He tried to act casual. After all, he didn't do anything wrong, did he?
Max sat quite a distance away from him, not lifting his head at all. He was watching the actors on stage trying their very best to impress.
Whether he was avoiding him on purpose or really just focusing on his job Leo could not tell, but he was pretty certain there was no chance to get through to him right now.
He turned again pouting. Why would he care? He found himself looking over to Max every now and then and each time it made his insides flip. If he was right -and he was certain of that- why did he try to make any eye-contact all the time? It bothered him a lot. He didn't need Max's approval. He didn't even need him finding his plan okay. But somehow...
"Did you talk to her yet?" A whispering Carmen stood behind him.
Leo whirled around. He hadn't noticed him coming closer.
"I...er...No. No, not yet," He answered blushing slightly. He knew he should have. And he knew he could not waste too much time, if he wanted this to work, but somehow he didn't quite know what to say. How on earth was he supposed to contact her again after all they'd been through. She obviously never once tried to make anything up to him. He blamed it on himself all the time. Maybe he really had been just as useless as a husband as he was as a friend after all.
He felt Carmen's hand on his shoulder and looked up to him once more.
"Well, I guess you should do it soon," Carmen said, smiling.
"I know," Leo tried hard to lift the corners of his mouth into a smile as well, but probably must have looked pretty silly for Carmen started to giggle slightly.
"I...well, I just don't know what to say," He admitted and felt that uncomfortable blush on his face once more. "If only I'd know what to say..."
Carmen's expression changed. He almost looked pitiful right now, yet understanding.
"Leo?" He said very quietly. "Come with me!"
Thus, he took Leo's arm and pulled him up from his chair dragging him out of the theater. Leo was too perplex to say anything. He simply followed the slender man without really knowing where he wanted to go.
Carmen pushed the stage doors open and both of them stepped outside. The bright daylight blinded Leo at first and it took him quite some time to get used to it again. He covered his eyes with his arm for a moment, blinking a few times until he felt comfortable again.
As soon as his sight was back to normal he turned to look at Carmen, who stood next to him watching him closely.
Then, he started to smile again.
"Come on," he said and headed towards the street.
Leo was confused, but followed him without hesitation.
…
"Do you think this is wise after all?" Roger asked.
Max sighed. A little annoyed he almost let his head fall down, rolling his eyes.
"What is this going to be? Another bad conscience – session?" He asked without really looking up. He knew exactly what Roger was about to try here. He had watched Leo leaving the theater with Carmen from the corner of his eyes. Naturally, he did wonder about it, but he hadn't dared to say anything; to break the silence between them. It would have felt like agreeing indirectly to that outrageous plan of Leo. And he had never been able to take the first step, nor did he really see the necessity to do so. If Leo wanted to behave like a child he'd let him. If Leo wanted to go through this emotional pain once more, he'd let him.
"Now," Roger took a chair and sat down in front of Max, blocking his sight at anything else on purpose. "Don't you dare pretending to avoid him because he's acting childish!"
How the hell did he do that? Max was a bit taken aback by that sudden accusation yet wondered how Roger managed to nail it perfectly all the same. Was he really that obvious?
But Max wouldn't have been Max if he admitted anything. So, he simply cleared his throat shortly, looking straight into Roger's face.
"Well, he is," He said. "So, I'll just let him. Don't tell me it doesn't matter to you at all whether he leaves in the middle of auditions or not? He just doesn't get it what this is about."
"No Max! It seems you don't get it," Roger said, causing Max to give him a look of confusion mixed with rising anger. "After what you told us yesterday you shouldn't return to that defiant self of yours but actually try to set things right."
Max held his breath and in the flash of a second got up from his chair, pushing a stunned Roger outside the hall into a small dressing room besides the stage.
"How dare you saying something like that for everyone to hear," He hissed as soon as he'd closed the door. "Have you lost your mind completely?"
But Roger just grinned. "So what's the point?" He asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Heaven's Max! Do I really have to explain this? If you are in love, then why do you hide it?"
Max felt his face getting hot. Why did this made him feel embarrassed after all? In a way Roger was right. But he just didn't want anyone to know. He wouldn't even have told his director if he hadn't been 'forced' to do so.
