Disclaimer: I do not own any of the films in the MCU, nor do I own any of the comics. This is simply a work of fiction and is not meant for any monetary gain or to infringe on any copyright laws
Rating: T for violence and minor language
Author's Note: So this chapter ended up being a lot longer than I meant, but oh well. I think you'll enjoy it :) We have Natasha's POV, Sam's POV, and Steve's POV in this chapter, some past Steggy, a few hints of Romanogers, some past Clintasha and Brutasha, and some Steve and Sam bromance. We can also find some hints at CA: Civil War if you look close enough. There's a lot of hints at characterization, so I hope you catch those.
Basically this is a loaded chapter, and I hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 2
The night air is cool on the roof of the SHIELD base, and the stars are far enough away from the city to be seen. If she squints closely enough she can even see some of the closer planets.
A nice breeze cuts through the warm summer air, blowing her shoulder-length hair around. The loose strands tickle her bare skin on her neck softly, and she wonders to herself why she doesn't come out more often. It's silent besides the distant sound of recruits running drills far below, and she can clearly hear the quiet footsteps that patter along, drawing near her.
"Didn't know you were the scenery type," Steve says as he settles down next to her. Although she's crouched on her feet he simply makes himself comfortable as if he's ready to stay for a while. A bold move, especially since neither of them know where their relationship stands right now. Friends? Co-workers? Colleagues? A lot has happened lately.
"Didn't know I was either," Natasha replies. She decides a talk can't be too bad, and she finally settles down, too. To be honest, with her type of lifestyle she hasn't had the time to explore her own interests and hobbies. Her whole life has been one of killing and manipulating, a dark life that wears on one after as many years as she's been in the business.
Most of her past nights have been spent either on a mission or in bed with someone, usually a target at that. She's never had the luxury of defining herself, especially when she trained to obey all orders from her bosses. Whoever hires her, and whoever pays her. She does their bidding as quickly and efficiently as possible. And after living in the dark for so long and seeing—being—the worst of humanity, beauty seems like something beyond her reach. It seems superficial, only on the surface, something she can use to manipulate men.
After Clint saves her and helps put her on the path to redemption she pulls herself out of a bottomless pit, though with the missions SHIELD sends her on she still resides in a pit. It has only been after meeting Steve and Bruce that her life seems to improve, that she manages to get hold of a ladder and start to climb up.
Steve is her best friend, or as close to a friend as she can have in this business. They're partners, too—after the Battle of New York Clint left SHIELD, and Fury partners Steve and Natasha together. At first things had been shaky, but eventually they fall into a rhythm and began to work tangently, starting with little missions before slowly building up to world security matters. During the SHIELD fallout Steve and Natasha had worked together, and Sam with them, and their friendship finally defined itself, though between being together a lot and flirting the line has blurred quite drastically.
So even though Steve is her closest friend, she doesn't always feel completely comfortable with him. When the Avengers start assembling to take down HYDRA bases, a protocol Natasha finds out is called "theta protocol"—yes, she may have spied on Maria Hill a little—she grows closer to Bruce Banner. He's a nice guy, and she does genuinely think something good can come out of their relationship. Natasha had worried about Steve; Peggy had been progressively getting worse, and Shannon moved out to work for the CIA, so Steve had been alone. He'd been tracking down leads on the Winter Soldier with Sam, and frankly Natasha had become jealous.
The Black Widow jealous. Who would have thought? But those times she's flirted with him—they weren't just all a game. Steve is attractive, especially to her, and she hoped he could prioritize her a little more. Maybe that's why she pushes towards someone. Although at the time she tells herself it's because she genuinely likes Banner, maybe the truth deep down is that she really likes Steve and has grown jealous. Or maybe she just wants to be closer friends with him, but he's too busy finding Bucky.
Then her subconscious plan backfires. She actually starts to have feelings for Banner, and her life grows way complicated. She begins to trust him, and he her, and she flirts with him. Made him feel like he's special. In return, he does the same—and he actually means it. Maybe that's why she falls for him; he doesn't care about her past, he doesn't care that she can never have a family, he doesn't care that she'll always be a killer. He liked her, and she made the mistake of allowing herself to return the feelings.
