Erase and Rewind part 2

It had eaten at him all of that night. All the way home he had thought about it. About what she'd said, the things he should have said if he hadn't bottled it. Liam's hand on the top of her back when they left, that bloke's greasy face sneering between them. The top of his chest stung and Finn slept fitfully, waking up on the hour every hour. Saturday came and went in a blur into Sunday morning and Finn ended up lying in a bit before he showed his face downstairs. He had barely touched the toast his dad made for him, excusing his dad's worry with a hangover excuse. He heard him mumbling along to the radio as he pottered about behind him with the dishes, wondering where the moody teenager had retreated to the point where he didn't even bother to give him a hard time for his rubbish taste in songs.

'You alright? You haven't touched anything.' He looked over at him, dried his hands and slung the dishtowel over his shoulder.

'I'm fine. You still want a hand with that stuff?' Finn gestured his head back to the living room to the crates of records his dad had taken out from the boot of his car last night.

'I can do it myself if there's somewhere you'd rather be. You haven't been right since.' He didn't finish but Finn knew what he was getting at.

'Sorry,' he got up from the table and cleared his plate away. Dropping the now soggy toast in the bin.

'No need.' His dad shut the fridge over, 'you could take the bin out and I'll get started on that lot.' He headed through towards the living room and Finn gave him a brisk nod with his jaw pulled the bin bag out and dumped it outside in the rubbish, his mind elsewhere.

They spent most of the Sunday afternoon organising the new sleeves crouched beside the record player and messing about with the order. First alphabetically, then by height, colour then genre which then turned into just an order or preference till neither of them could be bothered sorting through any of it again. The hours crept by with the pair of them putting records on and looking through the album art.

'Your Uncle Derek rang yesterday. Wondered when you were going to ring him back so I told him you'd give him a ring this week.'

'Yeah, sorry. I forgot.'

'He just wants to know if he needs to sort the spare room out or not,' his dad pretended to busy himself stacking the empty crates but Finn knew he didn't want him going to live down there in Leeds with him and Finn was having second thoughts of his own.

'I'll ring him.' His tone was apologetic and he seemed to accept the answer and joined his son on the couch.

The TV came on a while later but he lost interest to what was going on onscreen and he tuned himself out of it all.

'I'm gonna go out for a bit,' Finn got up and padded to find his shoes.

'Okay, take your keys' he called out from his seat. 'Got an early night, I need to be there for five in the morning.'

'Got them', they jangled in his hands as he shoved them into his pockets. 'When will you be back?'

'It's just overnight.'

'Right, see you on Tuesday then if I'm not back in time.'

'Look after yourself,' the look he gave Finn told him he probably wasn't just talking about heading out at night. He collected his jacket off the hook by the door and stepped out. Autumn was creeping towards winter and the air was sharp as he breathed in and he could've done with a scarf or something warmer to wear. He hunched over slightly to stave off the chill and quickened his pace. He didn't think about where he was going, almost walking from memory.

The street loomed into view and he rounded the corner down towards where the silver car was parked in the drive. Finn moved past it and rang the bell, impatiently waiting outside her door. A blurred figure made its way through the opaque glass and the door opened out to Rae peering out at him in surprise, 'Finn.'

'Can I come in?' Rae looked out at him, her fingers round the side of the door. She hovered behind the door and then stepped out, her expression uneasy under a small smile.

'Are we living in a barn?' He heard Mrs. Bouchtat yell from the kitchen. 'You're in or you're out Rae.'

Rae opened the door out and he was through the door and upstairs before she could register that he'd walked past her and stood just outside her door till she moved past him and let him into her room properly. He nearly tripped over a stack of cardboard boxes and he looked at his surroundings properly. Taking in the way everything was packed away. Most of the things in here room were boxed up apart from her bed and a few things on her desk. The rest was taken up by tins of paint and trays.

'Do you want a brew?' Rae offered where she hovered towards her door.

'Thanks,'

She left him in her room and it got quiet enough for him to register there was music playing low on her hi fi across from the bed. None of her CDs were out. Just the one cardboard box was open with some of the things that lined her windowsill poking out from the top. That and a single tape case laying open with her writing and drawings covering the front and sides. He looked round at the bare walls. It felt weird, like the personality of the room had gone, like she was gone. He tuned into the track playing and recognised what it was towards the end of the song as it faded out.

A few minutes later he heard her make her way back upstairs and moved to the door to help her, taking a mug in his hands with a quiet thanks. He was glad of the ceramic between his fingers because he didn't know what to do with his hands.

'What are all the boxes about?'

'She's shipping me off to my dad's.' His look of panic made her face soften and she shook it off, reassuring him she was joking. 'Don't know, she's a weirdo, runs in the family.' She watched as he shifted around, not sure where to sit or stand and paced across from her at the desk. He bit on the side of his thumb and struggled with something. 'What's up?'

