Puzzles of the Heart

Thanks for reading and for the kind reviews. Here's Part 2…Go Sturgis!

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of the characters. I just take them out and play with them on occasion before replacing them safe and sound back on the shelf.

Part 2/3

Wednesday

October 29, 2003

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Sturgis stood outside his friend's apartment preparing his game plan for the night. It had taken him 3 days to track Harm down, and another 2 days to schedule a night of friendly basketball competition. He figured if he could distract Harm with physical exercise; he might have a chance to catch him off guard. Those off-the-cuff answers were more likely to reflect the true state of his emotions than the introspective ramblings of a lawyer on guard.

He rapped twice on the door and waited for it to open. Harm appeared a few seconds later with a gym bag in hand and 2 bottles of water. "Ready to get beat," came Harm's spirited reply.

Sturgis raised a brow, "By who…surely you don't mean you." He smiled at his friend, "Good to see you, Buddy. It's been a while…you should try and stay in touch; everyone's been asking about you."

Harm shrugged his shoulders, "Didn't know anyone would care."

Sturgis threw him an irritated glare, "Come on man…you know everybody cares. Bud's been beside himself with worry. We all saw you on television, the great Harmon Rabb does the impossible once again."

Harm sighed, "Yeah, tell it to the company…they canned me for that little exploit. Not the actual landing, but the getting my face on the news…like it was my fault. Guess I'll be pounding the pavement looking for work again."

Sturgis saw a slight opening, "Maybe you could talk to the Admiral about coming back to JAG."

Harm laughed, "Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Besides, there are people there that I'd just as soon not see again."

Sturgis raised a brow, "Anyone specific…like say a certain marine colonel?"

Harm pursed his lips and exhaled, "I don't wanna talk about her, Sturgis. Let's go play some b-ball; I feel like wiping the floor with you."

They headed to the gym and Harm began giving Sturgis a hard time even before they could finish the warm-up. Sturgis remained quiet and circumspect, answering only when necessary. Harm easily won the first few points as planned by his opponent. Once Harm's mind was firmly planted in the game, Sturgis began to execute his carefully constructed battle plan.

"So Harm, have you heard from Mac?"

Harm missed an easy 2-point lay-up. "I thought I said, I didn't wanna talk about her." He threw the ball back to his friend with more intensity than was necessary.

Sturgis made an easy basket against his distracted buddy. "I just can't figure out what went wrong down there. I mean you're both miserable, but neither one of you wants to admit it or make amends…right? Mac hasn't called to apologize or check in?"

"She might have left a couple of messages, but I've been busy. I really haven't talked to anyone from JAG but you." Harm missed another basket and released a frustrated sigh.

Sturgis easily outmaneuvered his opponent and made a lay-up. "So your old friends don't matter to you. Now that you're with the company, you cut all ties with the old guard. I would have thought you would have at least stayed in contact with your best friend."

Harm missed another shot as his sense of ire increased, "I did…I'm playing ball with you aren't I?"

Sturgis shook his head, "Yeah, but I'm not your best friend…Mac is, your refusal to talk to her is more like a…lover scorned than a busy friend."

Harm tried to block the next shot, but failed miserably. "Look Sturgis, I'm warning you…let it go."

Sturgis passed off the ball and responded with a raised brow, "What's the big deal? It's not like the two of you have ever been involved, right…at least, that's what you and Mac keep telling me."

Harm glared back, "I threw my career away to go down there and rescue her. She didn't even care…I saved her from certain death, for Webb of all people. All I got out of the deal was a dent in my savings account and a lecture from the Admiral about not being a team player and wrestling alligators."

Sturgis frowned, "You say, you rescued her from certain death…would you have rather stayed home, kept your job and attended her funeral?"

Harm looked back aghast, "OF COURSE NOT…I'd do it again in a heartbeat to make sure she was safe…job or no job."

Sturgis hid a satisfied smile, "So what's the problem, you accomplished your objective. She's home safe and sound."

Harm grumbled to himself in a low voice, "Yeah, with Webb."

Sturgis turned toward him, "What was that?"

Harm shrugged, "Nothing, I didn't say anything. Now, are we gonna play ball or what?"

Sturgis threw the ball at his friend, "Sure, your shot. I just have one question? If you went down there to play the conquering hero and come home with the girl; how come you're not with her?"

Harm missed another shot, "That's the $54,000 question. How come I lay it on the line and the jerk that put her life in jeopardy, ends up winning her heart?"

Sturgis pulled back the ball and flashed a smug smile, "So, you did go down there to rescue the fair damsel and win her heart. I thought you and Mac weren't involved like that?"

Harm growled, "Are you gonna shoot? And Mac and I aren't involved like that…never have been…and now it looks like we never will be. She told me NEVER, remember?"

