II. Vicious Circle
April 29, 2011
Bella
"Did you wake Tanya up, yet?"
I bit into my piece of toast, slowly chewing in hopes that my easily distracted mother would grow bored and move onto another subject. Of course I hadn't woken Tanya up. She didn't like it when I woke her up on normal days; I couldn't imagine how furious she would be if the first thing she woke up to today was me.
I was the Reminder.
"Isabella, I'm talking to you," Renee snapped. While this day was particularly worse for Tanya, no one could deny the effects it also had on my mother. The normally carefree and spirited woman awoke with a short temper and bitter attitude. Combined with the fights she had been having with Charlie for the past few months, she was only a few steps away from being as unbearable as Tanya. I couldn't blame her, though. Tanya may have lost her parents, but Renee lost a sister, too.
I remained silent. I was never really sure exactly how to maneuver over the eggshells, so I just concluded that I wouldn't hurt anybody if I didn't say a word. I only wished that I could have followed my advice that night, before I abruptly and unknowingly broke the news to Tanya. It was no wonder why she hated me.
Renee carried on, "I have to work the evening shift, so I won't be able to go with Tanya to the cemetery after she gets home from school. I don't want her up there all by herself, so I want you to go with her in my place."
I took another bite, wondering how to rationally explain why her plan was a potential disaster.
But moommm, I'll be the one six feet under if I even attempt to look at Tanya today.
It was true, but it was too much of a whiny teenager move to work on my parents. In my entire seventeen years of existence, my parents rarely surprised me. If there was one good thing that I could say about my parents, it was that they were predictable. I knew that they would tell me to grow up and force me to go with Tanya anyway because she "needed my support". Yeah right, more like she needed a punching bag. If I wanted to avoid accompanying Tanya, I needed to sound mature. I needed to sound rational. I needed to sound confident.
I cleared my throat, but only managed to whisper, "I d-don't think t-that's s-such a good i-idea." I sighed. A guinea pig has more confidence than me. When no one is around, I think I'll start practicing my panic squeals. At least I'll have an unlimited supply of carrots. Maybe I'll finally lose some weight.
Cold eyes turned to glare at me, "And why not?"
Because she blames me.
I refused to look up at her distant eyes, didn't want to see the desolation lurking behind them, didn't want to see the hate that she tried so hard to keep hidden behind distance and a mask of indifferent coldness.
I think that maybe you blame me, too.
Renee sighed in aggravation, "Will you stop feeding your fat face for two damn seconds and answer me, Isabella." I dropped my toast, biting the inside of my cheek as she continued, "It's been eight years and you haven't been to their gravesite one time." She turned around and placed her hands on the kitchen counter, refusing to face me. For some reason, I felt a tiny little stab in my chest. It shouldn't have hurt me that my own mother couldn't look at me; I was used to people ignoring the silent lump in the corner. I watched as she ran her hands though her hair, her shoulders sagging in defeat, maybe even a little disappointment, too. "I think that it's time for you to get over whatever childish thing is going through your head and go pay your respects to your aunt and uncle. It's long overdue, don't you think?"
I dug my nails into my wrist. It didn't hurt. I had bitten the points down to their nubs.
"I don't know who you think you're talking to, but don't you be taking that tone with my daughter." I turned to see Charlie walking downstairs in his uniform and a gush of wind escaped my lungs in relief. Funny, I hadn't even known that I'd been holding my breath. Maybe if he hadn't come downstairs so soon I would have passed out from the lack of oxygen. Sure, I probably would have gotten a big bump on the back of my head after collapsing to the ground, but at least I wouldn't have to deal with the mess of today if I was unconscious.
"This is none of your business, Charles," Renee slammed her spatula down, "All I asked Isabella was if she had woken Tanya up, but she's been ignoring me all damn morning."
I cowered, sinking down into my chair as I waited for the inevitable fight.
"Tanya's a big girl. It's time that she learns how to set her own alarm clock and wake herself up."
My mother glared at my father. Well, at least it wasn't me that she was fighting with. Maybe if I was a better daughter, or maybe if I wasn't such a coward, I would have tried to deescalate the situation, but I wasn't a good daughter, and I certainly wasn't brave either. Good daughters didn't receive looks hatred and heartache from her parents when they thought that she wasn't looking. Brave people didn't cower away in a silent corner with the intention of leaving as little of a footprint on the world as possible. If only I wasn't so fat, my footprint really would be the size of a guinea pig.
