Might As Well Call This Hell
Part 1
A/N: Hello everyone (:, I'm very excited to see that I received 10 reviews with just my first chapter, even though I did pester my friends to review after they read.. But that is completely irrelevant. Anyways thank you, again to all those who reviewed. I made sure to send messages to FFN users as gratitude. As far as Annon users I know pretty much everyone, so thanks again. Anyways here's part 1 of 2 of the requested two-shot by tylerssecond2, I hope I've written just what you wanted!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or some other things that might be mentioned along these various one-shots in this story, they belong to the developers of Call of Duty: World at War and Call of Duty: Black Ops; Treyarch. I simply own small elements in where the inspiration comes from... at least I hope I do!

Enjoy!


"Die zom-bitches!" Dempsey was unloading a Galil clip into a horde of zombies that began coming up the stairs to the Lander. Behind him the doctor was reloading the MP40 he grabbed off the wall.

"Doc! Hurry it up will ya? Headshots with one clip won't last long!"

Dempsey and Richtofen were watching the stairs in where the most zombies seemed to come from, as where Nikolai and Takeo seemed to be guarding the less active windows to watch their backs.

"Someone make a crawler at zhe window!" the doctor hollered over the torrent of bullets coming from his German gun.

"I wirr get the crawler!" Takeo started to cook a grenade and threw it as a familiar 'BOOM' echoed within the windows encasement.

Nikolai grunted seemingly unpleased with the Japanese man that had beaten him to make a crawler.

"Nikolai make better crawler!" he too cooked a grenade and threw it into his window as the lone zombie within lost it's legs and an arm.

Tank came behind the Russian chuckling lowly, "So much for a better crawler 'ey Nikolai?", he gave the slightly angered drunk a pat on the back, "He won't last long... Might bleed out..."

His thoughts ended as Richtofen squealed and gave a maniacal laugh, "Ohoho! Look at how cute my minion is! It's trying to bite me!".

He gave another laugh as the others looked at the doctor strangely before dismissing it.

"Yeah.. Well anyways, Nikolai's crawlers going to bleed out here in a sec. So me and-", Dempsey came beside Richtofen and gave the Nazi a hard slap on the back almost causing the doctor to fall over and lose his cap," Eddy here will babysit Tak's crawler, in the mean time, you two find a rope so we can tie it up!". The doctor fixed his cap and stomped his feet like a five year old and muttered an insulting comment about the American marine before busing himself with the crawler on the floor.

Takeo shook his head as he headed down the small flight of stairs, "Hurry up Russian! Your honor wavers in the distance the longer you wait!"

Nikolai gave a grunt as he angrily took a swig of vodka, "Nikolai has honor as long as Nikolai drink vodka, stupid Takeo!"

Catching up to the smaller Japanese man, Nikolai began to annoyingly sing a Russian song very horribly, off-pitch. Takeo shook his head ignoring the Russian as they both came to a closet where there were several tools and small necessities, including a rope.

"Oh good, now let me grab rope so I can drink vodka in peace!" Takeo, already holding the rope gave a baffled cry as Nikolai tried to pry it out of his hands.

"Let go Russian! I had rope first!" Neither man let go as they quarried for the object as both seemed unaware that the door to the closet was closing shut.

A loud bang was heard along with a click as the door slammed shut and locked itself. Both Takeo and Nikolai stopped in their tracks and rushed for the door.

"What da fuck! Open door or else I attack like Russian bear that was not allowed a bathroom break!", he slammed his shoulder into the door again and again, nothing.

"You bring dishonor Russian! Ever heard of a rrock?" Takeo pushed Nikolai aside as he fumbled around in the darkness to find the door knob. His hands found it as he brought his fingers around the lock. Just as he was about to turn it, an awful shocking sensation shot up his arm and through his spine. It was most unpleasant as Takeo let go and shook his hand trying to get rid of the numbing feeling. "The door shocked me! What is this?"

Nikolai tried his hands at trying to unlock the door, he took was shocked. "What? Stupid door! Hmph, I thought you were just too weak to open door, small man. Oh, also I don't know what a rrock is, but I know what a lock is!" Takeo rolled his eyes at Nikolai's poor impersonation of his accent.

A small girlish giggle echoed in the small confined room, "Now now you two! I vant to play a game! Vill you play vith me? I mean I vouldn't vant to give zhe monkeys in ze box a reason so hurt you!". Her small laugh started to turn a bit demonic as the two zombie slayers started to soak in the words of the haunting German spirit.

"D-did you just say monkeys... I-in a box? In this room?", Nikolai had a bit of trouble holding in his vodka now.

"Shush! Russian, I found a rright switch. I don't rrike monkeys either!" Just as the Japanese said, he found the switch as the closet was exposed to light.

The fluorescents blinded their eyes for seconds. Soon after Nikolai's eyes widened as he found the box. The small box started to scuttle on the floor closer to the Russian. Oh hell no!

"Okay okay Sam! Me and mustache man shall play your games, but no monkeys!" he took another swig of vodka hoping to forget the tiny German mentioning the damned monkeys underneath the small box in the corner.

"I have name Russian! You have no honor!", the two began eyeing each other trying to muster the deadlier stare. "Well I don't care about your name!"