Sturgis sunk a long 3-pointer and tossed the ball back across court, "Tell me again how that happened? You say you rescued her from certain death, right?"

"She was strapped to a table and about to be tortured. I had to kill several terrorists just to get to her. I broke into that shed and shot the guy who was about to light her up with battery cables," Harm answered matter-of-factly.

Sturgis's eyes grew wide, "So, you release her, pull her into your arms, tell her you love her…and she just walks away. What a…."

Harm yelled back, "Hey, watch what you call her…and no, I didn't take her into my arms or tell her I love her."

Sturgis looked away and smiled triumphantly; he had him on the ropes. "Well, what did you do? I mean you told her…you were glad she was alive…you cared about her…something, right?"

Harm sighed, "Look, we were still in danger; Webb needed urgent medical care; Mac and I had to figure out how to neutralize the Stinger missiles. I didn't have time for any of that other…."

"Emotions…reassurances…relief…love. Good grief, Mac must have thought you were just there on another mission. I bet you didn't even tell her, you'd resigned your commission." Harm looked away. "You didn't…how the heck was she supposed to know? I'll bet you even started bickering and fighting, business as usual."

"Hey, she gave as good as she got."

Sturgis shook his head in disbelieve, "I'm sure she did…let's look at it from her perspective." He began to count off on his fingers, "She's captured…she sees and hears Webb being tortured…she's about to meet certain death herself…and when the man, she cares about most, comes to her rescue, he acts annoyed and angry. Gee, I don't know why she said it would never work out between the two of you?"

"Hey, I went down there didn't I? I risked my life and lost my job?"

Sturgis paced determinedly toward Harm, "Tell me this…before she said NEVER, did she ask you why you did it? Did she try to work things out between the two of you?"

Harm diverted his eyes, "Yeah…and I told her, I thought 'she knew why' I did it…and I 'tabled further discussion' at the time, because I thought we needed to cool off…to have level heads, before things got too deep."

Sturgis poked his finger into his friend's chest, "Answer this one question, do you love her?" Harm looked down to floor, before giving the barest of a nod yes. Sturgis shook his head, "Then why didn't you tell her that…forget telling her, why didn't you take her in your arms…hell, kiss her, anything?"

Harm grabbed the basketball and headed for the door, never glancing back toward his friend. Sturgis grabbed the rest of their gear and followed a few steps behind. He reasoned with himself all the way to the car. At least, he'd gotten Harm to admit he loved her, maybe with a little more meddling, he could get the prince to also admit it to his lady fair.

The car ride home was a quiet affair. Sturgis followed Harm back inside, under the guise of needing something to drink. As they walked into the apartment, Harm headed back to the bedroom to shower and change. He needed time to steel his heart and gain perspective, before Sturgis confronted him again. Surely Mac knew he loved her, right? His actions should have told her that, right? He was more confused than ever.

Ten minutes later, Harm ambled down the stairs and grabbed 2 bottles of water from the fridge. He tossed one to Sturgis, before taking a long gulp from his own. He pegged Sturgis with a glare, "She should have known, Sturgis. I wouldn't have risked everything for just anyone."

Sturgis pondered his answer, "OK, I'll give you that, but answer me this? When Bud was injured, you risked your career to stay behind with him…did you love him too?"

Harm released a short derisive laugh, "Yeah like a brother…like a colleague, but not like Mac."

Sturgis nodded, "Yeah, but how was Mac supposed to know it was different this time? Did you tell her?"

"No, but," he sighed, "…she just should have known."

Sturgis took a drink and then leveled his gaze, "OK, has Mac ever put her life on the line for you…gone halfway around the world for you?"

Harm paced nervously across the room, "Yeah, she followed me to Russia."

Sturgis puzzled his brow, "When did this happen?"

Harm looked back toward his friend, "Which time?"

Sturgis's brows hit his hairline, "She did it more than once?"

Harm plopped down in a nearby chair and prepared for a long chat, "The first time was…about 2 years after we met…I was going to Russia to track down my Dad, and she followed to keep me out of trouble," he rolled his eyes. "It was quite the adventure. I discovered my Dad had been transferred to Russia by the KGB and Vietnamese. We crashed a MIG, pretended to be gypsies, traveled to a rural countryside…all to discover, my Dad had been killed years before."

Sturgis whistled, "Wow…when was the second time?"

Harm leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes, "When she was engaged to Bugme, I'd gone to Russia to assist with revisions to their military justice protocols. I was assigned to work with a Russian military lawyer, and the two of us discovered the corruption of a high-ranking official in their military. I also found my brother, Sergei. Problems arose, when Sergei was accused of the corruption as a diversionary tactic, and we happened upon an assassination plot against the Russian President."

Sturgis's eyes widened in disbelieve, "And what was Mac's role in all of this?"

