Chapter 2: "I Got Nothing."
Ben Matlock took in a deep breath of his cigar smoke. He normally didn't smoke this time off day but this was an exception. After the events in the dining room it was already 8:45 so Matlock had decided to retire for the evening. The family had decided to declare the girl's death as suicide so they gave her a burial at sea and decided never to speak of her again. Ben thought more about the blood stained rug and while staring at the wafting smoke, drifted off into a deep sleep.
DJ Tanner took another hit from the joint. She normally didn't get high this time of day but this was an exception. DJ thought about everything that had happened; being in Hawaii, meeting Harvey, doing Harvey, discovering Harvey was cheating on his girlfriend. Shit. As she was taking another hit there was a knock at the door.
"Go away Harvey we have nothing to talk about!"
The knocking continued. DJ opened the door.
It was the little girl from before, her name was Michelle, but she wasn't alone. The cat named Salem was with her. As Ben Matlock as about to shut the door in their faces he realized they were already sitting on his bed. Damn Kids.
"What do you want?" Matlock demanded, "It's almost 9:30."
"Mistuh my sistuh is acting stwange, she keeps tewwing me to go away so I came to pway with you and I bwought my new kitty, wook he tawks."
"Please sir do you have any food! I'm so hungry and Sabrina's being a teenage bitch so she won't fee-"
"Ohhh be quiet cat, and you two get out of here, I'm trying to sleep!" said Matlock. The tired old man picked up both of the intruders and carried them to the door. As he opened the door there was a piercing scream from down the hall. The three of them ran to the scene, Danny Tanner was passed out in the hall in front of an open door. Inside the room the three saw a grisly sight. There was DJ, dead, hanging from the ceiling. The last horrific moments of her life were etched across her face in sorrow.
Exactly like before a crowd gathered comprised of the rest of the Tanner Family, Sabrina, and Dr. House, strangely Harvey was not present. Dr. House approached the body and checked her pulse. The pressure was enough to snap the tie she hung from and she fell with a sickening thud to the floor.
"That's why women can't wear ties." said House.
As everyone laughed Matlock began to investigate the scene. The floor was spotless. When a person dies they usually evacuate their bowels and even though DJ was wearing a skirt the floor was spotless. Matlock remembered that Michelle had been talking to DJ before she died.
"Little Girl how long ago did you speak to your sister?" asked Matlock like the badass detective he was.
"I wemembuh ut was nine a cwock. She kept saying over and over weave me awone, weave me awone."
Ben began to pace the room. The spotless floor bothered him, and the room stank of bleach. He inspected the tie and discovered a tie tak. It was golden with a small picture. It was the logo for Hoover Vacuums. Holding up the tak Matlock asked a bold and genius question.
"Does anyone recognize this tak?"
Joey Gladstone stepped forward and said in a mocking British accent.
"By Jove Holmes that's the same tie tak Danny's wife gave him before she was hit by that drunk automobile driver! What? Pip pip! I deduce Danny murdered this bird out of his hatred for that bloke! Pip pip!"
Matlock glared at Joey. He could just kill this dumbass. His Murder train of thought was cut short by Elvis.
"C'mon Joey, DJ obviously hung herself when she found out that one guy was cheating on that one babe."
"On the contrary!" interrupted Matlock, "I believe that is what the killer would like us to think, but observe how clean the floor is, how would the floor get cleaned if this was suicide? Add that to the fact that Danny's tie was the weapon and that he was already at the scene of the crime when we arrived. We already know Mr. Tanner is an obsessively clean man. I would agree that Danny is the murderer and could not help but bleach the room."
The room was silent. Was this man God? How did he know everything? He's Brilliant! These were the thoughts that crossed everyone's minds. Everyone clapped and there were cheers and high fives. They chained the still unconscious Danny's arms and legs together and drug him up onto the poop deck. They awoke Danny by splashing hot bleach in his face. He began to scream and beg for mercy from the executioners. Then, realizing he would get none said two words to his former friends.
"Fuck Yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"
Joey and Jesse, hurled Danny Tanner over the railing and into sweet Neptune's embrace. The boat's engine gave a slight shudder as Danny was sucked into the propellers and the sea ran red.
"Sayonara, Bob Faggot", said Joey Gladstone. Unfortunately no one was present to here his funniest joke.
Matlock sat at the crime scene. Another case closed. He smiled an as he was leaving the room saw something that made his blood run cold. Matlock only said two words.
"Oh shi-."
