ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

(Official-looking police-y place. Lots of police there and stuff. They're all arguing, shouting over each other about police-y things. Presumably. NOTE: The actors who play Aizawa, Mogi, Ide, etc. can double as Police #1-5 if needed.)

POLICE#1:

There's been fifty-two deaths already in the past week, all of them involving heart attacks. And I think it's safe to say that there are probably many other deaths yet to be accounted for.

POLICE#2:

It must be some kind of epidemic. There's no use investigating when-

POLICE#3:

Surely you don't think it can all be a coincidence? This many criminals dying of heart attacks at the same exact time?

POLICE#5:

Si! Donde esta la evidencia, eh?

POLICE#2:

But they're criminals! Most of them were on death row anyway. This string of heart attacks just means less tax dollars wasted on housing convicts when we COULD be spending it on much better things... like golf.

POLICE#3:

What does it matter, criminal or innocent? What of the falsely accused? Murder is still murder! This person needs to be stopped!

POLICE#2:

It's far too early to call this a homicide... Investigating a series of heart attacks isn't going to get us anywhere! If these people had been shot or stabbed, we might have something to go on but-

POLICE#3:

People's hearts don't just randomly explode in unison! Only an idiot would be unable to make the connection!

POLICE#2:

Oh yeah?! Well then how do you expect to go catching this invisible mystery killer, huh, GENIUS?

POLICE#3:

You tell me how to explain away what is obviously the result of organized crime, douchefag!

POLICE#2:

I WILL RIP ALL OF YOUR ORGANS OUT AND FEED THEM TO YOUR FAMILY IN A DELICIOUS MEAT PIE.

POLICE#3:

I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP SO HARD YOUR ASS WILL COME OUT YOUR FACE.

POLICE#2:

BITCH I WILL CUT YOU.

POLICE#3:

I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE.

POLICE#2:

WHAT?!

(Police#2 flips a table and tackles Police#3. The two roll offstage. There is a tense, awkward pause.)

POLICE#1:

And on that note I think it's time we brought L into this case.

(Everyone gasps and starts whispering furiously. Lights dim on everyone else and brighten on Soichiro and Matsuda.)

MATSUDA:

Chief?

SOICHIRO:

Did anyone say you could talk?

MATSUDA:

But I have a question...

SOICHIRO:

(sigh) What is it, burden?

MATSUDA:

Who's L?

SOICHIRO:

Oh, you naive, ADHD child. (puts arm around Matsuda) L is the greatest detective this world has ever seen. We don't know his real name or whereabouts, or even what he looks like... but word on the street is this guy is bitchin'. He's managed to solve every single case he's ever taken on, and he's tackled some of the greatest mysteries known to man. (smacks Matsuda) Now go get me coffee, you useless excuse for an intern!

MATSUDA:

B-But Chief, I'm not an-

(Soichiro smacks Matsuda again. Normal lights.)

POLICE#5:

Porque todo necesitamos es uno mas gringo en esta pais...

POLICE#4:

I'm all for deferring to L on this one, but we don't even know where he is, or how to contact him! Besides, I hear that he is extremely arrogant and only takes on cases that interest him personally.

WATARI:

L is already on the move. (badass trench coat, walks to center stage and sets up a laptop) He has already begun his investigation into these incidents.

(Shocked whispering, someone says "Watari.")

MATSUDA:

Who's that?

SOICHIRO:

(smacks yet again) Stop interrupting. 10 points from Gryffindor.

WATSUDA:

(loudly) What the- (whispering) -heck?

WATARI:

I am Watari, the only known person who can get into contact with L. Gentlemen, if you will please be silent, L has a message for you. (Presses a button on the laptop. Nothing happens. Humorous button mashing ensues.) Damn young'uns and your confounded technology-machines... ah! There.

L:

(His L symbol pops up on the screen, his voice is distorted.) Greetings, all of you at the ICPO Copyright Symbol. I am L. As you just heard, I believe these heart attacks are not merely a coincidence, and I am already working to find who is behind these murders. In fact, I have a little experiment I'd like you to see. It would be greatly appreciated if you were all watching the news tonight at six. That is all. L out, bitches.

(Watari closes the laptop and walks away. The police continue whispering.)

MATSUDA:

Matsuda is confused!

SOICHIRO:

(smacks) Dammit, didn't I tell you to shut your whore mouth?!

MATSUDA:

(whimpers) Sorry, Chief...

(Lights fade to black.)

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

(Three sections. Taylor's desk, the "TV" is in the middle. Light and Ryuk watching TV and eating chips/apples are on one side. The other side is the ICPO place thing whatever. /specific)

(The stage is dark. Lights dimly come up on the police side.)

POLICE#4:

(walks on, sees TV) Hey! Toddlers and Tiaras is about to start! (picks up remote and chances channel)

POLICE#3:

(pulling the remote away) No way! You got to pick the show last time; now it's my turn and I'm not sitting through another episode of four year olds wearing more makeup than that prostitute I had over the other night!

