DROP DEAD, GORGEOUS

Genre – Romance/Drama/Humor/Erotica

Style – AU

Rating – M (for now)

Main Pairing – Undecided

000

Pairing Chart:

Slight NaruSaku = the romance/sexual tension is so miniscule it would be safer to say it's just two people interacting with the occasional spark.

Light NaruSaku = the romance/sexual tension is there, but it's still faint and not entirely consciously acted upon.

Moderate NaruSaku = there is definitely something going on there, but is it love, lust, temporary, permanent?

One-sided NaruSaku = the feelings are or appear to be one-sided (duh).

Mentions of NaruSaku = something has happened between them in the past.

Dubious NaruSaku = is there something going on or what?

NaruSaku = there is absolutely something going on between them, but will it last?

000

Chapter Pairings – (Slight) NaruSaku, (One-sided) NaruSasu, (One-sided) SakuSasu, (Slight) NejiSaku

Chapter Warnings – Swearing

Chapter Rating – M

000

Sakura was nervous. She didn't even know why she was nervous. It wasn't even her damn interview. Stupid Naruto. Where was he anyway? Did he get cold feet? Did he get lost on his way to her apartment? Did he not have enough money for a cab? Oh god, she should have loaned him some money. What if he hadn't eaten anything? Sasuke was going to kill her if they were late.

Sakura jumped when the doorbell rang. She sped towards the door and yanked it open. She couldn't prevent the shriek of horror from leaving her mouth if she tried.

"What are you wearing?!" She didn't even know her voice could go that high.

Naruto blinked at her in surprise. He looked down at himself. "Uh, clothes?"

"Are you insane? You can't wear that! We're not going to the beach!" She stared at his clothes. Orange t-shirt, blue shorts, sneakers. "Honestly, this isn't Hawaii!"

"It's summer. The weather's nice." Naruto said weakly, pointing at the sky outside.

"You have a job interview with my boss. You need to put on a suit." Sakura began to panic.

"Uh, that's a problem."

"Why? What are you talking about? Problem, how?"

"Calm down. It's not that bad. I just don't really… own a suit. That's all." Naruto smiled sheepishly. "Didn't think I would need one to be honest."

Sakura wondered if he realized how stupid he sounded. Nope. That had not been a joke. He was serious. For someone who had practically memorized the world map and spoke six languages, he was a moron. She had planned a job interview with her psycho boss for a moron.

"Uh, Sakura? You okay? You look pale."

She could order one online but it would never arrive in time. There were no shops on the way to work. Going downtown would take too much time. Arriving late at a job interview, especially this one, was not an option. They could borrow a suit…

"Neji!"

Naruto jumped. "What?"

"He always keeps spare suits in his office for emergencies. You can borrow one from him. You're about the same size. In the meantime, we need to find something else for you to wear as we go inside the building. You cannot be seen wearing that."

"Why? What's the big deal?"

"Naruto, it's a fashion house. What you wear is kind of important in the fashion industry. Don't touch that!"

Naruto put the picture back on the table and rolled his eyes. "I'm just applying to be a photographer. Not a model."

"Doesn't matter. You still need to look good. My boss will walk right back out the room if she sees you wearing orange." She ran around her apartment, looking for something that would cover up that atrocious t-shirt.

"But it's summer. Orange is a nice summer color, isn't it?" He looked genuinely confused. The poor thing. He had no idea what he had signed himself up for.

"Naruto, take it from me. You do not want to be seen wearing anything you have on right now." She said, picking up a mink coat. "Pink is in this season." She muttered to herself.

"Is that real fur?"

"No, can't afford it." She mumbled before it dawned on her. "Not that I would buy it if I could afford it." She added slowly with a weak giggle. She cringed at her own awkwardness.

Naruto gave her a look that told her he wasn't buying it and he wasn't happy about it. "You know what I think about fur."

Sakura sighed. "The fashion industry is not exactly animal friendly, Naruto. There is going to be a lot of fur and leather and baby lions being torn away from their mothers just so they can pose with a model in a photo that may or may not appear in some magazine somewhere."

"I do not like the sound of that." Naruto said with a frown.

"You told me that you needed a job. I had to endure a lecture from Asian Maleficent to get you a job interview and, from what I heard, you cannot really afford to be picky right now. So do you want this or not."

Naruto hesitated. He looked frustrated. "You're right. It goes against everything I stand for, but I need a job."

Sakura nodded. "Good. Now put this one. It should fit." She threw the mink coat at him.

He caught it out of reflex and stared at it in horror. "You want me to wear this?"