'Did you get him alright on Friday?' The question was redundant. She was standing there talking to him. Of course she'd got home alright.

'Yeah, fine. Did everybody else enjoy the rest of the night?'

'Don't know. I left after you did.' He drummed his fingers on the side of his mug. 'Thought you'd be round Liam's or something,' he fished for information, but he wasn't going to get it.

She took a sip of her tea and then put it on the floor to the side of her feet against the bottom of the bed. 'Didn't feel like it.' She took a breath, 'after the other night,' she looked uncertain and she started again. 'Supposed to be keeping it casual,' she dragged her hands over her leggings.'…it didn't make me feel that good', He looked at her as what she said registered across his features.

'Right,' he swallowed, not knowing what to say.

Rae pulled at an invisible thread on her sleeve to avoid him. 'So I'm not-plus he slagged off Bowie, and that's not 'appening.' She tried to make a joke, wanting to avoid the whole topic.

'So you're not, you an' him?' He wasn't sure what he was asking, they seemed to dance around it.

'Not really.'

'Okay,' was all he could manage. There was a cold silence between them for what felt like hours, but was probably about five. He drank the rest of his tea down in one and put the mug down on the desk behind him, 'I wanted to ask you something about the other night.'

'It's alright. It's fine,' she straightened herself on the bed like she was bracing herself. 'I talked a lot of bollocks, we can just forget about it. It's fine,' she tried to reassure him but it fooled no one.

'No, I meant-I meant what happened. Before you left.' It ate at him, it itched in the back of his throat threatening to burst out in a jumbled mess. He could feel the chipped wood under his hands as he gripped the desk. Rae waited for him to answer and pulled her legs up and underneath her and picked at the threads of her quilt.

'Is that what it's like for you?' He surprised her with his voice and he looked at her where she sat on the bed, hands folded under her now. 'All the time?'

'Not always', she answered. 'Mostly it's behind my back or when people think I'm not looking now apart from Simmy and Macca, but yeah.'

He chewed on the inside of his cheek. He'd realised as much last night, but hearing it from her made it that much worse. 'Those Greenland Gang Twats, was that not a one-off?' It wasn't a question. It was a statement of fact. His hands gripped for something solid and found the back of her chair.

She shook her head and attempted to be casual about it. Rolling her eyes like it didn't bother her. 'They're painfully unfunny, Jabba's not even clever.' He gave her a pained look, jaw flinching and eyes widening, taking it all in.

'Was I like that, before? Was I like that with you?' His mind was reeling thinking back to that first few weeks. When he'd been a colossal prat to her mouthy comebacks. He felt sick.

It dawned on her then what he was thinking, what he was asking. 'No,' she shook her head, voice quiet. 'No, you were just annoying. An' I'm used to it.' That last part just made him worse and he was back to pacing again.

'I hate it.' She watched him as he let out a breath and leaned against the desk and ran a hand through his fringe. 'I really hate it Rae. It's bullshit.' He looked at her with a pained look and dropped his hand to his side with the thud. 'They don't even know you.' He looked to her like she had all the answers, but he came back empty. 'I don't get it. I don't-I don't understand.'

'It's just how it is.' She spoke before he could say another word, shrugging matter-of-factly. Finn stayed where he stood, not knowing what to say to any of that. That was the reality of it, He could see Rae thinking; giving him the get out clause, that at least now he knew so he could get shot of her properly before she dragged him with her.

'They don't know you, Rae.' They didn't deserve to.

'I'm loud,' she offered. 'I swear. I drink pints. I tell jokes for fucks sake.' She huffed in a ragged breath and he raised his eyebrows at her like she was stating the bleeding obvious. She shifted on the bed and made an exasperated noise and slumped back onto the covers. 'Girl's aren't supposed to tell jokes, you don't like it. We're supposed to just sit there and laugh at your crap jokes and drink diet coke and be a chuffing size eight.' Finn was looking at her like a second arse had grown out on the top of her head and she knew he wasn't going to get it.

'And I'm fat, and I'm mad and you an' me' she pointed between them and dropped her hand onto her lap, 'we don't make sense outside this,' she gestured around them and shrugged pulling in her bottom lip and giving him a look like what did he expect? 'I don't get why you like me, nobody else does either.'

He scrunched his face in disgust. 'Bollocks,' he mouthed. 'You can't tell someone who they're allowed and not allowed to fancy.' He couldn't comprehend how she could say any of it; that that was what she actually thought. He was stumped for words. All he could do was look at her feeling hapless.

He saw how she was ready to just accept what anybody else though. She kept her head down like that made it alright. She just accepted it as fact and it was maddening.

'I don't get how you just deal with it.'

