SCENE TWO
(BELLA and CHARLIE are sitting together on a couch watching TV. CHARLIE is wearing a large police badge.)
BELLA
Ugh. Why are we watching sports? I hate sports. If my gay friend Edward was here we could watch Friends. Or Will and Grace.
JACOB (O.S.)
Ding dong!
(BILLY comes in the room with a wheelchair. His wheelchair is a normal chair that he holds to his butt while he walks.)
BILLY
Yeah! Let's be men and talk about fish and sports! I even brought my manly son Jacob for Bella's viewing pleasure.
(JACOB walks in flexing.)
CHARLIE
Oh, hey there, Billy! Jacob! Come on in!
(JACOB sits next to Bella on the couch and BILLY wheels right in front of the TV.)
JACOB
Yeah, I'm so buff. Let's watch sports! Male bonding!
BELLA
Ugh. If my gay friend Edward was here, I wouldn't have to put up with this. It would also stop raining, because he's a god, and he can do that.
BILLY
YES! Sports! The only thing more manly than this is to be banging a girl while watching sports!
CHARLIE
AND FISHING! All in one!
BILLY
Men, men, men, men,
Men, men, men, men.
JACOB
Dad… I'm starting to feel funny…
CHARLIE
Billy, I think it's time to give him that talk, because I'm perfectly okay if Jacob wants to get in Bella's pants. It's high time the little tramp got deflowered.
BILLY
No, he's only interested in females.
JACOB
Oh, I'm really not feeling well…
CHARLIE
Don't worry. Those feelings are perfectly natural. If you and Bella just want to go upstairs for a while…
JACOB
Okay, maybe I should mysteriously disappear for an extended amount of time. You're on your own, Dad.
(JACOB runs away and howls.)
BILLY
Oh. It's a full moon. It must be his time of the month.
(JACOB keeps howling.)
BELLA
What is that noise?
BILLY
Charlie, you better go arrest you neighbors for beating their dogs.
CHARLIE
You're right. Even though I live in the middle of nowhere, I'll go shoot some shit. You two can stay here and talk.
(CHARLIE pulls out a huge gun and walks away.)
BILLY
Bella, I remember you from when you were a little baby. You used to come down to La Push beach to go swimming. Topless.
BELLA
If my gay friend Edward Cullen was here, I could go swimming topless.
BILLY
No! Not Edward Cullen!
Bella girl, where you from, how's it going?
I know that you, ain't gotta clue whatcha doing
You can play brand new to all the other dicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby
Look at you, getting more than just a re-up
Baby he, got all the puppets with their strings up
Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what he are, what he are, baby
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,
Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby
He he he is, he he he is
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
He got you going
He's oh so charming
Because he's got
You womanized
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your crazy
He's nothing but a
Womanizer
He's a vamp, and he's gonna suck you're blo-od
Too bad for you, you're going to ru-un out of blo-od.
He's a-gonna kill you baby, which kinda sucks cause you're hot
But that's just him, so listen to me baby
Lollipop, you must know that he's a sucker
I know that you, would be a victim, just another
Say it, play how you want it
But no way I'm never gonna let you fall, never you, baby
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,
Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby
He he he is, he he he is
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
He got you going
He's oh so charming
Because he's got
You womanized
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your crazy
He's nothing but a
Womanizer
Maybe if we both lived in a different world
Yeah
It would be all good and he would call you his girl
But you can't 'cause he won't, that
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,
Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby
He he he is, he he he is
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
He got you going
He's oh so charming
Because he's got
You womanized
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your crazy
He's nothing but a
Womanizer
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Girl don't try to front
You know just what he are-are-are
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,
Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby
BELLA
Yeah, whatever. I'm going to bed.
(BELLA stomps away.)
BILLY
Heed my warning!
And the lovely Billy Black, singing the men song (not from Two and a Half Men...) and Cullenizer/Womanizer by Brittney Spears. I may not have mentioned it before, but I own nothing.