"Roger, I swear if you tell anyone I'll kill you or so God help me," he croaked.
"Don't you worry too much about that," Roger said shaking his head slightly. "I won't. And in case you're planning to threaten Carmen as well, he won't say a word too."
What a relief. But what was this about then?
"But let me ask you one thing. If you spent so much effort in breaking them up, why don't you set things right?"
"Because...," Max hesitated. This was hard to explain. He took a deep breath. "Because...well..."
"Don't you know?" Roger raised his eyebrows.
God damn it! Yes! He didn't actually know. He didn't even know why this bothered him so much. After all no one can choose whom he falls for, right? But admitting it felt just too strange. This wasn't him. Not at all. Max could slap himself for allowing these kinds of feeling at all. He swore not to let anything like that happen ever again. There was too much at stake. Not only their friendship, but also his reputation. Someone like him couldn't just step in front of people proclaiming he turned gay all of a sudden. He even shuddered thinking about this. And he figured speaking it out loud would be hell. No there was no way he could do it.
Plus, he was afraid of Leo's reaction. He obviously was still desperate to get Ulla back. And who could blame him? He was a young good-looking man and deserved to be happy. There was nothing Max could offer him at all. And losing the little bit he owned of his partner was the thing he dreaded most of all. So why risking it? After all it worked out fine until now. It surely could be the way it was again as soon as Leo got over that swedish slut. And Max would just clutter himself up with work until he would nip these emotions in the bud.
"I...I didn't realize myself back when," he answered. "I didn't know what I was doing."
"Hm, I see," Roger said. "You realized too late..."
"I would change it if I could, believe me."
Wow! Max was surprised by that sudden wave of honesty coming from himself. He didn't plan to say it. But it was the truth.
"Well, you should definitely try to find a way to live with it," Roger answered.
"What do you mean?"
"You cannot suffocate it," Roger looked him straight in the eyes and it felt like being stabbed all of a sudden. "Believe me. You can either accept it or run from it."
"In that case I'd run!" Max answered dryly.
"I thought you'd say that," The taller man grinned. "But well, that's exactly why this not-talking nonsense must stop. Sooner or later people will suspect anything. And Leo will..."
"You think?" God! Why did this notion make him feel that insecure? All Roger wanted to accomplish is seeing him crying his heart out to find Leo denying him, right? Although thinking about it, Roger never did anything like that. In fact he never did any harm to Max at all. Not like he'd done a thousand times.
"Carmen is taking him to Ulla right now," He heard Roger say.
"What?" Max didn't believe what he was hearing. "Why?"
"So he'll find the answer to whatever he is questioning. There's no way around it. He needs to talk to her."
"Why are you helping me? Carmen hates me..."
Roger nodded. "Yes, but he doesn't hate Leo. And if it helps you two to get along again it's very well worth it."
Maybe he was right. Maybe Leo had to get his heart broken again to realize this woman meant no good for him. And then maybe things had a chance to get back to how they were.
So, Max nodded.
"I am sorry," He said, looking down. "I know this shouldn't have happened...Is there something wrong with me?"
He tried hard to smile, but it was even harder to do. To his surprise Roger put his hand compassionately on his shoulder.
"Yes," he answered quietly and smiled at him. "But it's the same thing that's wrong with all of us!"
He wouldn't say anything more and just led Max to the door again. But before he opened it again, he stopped Max once more.
"You know, there is one chance he won't deny you," he almost whispered. "It is tiny, of course. But it still is a chance..."
But Max shook his head. "I won't tell him," He said.
"I see," Roger smiled, staring into space. "You're not the risky type of guy then?"
"No," Max answered, looking sincere. "But I am not a backup plan, and definitely not a second choice!"
Thus did he leave a bewildered Roger alone without paying any more attention to him.
It took Roger quite a moment to grasp what he just heard. And that realization almost made him laugh with joy.
"Who would have thought that?" He asked himself, giggling. "After all those years he finally loves someone and just like everyone is afraid of getting hurt more than anything else."
….
Leo swallowed hard. He didn't think Carmen would lead him to Ulla right away.
They were standing in front of that hotel room for an eternity now. Leo had his hand raised to knock on her door but it was just like someone was holding him back. He just couldn't do it. A million doubts jumped into his mind. Was this really a good idea? She didn't want him back. And as hard as he had pretended he didn't want to start that chapter anew, he simply had to admit he secretly wished for it.
