Now, waking up in strange room, with no idea where the hell you are and dressed in only your boxer shorts meant you had the hell of night.

But waking up in a strange room, with no idea where the hell you are and dressed in only your boxer shorts, with a woman straddling your hips meant something serious went down.

…...

"Temari"

…...

"Yes"

…...

"What are you doing?"

"What am I doing?"

"Yes...You"

She smirks leaning over him suggestively

"Don't you remember?"

He frowns trying to be impassive... but failing.

"No...especially why I can't feel my hands" He looks down momentarily "Why is that and what is this burning sensation?"

"So you really don't remember huh?" She smirks playfully

"No, But-"

"No buts, ifs or what's, if you can no longer remember the situation then I am no longer obligated to sit here" She says unpeeling herself off him quickly.

"Sit being the operative word..." He mutters half halfheartedly to himself

"Yours hands will recover in 4 to 6 days" She drawls deadpan, in response, walking towards the edge of the bed.

"That's nice...Wait what?"

"I'll have you escorted off the premises as soon as you jump at that far left window" She gestures with her elbow "From there a trusted ally will lead you into the woods using a handy compass and after about four miles in turn north west to the red river."

She looks at him and he doesn't speak so she continues.

"Travel down this river until you reach a cave. Do not be fooled by the people of the West! , this cave will have a map, this map will have a-

"Are you fucking with me?" He finally interrupts astonished and confused by whatever the hell she was talking about.

"Depends what you mean.." She smirks suggestively

-KA-THUMP-

"Crap" Temari hisses quietly to herself, her tone becoming deadly serious as she hears the noise coming from three stairways below.

"What's that?" Shikamaru asks nervously craning his neck

"Gaara" she replies "He can't see us...or rather see you like that..."

"Understandable" He mutters looking down at his bare chest. And the fact he is on Temari's bed.

"I will leave with you, this way they cannot kill-... I mean so that you will be safe." She smiles sheepishly

She starts gathering up her stuff from the wardrobes and stuffing them into random bags.

"Oi" He asks loudly but she quickly abandons her bags and runs over to him to clamp her hand firmly and tightly over his mouth.

"Shut your mouth, Idiot" She whispers into his ear and despite the serious nature of her tone he can't stop the ripples of pleasure that circulates around his body.

Seeing that shikamaru is in a quiet state again she abandons him and begins to cram more illegible items into the bag.

"…."

"You know with you I am never under the impression that I am safe" He mutters slowly

"Ok "She nods satisfied with the packing of her bags. "For the next four to six days I will become your hands!" She smiles encouragingly, happily ignoring his last comment.

"Never say that again" he shudders

"You get the idea" She says not really listening.

He sighs and finally tries to take the situation into his own (or rather lack of) hands

"Look why don't you just tell me-"

"No time, now tell me how to put your goddamn trousers on.

...

To this there were no objections.

The shirt however

"You know this an arm hole right...not a head hole...OW...what the HELL, Stop it; it WON'T fit!"

"Yes. It WILL!" She says through clenched teeth, ignoring Shikamaru's muffled screams as she tries to force his head through.

-KA-THUMP-

No TIME! She exclaims abandoning the process and instead grabbing the back of the him and thrusting him forcefully out of the window.

"Ahhhhhh... what the hell!" He screams through mid-air, closing his eyes as he sees the drop below him.

He opens his eyes and is not met with his unfortunate death (he is five floors up of course)

But is met with a very heavy steel fan pressing against his cheek.

Which needless to say is painful.

But tolerable.

"Ow..." He grumbles annoyed that he can't rub or move his cheek properly, without the use of his hands.

So his back is still half the air ...and his head still half sticking out of the armhole of his shirt.

Downward dog position.

She jumps onto the fan herself, landing enviously on her shins, dropping her bags on the fan delicately.

"Ok" she nods reassuringly to herself again, before licking her thumb and checking the direction of the wind.

"I've saved up enough chakra, so back to Konoha I guess..."

She sighs, obviously annoyed that Shikamaru can't trek all the way back that she planned.

Now it's time for Shikamaru to sigh

"We don't live there anymore"

"But the leaflet..."

"You went in my pockets!" He half exclaims, annoyed with practically anything he doesn't know by this point

Which is a lot.

She chuckles

"...So where to...?" She drawls ignoring the way Shikamaru is glaring at her

"The red light district in the Lighting village" He grumbles

She nods and Shikamaru: Tired, and unable to move at this point tells her one single thing before dozing off into a deep sleep.

"I need to pee"

...

"Oh, hell no"

I am notyour hands.

(3

A/N: (:P )= 3

(3

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