Then he leaves her. She begs him to stay, and he leaves.
"Are you mad at him for leaving?" Steve asks softly, echoing her thoughts. Natasha sighs, pulling herself back into the present. Dwelling in the past for too long has never helped her any.
"I don't know," she answers honestly. "I don't know how I feel. I don't even know who I am."
She looks away, not being able to bear looking at him. Anger wells in her, but it's not against Banner. It's against Steve. Life has always been easy for him. Sure, standing up to bullies as a sickly child isn't easy, but it is a whole lot easier than not knowing who you stand against or what you stand for. Her life has just been one of obedience. She never has had the option of choosing and believing, at least not until she converted to SHIELD. Even then, though, she followed Fury and Clint around like a lost puppy, following their every command.
Then Steve shows up, him and his Captain America-ness, America's Golden Boy, and he stands upon a firm rock, knowing exactly what he tolerates as right and wrong. In his mind there are no grey areas, while in her mind everything is grey. Things are simple to him, not like they are to her. Like their relationship, for instance; they used to be best friends, confidants, but now they're awkward around each other, keeping things secret and bottled up. And it's not because of their pasts; it's because they drifted away from each other and can't seem to find their way back.
He surprises her with his answer, though. "I don't either, anymore." She turns to look at him, and she sees in his blue eyes a sort of childlike openness. He's telling the truth, just like he always does. Maybe he does see grey areas now. Maybe he can't see exactly where their relationship is, either, and is trying to figure it out. Maybe he's just as lost as she is. For some reason that thought makes her feel better, though she knows it shouldn't.
"When we were fighting Ultron…when we were trying to get his body in the cradle, and you were getting it to the Avengers, and you fell…I left you." Steve shakes his head. "They all questioned me, whether it came out verbally or in the way they looked at me. I knew it had been a wrong choice to leave you, but I made a different call."
"It was the right call, though. I would have made it a million times." Natasha is stunned by the regret in his voice. It is as if he's reliving awful memories. She always thinks he's an optimist, but maybe it's all an act. She knows he has weaknesses, vulnerabilities, but maybe there's tons of sorrow and grief hidden under his rock-hard stance. Maybe he's not as over Peggy as she had thought. Perhaps he's still regretting not being able to reach Bucky.
This time it is Steve who looks away. "I've changed a lot, Romanoff. Years ago I would have never made that call. Once the body had been secured I should have gone looking for you. I never used to leave a soldier behind, and the one time I did…" He shakes his head as if trying to clear it out. She instantly knows what he's referring to-Barnes himself. He'd fallen off the train and Steve had left him, thinking he had died. He hadn't, though, and is now running around having an existential crisis between good, caring Bucky and strong, heartless Winter Soldier.
Still, she wants to retaliate, to say, "Well years ago for you was when my grandparents were young" or "Today is way different than a few years ago", but she knows they aren't true for him. His attitude, his beliefs aren't so easily swayed, and yet here he is, admitting his faults. Regretting.
Natasha herself has never had to deal with the guilt of leaving someone behind. The only person she has ever risked a mission for is Clint, and that's because she owed him a debt. Now she's repaid that debt, but she will still go back for him in a heartbeat. Still, other than that, she has no relation to what he's saying. In the falling scenarios, she's always Bucky. She's always the one who falls, and who doesn't always know whether she's good and caring or strong and heartless. In her life as a spy, she's been both.
Instead she goes for another point. "Since when did you start calling me Romanoff?" she asks. It seems like only a little thing, and maybe no one other than her would have noticed, but to her it is a big deal.
Steve looks up in surprise, as if he thinks she already knows the answer. "What else am I supposed to call you?" he questions back. It sounds casual enough, but she senses something deep down, as if he is denying something to himself or keeping something locked away deep down.
"You used to call me 'Natasha'. Sometimes 'Nat.'" She stands, catching a cool breeze. The conversation has turned directions she doesn't want to explore, so she does what she always does: she leaves. Walks away. Call it cowardly, but the only way to move on it to keep going forward and to not look back. Perhaps this is why she and Banner hit it off; they both run from their problems. Before the battle Banner had wanted to leave, and after he had left, not wanting to face the world after the incident in Africa. She had told him that he's different because he doesn't fight. She had been right; he just runs from his problems, and so does she.