Carmen stood next to him, watching him closely.
"Go on," he whispered. "I am here. I promise I won't go away. I'll wait right here."
Leo nodded shortly and then timidly knocked on that door.
He heard that well-known voice of her asking him to come in. He cast one last look at Carmen, who nodded approvingly and entered that room.
Carefully he closed the door behind himself.
Ulla was welcoming him exuberantly. He never knew her otherwise. There was hardly a time she went mad or grumpy. He'd always blamed it on her lack of understanding everything perfectly.
She almost flew towards him and flung her arms around him. Leo was surprised how strange that felt, even though everything was way too familiar. Her looks, her voice, her smell...Just everything.
"Leo," She cooed. "Ulla happy to see you."
"It's nice to see you too," he croaked, having troubles to find his proper voice all of a sudden. Why was he here? It confused him deeply to ask that question, even though it was only in his head. What did he want from her? Suddenly he didn't remember anything. It had something to do with...making it up to her. Right!
But just as he wanted to say anything, Ulla started again.
"Ulla knew Leo vould come and say sorry," she almost sang.
"Yes...Well, I...," he stopped. "What?"
"Nasty things this vere Leo accused Ulla with," she continued and pouted her mouth. She tried to look innocent shortly after that and put on er most girlish smile.
"Apologize?"
"Ya," she said. "Ulla knew Leo never really meant her cheating on him. That's vhat Leo was angry about and left, vasn't it?"
"I...No!" Leo said shocked. "You did after all cheat on me!"
How could she say something like that? He'd caught her in the act. With that dancer. And then she told him she wanted to go on tour with him and he was only in his way. He remembered clearly. She moved out of their apartment that exact evening.
"Oooh such old things," she said, turning to him once more. She stepped closer and flung her arms around his neck. He felt uncomfortable with it. She was being too close. Way too close.
Funny. Why did this bother him that much all of a sudden?
"After all, my sweetheart," she continued. "You vere cheating as well. So, vhy not forget about it?"
She bend forward trying to kiss him, but Leo backed away looking at her wide-eyed. Max had been right...
"I never once...," he started, but she was faster.
"Vhat about all that talk about Max," she asked. "Making Ulla jealous all the time..."
"What?"
"Leaving Rio because of him. And then you vent to jail and after coming back to wife all you did vas running to Max every day again. Leo never talked to Ulla anymore," she explained. "And then blaming Ulla... Vhere Leo has been the meanie..."
Leo didn't believe his ears. She was standing there in front of him turning everything around. She was the one who cheated. Max had suggested it a hundred times. And he never wanted to hear it. He never even wanted to check. And he had been right.
Leo remembered the moment he caught her with that dancer. His whole world shattered in an instance. And Max tried to warn him.
So how could she dare to turn him into the villain here? Talking about Max wasn't betrayal. Spending time with him wasn't either. And thinking about him...
Leo gasped. He just noticed he did exactly what she was accusing him of. Even while fighting everything she threw at him he only thought about Max.
It felt almost as if he was about to break down. Wide-eyed he looked at her, not able to say yet another word. She was right. She! Was! Right!
Leo felt his breath getting faster and his heart starting to pound.
He never cared for her anymore. She had been fine aside him, but she never had been the most important person in his life. She had been supposed to...
What did this mean? That question echoed through his head and it almost made it burst. An unknown pain pierced through his body all of a sudden.
If she was right all along... If she...
No! This couldn't be...
Leo felt a panic arising inside of him. Ulla tried to calm him down and wanted to hold him once more, but he backed away again almost falling over.
"Don't!" he managed to stutter... He looked at her in panic and she held his gaze.
He felt he could not bare that stare. He got up as quickly as he could and almost flew out of the door.
Carmen, still standing next to it, saw him rushing by but wasn't fast enough to stop him.
He turned and looked into the puzzled face of Ulla, who was left behind in the door frame.
"What happened?" he asked.
Ulla shrugged. "Ulla didn't do anything."
…...
"He did run, huh?"