POLICE#5:

Yo cree que este fue Japan? Por que quieres mirar blanco basura?

POLICE#1:

(comes up behind them, snatches remote and changes channel back) We're here to watch the news, douchecanoes! L literally just said something about that in the last scene. Now c'mon boys! Last one doesn't get any popcorn!

(All the other police rush in, pushing and yelling, and crowd around the TV like kindergarteners at story time. Lights come up on Light watching TV with Ryuk.)

LIGHT:

(laughing) Ahahaha! Oh my Kira! Ah, my sides hurt! Hahaha!

RYUK:

Heheh, this is the most entertaining thing I've seen all day. What did you say this show was called again, Light?

LIGHT:

Spongebob Squarepants.

RYUK:

Aw, man. This is great. And that squid fellow - classic!

(They continue laughing for a moment. There is static and then a voice coming from the TV.)

VOICE:

We apologize for the interruption, but...

LIGHT:

What?! NO! BRING BACK SPONGEBOB! (throws a piece of popcorn at the TV) BOO!

RYUK:

BOOOOO!

LIGHT:

BOOOOOOOO!

VOICE:

We now give you a live, world-wide broadcast coming from Interpol's ICPO Copyright Symbol.

(Lights come up on Lind L. Taylor at his desk.)

TAYLOR:

I am the head of an investigation into the recent series of mysterious heart attacks. My name is Lind L. Taylor, otherwise known as L. L like the letter L, not Elle like the name. I'm not a girl. Lind is short for Linda. And Taylor is gender neutral. I swear to god.

MATSUDA:

What is L doing, showing his face at a time like this? (is promptly smacked)

LIGHT:

Who the heck is this guy?

TAYLOR:

...Okay so MAYBE on the weekends I used dress up in drag and perform at a club for wealthy homesexuals who haven't yet come out to their wives, but that doesn't prove anything! (to someone unseen) I'm sorry, what? The cue cards? Oh. Right. (clears throat) All around the world, criminals are being murdered by a serial killer in what I consider to be the most atrocious display of genocide in history. I will not rest until the person or persons responsible for this crime are brought to justice. Kira, I will find you, and I will catch you! Like a pokemon! Or the common cold. I don't know, whichever metaphor you think best suits the situation.

RYUK:

Uh-oh... Light, this guy seems pretty determined. What are you gonna do?

LIGHT:

Nothing, Ryuk. He's making empty threats. In order to convict me, he'll have to find my Death Note, and as long as I keep using it wisely, there will be no evidence to incriminate me. I'm not worried. I just need to follow the advice of the great teen idol Zac Effron and keep my head in the game.

TAYLOR:

Kira, I can understand your motivation and what you are trying to achieve, but what you are doing is... evil.

LIGHT:

(jumps up) EXCUSE ME?! Oh, it's going DOWN! (grabs Death Note) I am justice! I'm protecting the innocent and ridding the Earth of evil! I'm the god of a new world, and those who oppose that world are the ones who are truly evil! (opens DN, begins to write) I guess you were just too stupid to understand, L. You disgust me. I bet you secretly LIKE clowns! (slams pen down) Now I'll show them what happens when you cross Kira... The whole world is watching, L! What are you gonna do now?

(Taylor chokes, gags, and dies. Light starts laughing maniacally as Taylor is dragged away. The police freak out. Watari comes back with the laptop and puts it on the desk.)

L:

Uh... wow.

LIGHT:

What?

L:

So, Kira. You're kind of a retard, aren't you?

LIGHT:

What's going on?

L:

This was a trap. Sorry. Not only have I just confirmed that you can kill someone without having to be there in person, but that man you just saw die on television? Lind L. Taylor? He was an inmate scheduled to be executed today. That wasn't me. He was arrested and tried in absolute secrecy, so it seems not even you, a self-proclaimed GOD, has access to that kind of information. But let me assure you Kira, I am real. L does exist. So why don't you try to kill me? Hmm? C'mon, what are you waiting for?! Do it! Pussy!

MATSUDA:

WHOO-HOO! GO L! KIRA SUCKS! TEAM L FOR LIFE! (smacked)

L:

Nothing? What's the matter, Kira? I guess there ARE people you can't kill after all. You've given me a useful hint. Here, let me return the favor. Remember how it was said that this was a world-wide broadcast? I lied. The truth is, we're only broadcasting in the Kanto region of Japan. I was going to play this video around the world until I found you, but that will no longer be necessary. I know where you are.

RYUK:

Oh, this L guy is good! Haha!

L:

Naturally, I'm curious as to how you're committing these murders without ever setting foot on the scene of the crime... But that can wait. You can answer all of my questions when I arrest you. I hope we meet again, Kira. L out, be-yotch.

(Lights go dark everywhere except on Light.)

LIGHT:

Well, shit.

RYUK:

Ya done goofed, Light. Heheheh...

LIGHT:

N-No! I-I totally meant to do this! See, I'm uh... I'm luring L to me so I can get close to him and find out his name. So I can kill him and stuff. Yeah...

