Acceptance
I surface. His hands are sprawled against my back. His head is heavy on my shoulder.
He looks so young in sleep. I trace my fingers along his cheek, feather light.
He sighs, and moves even closer to me. His hand travels up from my back, and rests against the back of my neck.
I close my eyes, relishing the smooth warmth of his palm. I imagine him holding me like an owner holding a cat by the scruff of its neck, and I can't contain my laughter.
He wakes instantly. I feel the heavy warmth of sleep vanish, and instead the old tension returns again.
His eyes pierce me.
I can't read the expression there. I don't really want to. I just want to watch him.
He extracts his hand from my neck, and it is like missing a limb.
"I'm sorry," he says roughly, voice choked with fatigue. "I didn't mean to - I really fucked this up."
I shake my head quickly, and put my index finger on his lips.
"Shh," I murmur. "Shut up. We only slept."
His eyes flash with akin to desire for an instant. I watch in amazement as the shutters come down, and he becomes Dr. Oliver right in front of my eyes.
He stands, his back towards me.
His right hand rests on the sheets, and I sit up, and try to hold it.
He feels my touch, and he visibly flinches.
"Luke." he says. His voice is strangled with pain. "Don't."
"I have to go."
He turns around, regarding me with a cold aloofness.
"This was a mistake." he says simply.
"What mistake?" I sputter. "I did what you wanted. I broke it off. For weeks, you've wanted to break up with him, and I did. We can be together now - you don't have to -"
"Weeks." he interrupts me. His voice is frosty. "Don't insult me. I've wanted you since the minute I got to this hellhole. You flirted. You came to me, the night of his surgery. You remember what happened next. You ran away. You got scared. You went back to him, and begged his forgiveness. And so -" he throws his arms out wildly, and steps closer to the bed. "I had to watch you play happy family with that - boy. You just cut me out of my life, and then show up at my apartment, out of the blue. Don't even think about -"
I can't listen to anymore. I get up, and put my hands on his shoulders.
"Reid," I begged. "Please. It's different now."
Hot tears are spilling down my cheeks.
"He made me feel -"
"Don't." he says again, softer. Against his own volition, his hand cups my cheeks. He gently wipes the tears away.
"I've heard it all before." he says. "Every damn day, for months. Watching him berate you, push you away, treat you like crap. I can't do this, Luke. I - " his voice fades away. His eyes flash, like he's trying to memorize my face.
"You what?" I whisper. I knead his shoulder with my hand. Every nerve in my body is tense and ablaze.
"You know what." he answers. "You know why I can't stay away. But I just can't watch you be treated like nothing anymore, Luke. You deserve so much more than him."
I want to hear him say it. But I haven't earned the right. I know it, in my core. It's a miracle he's even here. He doesn't understand. Noah's exactly who I deserve. Once Reid gave me a glimpse of what real love feels like.
But that's over. He's pulling away from me, just like Noah.
I can't control myself. I feel tears building. I choke them back.
"You don't get it." I spit. "I'm just a miserable little boy. I don't deserve you. Noah's [i]exactly[/i] who I deserved. I caused his accident. I had to be punished for it. And when I kissed you that night, you made me feel so wanted. You gave me of a glimpse of what love without conditions meant. So I ran. Back to safety." Bitterness cascades out of my mouth. "Back to -"
"Abuse." he interrupts me firmly. "Back to emotional abuse. Luke, listen to me - "
I shake my head defiantly, and let my hand fall off his shoulder. I pull away from his touch. I walk to the corner of the room, facing the wall. I scrub my face, but the tears keep coming.
I can't look at him. I can't let him see.
I wish he would go.
"Why did you come here?" I whisper. "I can't convince you I ended it with him. I got so fucking tired of feeling bad about myself - every choice I made met with contempt, so I just - broke up with him. I told him to take his shit, and leave. You can check the drawers if you don't believe me."
I kept on talking, finding comfort in the blank wall.
"Of course you don't believe me. Why should you? I'm just alcoholic Luke, with one kidney. Gay, of course. My mom loved that one, as you can imagine."
I feel his hands on my shoulders, suddenly. He gently turns me around, and pushes me against the wall.
"Stop talking." he whispers. His hands engulf my face. He leans forwards and gently, so gently, kisses my lips.
"I believe you." he says seriously. "Okay?"
I nod, tentative.
"It's not your fault." he continues. "The accident. You didn't set the fireworks. You didn't climb up to mess with them like an idiot."
"I distracted him," I answer. I can't draw my breath. His eyes transfix me.
"I was talking, and he -"
Before I could continue, his mouth claimed mine with another kiss.
"That's Noah talking, not the Luke Snyder I know. The Luke I know doesn't take shit from anyone, least of all me. Remember the Luke who fought me tooth and nail for the rooms for the families of patients. Noah Mayer is an emotionally abusive young man who blamed you for something that was an accident. Why the hell was he messing with fireworks anyway? Luke - "
His thumbs are gently stroking my cheeks, just underneath my ears.
"Stop blaming yourself. Stop crying. Let him go."
I sigh into his mouth. My hands find his ribs, and rest there.
"I can't." I sniffle. "I can't -"
He puts his fingers on my mouth, and traces my lip slowly.
"Yes, you can." he says. "You can."
"Why did you come back?" I ask. The questions bursts out of me, like an alien exploding out of my chest. "Why do you give a damn?"
His jaw clenches, and I lick my lips involuntarily.
"I love you. I'm completely in love with you." his voice is husky, cracking into shards.
I inhale, a deep breath, and I grab his pants by the waistband.
I pull him towards me. His feet are heavy but eager on the carpet.
I move towards him in slow motion, suddenly nervous.
The kiss is sublime, eager and yearning.
When we separate, his gaze is vulnerable, exposed.
I grab his hand and squeeze it tightly.
"I love you too."