She feels his eyes on her back as she leaves, but he says nothing. That's just as well with her; she doesn't have any other comments either.
Everyone in the team is awake and moving before dawn's rays touches the ground. For Sam, Steve, and Rhodey it's a natural, habitual thing; for years they served in the military, conditioned to rise early. For Natasha it's a defensive thing; sleeping while others around her are awake give them the advantage, and though she trusts them all she can't help but submit to too many years she's lived in a defensive, constantly alert mode. For Vision it's normal: he doesn't need as much sleep as the others do. And for Wanda, it's something she does to ward away the awful nightmares and memories.
Even so, Sam is the one who wakes up last on this Sunday morning. Sundays are their day off, though none of them have much to do or anywhere to go, so they all just hang around.
He finds Natasha in the training room, teaching Rhodey some of her martial arts moves. They nod as he walks past, then return to their dangerous dance. Wanda is sitting at a table in the mess hall alone, staring off into space while telekinetically swirling the milk in her glass with her finger absently. She doesn't even notice him walking by. Vision is outside, talking with a group of agents also on their day off. He tends to be a crowd-favourite, and he waves as Sam continues on.
Steve, who he has been looking for, is sitting on the roof, sketching idly in his notebook. His art is something everyone often forgets, though Sam knows it means a lot to the soldier. Art is one thing Steve has always been talented with, and he brings pieces of his past into the present with his work.
But that doesn't mean he likes to share. Steve closes his notebook as Sam appears, setting it off to the side as he greets him. "Have a nice sleep in?"
"Yeah," Sam replies, taking a seat next to the captain. Even though he's been looking for the man, he's still silent, trying to internally decide if he should bring the issue up now.
"You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to," Steve says. He has always been a much better reader than people give him credit for, especially with those close to him, so Sam isn't surprised. He knows Steve is intelligent, great at observing and analyzing. He's rarely ever caught off guard.
"It's just…It's about Barnes." Sam gives Steve a moment to think, a moment to process. He knows how close Steve and Bucky were, at least until the fall. Then Barnes had returned, and he hadn't come for peace. He'd come with an assignment: stop Captain America.
"What about him?" Steve asks, and though his tone sounds casual Sam can hear an undertone to it.
"We did never find him," Sam reminds the soldier. "I know he left with his own mind, but what if HYDRA finds him again? They can erase everything we worked for."
Steve sighs, as if he has already thought this through. He probably has. "He's the Winter Soldier. If he doesn't want to be found then we, nor any other corporation, will be able to find him. He'll come to us when he's ready."
Sam nods, though he suspected Steve would say that. He then turns the conversation over. "What are we really doing here?" Sam is talking about the new Avengers. They've been living in this SHIELD facility for a few months now, and barely any assignments have been given. They've just been training and training, seemingly aimlessly. So what are they really doing here?
Steve looks away, defeat showing on his face. This is one of the times he's not been able to read something correctly, one of the rare times he's been caught off guard. "Natasha and I did this to help save people, to protect the world from what they can't protect themselves from. Now? Now it seems we're being sharpened into a weapon. The weapon." The weapon for what, though? That's the real, silent question that neither of them have an answer for.
"You don't trust Fury or the Director," Sam realised. It shouldn't be a surprise, not since Steve is all about doing what is right, not what gets the job done, and he's clashed with SHIELD before. (Cue the whole sequence of events from the SHIELD/HYDRA fallout that forced Sam to get into all of this in the first place). No, Steve isn't just disagreeing with SHIELD, he's thinking about going against the corporation. He doesn't want a repeat of the whole helicarrier and targeting algorithm thing, it seems, especially if this time he's the helicarrier. And if he's manipulated into doing something other than helping people and stopping the bad guys...
SHIELD really has changed from what Peggy Carter started seventy years ago.
"What do the others think?" Sam questions. Rogers just shakes his head. "I haven't mentioned anything to them. Natasha knows the ins and outs, but the others haven't seen yet."