Renee sneered, "She does set her alarm clock, but she's a heavy sleeper and can't hear it. Maybe if you weren't so cheap, we could buy her a decent alarm clock that's loud enough to wake her."
Oh no, not the money troubles…
I cringed, sinking down even further in my chair to the point where my chin was on level with my plate of toast. If I wasn't frozen in fear, I would have leaned forward and continued eating. Stupid confrontation. It was going to force me to eat cold, butter-soggy toast.
"Maybe if you actually had a job and stopped depending on me for money, we wouldn't have to be so cheap," he glared at her, "Or better yet, maybe if you stopped buying those expensive designer clothes and purses and other unnecessary shit, we would have money to spend on things that we actually need. We wouldn't be three months behind on rent!"
A bitter and cold laugh echoed throughout the room, bouncing from each hallow and plain white wall. "Sure, blame it all on me. Excuse me for actually giving a damn about what I look like. I guess I'll just buy clothes from Wal-Mart and look like trailer trash from now on. Let's completely overlook the fact that maybe if you didn't piss away half of your paycheck on booze, money might not be so tight around here. You know what? Just forget it. I'm done. I'll go wake Tanya up myself."
I watched with wide eyes as she stormed up the stairs. If I was her, I wouldn't take such heavy steps. The old floor built in the seventies was starting to sag and it wouldn't take much to break through. If the stairs did fall though, where would my mother go? It wasn't like we had a basement for her to crash into. She would fall onto the cold and damp, grassy earth just like…
I nibbled on my fingers, digging into flesh due to my fingernail shortage.
I wondered if my mother was making a dig at me. Some of my favorite and most comfy clothes were from Wal-Mart. What about my clothes from the thrift store- was that another tally under the trash category for me? I mean, the store was called Vintage Thriftway, and vintage is fashionable, right?
"Don't worry about your mother, kiddo. It's going to be a rough day, that's all." I glanced up at Charlie, seeing him force a smile under the guise of reassurance, "I can see the worry written all over your face. I swear, if you keep going at the rate that you're going, I think you might be the youngest person to ever suffer from a heart attack."
Heart attack.
Death.
Two coffins buried six feet under the muddy and soggy earth at Forks Cemetery.
It was a poor joke made on an awful day, but as the sound of a can popping open echoed through the kitchen, I realized why my father didn't notice his mistake.
I narrowed my eyes at the silver and crimson can. "How many does that make for you today?" I would have narrowed my eyes at Charlie, too, but I wasn't much for eye contact these days. Eyes were expressive. Eyes conveyed guarded emotions, vindictive thoughts, haunting pain, and most commonly, silent accusations. Over the years, I came to the conclusion that ignorance truly is bliss and never bothered looking into my family's, or anyone else's for that matter, eyes.
He chugged nearly half of the contents of his beer before replying, "I came down earlier to have a few before the day started. I figured that I would need them for today." He took another deep gulp, "Looks like I was right, too."
I sighed, wishing that Charlie wouldn't drink so much. He came from a family of traditional military leaders. To him, emotion was the enemy. Expressing grief was weakness. Tears were the Devil. After that night, sorrow and grief swarmed through our lives, taking Charlie by storm and drowning him in depression. He was the strong shoulder that everyone could cry on for the first few months, and even though he tried so hard to bat away any semblance of a threat to his emotional distance, eventually his haphazardly-built dam collapsed. What better way is there to ignore the pain prodding at your heart by drinking until it numbed into a dull, hollow ache? It was a natural human response to drink in response to pain. And Charlie was only human, not some cold and unfeeling robot, regardless of how hard he tried to be one.
"So what's bugging you, kid? You look even more antsy than usual." He downed the remaining contents of his beer before crushing it. He immediately rose in search of another one.
For some unknown reason, tears began to form in my eyes as a scorching lump climbed and lodged in my throat. I couldn't believe how drastically my family had changed over the years. People changed, I knew that. All living organism changed, but I never expected this kind of change. We used to be happy. We used to be close. We used to be a decent family.
Now we were just awful roommates forced together under the same downtrodden roof.
I plucked at the loose flesh on my thumb that I had bitten. "Mom wants me to go to the cemetery with Tanya."
Charlie nodded, "Might be good for you, you know?"