Another high pitched giggle snapped the two out of their staring. Suddenly a bloodied teddy bear phased through the ceiling above the two. "Mr. Teddy Bear is lonely, von't you two give him a small kiss and a hug to make him happy again?"

Takeo's nose wrinkled in disgust, "I wirr do no such thing! It's coated in zombie blood! Almost as disgusting as Russian!", Nikolai gasped, shocked, and grunted. He would take no tolerance from the Jap today.

"I drink all vodka inRussia! Yet you stay ugly! I hate you Takeo!"

Little Samantha seemed to be all but pleased as the two bickered on their hatred for one another. "Oh Mr and Mrs monkey, vill you please come out and play?", she gave an excited squeal as the box shook about and slammed into a wall, freeing the mammals from their confines.

Still not noticing to anything around them they continued insulting one another. As for the monkeys... Well...

The two monkeys from the boxes began to scream and hiss, angered from their unpleasant welcoming. Their little beady red eyes lay upon the fat Russian and the small Japanese man.

They both leaped forward and latched onto both their heads.

"Ahh! MONKEY! NO!" At that moment, Nikolai began screaming like a girl as he flailed about, he HATED monkeys and this is about the worst thing that had haunted his dreams. The small monkey latched it's small paws around his neck, hanging along for the ride, beating on the soviets head and screeching angrily.

Takeo handled his situation differently.

"No rittle monkey! Stop!" he managed to pry the small thing off himself and held it in front of him. The poor thing was very confused and cocked its head to the side questioningly.

"I have surprise for rittle monkey, but only if rittle monkey leave Takeo alone." Holding the monkey in his right arm he reached into his gun holster and pulled out a banana.

The small chimp screeched happily as it climbed out of the Japanese mans arms to sit on top his shoulder while taking small nibbles at the single banana.

Nikolai on the other hand...

"Give me a zombie to play with me instead!", his cries were silenced as the monkey bit down into a hand that the Russian tried to restrain the monkey with. "Fuck! No monkey! Please! I better not have rabies!"

The now slightly sober soviet was running out of ideas. He smashed himself into a wall trying to smack the monkey off in the process. He ran to the door and slammed himself. Those tiny hands were no longer prying at his neck. "Ha! Stupid monkey! Russian is better than you-,"

Screeching ensued as the monkey attacked Nikolai's face.

He cried again as the element 115'd monkey grabbed his head and reared it back, again and again, into the door.

To Takeo this is, by far, the best show ever.


Elsewhere...

The American and the German grew bored and walked around seemingly. The crawler followed behind slowly.

A shrill, horror movie, womanly scream made its way to their ears.

"What the fuck?" Dempsey looked around questioningly.

Richtofen gave a gauntly laugh, "Come American! I know vhere, or should I say whom zhese screams come from! Ahaha!" He walked forward excitedly with a little hop in his step eager to reach the source of the noises.


Previously, in the closet. (lol)

"Please little monkey! I give you my vodka!".

Nikolai looked absolutely terrible, and Takeo loved every moment of the immature display.

The closet door opened.

"Oh vhy hello Nikolai!", the doctor opened the closet door and smiled very crazed as the Russian barged through the open door way and onto the floor, face first might I add.

Dempsey was speechless, with his mouth agape at the little monkey beating the shit out of Nikolai but not before coming with an even stranger sight.

Behind Nikolai was a very content Takeo along with a very happy test subject on his head sleeping.

The honorful Japanese man stepped over the pitiful Russian and dismissed a banana peel on top of Nikolai's head.

The once angry monkey prowled away above the Russian steel walls shortly after escaping the closet door.

"Oh here you go doctor, the rope." handing the rope to Edward, Takeo let his usually serious mood fade and burst out laughing. Dempsey and Richtofen looked over surprised to Takeo.

Takeo let out a long and low whistle. The monkey on his head dropped down to the floor and did some of his 'business' before grabbing a handful of its chocolate and as instructed, threw it.

Dempsey and Richtofen tried to suppress their gags as the poo flew and landed on Nikolai's head.

Still laughing Takeo rushed the monkey away before stepping away to their nightly camp.

Walking away Takeo hollered over his shoulder, "I told you! Russian have no honor!".

Not knowing what else to do, the marine and the Nazi shrugged and they left the passed out Nikolai on the floor to precede back to Lander B to tie up the crawler to rest.


Hours later...

Nikolai started to awaken, he shuffled himself up right, "Da.. Very weird dream... My head hurts..." He reached a hand back to nurse his head, instead, coming contact with something smelly and goop-like.

"Oh fuck you Takeo!" He grimaced as his face contorted into pain and disgust, groaning, "I hate monkeys..."


A small glowing light encased the two aliened monkeys as it shined in their tiny red eyes. An erie voice whisper around the area.

"I'm so happy Mr. Monkey and Mrs. Monkey got to play! Oh yes! Very happy! I can't zait to see vhat little surprises ve can conjure for our next two victims!"

To be continued...


Ohhh my goodness, I have no idea what possessed me to take this request into these turns of events! Holyyy shit! That was really funny to write! Up next chapter is part 2! I hope you enjoy this as much as I did and sorry if it was OOC! R&R please(: If you want anyways. And if you are reviewing PLEASE REQUEST! Bye!

Oh and P.S YES, I did indeed bring in poo flinging! And failed cliffhangers! Oh the joys of being so weird... ;)