"She discovered links to the assassination plot and traveled across a war torn countryside to prevent the assassination and to help rescue me."

Sturgis shook his head, "I'm sure her fiance; loved the idea of her riding to your rescue." Harm shrugged his shoulders. "When I first got here, you said something about her visions saving your life…when did that happen?"

Harm drew in a deep breath, "The night of her rehearsal dinner. I was flying back for the wedding ceremony and hit bad weather. I went down at sea…the SAR team couldn't locate me in the swells. She had a vision and pinpointed my exact location on a map. They found me where she said I'd be."

Sturgis stared in amazement, "And you two think you're not connected? What happened to this fiance? I don't remember you or her mentioning a husband."

Harm sighed, "He called off the wedding and went back to Australia. He couldn't get passed this," he shrugged his shoulders again, "…thing between Mac and me."

Sturgis's mouth hung agape, "Let me get this straight…she's risked her life not once, but twice for you…risked her future happiness and marriage for you…and you don't think she's in love with you?"

"She was doing it for her partner…her best friend."

Sturgis threw his hands in the air, "You mean like you risking your life and job in Paraguay? How can the two of you be so blind and clueless when it comes to your feelings for each other?" He stood up and began to pace, "Have either of you ever tried to make it work…ever tried to move your relationship forward?" Harm stared at his shoes. "Harm???"

"She suggested it once, but I wasn't ready." Sturgis stared at him to continue. "I had just come back from flying…"

Sturgis muttered, "Ah, the other time you left."

Harm whipped his head up, "What was that?"

Sturgis shook his head, "Nothing…continue."

"Bud and I were in Australia working a murder case. Mac came over later to escort the body. She and I were having dinner together…and she approached the subject of US."

Sturgis extended his hands, "And?"

Harm sighed, "I told her 'not yet'."

"You turned her down?"

Harm shot to his feet, "NO…I told I couldn't let go…'YET'. She said 'I was only that way with her'…and I answered, 'yes, only with her'. Look, I'd just come back to JAG. I was still trying to find my footing with the Admiral…and with her. I wasn't ready to move things beyond friendship right then, but she couldn't even give me a little time…she moved on with Bugme. She knew we had a deal!"

Sturgis rubbed his eyes, "Did you tell her why you couldn't let go? Give her any indication of a time frame? And what does 'only with her' mean…were you dating anyone else?" His voice grew louder with each question, "And what deal?"

Harm yelled back, "She should have known…we had a deal to have a baby together in 5 years."

Sturgis fell onto the couch, "What???"

"Before I went back to flying, she was upset that everyone was leaving her. We made a deal to have a baby together, in 5 years, if neither of us were in a relationship by that time."

Sturgis answered with exasperation, "You had a back-up plan."

Harm defended, "No…I wanted it all…marriage, kids, a home…I just needed more time!"

"You explained that to her…the whole plan…that you loved her, wanted to marry her, have a family with her?"

Harm looked down and responded in a barely audible voice, "No, but she should have known that was what I meant."

Sturgis stood up and walked to the refrigerator. He withdrew a bottle of water and turned to his friend, "Do you want anything?" Harm shook his head. Sturgis began to pace once again, "Let me see if I can recap. Mac has put her life and happiness on the line for you on more than one occasion. She accepted a back-up plan when she thought that was all you could offer. She approached you to move your relationship forward…you answered 'not yet', which she interpreted as 'NO, you didn't want HER'. You told her, you were only that way with her, as you continued to date someone else. She gets captured and nearly killed in Paraguay…the man that she loves comes to rescue her, but acts annoyed and angry…refuses to tell her why he came or discuss their relationship. And once you both return to the States alive and 'well', you disappear from her life without a backwards glance." He stopped directly in front of Harm, "And you wonder why she told you it would 'NEVER' work?"

Harm countered, "Why would she think I didn't want her? I never said that…and she's never said that she loved me."

Sturgis rubbed his temple to relieve the pounding in his head. "Harm, she told me you turned her down…that you didn't want her. And for your information, she told me that she was in love with you 2 years ago. I asked her point blank, whether she still loved you, 5 days ago," he looked directly into Harm's eyes, "…she said YES, but that she'd given up any hope of her fantasy coming true."

Harm stammered, "I…she…we…what? She told you, she was in love with me 2 years ago? And you didn't tell me? Damn, we wasted so much time."

Sturgis demanded, "Well, I guess the only questions remaining to be answered are: Do you still love her? Do you still want her? And what are you going to do about it?"

Harm fired back, "Why do I have to make the first move?"

Sturgis looked back incensed, "The first move? I thought you told me she'd called you," he walked to the desk in 3 long determined strides, "…what was it, 25…30 times?"

Harm huffed back, "Seventeen," his voice deflated, "…it was seventeen times."