"When are you going to tell them?" It isn't a simple matter of having a press conference and rebelling. This is a big deal. Should the Avengers go out on their own and protect the world as they see fit or should they stay in SHIELD and let tensions run high until everything explodes? Neither are great options, especially since SHIELD provides protection for them. If they go out on their own then all the governments of the world can rant and rage against them, maybe even forcing them to either stop or cooperate. What if they even have to register their powers/enhancements and weaknessess so they can be shut down and taken out if necessary? This could blow up into something huge, something bigger than just them, especially if they split and disagree within the Avengers.
"When it matters," Steve answers. "At this point, none of them really care. You've been on a team with them. You've seen them. Can you look me in the eye and honestly say they care about SHIELD or what SHIELD is doing? All they care about is saving lives, and at this point that is all that matters. I'm glad you're observant, and when the time comes you'll be invaluable. For now, though, we just don't mention it."
Sam agrees. The others—they aren't really all in it like he and Steve and Natasha. Without her brother Wanda is lost, only caring about saving the world. Rhodey, too, just wants to save lives, and Vision's whole purpose in life is to protect humanity. They don't care that they're a weapon as long as they're doing what is right. And for now, that is what the team is doing.
Steve stands, slapping Sam on the back in a friendly manner. "But if a weapon is what SHIELD wants, let's give them a weapon to be afraid of."
"Are you challenging me to a few rounds?" Sam teasingly asks. "Because you should know you're going down."
The two trade smiles and head towards the training room to work out, leaving all traces of the conversation to the wind.
"You boys are pathetic," Natasha taunts, stepping up to the ring and leaning on the ropes, observing them. "Wow, Steve, you're starting to look your age. Maybe we should go to the smithsonian and find your friend's fossils. I'm guessing the Jurassic era, what do you think?"
"Very funny," he replies between his clenched teeth as he ducks from under Sam. The Falcon isn't a hard opponent, but his fighting style is a unique one. It's a mix of what Natasha has taught him and what the Air Force has taught him, and until Steve learns it he'll have to be on the defensive, not the offensive.
Steve catches Sam's punch and pins his arm down, using his leg to sweep Sam's out from under him and finally pinning his whole body down. He holds him for a few seconds before jumping up, and Sam hops out of the ring, wiping away the sweat from his skin.
"Now that's a fight I want to see," Sam says.
"Who?"
"You and Natasha." Natasha smiles slyly, raising her eyebrow in that quirky way she does.
"Okay. Challenge accepted." She carefully ducks under the top rope and steps over the bottom rope, moving her body gracefully and seductively, attracting the attention of everyone in the room.
All the agents start gathering around the ring, eager to watch the two senior Avengers face off. Steve has his super soldier serum and quick reflexes to his advantage, and Natasha has her speed, knowledge of dozens of fighting styles, and years of practicing to her advantage.
All in all, a fight of the world's most famous soldier against the world's most famous spy.
Natasha doesn't even bother to put her hair up as she casually lingers in one corner. Steve shakes his arms out a little and copies her stance. The two trade glances for a few tense seconds, both waiting for the other to make the first move.
"Ladies first," Steve teases, and Natasha raises up a smirk.
"Okay, but don't tell me you didn't know what you were getting into." She runs forward and Steve opens his stance to deflect her, but she slides to the side and wraps a leg around his, trying to trip him. His balance is impeccable, though, and he puts his weight on his other leg, stepping aside and facing her again.
Natasha grins in amusement. "Playing hard to get, are you?" She flips forward, getting in a position to get his head between her thighs and tries to flip him by using his own weight against him. His reflexes kick in, and midair when she releases her grip he continues the flip, landing in a crouch on the opposite side of the ring.
"That's your signature move. You're going to have to try harder to trick me," he returns. She smiles a small smile and this time lets him attack first. He tries to grab her arm and she deflects, flipping backwards and kicking a leg out to sweep his knees. He jumps straight up, avoiding tripping, and grabs her wrist, twisting her arm behind her back and against him. She uses his hold to her advantage, twisting his arm back behind his back. He strikes out with his free hand and she retreats before running forward. He holds out his arms in front of him defensively. She moves to his six o'clock and jumps on his back, pulling sideways to try and throw him off balance. He pulls her off and throws her forward, and she lands on all fours like a cat.