RYUK:

That's a dumb plan...

LIGHT:

S-Shut up! You're a dumb plan!

(They hear stomping and a door closing.)

SOICHIRO:

I'm hooooooome!

LIGHT:

Oh! Dad's home! (runs to other side of the stage, "downstairs" in the Yagami home) Daaaaaddyyyyyy!

SOICHIRO:

(hanging his coat up) Yes, Light? What's wrong?

LIGHT:

Dad, you love me, right?

SOICHIRO:

(pats head) Of course! In a completely innocent fatherly way!

LIGHT:

Then let me use your work computer.

SOICHIRO:

What?

LIGHT:

I just have some... homework I need to... take care of.

SOICHIRO:

I'm sorry, son, but I'm working on a very top-secret case right now with one of the greatest minds in history and-

LIGHT:

(puppydog eyes) But daaaaaaaad...

SOICHIRO:

...Oh, fine. (hands Light his laptop) The password is "mysonisDEFINITELYnotKira1234".

LIGHT:

Thanks Dad, I love you! (runs back to his room/other side of stage)

SOICHIRO:

You're perfect in every way, my son! (sighs, wipes a tear from his eye) I am the proudest father in the world.

SAYU:

(runs in) Hey dad, I brought my math grade up to a B!

SOICHIRO:

You, on the other hand, are a disappointment.

(He puts a hand on her shoulder and guides a pouting Sayu offstage. Light starts typing.)

LIGHT:

My dad is so dumb... He's working on the Kira Case, and he doesn't even suspect me! Now I can just hack into his top secret files for the investigation and-whoa! (covers the screen and clicks frantically) Porn folder, porn folder! Do not want!

RYUK:

What's a... (leans closer) Oooh, go back! I didn't know humans could bend that way...

LIGHT:

No, Ryuk! They're not supposed to! (uncovers screen, clicks another one) Ah, here it is. Let's see what the police are doing, hmm? (reading) Twelve FBI agents from America were sent into Japan last week to investigate the origins of Kira... What? Well, I can't have that, now, can I? Thanks for including all twelve's full names and pictures, Dad!

(Light flips open his Death Note and begins writing. Raye and Naomi enter from the other side of the stage and the tune of Come What May from Moulin Rouge begins to play.)

RAYE:

Wow, would you look at that sunset, Naomi! Aren't you glad that after I'm done helping with this Kira case thing, I'm going to marry you and take you back to America with me, away from everything you love?

NAOMI:

Of course, Raye. (rolls eyes, talking to self) Or that's what he THINKS is going to happen...

RAYE:

I just can't wait. Can you? We're gonna be Raye and Naomi Penber. You're not gonna have to work anymore, y'know? You can just stay home all day, every day, doing nothing but cooking, cleaning, and producing my children...

NAOMI:

(laughs) If you say so, Raye.

Never thought it'd be such a dork I'd marry

Maybe my parents were right before

I could do better, just look at me!

But every day I love him more and more

BOTH:

Listen to my heart, can you hear it beat?

Telling me to give you everything

RAYE:

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I'll love you until the day I die

Come what may

Come what may

I will love you until my dying day

LIGHT:

...aaaand, last but not least! (writing) Raye Penber...

(Raye has a heart attack and dies in Naomi's arms.)

NAOMI:

Raye, no! My fiance... please, someone help! Call 911!

LIGHT:

Thank Kira. I was beginning to get tired of that song.

(An EMT arrives, pronounces Raye dead, and puts a white sheet over him.)

EMT:

(puts a hand on Naomi's shoulder) I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs...?

NAOMI:

(sniffs) It's MISS. Miss Naomi Pen-I mean, Naomi Misora. Just Misora, now, I guess...

EMT:

Well, I'm very sorry for your loss Miss Misora, but... we need to move the body. It's kind of blocking the sidewalk. Maybe if I get the legs, do you think you can get the arms?

NAOMI:

What? Don't you have a stretcher? (looks around) Where's the ambulance?!

EMT:

Oh, there's no ambulance. I jogged here. The government made some cuts in the budget, you see, and well-

NAOMI:

Look, nevermind. Can I have a minute alone please? I'm trying to sing my emotional solo.

EMT:

Oh, sorry, sure thing. (goes to stand on the very edge of the stage, twiddles his thumbs and stares up at the sky, generally pretending to be occupied)

NAOMI:

Suddenly the world isn't such a perfect place

Suddenly it stops its ever-haunting pace

Suddenly my life just seems like such a waste

It all revolved around you

(She touches Raye's face through the sheet. The EMT grabs his legs and drags him off stage. Naomi follows. The police enter.)

ALL POLICE:

There's no paycheck so high to make us even try

So we all quit, we're here to say one goodbye

We hope that L wins, and he makes Kira cry

But we have families, so find some new allies

Come what may

Come what may

I don't want this to be my dying day

(The police leave. Naomi comes back out.)

NAOMI:

My poor Raye

Kira will pay

I will hunt him until my dying day