Sturgis pointed to the phone on the desk, "No new messages, but I see 17 old messages that you've already checked. Dare I ask who they're from?"

Harm shook his head, "I don't know…they could be from anyone, I don't always delete them when I check-in."

Sturgis nodded his head, "I see…then you won't mind if I delete them." His finger hovered over the machine for a heartbeat just before he depressed the button.

Harm jumped from his chair and screamed, "NO!"

Sturgis watched his friend fall back into the chair defeated. He didn't think he'd ever seen Harm so lost and sad. At that moment Mac's worried voice filled the room, as the 17th message began to replay.

"Harm, it's Mac. It appears you don't want to talk to me, but I'm worried about you. No one's heard from you in so long. I know you're working for the company. Please, just let me know that you're alive and fine. You don't even have to talk to me if you don't want to. You can leave a message…I promise not to pick-up, if that's want you want." Her voice softened and became edged with tears, "At least call Bud…please, I just need to know. I'll stop bothering you now, clearly you don't want me to be a part of your life anymore." With faintest of a whisper the message ended with, "I miss you…have a good life."

Sturgis looked at his dejected friend, "Do I need to play the rest of the 17 messages or can I assume they're all from her? How can you pretend that you don't care…that you don't miss her? I'm willing to bet that you sit in this dark room and replay those 17 messages just to hear her voice."

Harm waved a hand and his voice broke as he replied, "Stur…gis don't."

Sturgis noticed a framed picture on the desk and picked it up to study the photo, "You know, Mac has a picture just like this."

Harm nodded and responded quietly, "I know I gave it to her for Christmas last year. It was taken when we were in Afghanistan…Butch and Sundance…Batman and Robin."

Sturgis carried the picture over to his friend and rubbed his finger over the frame. "This frame is amazing…where did you find it?"

Harm gave a slight smile, "It was her Christmas present to me."

Sturgis raised a brow, "The Gift of the Magi?"

Harm looked back puzzled, "What?"

Sturgis shook is head in disbelief, "And you two say you're not connected at the heart." He handed the picture to Harm, "The Gift of the Magi. You know…she cuts her hair to buy him a fob for his most prized possession…his watch. He sells his watch to buy her combs for her most beautiful feature…her hair. They finally both realize that they already have their most prized possession…each other." He watched Harm run a finger over the surface of the picture. "I'm going to repeat my earlier questions. Do you still love her? Do you still want her? And what are you going to do about it?"

Harm looked up lost in emotion, "Sturgis, I don't know what to do."

Sturgis sat down beside his friend and pointed to the image, "Look Buddy, if you want this then you're gonna have to make a move. You're in the eleventh hour…hell, you're at eleven hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds…and time has almost run out." He pointed to the phone across the room, "She made the last attempt…it's your turn now." He looked into Harm's eyes with dead seriousness, "No more messing around, you need to move ahead with every inch of resolve that you can muster…there's no halfway this time. Harm, Mac the marine colonel is moving on…she's falling back on her military training and resolve. I've no doubt, she'll survive." He lowered his voice, "But Sarah, the woman, is holding on by a thread. She is so fragile right now that if you blew hard, you would shatter her into a million pieces and scatter her to the wind. If you can't go all the way…I'm talking love, commitment, family then you need to stay away…forever. She won't survive if you walk away a third time."

Harm looked up puzzled, "What do you mean three times?"

Sturgis counted off on his fingers, "You left her to go flying…you left her after Paraguay…don't make it a third. She said something to the effect that 'every time she puts the pieces of her life together, someone comes along and jumbles them up'…and since you walked away, 'she has a big hole where her heart used to be.' She said she wouldn't survive a third time, hence her statement that she's given up on her dreams."

Harm nodded his head, "I'll think about it."

Sturgis smiled in an attempt to pacify, "Harm, I'm not saying this is all your fault or her fault. You've both argued, misunderstood, ducked, and walked away, …don't you think it's time, you both tried to walk together…in the same direction…toward the same goal?" He stood up, "The Gift of the Magi, Harm. You've both given each other your time, your devotion, your lives…but those aren't your most prized possessions." He touched a finger to Harm's chest over his heart, "That's your most prized possession. Don't you think it's time to entrust each other with your hearts?" He shook his head, "The funny thing is…I think you gave each other your hearts way back in the beginning…maybe even in that first moment. All you need to do is acknowledge and accept that gift."

Sturgis crossed the room and grabbed his jacket, "Look, it's late. I gotta run Buddy, but if you need anything, I'm here for you…both of you." He opened the door to leave, but looked back one last time. Harm sat in the evening shadows, running a fingertip in a delicate caress over his marine. Sturgis smiled, just maybe the prince would find his way back to the kingdom and his lady fair. Sometimes those fairytales really did come true.

TBC