Max was surprisingly calm when Carmen and Roger told him. He'd expected something like that. Leo had never been really good with facing emotional situations. And since neither of them could tell him what happened exactly he only assumed it had to do with seeing Ulla again. Maybe he did face too much of emotional pain which came up. And maybe he wasn't really over their 'splitting up' yet.
"Are you gonna do anything?" Carmen asked earnestly.
"Why should I?" Max answered, looking at the slender man. "It was your idea to bring him there. He's probably sitting in his apartment crying his heart out right now. He'll get over it... Just give him a few days."
Carmen was furious. Roger held him back before he could say anything he might regretted. And Max knew. He saw it too, but there was no other way he could react. So, he turned and sorted some of his papers as if nothing had happened.
"Alright, Max! Your choice," Carmen said. "But believe me, if he suffers because of you then you'll have me to content with! So you better not dare!"
Then Carmen turned leaving him with Roger, who only looked at him incomprehensible.
"He's got a point, you know," Roger simply said before he started to run after his partner.
Max shrugged. What did they know? He told them before he wasn't gonna tell him. So, if Leo chose to face Ulla again it was his decision. The fact he got hurt was his own fault as well.
And if he indeed was bawling his eyes out just now he probably needed anything but Max to tell him he said so.
Max sighed. Poor Leo. He never wished for him having to live through this again. That's what he wanted to prevent him for. Nothing ever turned out to last forever and most certainly no love was meant to last. He knew. Life taught him. And if Leo had to learn it the hard way as well, so be it.
He only wished for him to be okay...
….
That thought didn't let go of him until the evening. When he sat in his office again, still brooding over papers and tons of actor's CV's.
He moaned and rested his head for a moment on his hands, slowly rubbing his eyes. This sure would work so much better if that little bastard he called his mind didn't distract him him all the time.
"Oh, come on now," he thought. "There are other things to focus on than worrying about that kid..."
But deep within he knew he was only trying to fool himself. He wanted to work. Working, after all, helped changing his thoughts...even if only for a few more minutes. There was no way he could think of any sleep. He knew exactly the soon he tried to rest, all these dark thoughts would find their way to his head again.
Max sighed once more, turning to the french-windows and simply staring outside.
This was unbelievably hard.
If only he was able to change this damn feeling of guilt inside somehow.
Why did Leo have to cause this all of a sudden anyway? It wasn't there before.
Or maybe it was? He couldn't tell for sure. Maybe, he simply didn't notice. Or maybe he was slowly losing his mind. Either way, he wanted to get rid of these feelings growing stronger inside of him. They never caused any good in his life and this was doomed to not be an exception. So, why bother about it? All he had to do is finding the switch to turn it off.
Only he never experienced it being so hard to do before...
What the...! Max shook his head. Why was he thinking such a nonsense? This just proved he needed to sleep; needed some rest.
"I am not myself. That's all," he said more to himself.
But then he raised his head rapidly as a timid knock on his door stabbed the deafening silence around him.
He listened for a second. There was nothing anymore. Maybe he had imagined it. After all, it was way past midnight.
Max slowly shook his head, looking at huge piles of paper works on his desk once more.
"That's really it," he thought.
But then, there was a second knock. He wasn't imagining it.
Hesitantly, Max moved towards the door. He didn't expect anyone at this time and opened the door haltingly. But all his suspicion and wondering was blown away within seconds. He felt his face change into a desperate expression when he looked into Leo's red face. He was soaking wet, which told Max it must have been raining outside and he was obviously freezing. His brown hair clutched his face in long thin strands and Max felt a wave of compassion coming over him when he looked into the red eyes of the younger man. Had he been crying? All the signs were there...
"I...," Leo started slowly, but stopped as if he didn't know what to say. Then he took a deep breath. "Could I stay here for a few days?"
Max could barely hear his voice at all but he understood perfectly.
And without wasting another thought about it, he stepped forward, taking Leo into his arms and holding him tight. And even though Leo didn't say a word, Max was certain tears were running down his face once more as he simply hugged him back.
He didn't know what to say nor did it really matter whether any of them spoke or not. They simply stood there and somehow Max wished this moment would never end.
And just as he reminded himself of abandoning this 'something' he felt inside, he heard Leo's croaking voice again:
"You were right all along...!"
The end