The two continue trading blows and fighting, him holding back his strength so as not to hurt her. She is as ruthless as ever, though she lets him get away sometimes. Part of her doesn't want the fight to end. She likes being in an environment where they can tease each other and be close without being awkward or broaching dangerous subjects. This is what she misses from their missions that they used to go on for SHIELD, just the two of them.
Finally Steve manages to get her down on the ground, and he pins her wrists down with his hands and uses one leg to hold down her legs from kicking up.
If this had been a real fight Natasha would thrust her head forward, hitting his forehead hard and hopefully startling him, but this is only practice so she lays her head back, smiling up at him coyly. His face is close to hers, closer than it's been in months, and she wishes he could just stay there forever. She takes the time to examine his eyes, his clear, open, blue eyes. They're timeless, and hold oceans of sadness deep down.
The moment lingers for a few seconds longer than necessary before Steve lets her go and stands up, offering his hand. She takes it, making sure to not miss the warmth of his hand or the calluses that decorate it.
"Maybe next time," he jokes lightly. Natasha rolls her eyes and gives him a look so that he clearly knows she let him win.
"Next time I won't go easy on you," she replies. The agents around the ring break off, trading money and chatting excitedly.
"Man, you are so screwed," Sam tells Steve. Steve gives him a seriously? look and Natasha and Sam fist bump.
"I had him wrapped around my finger the entire time," Natasha claims, shooting Steve a look that dares him to argue. He just smiles, humouring her, and the trio heads down to the mess hall to get lunch.
In the mess hall the team sits together, a habit they had fallen into in the early days. Vision pokes the food suspiciously, and the others try to convince him the greasy slop on his plate is pizza and yes, it's edible, and yes, it's good.
Wanda keeps giving Steve odd glances, and he decides to talk to her later. She obviously has something on her mind, and frankly her looks are unsettling. She may be a quiet one, but her eyes are piercing, as if they're reading straight into your soul (or into your mind).
Sam is picking at his food thoughtfully, though he is barely putting any of it into his mouth. Steve knows he's dwelling on their past conversation.
Rhodey eats his portion quickly, a habit left over from his time serving in the military. He's quiet, though he adds to the conversation at times.
Natasha is smiling, flirting, and joking, though Steve knows it's not all authentic. He knows she's still upset over Banner ditching her, and she's also worried because once again Fury is keeping secrets.
Steve himself eats a mountain. Not out of gluttony—definitely not, he had been raised by a poor immigrant woman who hardly had enough money for one meal a day—but out of necessity. The serum has drastically changed his body in many good ways, but one downside is that he needs lots of food to keep his metabolism running well.
"Once Steve is done devouring all of China I think we should get out," Natasha suggests.
"Get out?" Sam asks, looking up. That's not something they've ever done before.
"Yeah," she says. "We have a few hours of free time, and I think we all need a change of scenery."
Steve knows she's getting at something else, though he can't quite tell what it is. The others don't notice, but that's because they haven't worked with her as long as he has.
Whatever it is it must be important, so Steve supports her proposition. "Sure. Sounds like a good idea. I'm game."
The others finally agree, Wanda simply nodding her head once. She's tough, and the strongest one on the whole team, but Steve doesn't know why she committed to being on it. She lost everything, and she seems to not particularly care about anything. He'll have to ask her about that later, too.
Natasha sneaks them off the base (well, not really sneak, but they didn't exactly mention where they were going or that they were going anywhere at all, but who's going to stop them?) and she drives them around in a bright yellow sports car, cramming Vision, Wanda, Sam, and Rhodey in the back while she drives and Steve gets front seat privileges.
She drives twenty minutes into downtown New York, windows down and rock music blasting. Steve glances in the mirror and sees Vision staring in wonder at all the people around in the city. He had been created to protect humanity, he'd decided that the moment he'd seen the city lights, but Steve knows that every time he sees more people he's once again amazed by them.
Natasha drives to a popular bar, parking in the handicapped spot. When Steve protests she turns to him and says with a smirk, "You are in your nineties, after all. What if you fall and break something? I still think you need life alert."
Steve rolls his eyes. She'll never stop being amused by jokes about his age, and he knows it. In the back Sam trades a smile with her.
"Come on, man. Stop encouraging her," Steve says to the man.