I wanted to glare at him, but I knew better. Charlie wasn't a particularly mean drunk, but his drinking certainly destroyed his patience and bedside manners. It didn't take much to set Charlie off into an angry, tyrannical rant in which he spewed hatred and insults at you. Renee and Tanya experienced that side of him frequently. Luckily, I never had. Probably because I was an invisible doormat most of the time.
I sighed, "But I don't… I don't want to go." I took another vicious chunk out of my thumb, gagging as the taste of rust invaded my senses. I sighed. This was the third time this week that I had drawn blood. Even though I hated the crimson bodily fluid, I was becoming a bit desensitized to it. I still wasn't quite sure whether that was good or not.
"Tanya is…" I trailed off, wondering how to delicately explain my predicament, but realizing that it wasn't really possible unless I explained all of the emotional trauma that was bound so intricately into our lives. If I even attempted to initiate a sob story though, Charlie would surely snap into one of his moods. Obviously if he ignored his own feelings, he wouldn't care about someone else's. "It's just…I don't want to go to the cemetery. I don't like it because…" Lie! "-because it's creepy." I glanced up at Charlie, seeing that he wasn't very convinced, so I tacked on, "And even if I did want to go, I certainly wouldn't go with Tanya. She's… unbearable."
"Well it's nice to hear that I'm such a big fucking problem for you, Belly," I spun around to find Tanya in the doorway sneering at me.
Hello shit, please meet my dear old friend, fan.
My eyes widened, my mouth gaping open, attempting to profusely spew out an apology. I grew aggravated when nothing but stutters and unintelligible babble came out. I glowered, hating that I was such an idiot, but then I realized that I was still staring at Tanya, making it seem like my self-hatred glare was directed at her. I glanced down at the table, wondering if I could smack my head against it a few times. It wasn't like my moronic brain had anything to lose.
"You know what? Fuck you, smelly Belly. Did you wash under your fat rolls this morning? I'm tired of having to inhale your sweaty stench every morning."
"Tanya, watch your mouth," my mother admonished from the bottom of the stairs.
If I wasn't so mortified, I would have laughed at her. Just this morning she had told me to stop stuffing my fat cheeks. Maybe it was only okay for her to insult me. Maybe I was her own personal verbal punching bag and she had to defend her territory before someone else wore me down first.
"Don't tell me what to do, auntie."
As if the argument between Renee and Tanya wasn't bad enough, Charlie was emboldened by his liquid tonic. "Goddamned it, you see this shit, Renee? You're the reason she's such a disrespectful little brat. You always let her have her way and now she thinks that it's okay to speak to us anyway she wants to." He turned towards Tanya, "Listen up you little snot, if you don't straighten up and fix your ways, you're going to be shipped off to a boarding school."
"Oh yeah?" She sneered at him, "And how, exactly, do you plan on paying for this boarding school?"
I began frantically glancing around, searching for any form of cover. Charlie hated when his money troubles were thrown into his face. It emasculated him knowing that he couldn't provide for his family like a true gentleman. The way we lived went against everything he had ever known, everything that his well-respected father and grandfather had taught him.
"You bitch," I sunk into my chair, closing my eyes as I pretended that I was the one being shipped off to the peaceful boarding school far, far away, "After everything that we've done for you, you have the nerve to say that? You'd be in jail right now if it wasn't for us. I've lost track of how many times we've had to bail you out of all the trouble you get into!"
"It's only been five times. Unlike you, I'm actually sober enough to remember." I glanced up at Tanya, noticing her glassy and bloodshot eyes. Sober? Yeah, she was most certainly not. It would only be a few more moments before the smoke drifted out into the hall, the smell finally alerting my parents to the fact that she was high yet again.
And another argument would ensue.
Renee was the closest to the stairs, so the scent reached her first and she took a few whiffs of the air. I prepared myself for more yelling, but was surprised when a rare moment of silence soothed my wounded and innocent by-standing ears caught in the middle of the battlefield.
"Something wrong, Renee?" Because drinking dulled the senses, it was rare for Charlie to be the first one to catch Tanya in the act. It was always Renee who alerted him of her misbehavior. I certainly wasn't going to do it, not while I still slightly valued my life. Tanya would smother me with a pillow if she discovered that I had snitched on her.
Actually, if she was feeling particularly vindictive, she would probably run me over with a Mack truck.