'I don't. I haven't been, that's the problem.'

He couldn't ask her what he wanted to ask. The question hung in the air, threatening to suffocate him. A look passes between them and she understands what he's asking, she tugged at the hem of her jumper.

'That's how it is, how it's always going to be,' she repeated, pulling the conversation back from where it was going. 'An' if you can't handle it then,' she searched for the words without looking at him, 'maybe we should just leave it. Not even be mates.' Finn's faced fell, his hands dropping down his sides.

'Is that what you want to do?' His stomach lurched and his breath caught for a bit then she shook her head from under the curtain of her hair and he let go to breathe again. He moved from the desk and sat beside her on the bed. A Care Bear face looked up at him from the sheets. A sugary smile plastered on its blue fuzzy face where he sat like it was mocking him. Rae picked at the bobbles on the quilt. It made it a bit easier to say some of it.

'I can't tell you why I like you,' he raised his shoulders and dropped them again, feeling lost. 'I just do. It's not just one thing,' she looked doubtful under the cover of her hair hiding her features from him. 'It isn't. It's all of it. All of you,' Finn shrugged, not knowing how to say it. 'You drive me mental when you won't admit I'm right. Everything's either brilliant or crap with the things we like and you're one of two people I want to talk to. When I've got stuff going on you're always the first person I want to speak to and I don't want to speak to anybody most of the time.'

'It hasn't been like that with anybody else. If I don't fit with you then I'm obviously not right for anybody because I don't think I could feel like that with anybody else an' if you do then I can't argue with you because,' he was struggling for what to say and just dropped it.

'I don't think that', she murmured down at the floor. He didn't look at her so raised her voice. 'I don't.'

'Then who gives a toss about any of that other bollocks?' She didn't have an answer for him.

'I know you've got stuff, I know,' he said with his face still close to hers. 'We've all got stuff going on. I don't understand some of it, but at least I'd have tried, tried to tell you that at the pub.' He felt desperate, that whatever he said wouldn't work. 'Let me try, Rae.'

'Finn.'

'An' about all that other stuff,' he rubbed at the side of his ear. 'I'm crap at this,' he searched for the words, 'I like it.' His eyes slowly travelled upwards from her knees to her chest where they lingered long enough for him to get caught staring. He gave her a warm smile, looking slightly abashed. 'I like you.' Rae's eyes darted down and she supressed a smile and looked up to shoot him a look as if to say well, obviously.

There was no room for embarrassment now. It was all laid bare, nowhere to hide. That was the hard part.

He saw her waiver and reached out to brush her hair behind her ear. His fingers brushed against the side of her face and he felt her lean into him. Her hand reached over to grip his tentatively till he wrapped it around hers. Rae looks at him uncertainly and he locks eyes, moving his face closer and paused, making sure she wanted him to. He could feel his pulse speed against his chest in a mixture of excitement and relief as she moved closer and closed the space. His lips found hers with ease and he guided her down towards the pillowcases and she gripped at his shirt tighter and their foreheads pressed close and he could see her eyes close over, her eyelashes resting against her skin.

'Alright?' He searched her face and felt her breathing slow and she nodded without opening her eyes. She looked up at him eventually, meeting his gaze and nodded at him properly.

'Yeah.'

Neither of them said anything. They just stayed where they were together with her face close to his and his arm tangled under her. The quiet didn't weigh him down anymore, it felt peaceful. Away from all the things going on, from everything else outside the poster-less four walls. Away from college and Leeds and running away from feeling miserable. Everything still felt up in the air, but if they had this, this one thing they'd be alright.

'What are you going to do about Liam an' Amy?' The question is out of his mouth without time to think about it.

She groaned and put her hands over her face. 'Oh shit.' He pulled her hand away and put it back down beside his.

'Don't think about it just now. It was a stupid question. Don't think about it, sorry'. He made sure she was listening; that she was looking at him, pulling the pillow down to see her face. Finn weaved his fingers between hers absently, reassured with the contact.

'I meant what I said, Rae. About not caring. I just care about what my mates think. What you think.'

Linda must have been suspicious of the quiet because they heard her making a lot of racket downstairs as if in warning and the floorboard creaked downstairs as she moved to the living room and the stairs.

'Rae,' she yelled up from the bottom of the stairs. 'That's the back of ten now, you've got college in the morning.' Rae huffed and shot a glare outside the door.

'I should head back,' he said but neither of them made any intention of moving. One hand was curling the ends of her hair round his fingers, the other stroking his thumb over the side of the hand closest to him. She looked up at him wordlessly and craned her neck over towards his spot on the pillows.

'Fuckin' hate college,' Rae muttered into his shoulder. He moved the pillow away from her face and moved himself closer nodding into the top of her hair in silent agreement.