"This is just payback for all those 'on your lefts'," Sam retorts. "Don't blame me. You put this on yourself."
The others pile out the back. The bouncer at the front takes in the group, only raising his eyebrow at Vision. The good thing about New York is that everyone is crazy, and if you look weird no one thinks twice.
The man did, however, try and stop Wanda. She does look quite young, but Natasha sidles up to the man and whispers something in his ear seductively, and he lets them in, his face extremely pale. Natasha simply smiles sweetly, and Steve is glad he's on her good side.
Inside the bar colorful strobe lights blink on dancers all around. Steve and Rhodey head straight for the bar while Natasha leads Wanda somewhere else. Vision just stands in the middle of it, soaking everything up. Sam instantly tries to get a dance partner and minutes later he's on the dance floor, a beautiful woman with him.
There's a flurry of old veterans and even younger ones at the bar, and Steve and Rhodey trade war stories with them, Steve careful to make sure he didn't mention which war he had served in. Rhodey uses his regular story that everyone seems to find hilarious, and Steve smiles for his benefit, though he's heard it hundreds of times.
For the most part, though, Steve sits on a stool near the wall at the bar, sipping from his drink and watching the people. Times have changed, and he's been through so much, but all he can think of is Peggy and how he owed her a dance. How he'd just left her.
"Peggy."
"I'm here," she said quietly, her voice composed despite the sadness in it.
"I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance." His eyes stung as he said the words.
"Alright. A week next Saturday at the Stork Club."
"You got it," Steve replied.
"Eight o'clock on the dot. Don't you dare be late. Understood?" Peggy ordered.
"You know, I still don't know how to dance."
"I'll show you how. Just be there."
"We'll have the band play something slow. I'd hate to step on your—"
"I can take you back," a heavily-accented voice says next to him. Steve looks over to see Wanda standing to his right. She has a sympathetic look on her face, like one that knows loss. "I can show you what it would have been like if you had made it."
Steve hesitates. He's been trying to let Peggy go, but what's the danger of visiting one memory? What's the risk of dreaming things had been different. He'd already seen one vision of Peggy, though, and that hadn't made things better. But he feels like he needs to find closure at the same time.
"If it isn't a problem," he replies. Wanda responds by putting her hand near his temple and sending her red wisps of power towards him. Suddenly he's transported to the past.
He's still sitting at a bar, though now he's dressed in full uniform, decorations covering his chest. Other soldiers and their girls surround him, but he's not looking for them. He's waiting for someone special to walk through the door.
And here she comes, more beautiful than ever. Her red dress matched the color of her lipstick and reach down just below the knee, her sleeves barely long enough to cover her shoulders. She walks in confidently, her heels clicking against the floor, and all eyes glance her way and stare. She's not purposefully trying to get their attention, but she's so beautiful, so powerful that she just does.
Steve stands and takes one of her hands in his, staring straight into her dark eyes. She smiles a small smile, though her eyes say it all: she's more than glad he's here.
"Shall we dance?" he proposes.
"I don't know," she replies. "Are you my right partner?"
He hears the teasing in her tone, and he smiles in response. "If I'm not I can't imagine who would be. And you did promise to teach me."
"I suppose I did," she says, and leads him out to the dance floor. She gently adjusts his hands and feet, starting him off on the right foot (both literally and metaphorically). He learns how to dance quickly, and soon they're twirling as if they've both been dancing for their whole lives.
The band plays a slow song, and Peggy lays her head against his chest as she moves right up next to him and they turn in slow circles.
"I didn't think you were going to make it," she whispers.
"How could I not? I owed you a date," he lightly replies, trying to tone down the seriousness.
"Well, I'm glad you're here." She pulls a little away and looks up at him. "Remember when I used to have to look down to you?"
He smiles. "It would have been easier to do this," he says, and leans down to kiss her. She wraps her arms around his neck, and he moves his arms to encompass her back. Everything is perfect, just it should be.
When they pull away her chocolate eyes are bright. "It was worth the wait," she tells him. "All of this—" she motions around them "—it was all worth waiting for."
"And you were worth surviving for," Steve replies, pulling her close again. Nothing could go wrong, not in her care, not when his arms are wrapped around her, holding her close so she can't ever get away from him.