"Yes. Now hurry up or we'll be late." Sakura hissed as she tried to grab her bag and her car keys, put on her shoes and fix her hair at the same time.

"It's neon-pink. And it's hot outside." Naruto held the coat between his fingers as if it were something disgusting. "I'm not wearing this and you can't make me."

"Wear it or you can walk."

"Ah, c'mon, you can't be serious?" He said, looking wide-eyed and pleading which reminded her of a puppy.

"Put it on." She said, managing to keep a straight face. She walked out the door before her determination faltered. Hearing him grumble, she couldn't help but chuckle and hoped he hadn't heard, but when he came out of her apartment wearing her fluffy neon-pink coat she lost it completely. He looked like a giant furby. She tried to tell him that but she was laughing so hard all she could do was point at him and try to breathe.

"This thing is hot and it itches." Naruto glowered at her. "Stop laughing."

"I –I'm…trying!" Sakura wheezed.

"We're going to be late and it'll be your fault."

Sakura nodded and headed to the elevator, still laughing.

000

"For the last time, Naruto, get out of the damn car!" Sakura snapped. She had been arguing with him for over ten minutes. She could see sweat dripping down his forehead and was beginning to worry he might overheat if he stayed in the car.

"No."

"Naruto, please. You can get hyperthermia."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"So get out of the car!"

"No. I'm not walking around in a pink coat for everyone to see."

"Do you honestly think they haven't seen stranger things around here. Last week I saw a fat dude with a beard wearing a Chanel skirt strut into the building like he was the queen of Sheba."

Naruto gave her a weird look. "You're making that up."

"Okay, that's it." Sakura reached inside, grabbed the coat and pulled Naruto onto the street. "Now get inside before you faint. You still need to put on a suit."

"My job interview is in two hours." Naruto said. He was swaying a little though maybe it was her imagination. "And we're already inside the building- whoa…."

Sakura allowed Naruto some time to take in the architectural wonder that was the Uchiha Fashion House entry hall. She could barely remember the first time she stepped inside, but she would never forgot the feeling of wonder and amazement.

Red wood wall panels marked with the Uchiha Clan symbol, yellow marble floors broken in two by an beautifully lit river filled with koi fish, high curved ceiling with embroidered silk sheets hanging from the elegant rafters accompanied by dozens of Japanese paper lamps that seemed to float in the air, large statues of historical fashion icons carved from mahogany, and a massive cherry tree in bloom. Combined with the sound of rushing water, the dim candle lights, the smell of rain in a forest meadow and the gentle whispers of people, it was like walking into a fairy tale.

"This is nice." Naruto sang, looking impressed. His eyes were big and bright with an almost childish admiration. It made him look even more like a furby. She suppressed an un-lady-like snort of amusement. "I was expecting a more modern interior. This surprised me. And the people..."

Sakura sighed. She had been amazed by this place once. She'd spent at least an hour admiring the entry hall alone. She had almost fallen into the indoor river checking out a male model dressed in traditional Indian clothing. She'd gawked at women in roman robes, children in colorful kimonos, men in Victorian suits – flamenco dresses, cowboy hats, showgirl outfits, war bonnets, kaftans – every single culture and era had passed through these halls.

That was before… Sakura closed her eyes. She forced herself not to think about. Seeing Naruto's excitement made her smile and remember a time she'd been happier, more naïve.

"Alright, it's time to go. We still need to get you into a suit."

"Yeah." Naruto breathed, distracted by a beautiful dark-skinned woman wearing a skimpy summer dress.

Sakura rolled her eyes, pulling him along. "Neji's office is high up."

"I really want to take some pictures of this place."

"Did you hear what I said?"

"Something about an office floor." He said, leering at a pretty Latina in a skin-tight latex bodysuit this time.

Sakura glowered at him. When would he learn? "Stop that. This is what got you into trouble in the first place."

"What?"

"Beautiful women."

"Can't help it. They're my greatest weakness."

"Can't wait to see how you'll handle Sasuke." Sakura mumbled, pulling Naruto into the elevator. She ignored the sting in her chest, but couldn't help but wonder. Did he not find her beautiful? Maybe it was because he didn't want to ruin their friendship or perhaps their friendship made him blind to her womanly wiles. Whatever. She shook her head. No time. She had to mentally prepare for the challenge that would be Hyuuga Neji.