I glanced up in time to see Renee shaking her head. She remained silent. Even though I swore to never do it, I glanced into her eyes. She seemed disappointed and weary, but a hint of understanding was laced beneath. I covered my mouth to conceal my gasp, completely shocked that she hadn't ratted Tanya out. Maybe it was because my mother understood what we were all going through, and she understood that Tanya was only in search of a way to numb the searing and persistent pain, just like Charlie with his beer. Even though she was sometimes the cause of our pain, it was only because she was acting in response to her own. Our family was a vicious circle, each of us lashing out at others in attempt to lessen our own pain, but by hurting others, their identical response was lash out in turn, returning the pain back to us. We couldn't escape it. We never would.
Tanya scoffed, "Whatever. If you two are done bitching at me now, I'm going to school to get my education that you two are so keen on me getting." As she snatched her bag off the floor, she muttered, "Not like I'm smart enough to get into college anyway."
The front door slammed, and even though I knew that Tanya was going to do it, I still jumped. I sighed. I really was a coward.
(…)
I glanced down at my chicken nuggets. They were slightly cold, but as far as cafeteria food went, they were pretty good. It was certainly an improvement from the TV dinners served at home. I smothered a tyrannosaurus-shaped nugget in ketchup, absently wondering why high school students were fed animal-shaped food like preschoolers. Maybe because they possessed the same level of maturity.
Will you stop feeding your fat face for two damn seconds?
I froze.
Fuck you, smelly Belly. Did you wash under your fat rolls this morning?
I dropped my nugget, shoving the offending tray away from me. As I glared at the food, I shot a glance at Tanya across the room. A frustrated sigh escaped my lips. I wasn't going to let her affect me and I especially wasn't going to let her affect the way that I ate. I liked my food. Food tasted amazing and it made me happy. It was comforting and it didn't criticize or yell at me. It didn't talk back and wait for me to stutter out a hesitant response while I searched for the right people-pleasing words, only to judge me on my many imperfections once I turned my back. Food was a stark contrast from everything else in my life. I could trust food. Food was always there when I needed it. Food was actually the only semblance of a friend that I had.
As I stuffed my face with a vengeance, I continued to glare at Tanya. I didn't even care if she turned my way and caught me staring. Nope, I didn't care one bit.
Yeah, right. You'll spin around so fast that loose papers will go shooting across the room. And then you'll apologize to the students whose homework you just sent flying away like the good little doormat that you are.
"Whoa, what did T-Rex do to piss you off so much?"
I stopped chewing, but was too frozen in shock to swallow the massive chunks of chicken nuggets in my cheeks. And here I was thinking that I was a cowardly guinea pig, but I'm actually a fat, food-storing hamster.
I slowly turned to find two emerald orbs glancing curiously at me.
Swallow, you moron!
A dry ball of poultry slithered down my throat as I blindly felt around for my soda. For some reason, I didn't want to look away in fear that he would be gone once I turned back.
"Edward. Freaking. Cullen."
I wished I wasn't so clumsy. I was convinced that I must have rolled down a flight of stairs as a kid and slammed my head against the wall during the entire flight down. It was really the only explanation for my stupidity. Why the hell did I just wheeze out his name like some horny teenage fangirl?
He chuckled, so I assumed that I hadn't creeped him out too much. Or maybe he was just better at hiding his emotions than most of the people that I knew. "Hello to you too, Bella Freaking Swan."
I flushed, awkwardly glancing around. I had never actually spoken to Edward before, and regardless of how attractive he was, I wanted to keep it that way. The green-eyed Adonis should never have to be in the presence of my disastrous socially awkward behavior. Why was he here, anyway? My eyes traveled across the cafeteria, landing on Tanya. Of course. I sighed, knowing that he was only going to ask me where my cousin was. Unlike sitting by the window like usual, she had relocated to an isolated corner. He probably couldn't find her and thought that I would know where she was.
For some reason, disappointment dragged down my features. I tried to hide it, though. Why did I care, anyway? I liked being alone and away from the judgmental stares of people that you couldn't trust or depend on. I tried to imitate my previous expression, hoping that he hadn't noticed my decline in mood. "Tanya's sitting over there." I pointed him over to the dark corner, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Of course she would choose the dark and melancholy seat today. How cliché.
He nodded, but didn't move away like I had expected, "I know. I saw her on my way in here."
I could feel my eyes narrow in confusion. So then, what did he want? Even though I had limited interaction with people, I was at least aware of society's rules and it seemed a little rude to ask him why he was interrupting my pig fest. I wanted to continue eating, but I couldn't with his eyes on me. It was obvious that I ate, one look at me could tell anyone that, but I just didn't want him to further witness how disgusting I actually was. I cleared my throat, "So, um, did you n-need something?"
