Got a minute?

FAIRY: No.

PUCK: Well, anyway, Oberon's mad at Titania, and so everybody is scared. And hiding in acorns.

FAIRY: …good for them.

PUCK: Oh, look! Here they come!

FAIRY: See an acorn anywhere?

OBERON: Titania, I hate you.

TITANIA: Oberon, I hate you.

OBERON: All I want is the stupid kid!

TITANIA: NEVER! His mother was my BFF 4-EV-R, and we, were, like, gossip sisters.

OBERON: Well, that kind of sucks for everybody else, then.

TITANIA: Because we make natural disasters and page long speeches.

OBERON: Oh, yes. Beware the page long speeches.

TITANIA: Cue rain.

OBERON: Cue thunderstorm.

TITANIA: Oooh, pretty! Bye.

OBERON: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS INSULT, EVER! SHE CALLED MY THUNDERSTORM OF DOOM PRETTY! C'mere, Pucky.

PUCK: (warily) Are you quite done?

OBERON: Bring me that flower. You know, that one flower that I saw Cupid shoot that one time when there was a mermaid singing on a dolphin's back?

PUCK: Are you drunk?

OBERON: Yes.

PUCK: What flower was it again?

OBERON: That one called 'plot-device.'

PUCK: Oh, yes. That one. Well, off I go.

OBERON: Oooh, here come some people! Eavesdropping time! I will become conveniently invisible.

ENTER HELENA AND DEMETRIUS

DEMETRIUS: Where the $#&! did Hermia go with that rascal, Lizardface!

HELENA: Demetrius! Beat me! Whip me! Rape me!

DEMETRIUS: …whatever floats your boat, lady. HERMIA HERMIA HERMIA!

HELENA: Can I be your dog?

DEMETRIUS: …I'm allergic.

HELENA: I think she went that way.

DEMETRIUS: Shut up, pooch.

OBERON: Isn't Puck back yet?

PUCK: Gollum!

OBERON: What's that?

PUCK: Nothing. I got the 'plot-device' flower.

OBERON: Good. Now go find some dude, taller than a flower but shorter than a tree. He's wearing clothes.

PUCK: Thanks for the specific instructions.

OBERON: You're welcome.

Act II, Scene 2

TITANIA: Sing me something.

FAIRIES: Rain, rain, go away

Come again another day

And flood the rivers and kill the sheep

And make all the good things sleep

So living beings rot to the core

And we'll sing this song no more.

TITANIA: That was lovely. I sleep now.

OBERON: I squeeze flower juice on your eyes. Fall in love with something gross.

TITANIA: 'kay.

ENTER HERMIA AND LYSANDER.

HERMIA: I'm tired.

LYSANDER: Sleep a little closer.

HERMIA: Here?

LYSANDER: Closer.

HERMIA: Close enough?

LYSANDER: Not quite.

HERMIA: How about now?

LYSANDER: Okay, now let's have sex.

HERMIA: Wait till we're married.

LYSANDER: Damn it.

PUCK ENTERS.

PUCK: Okay. Taller than a flower, shorter than a tree. Wearing clothes. Must be the one. A lady. Because nobody else could be in this wood. Not that Oberon heard them talking about anyone else. Okay. Good. Off we go, to make some more stupid mistakes and get in trouble. It's a good life. Right? Right.

HELENA AND DEMETRIUS ENTER.

HELENA: I'm tired.

DEMETRIUS: Good. Stay here. (leaves)

HELENA: Damn it, I thought he would let me come with him.

LYSANDER: (waking) Helena! I never before realized how hot and gorgeous you are! Kiss! Hug! Sex!

HELENA: Oh. My. God. Lysander. Hermia? Remember Hermia? The lady you're eloping with?

LYSANDER: HELENA HELENA HELENA!

HELENA: I hate all of you. You're making fun of me. Bye. (leaves)

LYSANDER: Ew, it's Hermia. COME BACK, HELENA! (runs off)

HELENA: Aw, crap. Lysander is sleepwalking again. Better go find him. (leaves)

Fin Act II.