000

Neji was a mean one. Tall and handsome with long dark hair and eyes like lavender moons, he looked like he should have been walking the runway instead of sitting behind a desk. A pretty boy and a snob who couldn't have made it more obvious he didn't care if he tried. The way he glared at them reminded Naruto of an Eurasian eagle-owl. He appeared to be highly territorial and the longer they stayed in his office, the more annoying and snappier he became. There was a moderately-sized balcony behind the desk which looked like it was frequently used and made Naruto think of a bird's nest despite being almost sterile. He could envision Neji stepping over the railing and soaring around the building, scaring off strangers with his crystal stare.

"I said no. Get out and take your pink panda with you."

Naruto paled. He forgot that he was still wearing the coat. His face heated up. He must look like an idiot, trying to stand protectively and manly next to Sakura while the pink puffy mink. He swallowed, trying to pretend that he hadn't even noticed and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Neji raised an eyebrow, looking mighty unimpressed.

"Please. It's really important. He needs a suit." Sakura pleaded for the seventh time before Naruto could ruin their chances by opening his mouth.

"Go buy one." Neji responded so fast, it was like he was expecting her to say that exactly then.

"We don't have time for that."

"And I don't have the time to deal with your incompetence. I'm busy."

"All I'm asking is if you'll lend us one of your spare suits. I can get it from your closet. You don't have to move a muscle."

"No."

"Neji-san. Please…"

Neji looked away from the computer screen on his clean desk. "Do I need to get a restraining order?"

"One small favor?" Sakura continued. She looked ready to go down on her knees.

Naruto had a hard time keeping quiet. He did not like the way the snob was talking to his friend. He did not like the sound of desperation in her face. He did not like remaining still and silent while Sakura made a fool of herself for him.

"No." Neji was not affected. The guy was carved from ice. Emotionless bastard. What he wouldn't give to send an uppercut to that smooth jawline.

"I won't leave." Sakura said, looking determined. "And neither is he. We're going to stay here and follow you around all day if you don't give us a damn suit."

Neji sighed, rubbing his temples. "One of these days I'm going to pluck each of your eyelashes with the sharpest tweezers I can find."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Sakura ran to the closet and pulled out an expensive-looking suit. "I'll give it back to you, I promise."

"Just get out." Neji snapped. He looked ready to bite Sakura in the leg for touching his things. Then he glared at Naruto. "And don't ever bring him in my office again. His mere presence is making my headache worse."

Naruto glared at him in return before he was pushed out of the office. "He's an asshole."

"He's not that bad once you get to know him. He just a little overworked and he doesn't like strangers." Sakura dragged him to the nearest restroom.

"No excuse." He muttered.

Sakura sighed tiredly before shoving the suit in his arms. "We have better things to worry about. Go change. Fast."

She didn't have to tell him twice. He was more than happy to get out of the damn coat. He paused at the doorway. "Uh, Sakura?"

"Now what?"

"What about my shoes?" Both them glanced down at his favorite sneakers. They were comfortable, but he doubted they would look appropriate under the fancy work clothes.

"Pray she doesn't notice."

Okay then. He got changed as fast as he could and managed to do his tie within the first try. He was feeling rather good about it until he was accosted by Sakura.

"Oh god. She's so going to notice. And the suit doesn't fit right. I knew I should've gone for the Burberry one." She looked frantic, pulling at his sleeves and straightening his lapels.

"It fits fine." He said, backing away. "Stop worrying. You're making me nervous."

"You should be nervous." She deadpanned.

Not what he wanted to hear. "Sure you're not overreacting?"

"Very sure."

Naruto flinched. "Congratulations, you've made me nervous. Why'd you have to make me nervous? I get nauseous when I'm nervous."

Sakura's brilliant green eyes widened in alarm. "Don't vomit."

"Not helping." Naruto moaned, clutching his abdomen. He gagged.

"Here, drink this." Sakura pulled a bottle of water out of her ridiculously large handbag. Naruto snatched it out of her hand and drank in large gulps. "Steady. Don't choke. Does it help?"

"Yeah, for about thirty minutes."

"Naruto, I love you. But if you puke on my boss I will personally kick you back to Holland. All the way back to your German roots."

"Technically, it's called the Netherlands. Holland is just a part of the country. And they don't speak German there. It's a common misconcep…tion." Naruto shrunk under her intense gaze. "Sorry. Did I mention I talk a lot when I'm nervous?"

"Just be professional, answer all of her questions and refer to her as Sasuke-san. Try not to stutter, be confident and all that. Those are all the tips I can give you for now."

Naruto allowed Sakura to drag him back to the elevator. As he tried to keep up with the girl's pace, which had increased tenfold, he caught a glimpse of long-legged blond in a shiny black dress applying lip-gloss in the ladies' restroom. He cringed when he saw how skinny she was. It was one of those things he didn't understand or like about the fashion world. It was robbing women of their beautiful curves, brainwashing them into thinking they were unattractive unless they were walking skeletons.