"Not really," he shook his head with a shrug, "I just wanted to talk with you."
I stiffened.
Something bad was about to happen. People didn't just stop to talk to Smelly Belly with the Stinky Swan's Bird, especially not people like Edward Cullen. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone and spew a few swear words at him, give him an ounce of the hate that I received every single day of my existence before confidently striding away.
But I couldn't.
My lips clamped shut and refused to open in fear that I would offend the beautiful creature before me. Porcelain skin. Eyes that glimmered in shades ranging from emerald to jade. Bronze locks of hair that sparkled in the sun, showcasing copper highlights. Fit and trim muscles lurking beneath his designer clothes.
I was the grotesque contrast. Pasty flesh. Murky mud-colored eyes sinking into the dark circles beneath like quicksand. Flat and lifeless brown hair falling limp down my back. Piles of fat bulging out of secondhand clothes littered in rips and tears. Standing next to Edward, I felt even more self-conscious than usual, even though I didn't think that it was possible for my self-esteem to receive further damage.
"I was just thinking about how even though I see you so much, I don't really know anything about you," I glanced at him with a look of both confusion and speculation, but he continued, "I've been over your house so many times, but I've never talked to you before. Never even seen you, really," he chuckled, "It's almost like you keep yourself barricaded up in your room."
That is exactly what I do, thank you. The more time I spend in my room, the less time there is to spend with my awful family.
"You've been to my house?" Tanya was a moron. She knew that no people, especially not boys, were allowed over at our house when Renee and Charlie were away, and trust me when I say that they were away quite often. It was almost like they were always working. With as much time that they spent working, we should have been millionaires.
His eyes widened, obviously realizing that he was caught with no way to recover. "Oh, I-I thought-"
I shook my head, "It's fine. I'm not going to snitch or anything." I couldn't believe that I had been oblivious to the fact that Edward had been in my house. If Tanya could be that sneaky with a guy, why couldn't she pull off the same with her drug use? It was almost like she wanted to get caught, like she wanted the attention.
A lazy smirk graced his features, "That's pretty nice of you to do, Bella."
"It's Isabella," I bit back in irritation. It was probably the closest emotion I would ever feel to anger; cowards didn't get angry- anger ran the risk of confrontation, which is most certainly something that I avoided at all costs. How dare he call me by that nickname that my parents had given me from when we were actually happy together? It was one of the few good memories I had with them; I wasn't about to allow him to taint that.
"Oh, sorry about that," he took a seat beside me and I stiffened in response. He was too close. No one got that close to me anymore, physically or emotionally. I tried to discreetly distance myself, but who was I kidding? A fat hippo can never silently move across the field without alerting the blood hungry lions.
As I scooted my chair to the edge of our table, the metal legs screeched across the linoleum. Edward quirked an eyebrow, but thankfully remained silent.
Too bad his followers didn't have the same response.
"What's the matter, smelly belly? You think you're too good for Edward?" I really had to thank Tanya for spreading that nickname around school.
Victoria Howard. I wasn't exactly sure why she despised me, considering I had never spoken two words to her, but I had the sneaking suspicion that if she ever got the opportunity, she would slowly end my life in tortuous agony by ripping off my limbs and burning them into black ash. I kept my eyes glued to the white table that appeared gray because of the coat of dust covering it. It was disgusting, especially considering how some kids ate dropped food directly off of these table. My mouth wrinkled in distaste.
"Who the fuck do you think you're making that face at?"
Me and my stupid facial expressions. I was just going to start wearing a bag over my head. It would not only prevent people from misinterpreting my expressions, but also shield innocent people from my hideousness. Or maybe it was a better idea to cover my head with a pillow because I was almost certain that Victoria was going to punch me.
Edward suddenly rose, striding over to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. "Vicky, have I told you how sexy you look today?"
It was like I didn't exist anymore. Her cheeks tinted with a cute blush and she nibbled on her bottom lip, emitting a nervous giggle, "Oh, well, this is just a new dress that I decided to throw on this morning." She glanced up at him with hesitant eyes. "Do you really like it?" He nods. She beams. If I hadn't just witnessed her vicious attack on me not even a second ago, I would have thought that she was the sweetest girl in school.
He pressed his lips against her ear, whispering something, and then they headed for the exit without another word or glance at me.
Just like always.