"Shit. We have to go back. Karin just texted me. Sasuke wants to interview you in the conference room." Sakura growled, looking panicked.

"Oh." He wasn't given the chance to say anything else before being dragged back towards the elevator. The rest of the way was a blur. He remembered a Chinese dragon being panted on a wall by two elderly men and a delivery boy with weird eyebrows, but that was it.

"Alright, we're here. Sit down. Get comfortable. She'll be here any second."

Naruto couldn't remember the last time he had fidgeted on a job interview. He was confident by nature and he firmly believed he had reasons to be. He was good at what he did. There was no reason to freak.

Unfortunately, Sakura did not share his thoughts.

"Oh god, your hair's a mess. And your nails look horrible. And did you even shave."

Naruto felt like the very meaning of confidence was fading from his world with every passing second. He looked at his nails, wondering what was wrong with them. His hair was always messy because every attempt to tame his blond mane ended up making it look worse. And women usually liked the five-o'clock-shadow look on his face.

"She's not really going to notice all these things is she?"

"She works at one of the largest fashion businesses in the world. What do you think?"

Naruto blanched. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

"Oh no, you're not. You are not running away now. Not now that my head is on the line too."

"I'm getting kinda scared here."

"You have reasons to be." Sakura said unhelpfully.

Naruto was about to retort when the doors slammed open making both Sakura and himself jump out of their seats.

"Sasuke! So glad you could make it. This is Uzumaki Naruto, the one I've been telling you about." Sakura said in one breath while he barely managed an audible 'hi'.

Naruto stood paralyzed as he studied the two women in front of him. One of them was the same blond girl he'd seen applying makeup in one of the rooms they'd passed. She had apparently also managed to do her hair and change outfits in the meantime. Her platinum blond hair was in a high ponytail and her icy-blue eyes were framed by impossible straight bangs. She had exchanged her party dress for a black-and-white one with a more professional look to it. She gave him a bored look.

"Sasuke-san will be arriving shortly." She droned. She left before he had time to decide which animal she reminded him of.

"Thanks Ino." Sakura breathed out, visibly more relaxed.

Naruto slumped back into his chair, trying to ignore his rapid heartbeats. He focused on the other girl still standing in the room. She was chewing gum loudly as if she was trying to annoy them on purpose. Her red hair looked freshly done, falling down in almost perfect curls. Her skimpy outfit seemed out of place in the sophisticated hallways. Pumps, thigh-high stockings, leather shorts and a purple cropped top left little to the imagination. Her glasses somehow added to the provocative outfit.

His guard went up when she stopped chewing and looked him over. He wasn't overly fond of redheads. They reminded him of his temperamental mother. Every time he saw one he'd feel the urge to comb his hair, clean his room and walk straight.

"This him?" She asked Sakura eventually, pointing at him like he was a wet dog dripping on her carpet.

"Yes." Sakura gave her a weak smile. "Could you give us some water?"

The girl just stared at her.

"Please, Karin."

"She's in a good mood today. You're lucky." Karin said as if she hadn't heard the question. She flipped her curls back and left, disappearing into the mob of people that suddenly flooded the hallway as if they were running for their lives.

"Shit, she's here!" Sakura almost dislocated his arm with the force she used to hoist him out of his chair. "Remember what I said. Just be calm and confident and- Sasuke-san! So nice of you to come. This is Uzumaki Naruto. The one I told you about yesterday. He's been very excited to meet you."

Sakura's anxiety was contagious. He couldn't even hear what she was ranting about anymore and had already forgotten her advice. What was it again? Calm and what? He swallowed thickly before turning to the doorway.

And suddenly he understood.

He had seen many beautiful women from all over the world. A pair of giggling Chinese twins who's youthful faces and hair ornaments made him think of two cute red pandas. A strong-willed Malian mother of three with long legs and sharp cheekbones reminding him of a graceful gazelle. A dancer from Trinidad and Tobago who's colorful dress and passionate moves resembled the mating dance of the Raggiana bird-of-paradise. But this was.. different.

There was an animal native in Central Asia. It's beauty had made it the victim of mankind who hunted it for its stunning pelt. Panthera Uncia was endangered species like many big cats. A solitary creature known for being secretive and shrouded in mysteries. Never had there ever been an animal that had struck him dumb with its sheer beauty until Naruto had trekked the Pamir Mountains writing a short-documentary about Marco Polo sheep and saw the breath-taking sight of a prowling snow leopard.

Uchiha Sasuke was a snow leopard.